Body Image

Hello people! Hopefully by now you've all finished your finals and are happily relaxing and taking in the season's candies. Oh? What's that? No candy canes? Here, have some of mine. I always keep a stash around in December. And then buy a few boxes after when they're 50% off. But that's kind of what I wanted to talk about.

So you went home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago and ate a ton. Then you came back to school and had all these last minute tests and projects and then you had finals and now you're home and everyone has been feeding you and your eating schedule got all sorts of messed up and you were eating fast food every night for dinner, if at all...yeah, I get it. I've been there. Now you're 5 pounds heavier than you were before break and you're looking at all the events planned - family stuff, dinners out with friends, a few parties here and there and, damn it, those candy canes are still calling your name. And you just know 5 more pounds are lurking around the next corner.

One of my good friends was talking about how she hit the gym this morning, even though they're getting 6 inches of snow at her house today. And that's totally awesome! Good for her! But me? Yeah...I'll pass on that. For those of us who don't exactly exercise and rely mostly on eating halfway decently to stay reasonably fit, this is the bad season for our body image. It's not just women; my brother flips out around this time too. After Thanksgiving he complained that he had put on 3 pounds. I scoffed. Because really, what does it matter?

I'm going to make a bit of a fool of myself here, but hopefully it makes a good point. Because this is how I determine if I have good body image. I realized a few years back that I look damn sexy in jeans and a bra. Yep. I do. Doesn't matter what jeans - skinny, boot cut, boyfriend cut, or hey, even my boyfriend's jeans - just like it doesn't matter the bra (even sports bras that squish the boobs!). I think I look fabulous in jeans and a bra. But that exposes my stomach, the one area of my body that I don't totally love. I love my freakishly strong legs and sneakily toned arms and my curvy hips and bouncy butt and even my weirdly shaped toes from ice skating. But my stomach has always been soft and squishy and I dislike it. But even on days when I'm feeling fat or have just eaten a pint of ice cream b/c of some drama or have a busy weird horrible eating week, I can come back, look at myself and be like, "Yep, ya still got it."

So my general holiday hope for you all is that you can find an aspect of yourself that you absolutely love and can always come back home after a bad body image day and check that out and think you're just darn sexy. And feel free to steal my idea b/c I have a feeling it's a fairly universal good look for ladies. If you want to share your idea with me, just let me know! Have a good start to your break!

Resume Building

Now that I'm taking 5 years in college, I can put off worrying about my resume for a little bit longer. It's a bit of a relief knowing I'm going into a field where summer internships aren't expected, if not demanded. That's not to say that you shouldn't do something with your summers though.

So I'm looking at my options. Summer study abroad programs are still available and I'm considering a couple of them. Or I could stay in Columbia and take summer courses and possibly work and help out with a couple of programs I know of. Or I could go back to Indiana and work at a tutoring place or volunteer with the high school while taking online summer courses. Or I can do what I was going to do last summer and do the Wilderness Leadership stuff. I have a couple of summers left, so I'm not terribly worried about how exactly I'll build my resume with those. I think any of those options offer solid resume building.

Next semester, I think I will be working at the place I currently volunteer at. A couple of the staff members have singled me out and told me that they want me to work there. I am constantly told how much my time is appreciated. The head of the organization knows my name and none of the names of other volunteers. I'm thinking it's a great opportunity to make a little money and a great place to get references.

I'm also getting a Service Learning certificate and possibly a Multicultural Certificate and a Japanese minor and a Journalism minor and an English minor. Sometimes I worry that all this will seem like I'm unfocused, but they all work so well together, especially with what I hope to do with my life. So that builds up the resume too. The GPA is decent, it's improving as we go on, especially now that I'm not taking Japanese language classes, and I think I have a good chance to make myself competitive in that manner.

So why, when I do all this, have all this planned, do people still tell me I need to build up my resume? It's solid. I'm good. I don't want a crap ton of fluff. I like what I have. I don't want to join your honors society and take 2 credit hour seminars on things that will be of no use to me just so I can say I was specially selected. I don't want to join your pre-teachers union just so I can act like I understand how they interact with school systems before I see it for myself. I'll tell you right now that 90% of kids who put that on their resume didn't do squat while they were in the society.

I just feel like I'm back in high school and everyone is worried about taking that prep course so they get above a 2100 on the SAT or joining this club and being an officer so they can get into a good college. Just stop it! Do what you want for a change. I can hear the protests - but I need to do this so I can do what I want later. No, you don't. You'll get there if you want it enough. Stop it. I know my audience well enough to know that we've been afforded plenty of opportunities to get there and no matter how much we mess it up, getting where we want is still within our reach. Even if I don't work with the school district in advance, I'll find a job. And I'll get where I want eventually. It'll happen. You'll get there. So just enjoy your life for a change. Stop worrying about your resume and do something that you might not even put on your resume. You'll thank me later.

Don't Be Afraid

When I was a photojournalism major, I was afraid of what the future held. I didn't like the thought of competing to take photos of what I wanted. I just wanted to be able to take photos of sports. I didn't want to fight against 10 others to have my photos published. I didn't want to be another name that no one knows, publishing photo after photo for 20 bucks a pop. I feared the competition. I feared that I would not have a job. I feared I would be stuck in a dead-end position until I got married and became a housewife. I feared I would then take up a position at a local housewifey magazine produced by a kept wife in the gated community in whatever suburb my husband and I chose to live. I was afraid.

I am not afraid to teach. I am not afraid of the stiff competition it will take to get into the district I want, into the exact position I want. I am not afraid because I know I have the tools and the drive and the talent and that cannot be taken away from me like my will to be a photographer. They've already tried. My professors have told horror stories about having staplers thrown at their heads and students simply walking out of class and I have seen teachers blow up at their students and lose their cool and lost their jobs and I am not afraid of that happening to me. Because I am above all that. I have the drive and the passion to work with my students and to catch that stapler and set it quietly on my desk and continue with my lesson. I have begun to experience this and I have worked through it and found other means to cope and express my point. I have become frustrated and students have seen that and taken advantage of it, but I regained control. I have the power and the ability to do what I want and I am not afraid to do it. I am not afraid of failing. I know my first year won't be great. But the next year I will be better. And I'll fall into a grove that works, making adjustments for each student, each class, each year.

Students in my classroom will be the students in that video. Students will want to express themselves and I can help them accomplish that. When I watched that video, the first time I listened to their voices. I listened to what they said and I sympathized because I could see myself in their shoes. Then I watched it again. And I saw their teachers and their support system that encouraged them to get to that point. And I saw myself influencing my students to do the same. I saw myself teaching student rhythm and flow and how poetry is just like lyrics.

And if just once every ten years I can have a student with the drive this group of students has, I will be happy. And because there are those students out there, waiting for me to reach out to them, I am not afraid of what my future as an educator holds.

[Published unedited, written in 8 minutes. If you want more from Brave New Voices, just Google it and be amazed.]

Upular

This made me lol in my roflcopter. And grin so so so much. So if you like the movie Up! in the slightest, I suggest watching this.



Yes, that's my way of saying I'm too lazy and/or busy to think of a real post. Enjoy! XD

Woof!

I'm singing this song and my rabbit is staring at me all wide eyed, ears tuned in all weird. Despite me singing almost everyday, he still sometimes gets all freaked out by it. He's much happier overall though, now that he lives away from dogs who aren't trying to eat him anytime they enter the room.

Which will be a problem when I get a dog. For my 21st birthday. Yeah, I've got this planned. Since it's towards the end of the year, I can get a puppy and keep him (or her) in the apartment for about a week. Then it's summer and I'll be at home and I can be with the pup and by the time we get back to school, s/he'll be fairly decently trained and on his/her way to being an awesome dog.

So basically, no alcohol for my b-day gift please. Dog toys would be a much better option. Or you know, both. Whatevs. That's totally responsible. XD

But really, what dog should I get? I go for larger dogs, but if I had to get a small dog I'd get a Pomeranian or a Havanese. Medium would ideally be a Border Collie, but I don't have the energy or time to train one of those just yet. And they get grumpy and destructive if not entertained enough. Which s/he wouldn't be while I'm in college. So I'm thinking maybe an Aussie Shep instead. But they don't have tails which I think is very very strange. Actually, I'm not too sure about getting a medium sized dog. I'd much rather have a large or giant dog. Like a Berner or a Great Dane. And, of course, there are the typicals such as a lab or a retriever or German Shepherd, so count them in too.

Or I could get a mutt from the Humane Society. I have a few favorites and I'm not sure if they're still there, but if they are I have a retriever mix and a rott/lab that love me almost as much as I love them. And, for some reason, the place seems to get a different St. Bernard monthly, so I'd certainly pick up one of those if possible.

So out of that long list, which do you think I should get? I figure I need to start researching this now so if I decide to go purebred (which is a whole other issue I can't fathom yet, along with if I should get an adult or a puppy), I can start researching breeders with litters due in March so the pup is old enough come May. Savvy? Good! Now get to deciding!

Time is Money

I feel like I might have mentioned this before, but let me make this perfectly clear. I hate it when professors go overtime. Absolutely hate it. I don't like it when they let us out earlier either and it bugs me when people start packing up 3 minutes before class ends. I will give the professor a 30 second grace period, like they did in interp events, ya know? But beyond that, you're wasting my time.

It's incredibly rude! You have my attention and time from the second that clock hits the hour, or half hour depending on the start of class, to the very end of the 50 or 75 minutes. After that, we're done. I have other classes to go to, a bus to catch, a meeting to attend. I am not responsible for making sure that you transfer all your information to us in the time allotted. That is your problem.

My photojournalism professor is notorious for this, especially when we are critiquing photos. He'll go 5 minutes overtime without a thought. It's only when we're pushing 8 minutes overtime and the class after us is pushing through the door that he's like, "Oh, I suppose we should vacate the premises." He says that too! Gosh, it irks me so much. Now, for the 5th time in a row, instead of being able to go home and shower before my next class, I am sitting in one of our unions, passing the hour. I suppose he thinks it is acceptable because he cancels class often and on days that we don't critique, he lets us out sometimes 15 minutes early. It's nice of him. I do appreciate the time off. But I feel like instead of canceling class that often, he could take two class periods to critique and we wouldn't be rushed and there would be no need to go overtime.

But on the flip side of this, as I mentioned, is when people start packing up and putting away their notebooks or laptops 3-5 minutes before the end of class. I feel when people do this, they are telling the professor that they don't respect them. And when professors go overtime, they're telling us that they don't respect us! It's a terrible conundrum that I'm not sure how to fix. What do you guys think?

Relationships in College: Part 3

I has come to my attention that people are doing something I find more than a little ridiculous these days. It's called "talking." It's not face to face talking and having conversations. Oh no, that would be far too simple. It's texting. It's a freaking text based relationship.

I think this might be worse than online relationships.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying never text your significant other or never Skype (I don't EVEN want to know about the dirty Skyping sessions. Recently learned that those existed too. EW) or never IM each other until 2am. No. Do all those things. Just freaking establish an official relationship first.

My roommate got involved with this guy she met almost 2 months ago. He came up to visit for a weekend and since then they've texted a lot. Never really talked on the phone. The guy doesn't have frequent access to internet, so they can't do the online thing. Just texting. But he'd text her "Good morning sunshine" frequently and the last thing she'd read before bed was "Love you, sweet dreams, can't wait to see you again," or something of the like. Now, I'm not one to judge for moving into a relationship so quickly - god knows I am certainly capable of falling faster than an anvil for a new guy - but there was no relationship. They were just texting. Oh, excuse me. They were just "talking."

Two options: read or watch. Or both! It's more fun to have options. =)



Talking?! Seriously?! What are we, middle schoolers? Isn't that what a middle school relationship should be? When you guys hold hands during passing periods and your groups eat lunch together and you text constantly? Am I right?! I feel like I'm going crazy for expecting a relationship in college to be an actual serious relationship with two people committed to each other with physical and emotional intimacy. Under the talking doctrine there's just...what? Fake intimacy? False commitment? Shit son, why don't you just say you're hooking up. Oh wait! You never see the guy. So you really are just talking then. But it's a relationship. Riiiiiight.

Please, someone explain this to me. I just don't get it. Even less than I understand the friends with benefits. I need to write about the random hook up. I haven't experienced it, but at least I understand that a little bit better.

Fall

One thing I really appreciate since I've moved from CA to the Midwest is the changing of the seasons. In CA, you know it's fall when the highs move into the 70s and a few trees drop their leaves. In the Midwest, fall is when the leaves turn all sorts of colors and acorns rain on your head as you walk through the quad and when the lows are mid 30s and highs are 50s. In CA, you know it's fall when the sky randomly clouds over for a few minutes and the fog hangs around little longer in the mornings. In the Midwest, you know it's fall when the wind picks up and it's cloudy for almost a day and then the storms come for 3 or 4 hours and the day after it's completely still.

Allow me to paint you a picture. I wore jeans and a blue v-neck today. Plus a black/grey plaid scarf. Plus flip-flips. I walked out of my 5pm lab tonight around sunset. You wouldn't have known that though - the sky was a deep grey. It was surprisingly warm, probably mid 60s even accounting for the at least 15mph winds. I turned on my music player to this song and drummed and hummed and lip synced and danced my way to the bus. I have lab on the very north end of campus. The bus stop is in front of the student union, which is about as far south as you can go on the campus for classes. It's a solid 10 minute walk. So there I am, scarf twirling around me, flip-flips falling off my feet b/c I keep kicking them everywhere and jumping around. I got some weird looks from the engineering students. Then again, I usually do, so it's not terribly surprising. I think I made someone jump when I started singing with "And I replied you're listening to it here!" Most of the walk is under trees too, so I was hopping from leaf to crunchy leaf and making lots of noise.

And I couldn't help but feel happy. Like this is what college is about. I'm finally where I want to be in my life. A distant friend and I sat next to each other on the bus last week and we talked about how we've grown in college, what paths we went down that maybe we shouldn't have, which ones we liked. And I feel like it could all be summed up in that moment when I was dancing under the acorn shower. Contentment. You're at ease. You know what you want and how to get there and you don't have to be concerned with anything else that's going on, you're just living right in that moment. Sort of a peace and clarity thing going on. I think I have one of those moments every fall when the weather changes like this. It's quite wonderful.

Doors

I'm not sure if this is a college thing or a Midwest thing, so I'd like to throw it out there for your thought. I've been at college for two full years and a couple months now, and I've had plenty of time to go back to the real world for extended periods of time and travel around the country and all that stuff. And I've noticed something.

No matter what college you're at, people hold doors open for others. Now, it's not always the official, "here let me get that door while I let a whole line of people walk in." No, I'm not saying that, but people do indeed push/pull doors open behind them or wait for people to go through...it's not just the selfish "get the door for myself and myself only" mentality I dealt with in high school. I think it has to do with the massive volume of people rushing in and out of buildings, but I can't be certain. It might just be a Midwest thing, since I've never been to a West coast college during their normal school year, but I'm inclined to think that's not so. I am fairly certain it's just a college thing though because people certainly don't do this outside of college towns. I get doors slamming shut in my face anytime I go back home or to an area that isn't centered around the college. People just aren't as aware of other people.

I think it's a really great little gesture that makes people a bit happier. It's really not a big deal, but isn't it nice when you go to open a door and it's not coming back at you with full force from the guy ahead of you who just barged his way through? And you think to yourself, oh, yay, that was more convenient. And you hold the door open as you walk in so the person behind you doesn't have to slam their way through either and the chain just continues! We'd be saving arm strength and helping rid the world of grumpy people at the same time! But people don't do that in the real world. I had someone almost slam into me when I was walking into a restaurant (side note: Japanese totally ruined my ability to spell that word, I never do it right). I was at the end of my group and I held the door open behind me and I guess the person thought I wouldn't and he kinda rushed forward and yanked it back and caused a great deal of noise. I jumped (naturally, you all know how jumpy I am) and spun around and he had this surprised look on his face. "Oh. Sorry...I thought..." "It's okay, I'm jumpy," and I rush away.

So here's what I'm wondering. Do you guys hold doors open for people at college? What about in the "real world"? Do people hold doors open for you? Do you think it makes any difference? On my way to class today, I held a door open for a potential future student and her mother and they seemed very surprised. The whole big, "Oh! Thank you!" thing and I just nodded and smiled a bit. Is it really that big of a deal to hold a door open for others?

Accomplished

I can cross a couple things off my life-to-do list now. One is coordinate (and mostly make) a meal for a large group. The other is determine if I'll be able to handle a group of teenagers.

I succeeded at both. 24 servings of chicken and mixed veggies (with tons of chili and garlic powder and a bit of butter) and homemade mashed potatoes with cheese and globs of butter and garlic powder and pepper. I have an overflowing bowl of delicious leftovers in my fridge. Fruits of my labor.

See, I volunteer 7 hours a week at an afterschool program for all grade levels. It's kinda for a teaching class, but I'm going waaaay beyond the call of duty regarding hours here. It's not in the nicest area of Columbia, so we provide one decent meal for these kids. Usually there are at least 4 staff members there, but today there were only 3 of them. And the one who was supposed to cook didn't show up. We usually serve dinner at 5. At 4:50, we figured out this person wasn't coming in. So a staff member, Ms. M (we call everyone Ms. or Mr. at this place), and myself started cooking. But Ms. M doesn't like to cook and we couldn't find the meal sheet (which tells us what to cook) and on top of all that, she had to leave at 5:30. So we pull out potatoes and mixed veggies. I start scrubbing away at potatoes, she cooks veggies. Then we search for a protein. There's chicken. We fed them chicken already this week. There's pork. Who knows how to cook pork? Ground meat. They did that just yesterday. Chicken it is. We'll put some new spices on it. Perfect. Throw it in the oven and heat it up. It's pre-cooked, right?

No. Of course not. So while we're worrying about non-cooked chicken and cutting up the potatoes and getting the dang water to boil so we can cook them and somehow bring non shredable American cheese (not exactly sure why we felt we needed to shred the cheese) into the whole mix, Ms. M finds the original list. Shepherd's pie with carrots. Doesn't Shepherd's pie already have carrots in it? Do we have time to cook the stuff into pies? We're already going with this...thing. Shepherd's pie can be another time. Speaking of time, she's outie. And I'm in charge. It's just my second week. And I have a group of 5 teenagers throwing floppy cheese bits at each other in the middle of my kitchen.

So we get to work. One girl watches the veggies, one girl watches the chicken, the boys wash and chop potatoes and somehow will the water to boil and cook them and then drain and mash them. Did I mention I have a habit of taking over when people try to cook? It happens to me a lot. I don't mean to. But I end up just doing everything, even though I assign people to do stuff. So that veggies girl ends up setting out plates, the chicken girl ends up cutting chicken and pouring milk with one of the boys, a girl who is part of the program helps me with the mashing and mixing (and tossing cheese in?) of potatoes and before I know it, we're plating. And this time I give everyone a job and I let them stick to it.

And they all listened! Now, granted this was a group of volunteers so they're willing to help and take direction, but they hadn't been alerted that I was put in charge. And they've all been helping out longer than I have. And more often. But they respected my authority and it helped things go smoothly. And a lot of them complimented me on what I made and how I ran things after the fact. It was really awesome.

And even beyond that, more kids in the program are calling me by my name and the staff members are chatting with me, asking how my day went, and we're learning about each other and I'm helping kids learn what verbs are vs. nouns and it's all just really good stuff. I'm making a difference and that's something that was lacking in my former career path.

Question 1: Testing

I've made it fairly well known that I have changed my career path from photojournalist to teacher. But let's just make that switch official, okay? No more photojournalist-y crap (okay, maybe sometimes). Let's start talking about education. In particular, testing. I just took my first test of the semester. It was for a journalism course and pretty much all short answer. I didn't study as much as I should have, especially with respects to a few sections of content, but I think I did fairly well. Yay me! One of the things that really helped me was having a test the teacher used two years ago to study from. Yeah. Fairly sure if I didn't have that, I would have failed. Basically. So that got me thinking.

I'm going to be a high school English teacher, right? And part of that will be testing my students. How far should I go to make sure they're prepared for the tests? Testing isn't just a reflection of the students' performance, it is a reflection of my performance. If I'm not teaching something properly, it will show in the tests and I will have to adjust my teaching style for that. Does offering a study guide help the students or does it just hurt them? Like I said, had I not had the test from a few years ago to guide my studying, I probably would have failed. The questions I got right were basically verbatim ones from her old tests. So should I offer old tests to students as study guides? Should I even have study guides?

The student in me panics thinking of taking a course without study guides, or poorly constructed study guides. I love study guides. I know what professors want me to focus on then. I know what they want from me and what I should take from this course. And isn't that the part of testing? To make sure students know what you need them to know? But the teacher part of me wonders how much students learn if you're guiding them with such a heavy hand. I took a statistics course my first semester in college and the professor made at least 4 years of tests available to us. And I diligently worked my way through all of them before each test as an alternative to conventional studying. It worked well. I got an A in that class without much effort outside of taking all those tests. But now? I'm not sure how helpful I'd be to someone struggling in that course. I don't remember much.

It's because I never had to think critically about the content of the course. So then my challenge as a teacher is to get my students to think critically but also simply regurgitate what I need them to do for the standardized tests. Can this be accomplished through short answer tests alone? I think not. So can I get them to regurgitate by taking tests and critically think by writing essays? Is it fair to break the course down like that? When I think back to my favorite English courses, I remember them being structured similarly. I remember learning the most this way. But that's just how I learn, not how everyone learns. If I structure my course in the way I learned best, how can I make sure that everyone learns well? Projects and group work and fun little time fillers only do so much to help the rest of the class learn. It's a difficult balance to find, but if I can identify all this after only a month in the teaching program, I think I'm off to a solid start. Besides, the school district will have so many restrictions on what and how I can teach, I doubt most of this will matter (jk...kinda...a little bit...tongue in cheek? yes).

Death of an Era

So my laptop died. Majorly. I was being my nerdy self and watching the latest episode of The Guild on Tuesday morning and all of a sudden, boom, colors invert, laptop freezes. I know what you're thinking. Macs don't freeze! They get the spinning wheel of death and are fine after 30 seconds! How is this possible? I wasn't too bothered by it, except that I had just gotten to a very interesting part in the episode and now had to reload it. What a nuisance!

Except simply restarting the machine didn't work. I got a strange screen. Striped green and pink-ish background with a small overlay telling me to restart. So I tried resetting a couple of things. Same screen. Well, it's Windows partitioned, let's boot it up with that. I can get to the screen that allows me to choose which OS to boot the laptop into, but if I try to boot Windows it restarts. How funky. I think it might be an issue with that. I take it to Tiger Tech. They tell me it's a motherboard issue. Right. Because Macs totally have motherboards (hint: Apple is far too hipster to use the term motherboard, even if they basically function the same). So I take it to Geek Squad who charges me 70 bucks and says they've fixed it roughly 24 hours later. And they have. I go to class and take notes and check Facebook and everything is good. Until I play a YouTube video (okay, tell me exactly when did Far East Movement become popular? All of a sudden they're everywhere and I'm kinda missing the days when they weren't b/c I liked them more). Then it does the same thing - inverts colors, freezes, after a reset I see the same screen.

So I go to Best Buy again and they set me up to have the thing shipped off and we're almost done when I ask how long it will take. Two to three weeks. I stare at the guy helping me. He's kidding, right? He has to be. He explains it's usually not a matter of diagnosing the problem, but more the obtaining of parts. I grab my laptop, say thank you, and walk on out of there. Well, not exactly, but basically. The guy gave me the number and location of the closest Apple authorized repair shop and refunded my money, but I did grab my laptop right out of his hands and said okay, thank you, I can't do that.

So now the laptop is at this random out of the way repair shop. They finally tell me the proper term for what my laptop is doing - kernel panic. It's most likely an issue with the video part of the logic board, which is a known defect on my particular model so they'll fix it for free. That's what I find out after 2 minutes of being there. I spent 10 minutes at Tiger Tech to have an ignorant person talk to me and at least 30 minutes at Best Buy working with 3 different Geek Squad members and I just open my laptop, show the front desk lady the issue, she flips the laptop over and checks the specific type and tells me all I need to know. And I go back less than a day later (about 50 hours after the official crash now) to get a few files off the laptop and the 2nd in command comes over and explains everything they're doing to my laptop. And tells me I should have it back on Monday. Or Tuesday. But most likely Monday.

Now I'm just worried that even though they'll fix everything (for free!) and none of the data has been corrupted that my laptop won't be the same. I love this laptop, even though it's a pain in the ass most of the time. I really need a computer to communicate with people. Any assignments from this week have been half-assed because I don't have my laptop. I don't have everything I need to do my job correctly. I need to be able to go home and organize my thoughts and email certain people asking certain things and I just can't do that when I'm in a computer lab. But what if I can't do that the same way after this logic board replacement?

So this is the death of the blog. Until Tuesday. Hopefully. Most likely.

ENTP

Do you remember when we had to do the personality typing in middle and high school? I must have had to take different tests in different classes at least 3 times. And then we'd take the tests that tell us which jobs we'd like that would match with our personalities? Yeah, those tedious things. On different days, in different years, I'd get different results. I would be introverted instead of extroverted. I would get judging instead of perceiving. But the intuition and thinking never changed.

I'm fairly certain what I've put in the title is my type. I'm extroverted, intuitive, thinking, and perceiving. I walk an incredibly fine line between introversion and extroversion, and I'm sure as hell judgmental a lot of the time, but at my core, that is what I am. I think the extroversion has happened more recently. I'm returning to the outward display of my emotions. Which makes for some interesting interactions with people.

Like when I was talking to a few Geek Squad guys about my laptop (yeah, that's how messed up it is. I got to talk to more than one of them). I'd happily bounce from explaining the start-up sound to what I was doing when the laptop died to animatedly showing what it's doing now...I was very bubbly about it all. And when they gave me good news ("Well it's not the motherboard..."), I'd spin around and be all happy. And when they gave me bad news ("...mainly because Macs don't have motherboards. It's probably the drive board, which is kind of like the motherboard."), I'd nearly fall to the ground. The perceiving is a little bit more difficult for me to determine, and I'm not certain I'm not judging. I'm really judging, guys. I judge people a lot. But I also like to claim I'm perceptive. And I guess when it boils down to it, women are typically more perceiving and non-judgmental so that's my explanation for that.

I was surprised to find that a close friend is an ESFJ. We're almost exact opposites. It made me wonder if she as well was close to being the opposite on a few of those. I always thought she was more perceiving and maybe perhaps a bit on the more intuitive side. Definitely feeling. But it got me thinking, maybe people aren't as they seem. I'm not sure people would say I'm ENTP, though I myself know I am. It's the perceiving that would really throw them off. I guarantee it. Would you have guessed that I am an ENTP?  Do you think people would guess what you are?

Rawr!

That is all. Good day.

It's not really all. It's a combination of my ex being a butthead, the just-a-friend still texting me, drama between two good friends who have a history together and getting placed in the friend zone with the crush. I am really frustrated and I say to hell with boys!

But really. That's all.

Oh Hello There

I dunno about y'all, but I just stare at the butts in this commercial. They're all so perfect and round. I wonder how they cast that. "No, we don't need to see your face, just turn around and...yeah...no, no that's not quite what we're looking for. Nice legs though. Thanks. Next!" But that got me thinking! No matter the gender, I notice people's hair and eyes. I really like hair and eyes. They're so cool.

I love looking at wavy hair, probably because I don't have it myself. I like how it moves. It seems so much more fun than straight hair. I think brown hair that gets red in the sunlight is the coolest thing ever. So if it's wavy and that amazing auburn? Holy crap, watch out, I will stare at you. But that's not to say I don't like straight hair, because I do. I like how sleek and shiny it can be. It just looks so wonderfully soft. I look at guy's short peach fuzz hair and wonder how it feels. Each peach fuzz head feels a little different, I think. I don't like the weird two-tone trend. Where you have dark on top and light under. It looks stupid. And streaky highlights are bad as well. Don't do the in-between - either keep your hair color (looking) natural, or dye it all hot pink, you know? Dreads are cool and choppy haircuts make me want to run over and mess it all up and watch you restyle it.

I'm weird. I acknowledge this.

And eyes! Good god, eyes are amazing. It's kind of funny that you have to see eyes by using eyes. I have pretty eyes. My dad and my brother have bluer eyes than I do, but my eyes do something rather cool. They're more grey than anything else, but when I wear something blue/teal, watch out! BAM! They're super blue. Green eyes are so mysterious. I feel like they look deeper into your eyes than any other color. I'm not sure why. I feel so on edge if someone around me has green eyes. Hazel eyes are like blue eyes in that they come in so many varieties and depending on the color you wear they look different. My mom's are a green-brown, my friend's are a green-blue, and I remember meeting someone with green-gold. Brown eyes are kinda iffy for me. I really like bright brown eyes, if that makes sense. But I think a lot of brown eyes are boring.

So I dunno. There's that. What are some things you notice right away about others?

静かに！

So today in class a professor made a negative comment that I'm sure was directed at me. And it hurt. Because I really do try in the class, I'm just not the best student in the class and when I speak up, I come across as super nervous and slightly incompetent. I did the work more completely than all but one other person in the class. It made me really angry because I see my classmates who can get by with so little effort when I put hours of work into the same thing. The professor can't see that though.

But then I wonder if maybe I should really be mad at myself. I'm the one holding me back, right?

But that got me thinking...doesn't the professor have a responsibility as an educator to take notice that I'm not performing up to expectations and contact me directly about it? Maybe offer ways I can improve? Not compare me to Tarzan. Yeah, thanks, that felt awesome. In my education courses, we've been talking about the responsibility of a teacher to his or her students and recognizing that not everyone learns the same and teaching all different kinds of methods is part of that responsibility. And this professor isn't meeting that. Now, I know we're in college and it's an upper level course so there is some expectation that these things will be accomplished individually. And that's fine. But there are more effective ways of saying, "Hey, you need to work a little more at this," than making a joke.

It's just...I dunno, it's gotten to the point where I'm ready to quit the class. I don't have to take this class, and if it's really going to take me 6+ hours a week to do the work...I just don't have that kind of time. Plus add on another 2 since I need to work even still harder at this to live up to my professor's expectations. And though I absolutely love my classmates, if this professor keeps it up I'm really going to snap.

My friend and I were talking earlier about maybe dropping the class in question since it's so much work and not in either of our majors. I think I was less serious than my friend was. I'm considering it a lot more now. Apparently I have until the 27th to decide. I'd try and enroll in an online English course which would help with the education major. It'd be a pretty general class - Brit Lit or something - so I could take it almost anywhere, since I think Mizzou isn't allowing you to enroll anymore. Eh. It's just an idea. The more I think about it though, the more dropping the class makes sense.

Ice Skating

I have tried and tried to write this post, but it's just never happened. It'll sit with the drafts of posts and watch as the ones around it get picked for posting and wonder why it isn't good enough.

But that's how I feel about ice skating. It's not good enough. I wasn't good enough. I like to breeze over the fact that I ice skated because I've changed so much since then. Because I always feel like it's the one time I really let something go I was passionate about. Because I was only 9 years old when I quit.

But none of that really makes sense does it? I can't just write about it in choppy sentences and vague explanations. So I'm taking a leaf out of J's book and doing a video blog. And hopefully I will verbally explain things better than I could write them.



I'm never doing a video blog again. That took way to damn much effort.

Friends-ish?

I was talking to my family about some of the new friends I've made recently. And that got me thinking, how can I really call someone I only met a few weeks, maybe a month, ago my friend? We're friends-ish? But then what about the friends who are close but just not quite close enough to be called good friends? Friends-ish again?

I don't mean to brag (okay, I kinda do), but I'm a really solid friend. I'm not the best friend in the world, but I've got it down. If you need me, I'm there. Want to talk to someone in the middle of the night? Call me up. Need a ride? I have a car. Just want to hang? Sure, I'm free. If you want advice, I can offer it. If you just want a sympathetic ear, well, I've learned how to give that too. But it wasn't always that way.

I used to be pretty unsympathetic. I think it reflects how I expect my friends to act. When I rant to someone, I don't expect them to be all, "Oh, I'm so sorry, that really sucks for you." I expect them to relate to me. I expect them to rant back and then tell me to suck it up and get over whatever petty thing is bothering me. Then I had some pretty bad things happen to me where I just needed sympathy. And I got why people wanted me to be sympathetic.

Still, it bothers me when people won't take action to better themselves. I stand to lose two good friends because of my stance (okay, so we'll still be friends, but we just won't be very close). They both rant to me about what's wrong with their respective lives and I'm sympathetic at first. They want it to change, so I offer suggestions on how to make it change. Then I get criticized for being judgmental. They don't want to take action; they want things to just happen for them. I can't stand this! I can't be sympathetic to people who won't help themselves. I just can't. If you aren't trying to better your situation, I see absolutely no reason to help you.

So they aren't talking to me right now, and it's a little troublesome to me. I want to keep these people as my friends, but I feel like they're being immature. I'm torn between being a good friend and waiting around for them to get over it, or being mean (while also possibly being a better friend) and pushing them further.

All this got me thinking about what I want from my friends. I want them to be there for me when shit hits the fan. I want my friends to invite me to hang out or study together. I want a phone call or email or text when something reminds you of me or to remind me of some inside joke. I don't demand constant contact, but monthly would be nice. I guess what it boils down to is time. I want your time. I want you to take the time to say, hey, I'm thinking of you or hey, I need your help. Clicking the like button on Facebook has too easily become a replacement for the occasional after school email.

I'm guilty of this too, but no more. I pledge to give my friends my time. And if you can't give that in return...well, I'm guess I'm not as close to as many people as I thought. But I think I'm okay with that. I don't want a ton of fluff friends cluttering my inner circle of friends, you know? Get rid of all the friends-ish. Quality over quantity. Ugh, it almost disgusts me to talk about friendships like that. I'm just going to stop before I piss someone off so much that they don't want to be my friend anymore. XD

My 2nd Night Without Shoes

I have a bad habit of just not wearing shoes when it matters, I guess. Hopefully some of you remember my first night without shoes. This night was not quite as epic and no where near as lengthy, but still one of my favorite "How the hell did I wind up in this situation?" college stories.

My old roommate has a birthday at the end January. She threw a party one weekend. I was sober driver for one of my friends who wanted to go to a different party first. I was just dropping her off, so I didn't wear shoes when I ran the 20 feet from my apartment to my car. But then she invites me to the party. And insists on me going in. So I do. People ask me why I'm not wearing shoes and I answer that since it's a luau themed party, shoes didn't seem necessary. How convenient, huh? They buy this story and I am able to mingle and join a group.

Then the group decides to break out a hookah and smoke some apple flavored tobacco. We go outside. Keep in mind, it's January. In the Midwest. At night. It's below freezing out and there's snow on the ground from the last fall a couple of days ago. And I. Don't. Have. Shoes. Once people stop trying to get me to try some of the hookah, they offer me drinks to warm me up. A sip of a mixed drink here, a wine cooler there...before I knew it, I had a mild buzz. For the first time. Outside in late January without shoes. Awesome.

By the time I decide to go back to my house, the buzz has worn off. But not for long. See, back at the apartment the party has picked up and once people hear about how I froze my feet off, they want to warm me up. With a Smirnoff Ice. And card games. And bad sing alongs. And piling 5 people onto a 3 person couch. XD

So! Lessons learned from this. Always wear your shoes when you leave the house. No matter what. If you're cold, alcohol really does help. Hookah just doesn't taste that great. And if you are in need of alcohol, go with sympathy. Works like a charm.

Tone and Expression

I don't mind texting and IM and email and Facebook and all that stuff, but boy do I like talking to people face-to-face a lot better. You know that whole 70% of communication is non-verbal thing? I really get it.

About a month ago, a friend was telling me about her co-workers and I picked up that she might like one more than the others. It was something in the way she spoke about the co-worker. It seemed softer compared to how she spoke of the others. Her like for this co-worker was later confirmed. She decided she better not ever try and lie to me b/c I'd figure it out. We tested it. She picked 2 memories from her childhood and made up another and I picked the correct false memory. All three were very common memories - the false one was about a time she fell off her bike. Her voice got tighter when telling this. Her words more neatly formed.

It happens with my best friend too. We video chatted a few weeks ago and I could read her face. Yeah followed by an ellipsis just isn't the same as being able to see how the corners of the mouth turn down and the big sigh that accompanies the breathy yeah. A =/ isn't the same as seeing the look of slight pity and concern that creates wrinkles around the eyes and brow. It happened with my new roommate when I first met her. I mentioned that I have a rabbit and her entire face lit up. Eyes crinkled at the edges. I only asked permission to keep him in the apartment (in my room, in his cage nearly 24/7 b/c he hates the world) as a courtesy after that.

I like noticing these things. It's like hunting for clues and when you find them, you learn more about the person in question. And they will drop the same clues and you can recognize that and anticipate it in the future. Little secrets only you know. That little smirk, the head tilts, the fluctuations in the laugh. You notice how they talk to different people in different tones and how their mood will reflect in their interactions with the same people.

Something about me? When my heart beats faster, regardless of the reason, my eyes dart around a lot. It doesn't matter if it's just because I've exercised or nervous or what. I feel like I have to be more alert. I've tested myself to try and just keep my eyes focused on one thing. Can't. Doesn't work. And maybe this is a pretty common thing, but I don't think so. I asked my best friend what are some mannerisms that are uniquely me. She says it's sometimes hard to tell my emotions because I'm not an extremely expressive person. I say "okay" very monotone and instead of shrugging I will tilt my head to the side and back again while pulling my mouth in the same direction. I think I also shrug when I do that, but it's more subtle than other people.

I think I have a blind spot though. It's with people I am romantically interested in. I must, right? I never know what their body language means. I always second guess. I always assume I'm wrong. It's not just a gender thing, though I do admit I have more difficulty reading male friends than female friends. But say I'm hanging out with a guy friend. We aren't interested in each other. I can read his body language. He doesn't have to tell me how nervous he is about going to a new school or just how much he is looking forward to finally having weekends free to visit friends. I can read it on his face, in the way he sits in his chair. But I around the guy I am interested in? And I can't figure a damn thing out. It wasn't for lack of expressions - he's far more expressive than the one I'm just friends with. It was the fear of reading too much into his tone and expression. I don't want to screw things up by over-thinking, over-observing. I don't think it's working.

Proper Posture

I stand funny. I do. Look at how I stand sometime. It's awesome.

It starts with the feet. My right foot points forward, my left foot points to the left. It's the standard ice skating starting and ending position, called a T-stop because you form a T. I've had people ask if I'm a dancer based on that alone. It's habit. I can't stop it.

The way my feet are make it easy to stick the right hip out. My hand will often rest somewhere between my waist and the top of my hip on the right side. I look like a girl with attitude. I'm not trying to be. It's the way the feet are, I swear. Try standing up straight with the feet that way. Then stick the hip out. Much better, huh? That left leg gets some slack and even more attitude is added to the whole pose.

Then we get to the upper body. I lean to the left. I do. It's natural. In quarter midgets, the Gs would push us (in particular our necks) to the outside, to the right. To counteract this we'd kind of slouch and lean to the left, so our heads would be sticking out the side instead of looking out the front. I sit this way in my car too. It's terrible. Once I settle in for a long drive, I'm practically facing away from the passenger seat, slouched down so I can see maybe 3/4ths of what I could before, head flopped over to the left. Guests ask if I'm tired. I'm not tired. Tired position is when I'm leaning over the steering wheel. Relaxed, comfortable, in control position is racing position. It just transfers into my normal stance too.

My head makes me look confused, I think. Tilted to the left. I'm sure people just think it means I'm listening, but I feel like it's super awkward. I usually don't have a smile on my face, but lately I've found it difficult to keep from allowing at least a smirk to cross.

All this adds up to me preferring people be on my left. Which is fine because I find a lot of people prefer to have me on their right. But it just makes me wonder what you can tell about a person by the way they stand. I'm sure there are sites out there that say if someone stands with their shoulders even it means they are self-assured or if their hands are at their sides instead of crossed or in their pockets it means they are open, but I mean the real stance. The ice skating and racing influenced one. The ashamed of your height slouch. The shy and unsure shoulder hunch. The one that tells a story about you.

New Music

I listen to the radio a lot when I travel from my home to college. I usually listen to hit or classic rock stations. But through Terre Haute there's this amazing college run station. And they have provided me with my new music for the month. I find a new band every month, basically. But I rarely add the band to my collection. This one I am. And I have to share them.

Reasons are two fold. First is they're legitimately good. They've been a band for a while and they're used to working together. They have a consistent sound and catchy lyrics. God are the lyrics catchy. If you don't start humming along after the second time you listen to a song, you have no taste in music. Second is they're Canadian. That's just the ultimate cherry on top for me, huh? XD It's actually a bit inconvenient b/c while they're doing shows all over B.C. and Ontario there is very little chance of them coming to the US. Though I still have hope, since their album is being released in the US in about a month.



So there you go. Marianas Trench. When I decide how to pronounce that I'll let you know. In the meantime enjoy the happy-emo-for-the-non-emos headbopping music. And if you liked that song, listen to Acadia and All to Myself next. And then just try and tell me you don't like them.

Real Women

There's really not much I could ever think to add to this. It's absolutely beautiful. I want to be able to write like that. Especially that end. Wow, does that end rock, or what? There's a part of me that complains that I already can write like that, and I think I understand that, but I certainly don't most of the time. This entire blog being a testament to that statement.

My mom's best friend jokes that I can't call myself a woman until I go to a spa and get a mud bath and massage. While I am warming up to the idea of a professional massage, I still do not want to submerge myself in glorified exfoliant and let it settle in all kinds of places. No thank you. What happens at the beach is bad enough. But her comments did get me thinking...when do I consider myself a woman.

I don't know about your moms, but mine made a huge fit when I started wearing a bra. And then a few years later when I hit another "womanly milestone." And when I had my first kiss and so on and so forth. But, in my eyes, none of that made me any closer to being a woman. I always felt adulthood was more important, more tangible. Now that I'm legally an adult, I think adulthood hasn't come yet. Using that way of thinking, maybe I've been a woman since birth. Which, legally speaking is true. So then how do you feel it?

I'm sure guys go through the same thing here. How do they know when to call themselves a man? Is it when they start shaving? Is it once they lose their v-card? How do you know? It's a personal identity issue, of sorts, I think. I'm sure two generations ago, anyone past the age of 18 would say they were a wo/man. And maybe a few generations before that, even as young as 15. But that does not necessarily mean that this way of thinking works for this day and age. Is this man or woman status dependent on independence from our parents? Is it inherently tied to what we consider adulthood?

I'm genuine and I'm female. But there is more to being a real woman than those two things. I think a big part of it is confidence and self-awareness. There's also the whole "comfortable in your own skin" factor, which comes and goes for a lot of women and I think it's a requirement for a real woman. What are some of these factors to you?

Tongue-Tied

I used to have decent enunciation. In debate you work hard on that. Making sure that at least the words are understood is kinda important when you're talking about foreign policy to a bunch of parents who mostly don't care. Sometimes they were foreign themselves which just added a layer of complexity you had to figure out. The threat of hegemony didn't mean a thing to them.

But recently I've found myself slipping terribly. I was talking to someone about my family's first gen 360 finally red ringing and I kept saying red wing. The Red Wings are an amazing hockey team. Or something far less G-rated. But it is rather ridiculous to keep saying "the red winged xbox." I just picture a black Xbox sprouting big red wings and flapping when you turn it on. No more happy start up sound, it's a screeching bird instead. I did it just the other night when I was bonding with my roommate. I could not say Credence Clearwater Revival to save my life. Cweedence Queerwater. Swear to god that's what I said. What am I, five? Did I just forget how to pronounce consonants in repetition?

I don't normally get tongue-tied. I mumble, sure, but that's how I talk, kinda softly but quickly. I feel like more and more often I'm having to really think about what I want to say before I say it. And it's really super annoying. I'm happy to share my thoughts and opinions, and I know I'm capable of being articulate, but if I can't do that efficiently I look like a fool. It's really annoying too because it seems to happen most often around people I feel the need to impress or make a favorable impression on. Also around guys I like, but I think a lot of people feel that way (C, I am totally looking at you).

But really, this stumbling issue is getting to the point that I think I need to do speaking exercises. Speech kiddos know anything I could do to help eliminate this?

These are the days

I woke up at 8:30am yesterday to go out to our last family meal before both kids are in college. I went to sleep today at 6:30am. My mom woke me up at 7:30am to say good-bye until I come back for a visit. My phone woke me up multiple times around 8am. My dad woke me up at 10:00am to tell me he was heading back to the shop. It is now 11am. I leave for college at noon.

These last few days of summer are the ones I live for. I feel fantastic. I'm probably going to stay up until 2am, hanging out with friends. I am bringing fireworks to shoot off as one last hurrah before school starts.

I suppose I should explain why I haven't slept much. My brother didn't have a good night of racing yesterday. Someone hit him going almost full speed when my brother was totally and completely stopped. Bent the frame, broke our fuel tank. You can't race with a bent frame. Or that broken fuel tank. No. Kinda need one of those. So that means you tear the broken car down and move all the parts to a new frame. It's like those Ford truck commercials where they start with the metal outline of the truck and then add all the parts and the bolts and body? Do all that for a sprint car. The last time it happened, they (being my dad and our crew chief) were out until 7am and went back at 9am. Oh bother.

This time I helped out. I mean, my brother races to keep his points lead today and tomorrow goes to move his stuff in at college and then starts college the day after that. I've been at this for a few years. I know the drill. These days where I don't get much sleep because I have better things to be doing? They're the days I live for. But my brother? He's going to have a lot coming at him in a short period of time. He needs to sleep because his better things are still to come this weekend.

I look at my dad and, even at our crew chief, and I realize I can't keep living like this forever. I see how it affects them. My dad is about ready to collapse. The crew chief, less than 10 years older than I, needs constant caffeine to continue working on the car. But me? Eh, I feel fine. I've saved up a stash of sleep over the summer, it's okay. I don't suffer the way they do.

Maybe that's why I feel obligated to do these sort of things. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to go on all these adventures. I'm in college! My last hurrah before the real world. J and I have a love for the song September by Earth, Wind & Fire. It asks if you remember the 21st night of September and basically explains why that night was so epic. So let's do it. 21st night of September. You have a month to prepare. Make it legendary.

Humor Me

Boys are funny. I'm not sure girls really get it. Guys are so much funnier than we are. They make a lot more jokes, they say a lot more stupid things, they try a lot harder to make conversations lighter.

I like hanging out with guys because they make a lot of perverted jokes. I think when I hang out with mostly girls and someone makes a "that's what she said" comment, I'm far less likely to point it out than I would if I were in a group with mostly guys. I feel like typical guy humor fits my humor a lot better. I have so many immature comments that I hold back most of the time, but if I'm around guys I don't worry about it. And it usually gets even more laughs than if a guy had said it. I love it. Being one of the guys is awesome. I forgot how much I enjoyed it.

I don't worry so much about how I phrase things. If it comes out wrong, it's a joke and that's fine. If I trip over my words I just quote Adam Sandler ("t-t-t-t-todaaaay, junior!") and it's all good. No one's judging me. Just spit it out somehow, we'll figure it out.

The downfall of hanging out with guys is that they have a weird way of doing serious talk. It feels more like an interview than a conversation. It freaks me out. I want to make some comment to force them to crack a smile, to slip up, something! I think it's more in the body language. Girls tilt their heads and lean in and nod or frown and guys remain far more stoic.

I don't want to hang out with a group of guys all being serious. It's BORING. Girls being serious is dramatic and entertaining. Around guys it's all "meh, girls are crazy" "meh, what ya gonna do?" "yeah. meh." BLAAAAH. Tell me the stories. Tell me why these girls are crazy. Tell me what exactly you did about it b/c obviously you aren't putting up with the craziness anymore. Just...humor me a little bit. Indulge me.

Uncharted Waters

So I inadvertently discovered a guy likes me. I don't like him back. And I have no clue what to do.

Basically, when I was moving into my apartment I got a call from a guy, B. He and his younger brother were throwing a back-to-school BBQ in two days, wanted to know if I could come. I told him I would, if I were in the state. I wasn't certain of my plans, but would let him know when I found out. I was kinda surprised to be invited. I mean, I've known these guys since I was 10, so I'm comfortable around them, but they're closer to my brother. So I figured I was just invited out of courtesy. I decided I'd go if it was convenient.

It was, so I went. I mingled and broke out of my shell a little bit. I made some witty comments and some awkward blunders, but I did what I set out to accomplish. B stuck by my side for a lot of the party. At first I thought he was just looking out for me. I only knew my brother and the two hosting the party, so I brushed it off as him just being a good host. But slowly it turned into instead of talking in a group it would be just he and I talking. And he wasn't being the loud funny B I knew. He also threw some playful physical contact into the mix. Nothing boundary testing, but I felt singled out. I'm just the sister of his racing buddy and a family friend. I get treated like a sister by both him and his brother. Racing groups tend to be familial like that.

I picked up on clues all night and had nailed it down by about 11pm. He was flirting, without a doubt. There was something going on that I wasn't previously aware of. My brother and I stick around until we're one of the last ones to leave and drive the 40ish minutes home, singing to epic music including CCR, Ke$ha and Brand New. Envy us. We get home about 1:30. Before 1:40, there's a text from B, asking if we made it home all right. I reply of course, thanks for checking. I get a fairly long text in reply explaining he was glad I could go to the party and hopes I had a good time and to let him know if I'm ever in town and want to hang out or if I want to chat just call.

And that's when I went, "Oh shit." B's a nice dude. Super funny. I'm fairly sure I've mentioned him before on this blog. But he's stuck on the friend ladder. Did not at all think for a second that was even in the cards. Ever. And it really sucks b/c I feel like I just got to a point where I could really start getting to know him, but now I can't without feeling like I'm leading him on. Which I'm fairly certain I would be. So I'm thinking I have two options. Ignore it and hope he stops liking me, or tell him and risk losing a friend. I know telling him would be the right thing, but I don't want to make things awkward in a friendship that finally just got off the ground. But that awkwardness will just be temporary, so it'll be worth it in the end. What do you guys think?

Back to School

Let's cut the philosophical crap for a second and allow me to give you a life update, huh?

I'm sitting in my 2-bedroom apartment listening to my somewhat shy roommate flirt with her friend. It's kinda funny. And cute. It also makes me realize that I'm actually fairly good at reading people through their tone of voice. But that's another post, huh? I'm all moved in except for clothes and some minor decorations for the room (read: I have absolutely nothing on the walls and it's creeping me out) and...my bunny! I spoke to my roommate right before her friend arrived and her eyes lit up when I asked if I could have a rabbit. So I'm pleased about that. Milo will actually get taken care of this year. He needs that.

I'm waiting for my TV to recognize all the channels we have here (They increased it from last year! But now I have to memorize new channels. Bother.) before going to buy books. Then I'm going to wander around a state park b/c all this "being responsible" and "getting ready for school" stuff is making me want summer back. Then I'm going to drive home. It'll be a decent day.

I'm ready to be back in this environment, but I'm not sure I'm ready for school to start. People keep asking me what courses I'm taking, and I honestly can't even remember. 3 journalism courses, 2 education and 1 Japanese. I think that's right. Sounds right. I guess I'll know when I go buy books, huh? XD

I'm excited for more people to move back to college. Right now it's just a few friends who are here and I kinda feel like I'm clinging to the ones who are. I need L to move back, stat. She visited me this summer, did I mention that? I showed her all around IN. Turns out, I'm actually a decent guide. And I can adjust the tour based on personal preferences. For only living in that state for a few years, I actually know a decent amount about it. Kinda proud.

Well, the TV is done so I should get going to the bookstore. [gasps] I just realized. I can get BOBA! I love this town. =D

Roam Around the World

The B52s are not my type of music. You probably know them for Love Shack. My mom has their greatest hits collection and I laugh every time she plays Rock Lobster. The song makes absolutely no sense. I think the band was on drugs when they wrote most of their songs. But I really really love Roam.

It's my number one road trip song. Whenever I hear it, I think about all the places I want to go and who I want to go there with. It makes me nostalgic for the days I spent with my neighborhood friend, H, planning our trip to Disneyland for the weekend after our 16th birthdays (I was only 2 days older). It makes me excited to think about going on a trip with a certain group of friends. It makes me remember driving through an ice storm in Wyoming in the middle of the night. I turned off the radio (not that I would have been able to hear it anyway) and just softly sang this song over and over to keep myself calm.

If I actually went all the places I've made plans to go with people, I think my life would be a lot different. Possibly a lot fuller. I'd be able to remember Hawaii and the Grand Canyon. My love for Vancouver might be a bit more substantiated. I'd have been to Japan and Taiwan.

For the past two years, I have dreamed of taking a weekend ski trip to Colorado. Tell my professors that I'm sick and go skiing Friday, Saturday and a halfday on Sunday. It's so terribly convenient. Hop on 70 west until you see signs telling you to take a certain exit for a certain ski resort and, half an hour later, you're there. Done. I think the reason I haven't is the thought of a 14 hour drive by myself is a bit daunting. I'm going to really try and find someone to trick into coming along with me this year. XD Should be good fun.

I'm not sure why I'm so fixated on this weekend get-away. Has anyone ever done one? Was it successful?

My Fashion Sense is a Little Whack

I have noticed that I have an ever growing collection of solid color V-neck T-shirts in my closet. The lengths vary, depending on when I bought it and the trends at that particular time (and sometimes place). But they are all solid. They are all V-neck. Or polos. But those are V-neck and T-shirts, so I was including them.

Like my jeans. I'm finally switching it up a bit, but I used to wear just straight leg blue jeans. I now own a pair of black jeans, a pair of grey corduroy's (no clue how to wear those, help please!), and [collective gasp] a pair of skinny jeans. But for each of those, I have two pairs of straight leg blue jeans. And then some.

Or my shoes. Skate shoes. Vans, DC, Etnies. All colors, but they're all skate shoes. When they stopped making decent girl skate shoes, I turned to the guy styles. I've branched out, actually. I own Pumas. I know. Go me, right? Hold your applause.

I'm in college but I dress like a 12-year-old tomboy. I'm not quite sure what I'm missing here. I read the college fashion blogs. No seriously, I do. Stop laughing. Up until just a few months ago I got Seventeen and Teen Vogue. Stop laughing! I did all throughout high school. I go to Modcloth almost every day and just stare at the adorable finds. I pay attention to the trends, but when I try them on...I just feel foolish. Just the other day, I was downtown with a friend and we tried on those multi-colored kinda bubbly skirts that have been popular this summer. The ones with the big elastic bands that you tuck shirts into? Could not, for the life of me, figure out where I was supposed to let the thing be on me. Up at my waist made the skirt seem too short and my whole body out of proportion. At my hips was a tad too long and the torso was all weird then. Throw a flowy vest thing on top of it all and you just had a mess.

I'm not saying (nor thinking) there's anything wrong with how I dress. I always look cute and as put together as I'd like to be. My appearance doesn't make anyone back away in horror. But I look at the other kiddos on campus and I can see how dressing a little more, how shall I say, adult would be beneficial. Or just simply accessorizing. Wearing earrings every once in a while. I mean, I got my ears pierced before I was 10. You'd think wearing earrings would come naturally to me. Or a scarf. Scarves! Apparently they can totally pull an outfit together. And they're so easy! You just wrap it around your neck! But I always put the thin ones too loose and the fluffy ones too tight and they always end up looking wrong. I also think know I look adorable in fedoras and newsboy caps. But I own none. Why? It just doesn't seem suitable. Doesn't seem economical. It's a hat. You only wear it outside and it doesn't serve any purpose.

So maybe my fashion sense is a little whack. But I have two more years of college to figure it out. And after that, it'll be all work clothes so anything I wear normally is out anyway.

Amen

My family attends races three times a week. Each race track has two invocations a day. One during the driver's meeting and one before the national anthem. I stand and bow my head, mutter "Amen" under my breath, and move on, never paying too much attention. I'm just being respectful.

But something irked me this weekend. At one of the tracks, the person leading the prayer asked that God please bless America, this good Christian nation. He placed emphasis on the last three words, saying them like each word made up a sentence. I heard it first during the driver's meeting. I wrote it off - oh, he's just being overzealous, he'll say something else, something more politically correct, when he's speaking to all in attendance.

Nope. Did it again. Same phrasing, same emphasis. It bothers me because this nation has no official religion. Legally. What if there were Jews at the race? Or Buddhists? Or Hindus? Or Muslims? Or, for that matter, a member of any established religion outside of Christianity? Do they feel excluded from the nation? I did. And I'm still figuring out what I believe. I'd be even more upset if I felt I belonged to a religion.

I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. This person doesn't usually offer the invocation, so he was probably nervous. It probably just slipped out, and he probably meant it with the best intentions. Blessings for the country aren't a bad thing and that's what it boils down to. It doesn't make what he said right, but I shouldn't be mad at him for saying it.

What would your reaction be if you heard someone saying that? I realize a lot of readers don't hear invocations that often, whereas in my life they're heard 2 times a day 3 days a week all summer, so the thought of an invocation is kind of strange itself. I'd like your opinion on that as well if you choose to offer it.

Race/Ethnicity/Something/Nothing

This all started with thinking about race. I decided there is no such thing as different races, but there are many ethnicities. Ethnicity is determined on a personal basis, often influenced most by culture. And yes, you can be many ethnicities or just one or you can even have none.

So that's the short version of my "thinking time" from earlier today. If you're interested in further explanation, feel free to ask. But I just had to push myself some more. See, I don't think I have an ethnicity. People look at me and think I'm your typical American high school student. Close, but I am in college, and...that's not my ethnicity. It's my citizenship. But is American an ethnicity? America was based on the coming together (and sometimes clash, even today) of cultures and ethnicities. So how does that create an ethnicity? I'm not sure it does.

I grew up in a reasonably ethnically diverse area (economically not at all). One of my college friends introduces me to others by saying, "This is her first group of all white friends. She hung out with Asian kids in high school." I did. And some Indian and some Caucasian and some mixed. I was able to sample many different cultures just by going to my friends' houses. It's how I became enamored with steamed dumplings (J, send my compliments to your mom again please). I had so many different ethnicities influencing me when I was young that I never stopped to consider what anyone was. People just existed. When I moved to a far less diverse area (though still amazingly diverse for this particular state), I became insanely aware of the differences in ethnicities. The influence certain cultures can have on people. Suddenly, I was noticing all these differences and how they divided people and it scared me. Was my ignorance bliss? Was this state and state of mind turning me racist? Trying to ignore unspoken boundaries certainly made it difficult to make friends.

When I tried to identify my own ethnicity, I began to wonder about the ethnicity of my friends. Do my Chinese-American friends consider themselves to be Chinese or American or both? But then I'm starting to sound like I'm talking about citizenship again. Maybe ethnicity is tied into citizenship. I can't imagine considering myself to be Canadian until I became a citizen, even though I already fit the stereotypical Canadian profile (if only I could nail the accent...). My friend, B, recently became a US citizen. She said she was American. I asked, "Yeah, but what does that mean?" She shrugged. It was just a convenience. She could vote now. It was far easier to manage her life.

I call myself an egg - white on the outside, yellow on the inside - and that's the best I define myself. So are my friends bananas? But that, or Twinkie, has always had a more negative connotation. And now I'm wondering why, if I can't even define myself, am I trying to define my friends. I certainly wouldn't be terribly pleased if I were in their shoes.

So then, what is ethnicity even? Is it just my way to sound, well, not racist? But if I don't care what race/ethnicity/culture people are, why am I trying to hard to define it? I feel like if I know what ethnicity I am, I'll have this huge epiphany and it'll be all, "Oh, that's why I am how I am." But I know why I am how I am. I just kind of told you guys - when I was younger I experienced a lot of different cultures. It was filtered, true, but I was still exposed and I took a lot from that. Maybe I am confusing culture for ethnicity. But still, for some reason I can't just accept that. I don't believe it. Culture seems like a way of doing things, a list of interests. Ethnicity includes culture and language and history. It is inherently more than just culture. So I'm a combination of cultures. Got it. So what's my ethnicity?

You know what I just thought of? I know my political science books had a lot to say about this. I'm really pissed I sold them now. That'd solve all my problems.

Poor Poor Laptop

I think I'm killing my laptop.

It's an early 2008 MBP. Right before the unibody. It's a solid laptop. Only been two years since I got it, so it should be in it's prime, right?

No. I'm bad. I treat my laptops like people treat their PCs. Within a month of having it, the laptop was partitioned and I installed Steam and played my way through Portal and half of HL2. I later installed some software for my cell phone along with Spore. Beyond that, I left the Windows XP side alone. On the OSX portion, I have 4 different browsers, Steam, Sims 3, 3 different IM clients, Microsoft Office, roughly 10gb of music (I know, it's small, send me more music plz), and too many images and word files to count. For Christmas, I simply asked for a new battery because the old one wasn't holding a charge too well. I use my laptop a lot.

About every month I have to do a SMC reset and I'm sure that's not doing any good either. My guess is I'm generating too much heat by playing games. I'm thinking I need to do a fresh install of the operating system and delete the Windows partition (since Steam is on Mac now). But, you know, to do that I'd need to transfer my files to another computer for safe keeping. So I'm either going to have some fun with the unused computer in the basement or buy myself an external hard drive and go to town. The latter is the more sure method, but the former seems like a good challenge.

So, I dunno. This is kind of an uncharted area for me. I fix small things for my computer inept mother. Like plugging in wires that came loose or making sure whatever program is up to date. I sat and watched as my laptop was partitioned and data from my old laptop was transferred to this one. But I've done some research. I grasp the general concept. I think I can accomplish my goal by myself, but any advice from the more technically inclined would be appreciated. It's only a half step away from life support as it is.

Hello Seattle

It's not just am amazing song by Owl City (have you heard the remix? indulge). It's a city on the West Coast. And I'm a bit obsessed with it right now. Both the remix and the city.

I guess "right now" isn't the best way to put it. I've always liked the Northwest. Portland is amazing. The Sierras are wonderful. Vancouver loves me and wants me to become Canadian. The city told me so. It cried when I left. I love driving north on the 5. Screw south. But I've never been able to make it to Seattle. I've been in Washington. The closest I've come is Puyallup - about 40 minutes south of the desired city.

I like Seattle because I have this idealized image of what it'd be like. I imagine it to be Vancouver and San Jose rolled into one. Seattle's got it all. A kickin' underground scene. Teeming with young, hip, smart recent college grads. Fast-paced, but surrounded by so so so much wilderness that slowing down isn't difficult at all. Or living adventurously. There's skiing and whitewater rafting and there's the freaking ocean right there and there's hiking and biking and everything! Seattle has the rest of the tech companies that aren't based in the Silicon Valley. It has a decent sized tourism industry. The only thing Seattle doesn't have is a hockey team. But I'm okay with that. I'll travel 2.5 hours north to see some hockey. I'd have to bring my passport, but sure, I'll do it. Seattle is the closest thing to perfect for me that there ever will be. And I hear the weather isn't actually as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

As far as job opportunities go, there's one major newspaper based in Seattle, plus a handful of minor ones. The schools in the surrounding cities/suburbs are rather impressive and it seems like jobs would be plentiful. So no worries there.

This place just calls to me. I mean, okay, so Vancouver really calls to me too. But Seattle's right there. And it's got all the benefits of Vancouver but I don't have to deal with, you know, that minor issue of citizenship. I am serious you guys, that city and I are going to have to get married and I'm going to become Canadian for it. But if I live in Seattle...! I don't have to worry about how will I find a job or how do I get a work visa or how do I decide if one city is worth becoming a citizen of a different country. I can just have a fling on the side every weekend with Vancouver. Seattle doesn't have to know.

So where's your perfect city?

Webcomics

I read webcomics. There. I said it.

I've only admitted to reading webcomics to a few people. Only one of them also reads webcomics. The rest are 4chan-ers (if you don't know about it, it's where all internet memes come from and, no, you really don't want to go there, just wait until the memes become popular on the normal internetz), so I don't have anything to be ashamed of compared to them.

I'm not really sure how it happened. Nor do I remember what the first webcomic I read was. I'd been linked to xkcd plenty of times before, but I didn't follow it. I'd seen a few others (Penny Arcade comes to mind), but not much interest in them.

I think Sinfest is the only webcomic that's really stuck with me. It's been at least 4 years since I started following this webcomic and I've never gotten sick of it. There hasn't been a storyline that I didn't like. Despite the name, I assure you it's totally safe for work 100% of the time, and is really quite far from being sinful. It's completely adorable.

My current favorite is Girl Genius. It's heavily influenced by Steampunk and has a great storyline. The characters are hysterical. Well-written and well-drawn (do you know how difficult it is to find that combination?), this comic is so addicting that I devoured the archives in two days.

Surviving the World is such an entertaining concept. Even though it's not exactly what one would consider a conventional webcomic, it's a site I think is worthy of sharing. It's not always funny, but it's certainly always educational. We're learning how to survive the world, after all. There's also recitation on Fridays, where readers can submit questions for answering. It's a nice gesture and a way to get people interacting in a way that not many other webcomics do.

So there. I read webcomics. In addition to checking my blogs and news sties every morning over breakfast, I check these comics. Think you have a webcomic that I absolutely need to read? Let me know. And if you want more, I've got a list of about 10 more for you.

I Must be Dreaming

I've done a dream post before and most people know my tendency to have strange and unrealistic dreams. But last week I had realistic dreams. Dreams where everything is status quo. Location matches with the correct group of people. Those people act and react as they should. No video game characters enter the real world, nor do I enter their's. No one dies.

I've decided I much prefer my unrealistic dreams. These realistic dreams make me think too much. I'll wake up and have to sit there for a minute and collect myself. I'm at home, I'm in my bed, it didn't actually happen, it was just a dream. Now, that's not to say I don't enjoy these dreams. I do. They're fun and rather lighthearted. My dreams feature people I haven't seen in a while, so it's nice to have that connection to them, even if it's just my subconscious.

But in some way, it's like all my fears are unlocked in these dreams. Any fleeting thought becomes the focus. That old friend I lost touch with that I happened to think about briefly now plays a major role. That stupid crush from high school makes an appearance, complications and confusion ensue. I'm used to these people playing minor roles with one line, or maybe even none, in a brief scene in my dream. I'm not used to realistic reunions at normal places like malls. My dreams have a flair for the dramatic. Things should have went down at a castle. I'm not used to people being themselves in my dreams. They usually mold to what I want, my ideal for them. That's the whole point of dreams, right? Dreams are crazy and they wouldn't actually happen in the real world. They're just manifestations of what you want. It's what makes them dreams.

So what I want most is for people to be themselves? It's true for a few people in my life, but they are not the people featured in the dreams. The people in my dreams are ones I have slipped out of contact with. So what I want is to get back in contact with them? Eh. No. I'm sure a chance meeting with any person in my dreams wouldn't be a bad thing, but it's not something I'd actively seek.

What's the deal, subconscious? Are the unrealistic dreams just not fun enough anymore? Because I really like them. Give them back.

Where in the World?

The only computer game I remember playing as a kid was Carmen Sandiego. And her last name always bothered me. San. Diego. Not one word. Two words. But it was always fun because even though they sent you limited places and you got silly cartoony stereotypical touristy pictures of the locations, it really inspired me to learn more about other places.

Remember Encyclopedia Britannica? Remember how incredibly slow it was? How long it took to load anything? I spent a good amount of time on that just reading about places to go. I'd make lists of places I wanted to when I was X age. 13. 16. 18. 21. 30. I'm stuck at 30 now. I'm fairly certain that if I let myself go any higher, I won't go anywhere until I'm retired. And while spending my retired years travelling (damnit I'm British sometimes, leave me alone) the world with a small group of friends or my SO sounds absolutely wonderful, I don't want to wait that long. I also fear by then all I will want to do is take tours. I won't want to plan everything myself and I won't have the energy to.

I'll exclude my list of things to do/places to go in the US (NYC ball drop, D.C., Grand Canyon to name the top 3) and jump straight to everything foreign.

I will ski on three continents. North America can count, but I only count foreign countries. So Canada's one. I've been promised Whistler (where the Vancouver Olympics just were) since I was 12. It. Will. Happen. I've also decided I need to spend 5+ days in Vancouver. It's too pretty of a city for me to be satisfied with merely passing through. Maybe I should just stay there until I can say sorry with a Canadian accent. I swear, they add an h or a w in there and it makes a world of difference. (I should add "Canadian accent" to the list of bonuses for a guy, huh?)

I'm going to backpack Europe. It will take at least 2 weeks. Must see cities are Amsterdam, Rome (with side trip to Pompeii (so I guess that means Naples too)), Paris, London, Barcelona. Oh, and I'm skiing the Swiss Alps. So whatever city gets that task done. Those are just the musts. Extras...Torino. But I figure if I'm skiing the Swiss Alps, what's a tiny side trip to the 06 Olympics host city? And Nice - heard it's super pretty and has good food. Venice. Okay! Moving on!

I will go back to Delos and fully explore the island and ruins.

Japan. Yes, I want to go to Tokyo and Kyoto and Hiroshima and Nagano (and there's the third continent!), but I also want a local to take me around their hometown and go to temples and shrines and parks that aren't on the top 10 lists of temples and shrines and parks to visit in Japan. I want to walk down streets where I'm the only foreigner while having a conversation in my broken Japanese with a friend. I don't have a desire to know other countries in this way.

Sydney has an unexplainable appeal to me. It just seems like it would be a nice city to visit for a relaxing vacation where you don't really do much. Spend a week, week and a half, just in the city, visiting beaches, wandering around malls. Of course you'd have to do some touristy things, but with a week and a half, there's plenty of time. If the season's right, hop on over to Thredbo and get a 4th continent.

I also want to go to China and India and Indonesia, but I haven't given too much thought to the trips yet.

There's just so much of the world out there and I'll never be able to understand or reach it all and, for some reason, that leaves me unsettled. I want to have a better understanding of the global society than I do right now. But I'm afraid that if I don't try and understand the world when I am young, I will lose the desire to understand it when I am older. I need to feed my desire to travel to keep it burning.

Anyone looking for a travel partner?

Just Shoot Me: Bonus Level!

I considered many different ways to talk about this topic. In one way I went into a lot of detail about myself and gaming. It's fun and it'll give you insight to who I am as a gamer, so I want to post it anyway. Some things have been deleted because they were too repetitive thus eliminating any flow. Sorry. Deal with it.

I love criticizing the PS3. I talked excitedly with a classmate about Bioshock 2, despite never playing Bioshock and really only learning about the game the week before the sequel was released.

I don't actually own a gaming system, only stole my family's unused Wii. I've slowly worked my way to the TP Water Temple on that system, though I'm past the Temple of Time in the GC version. I've played all the Mario Karts, but Double Dash remains my favorite and it kills me I can't play it on a weekly basis. I played Guitar Hero and DDR a few times freshman year, as well as almost worked my way through the first Halo campaign on Heroic (had a weird dream with 343 Guilty Spark and GLaDOS, stopped playing). A friend brought over his PS2 and I played my way through half of Okami. I also played Spore (to Space Phase), 25% of Half-Life 2 (without playing the first) and perhaps 15% of Fallout 3 (again, without playing the others). That was the height of my gaming career.

I go on these week long gaming sprees where I wake up early and go to sleep late to play further in X-game, but what happens after the week? You tell me - I don't know how any of the games go after 10 play hours. Since Portal can easily be beaten in under 10 hours, it is the only game I believe I have completed. Even Pokemon games on the Game Boy - I never finished them. I still have my Red version, saved right before the last battle because I was so freaking attached to my Venusaur, I couldn't bear to lose him. He's been transfered to Silver and possibly to Ruby. I did the same with my Dragonite. Both were in their 70s without rare candies or additional training when I transferred them. Probably in their 80s now, if not maxed out. Go me.

I'm a major liability to have on Live.

I can talk the talk, but I can't walk the walk. But I never claimed I could.

Should we just stick to playing Guitar Hero while never being able to master that orange button? Should we stay with our Animal Crossings and Sims and Maplestories? Or should we beat all the Halos and CODs and Gears of Wars on their most difficult levels? Should we be able to survive Through the Fire and the Flames? You tell me.

Just Shoot Me

I am a casual gamer. Casual. I don't actually own a system and I honest-to-God prefer to watch others play video games than play one myself. I keep up with the gaming world extremely well simply because it interests me. I can tell you almost anything you want to know about Natal/Kinect, but have no desire to understand the technology that makes it all possible. You may call me a poser. I'm just being me.

I have a friend who is very good at Smash. Any. She prefers to use a GC controller when playing on the Wii, but is perfectly happy without one. She does not venture too far beyond Smash. She's played a few Final Fantasy's and has a nearly unhealthy obsession with Link (and subsequently the Legend of Zelda games). She also kicks butt at Mario Kart. She has played Halo a few times, but does not much care for it, nor is she particularly good. Those who see her playing Smash might call her a serious gamer. She's just being her.

One thing we've noticed recently is how guys react when they learn you have an interest in video games. It starts with the "challenge face." The look that sizes you up and decides that if you lose whatever game they challenge you to, you're just a fake, but if you win, it's barely recognized. If you win (probably by luck, according to them) and are accepted into the group, that is all you are - part of the group. You are not a girl for dating. You are a gaming buddy. My experience is only slightly different because instead of accepting the challenge, I backpedal and say, honestly, that I am no good at games. This is often perceived as modesty.

I assure you it's not. I can barely keep a positive score on Smash, I just walk right off the edge. I'm lucky to get 3 kills in slayer, even if I've got the only plasma sword on the map. I tried playing Gears of War in co-op - couldn't figure out how to duck behind something and then get up and jump over it for AT LEAST 10 minutes. No freaking joke. Broke out the little handbook they give you and still couldn't get it. But because I have an interest, the skill is assumed. My friend doesn't care what system you have. She'd rather game on the N64 than check the amazing graphics in the latest Forza/Blur/Need for Speed game on your PS3. Even though she really enjoys Goldeneye, she didn't even care when I told her (weeks late, I might add) that they were remaking it. But because my friend has a skill, the interest is assumed.

I'm sure all gamer guys will say one of the things they want in a girl is to be themselves. Well, my friend is very frustrated because being herself is getting her stuck on the friend ladder. I'm not complaining for now. Give me half a year and I'm sure I'll be right with her. Being an average gamer girl doesn't work. We have to be Olivia Munn or Felicia Day to warrant some attention, some recognition. I guess what I'm asking is that gamer guys remember that gamer girls are girls, not just another one of the guys. Please. So my friend doesn't rant about this in another two months.