It's been a while since I had to hold my tongue in Comparative Politics. I usually don't mind speaking up, but right now I really really really am struggling to not jump out of my seat yelling about the failures of the US promoting democracy.
She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.
I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.
I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.
Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.
Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.
2.25.2010
2.10.2010
Failure
There are some days when you look at the people around you and you think you haven't done much with your life. I'm having one of those days.
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
2.09.2010
Crush
I've been struggling with this post for a long time, but I'm just going to write it and get it out there and whoever reacts to it can react to it. For about the past year I've had a crush on someone, even though I'm in a relationship. I'm told this is natural, but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think telling K would make me feel any better, because I am sure he does not have a crush of his own. Maybe it's my certainty that he does not experience the same problem that makes me feel so guilty about it.
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
2.06.2010
"Come home. The house is on fire."
Those are the first lines of an article in Skiing Magazine about a skier's house catching on fire. The author (and the author's wife) had time to go in and get things because the firefighters brought the fire under control. She got her passport and grandmother's jewelry. He got his passport, hard drive and ski boots.
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
2.01.2010
Just for Men!
Centrum commercials need to be banned from the airwaves. Their "Just for Men" campaign is driving me crazy. Duct tape is just for men. Razors are just for men. Wrenches are just for men. Recliners are just for men.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Sweatshirt
I have a lot of hoodies. And now, more recently, I've been acquiring a lot of jackets. But there is one sweatshirt that I will never part with, and I just realized why.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
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