I'm in Utah, skiing with my dad. We flew out yesterday morning and skied the second half of the day at Park City, where the Olympics were held once upon a time. It felt good to get out on the snow again. But I'd been up since 2:30am Utah time. And now it was 7pm. Oh, did I mention I only got 2 hours of sleep the night before? Yeah, whoops. I was tired. I slept through two text messages and a phone call. Usually even the slightest noise from my cell phone wakes me up.
I woke up this morning after sleeping almost 12 hours to a phone call. It was R, calling to tell me our roommate, K, was dead. I'd heard about people's roommates committing suicide and the university letting them get an automatic pass for the semester. I wondered if they extended that to everyone, or if you had to live in the dorms to get that applied to you. The apartments where I live are half university, I just live in the non-university half. That was my first thought. The second was speculation about how she died, which was enforced as R went on, and confirmed later when I learned the exact details of her death.
So I've been in a bit of shock. I've cried a little bit. I don't think I ever hit the denial really. I wondered if it might have been R playing a cruel joke - that was one of those early thoughts - but she wouldn't do that. I've been angry at the circumstances surrounding the death. Mainly, I just wonder why. I can't bargain, but that's okay, the Kubler-Ross model says you only need to go through two. Of the five, that leaves depression and acceptance. I think I'll be depressed when I return to the apartment - we shared a side, after all, and it'll be weird not smelling her cooking all the time. Acceptance will come after that. But I think I'm pretty okay, considering, you know? My dad was out of the room when I got the call, doing business stuff, so I called him and asked him to come back to the room, which he did. We were a little late getting to the ski resort today, but not so much that we didn't have time to hit all the runs. Called my mom, who was at the airport on her way to her sorority sister's memorial (Dad's aunt died recently too, so there's the three, in case you follow that rule).
It's weird. So many thoughts kind of run through my head, like what are we going to do about her room at the apartment, but they just flow right out. When I mentioned earlier in the post that we shared a side I thought that I'd have to get a shower curtain since we one we have was her's. I don't want to deal with these thoughts right now, but they're thoughts that seem harmless to say, they have no bad consequence, and it's hard to keep them in. But I don't want to spoil this vacation for my dad - he hasn't been skiing for 3 years, and he loves skiing. He asked if I wanted to go home, or go to the nearest airport to where she lives. How could I do that to him? On one hand, I'd like to go be around friends who knew her and celebrate her life, but on the other, I think I would be an invader - I only met her at the beginning of the school year and we only developed a friendship this semester. I'll go to the funeral or memorial, certainly, once arrangements have been made. I have a couple of people keeping me in the loop.
Skiing's been great, actually. The place where we skied today doesn't allow snowboarders, which I didn't think I'd enjoy, but I did. Instead of all these people falling all over the place, it was mainly just little kids. And you can easily avoid them b/c they're small! (I've been making mad jokes all day, forgive me, I think it's a coping thing.) We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. Estimates range from 6 inches to a foot. The storm is just hovering over the city, the mountains are probably getting snow by now. You can see them from the window of the hotel. It's funny - we stayed at this hotel when we moved out to IN from CA. Dad just booked it and when we pulled off the highway and looked around it was like....wait a second...I remember that KFC.
True story - went to a Walmart with a parking garage. Check Facebook for pics later on in the week if you don't believe it. I'll have the typical pose at the top of the mountain and take a picture ones too.
3.29.2010
3.24.2010
Anger
Rargh. I had a pissy post about why relationships, no matter what kind, suck and the various ways in which they suck but then I realized that I'm just grumpy because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Take that in whatever way you please. I'm not spilling all the beans here.
What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?
At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.
I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.
And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...
If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.
What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?
At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.
I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.
And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...
If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.
3.04.2010
Skiing
I started skiing when I was 3 years old. That could be true. I'm not sure when I started skiing exactly. I just remember that Dad always said he pulled me out of the ski school at Squaw to teach me to ski because apparently they weren't doing it right.
So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.
I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.
I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.
So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.
My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.
I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.
So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.
I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.
I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.
So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.
My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.
I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.
3.02.2010
Summer
Last summer was a total failure for me, and this summer is shaping up to be much the same. I don't think I'm going to Japan. It's mostly my fault, but I still hold that the professor did not let me know he was actually running the program this semester like I asked until less than a week before the application deadline. And that's really not long enough to get a letter of recommendation. Especially from a Japanese professor b/c you have to be all formal about it.
Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.
"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.
"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.
So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.
Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.
So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.
Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.
"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.
"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.
So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.
Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.
So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.
3.01.2010
Creative Writing
I might have mentioned that I'm taking a creative writing class. If I haven't, I've surely meant to and I've certainly enjoyed it.
Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.
I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.
My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.
Uh. What?
Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.
I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.
My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.
Uh. What?
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