Ghosts and Dreams

I am one of those people who doesn't normally have realistic dreams. I have these weird dreams about wars that start out as just some teens messing around with nerf guns and bows with fake arrows that turn into elaborate schemes to get me to stay in dreamworld. Or dreams where I'm a tomb raider who runs into a Pokemon smuggling ring with a Yoshi who helps me rescue them. Or a Men in Black training camp that gets invaded by a grandmotherly alien handing out Mickey Mouse lollipops. Sometimes I'll have dreams that start and end in the real world, but all the action takes place in a video game. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where I go over to a friend's house to play video games only to get sucked into that video game and spit out just before it's time for my mom to take me home.

Yeah, I know. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm crazy.

So a relatively normal dream is welcome every once in a while. Dreams about me going back to California and spending time with friends. Or graduating from college. Or going to a party. And nothing abnormal happens. No wars break out, no one tries to trick me into staying in the dreamworld, there are no Pokemon or video game characters. Now, I'm not saying that these dreams are realistic. People don't act quite like they should and every once in a while there will be someone from Indiana in a Missouri dream. Or this one, where I have three from Missouri and a ghost in a California dream.

I don't mean ghost in the typical sense, I mean a ghost from my past. This person is very much alive in the dream and in real life. But I don't talk to them anymore. They have no business being in my dream and they don't quite fit with the rest of the characters. Yet, the ghost was still in my dream.

I was going to tell the dream here but it's too difficult without giving away identities. Plus I can't tell dreams in one straight shot, I need people questioning me for details otherwise I leave stuff out. Just know this: I've got this ghost floating around in my head all because of this stupid dream and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know of a way please let me know.

Skeleton Keys

This is how my thought process works.

Boy: "So then they stick the skeleton key in..."
Girl: "Ew, stop, I don't like scary movies."

I think skeleton key. Oh, Mario Party item. Now what did it do? Oh yeah, reach a door and it unlocks it. But they were talking about sticking a key in someone. How's that for bad innuendo? Heh, I'll stick my skeleton key in you baby, unlock your...wait a minute. Stick a key in someone...unlock their death...CABOOSE! "Or...maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick it in someone...it unlocks their death!"

So now I'm thinking about Caboose and giggling my ass off, wanting so badly to play Halo.

Yeah. I think I might know what Caboose's world is like. I have fun here too. XD

I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking

That's one of the few lines I can understand in my new favorite song. Video can be found here for The Kooks' song Naive.

But I really did have more reason to pick that title. K is a good boyfriend in that he knows that I don't like asking. It doesn't matter what it is really. I don't like asking him to pay for me (we do this thing where generally I buy if he's at Mizzou, he buys if I'm at Purdue but sometimes I forget and I say I'll pay him back and I'm not really sure if I actually do...). I don't like asking for a hug unless I have a reason. But it applies in a broader sense too. I don't like asking for extra dressing to go with my order. In fact, I can barely order at restaurants because I dislike asking people to get food for me. And that's the waiter's job!

K surprised me by sending me my favorite chocolates. It's kinda ironic that he did now because I was going to bring some back for him when I go to CA for Thanksgiving...so that would be next week. Haha, talk about bad timing. It's ok, I'll just have to figure something else to get him. I'm really looking forward to going back actually. I get to spend time with my favorite cousins and the rest of the family. I'm not too sure who all is going to be there, but it's sounding like it'll be a big family reunion of sorts so that'll be fun.

Getting back on topic, I guess the asking thing depends on if I'm asking for something or just asking a general question. Because I can ask questions. I question nearly everything. I'm really good at that. Or am I? Recently I've had a few questions floating around in my head that I'd like answered, but I don't think I can ask them because of the possible consequences they might have. So what do I do? Do I keep waiting until I forget them? Or do I plunge right in and deal with the aftermath that I create?

"Just don't let me down." I wish it were simple. Yes is good, no is bad. The way these questions tend to be, either answer is at least partially bad, neither really stands out as the wrong answer, the answer that would let me down. Maybe I'll wait until each person I have a question for approaches me with one of their own. That seems safe. It also seems unlikely that I'll ever ask my questions.

The One

This has been something that has been in the back of my head since I started college and it's about damn time I got it out.

I don't have a best friend anymore.

I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?

I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.

I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.

I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.

Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.

In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.

I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.

Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...

Rugby 5

Our last game of the season was this Saturday against Truman State. It was a home game, so that was nice, we had a bit of an advantage, and a lot of people and friends came out to see us play. My brother and dad came down to watch as did two of my apartment-mates and some of their friends/family. Needless to say, I had a big crowd there to cheer me (and of course the team) on.

So you can imagine my disappointment when I don't go in the first half.

Or the second.

I look around and I'm one of two people who hasn't gone in. I pull the other girl off to the side and ask her when she thinks we'll go in - this is unusual, switches regarding the back line always happen at half (or if someone gets hurt). She shrugs and seems rather nonchalant about it. But I'm pissed. I have 6+ people here just to see me play. Yes, that sounds selfish, but half of those drove 6 hours and got a hotel room at an inflated rate (or got poor sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sorry K!) and dragged their butts out in semi-cold weather at 11am to see me. Let. Me. Play.

We scored a try not more than 5 minutes into a 30 minute half (rugby halves are usually 40 minutes long, I'm not sure why we only played 30) so I ran out onto the field to give people water. One of our captains sees me and asks if I've gone in. I shake my head no and continue handing out water. She notices the other girl who hasn't gone in yet and asks the same question. She must have received pretty much the same answer because that's when I hear a rather loud "That's bullshit!" I turn around, slightly concerned, going to tell her it's ok, I'm sure I'll play a bit later, but she's already almost face to face with our coaches.

I think I might have a new favorite person on the team. XD

I finish my water-girl duties (giving water to teammates on the field pretty much falls on the rookies who aren't playing that half) and the second I get off the pitch (field) the back line coach tells me to replace someone. She doesn't look happy about this. Come to think of it, she really hasn't spoken to me much the past two weeks which isn't a good sign (I have no clue what I did, I swear). But whatever, I go out on the field to replace one of the wings.

I get the ball three times. Though I don't assist any tries, each one is a solid carry before getting tackled (okay, more like thrown to the ground, my body is pretty sore still). That means I didn't pass the ball, I just got it and well...went forward with it. I didn't break through their defense, but I moved the ball forward and didn't make us lose control of the ball anytime. Well, ok, the ref called me for hands in the ruck, which means I put my hands on the ball again after I let go of it but I didn't think I had really let go of it yet sooo....whatever. One of the vets came over and said that was a bogus call so that made me feel better about what I already thought.

We won the game. I finally got the hang of what I was supposed to be doing. It was a really great way to end the season. I kinda wish we had one more game, or maybe another week of practice, because I think that we would be really productive coming off of a win like that, where everything just seemed to click. But oh well! Time to turn into a vegetable again! XD Not really. This has inspired me to be more active so I'm going to try and run more and stuffs like that. Which will help me stay in shape for rugby in the spring, yeah, but it does nothing to help my skills which is my issue (read: cannot tackle to save her life). Any volunteers to be my practice opponent? I promise it doesn't hurt too much after the 3rd or 4th time... =D

How do you like them apples?

So we finally started talking about illegal immigration today in Journalism. It's really easy to see who is from the border states, particularly Texas and California, compared to the inner states. I'm really tempted to just raise my hand and ask how many people like strawberries. Would they like to keep purchasing strawberries for reasonable prices? They're already kind of expensive. Imagine doubling that. At least. Now think about any other fruit you might obtain from any Southwestern or Western state.

Wanna get rid of those illegals now?

You're Leaving?

That's what everyone says to me when they hear. It doesn't matter if we're good friends or teammates or just a random bunch of people stuck together for a group project.

Then they say what I want to do is great. Which I appreciate. I can hear that they mean it. They respect my decision and don't think I'm someone who can't make up their mind, as I sometimes find myself thinking.

But the first thing they say. You're leaving? How could I leave Mizzou? One of the best journalism programs, probably the best public journalism program. An amazing Japanese program that I've learned to love with all my heart. How could I leave?

It's going to be so difficult. I love my classmates, especially in Japanese related courses. M and C crack me up every lit class. T is a lifesaver on quizzes. Another T keeps the mood light on rough days in language. M is always kind and able to give advice when it comes to journalism. D is a little firecracker. B and D (both Ds actually) are a bit odd, but always willing to fill me in if I miss a class. A and T provide eye candy on dull days and have such enjoyable and friendly personalities that you just want to always hang out with them.

I wonder what I am to them. This girl who isn't so great at the language, but understands the culture and literature fairly well. I'm shy in language, but I don't hesitate to speak up in any other class. I can crack jokes on the spot with C and A about the two people towards the front of the class in lit, but if you put a story in Japanese in front of me it'll take me twice as long as the rest of the class to read it. Despite all this, I feel like I fit in. I know I do. We created a family. I don't know how I'll leave.

And next year...there was so much to look forward to.

I would have many shared classes with B who would be returning from a year in Japan. We only met last semester, but I think we became decent friends. Next year we would both be in Japanese 4!
I would get into my sequence for photojournalism and finally start working for the Missourian!
I would actually matter and find my place on staff.
I would begin to make a name for myself as a sports photographer.
I would take writing and literature classes to start my English minor.
I would finally be getting what I want from college!

...how can I leave that?

I don't even know what I'll be walking into when I go to Ball State. What if they don't have a family? What if I lose mine? I'm not ready to do that.

But am I forgetting the whole reason I want to transfer? I want to teach. I want to be the English teacher I had in 10th grade. I want to challenge every other English teacher I had from 7th grade on. I want to make my Carmel Journalism and Japanese teachers proud I was their student. And if I stay at Mizzou I can't do that.

So...yeah. I guess I'm leaving.

Three's a Crowd

Warning: Long post ahead. It's a good one though. I think.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I want it to go after college. I'm not sure I really want to be a big time journalist. I really like the no-pressure environment of high school photography. I would be perfectly happy covering local news. I used to think that I couldn't be happy unless I was covering a big story. I don't think that matters anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd rather teach.

But I'm not giving up my Photojournalism degree to do so. Nor do I want to get rid of my Japanese degree. So the simple answer is to just add a teaching degree, right?

Wrong.

Education degrees are a pain in the ass. You have K-12 education degrees, elementary education degrees, secondary education degrees, special education degrees, counseling degrees. Not to mention subject specific degrees - English, History, Journalism, any foreign language you could imagine, any science, the list goes on.

So, as it is in my case, if you want to teach journalism or English or perhaps a foreign language you need a degree for Journalism Education and English/Language Arts Secondary Education and a Japanese Education degree. Oh, plus it would be a good idea to keep that Japanese major since you want to know about the culture too. Oh, and you might want to add an English major...the curriculum for the English Education degree gets you 80% there anyway. So that's already 5 majors. Do you really want to keep that journalism degree?

And that's where my dilemma starts. Well, no. Actually. Let me back up.

Mizzou only offers that English/Language Arts degree. It has nothing, not even recommendations, for what courses you should take if you want to teach Journalism or a foreign language. I don't think it's too much to ask that they provide something like that for students. Unless they just don't teach journalism or foreign languages at their high schools. When I spoke to an advisor in the Education department, she told me that I could receive accreditation for teaching those subjects after I graduated. At the very least I would have to take (and pass) a test. I imagine it would include taking a few more courses through some government teaching instruction center.

So that's the first part of the dilemma. I can't get what I want at Mizzou. Even if I just did three majors - Photojournalism, Japanese, English/Language Arts Secondary Education - I would be staying in college for 5 years, at least. And then it would take me a while to get accredited in what I want. And even more time to get approved for teaching in other states (the advisor claims this isn't as hard as it sounds, that I just tell the college to recommend me for teaching in whatever state and it happens, but I seriously doubt that).

So to solve this dilemma I look to transfer. Ball State University is one of those "up and coming" colleges. I strongly considered it before finally deciding to attend Mizzou. Actually, no, that downplays it. I initially wanted to go there more than Mizzou. I loved the campus and how things worked there. It has a strong Journalism school and a great Education program (at least in Indiana) and, as an added bonus, has a Japanese major. In fact, you can even major in Japanese Education! The opportunities for major combinations are astounding to me! I could get a Photojournalism degree, a Journalism Education degree, an English/Language Arts Education degree, a Japanese Education degree and a Japanese degree! And since a few of those are rather related...it's not unreasonable to think I could do that in 5 (total) years.

But then I have to consider all of this on a larger scale. Not just the next few years, or until I graduate college, but my life overall. Do I want to be a photojournalist or do I want to be a teacher? Well, both. I think I'd like to work for a local newspaper until I'm ready to have kids (marriage is assumed somewhere along the line before that). When the kids are, let's say, 5 to 7 I think being a teacher is a good idea. But wouldn't it be better to just drop the photojournalism aspect and just teach? A large part of your career is establishing yourself. If I apply for a teaching job more than 10 years after I've graduated, despite the fact that I have a teaching degree, people will look at me and wonder what on earth makes me think I'm a good candidate. I have no experience. After 10 years. No one is gunna want to hire me.

So I think, after talking at length with family, I've finally reached the decision that I should drop my photojournalism degree but take as many photojournalism electives as possible. I'll get majors in Japanese Education, Journalism Education, and Secondary English Education. Probably an English minor and a Japanese major will go along with that. I hope to accomplish this all in 5 years with one summer abroad in Japan (b/c I want to, damn it).

And I will get these from Ball State.