I don't mind texting and IM and email and Facebook and all that stuff, but boy do I like talking to people face-to-face a lot better. You know that whole 70% of communication is non-verbal thing? I really get it.
About a month ago, a friend was telling me about her co-workers and I picked up that she might like one more than the others. It was something in the way she spoke about the co-worker. It seemed softer compared to how she spoke of the others. Her like for this co-worker was later confirmed. She decided she better not ever try and lie to me b/c I'd figure it out. We tested it. She picked 2 memories from her childhood and made up another and I picked the correct false memory. All three were very common memories - the false one was about a time she fell off her bike. Her voice got tighter when telling this. Her words more neatly formed.
It happens with my best friend too. We video chatted a few weeks ago and I could read her face. Yeah followed by an ellipsis just isn't the same as being able to see how the corners of the mouth turn down and the big sigh that accompanies the breathy yeah. A =/ isn't the same as seeing the look of slight pity and concern that creates wrinkles around the eyes and brow. It happened with my new roommate when I first met her. I mentioned that I have a rabbit and her entire face lit up. Eyes crinkled at the edges. I only asked permission to keep him in the apartment (in my room, in his cage nearly 24/7 b/c he hates the world) as a courtesy after that.
I like noticing these things. It's like hunting for clues and when you find them, you learn more about the person in question. And they will drop the same clues and you can recognize that and anticipate it in the future. Little secrets only you know. That little smirk, the head tilts, the fluctuations in the laugh. You notice how they talk to different people in different tones and how their mood will reflect in their interactions with the same people.
Something about me? When my heart beats faster, regardless of the reason, my eyes dart around a lot. It doesn't matter if it's just because I've exercised or nervous or what. I feel like I have to be more alert. I've tested myself to try and just keep my eyes focused on one thing. Can't. Doesn't work. And maybe this is a pretty common thing, but I don't think so. I asked my best friend what are some mannerisms that are uniquely me. She says it's sometimes hard to tell my emotions because I'm not an extremely expressive person. I say "okay" very monotone and instead of shrugging I will tilt my head to the side and back again while pulling my mouth in the same direction. I think I also shrug when I do that, but it's more subtle than other people.
I think I have a blind spot though. It's with people I am romantically interested in. I must, right? I never know what their body language means. I always second guess. I always assume I'm wrong. It's not just a gender thing, though I do admit I have more difficulty reading male friends than female friends. But say I'm hanging out with a guy friend. We aren't interested in each other. I can read his body language. He doesn't have to tell me how nervous he is about going to a new school or just how much he is looking forward to finally having weekends free to visit friends. I can read it on his face, in the way he sits in his chair. But I around the guy I am interested in? And I can't figure a damn thing out. It wasn't for lack of expressions - he's far more expressive than the one I'm just friends with. It was the fear of reading too much into his tone and expression. I don't want to screw things up by over-thinking, over-observing. I don't think it's working.
8.31.2010
8.30.2010
Proper Posture
I stand funny. I do. Look at how I stand sometime. It's awesome.
It starts with the feet. My right foot points forward, my left foot points to the left. It's the standard ice skating starting and ending position, called a T-stop because you form a T. I've had people ask if I'm a dancer based on that alone. It's habit. I can't stop it.
The way my feet are make it easy to stick the right hip out. My hand will often rest somewhere between my waist and the top of my hip on the right side. I look like a girl with attitude. I'm not trying to be. It's the way the feet are, I swear. Try standing up straight with the feet that way. Then stick the hip out. Much better, huh? That left leg gets some slack and even more attitude is added to the whole pose.
Then we get to the upper body. I lean to the left. I do. It's natural. In quarter midgets, the Gs would push us (in particular our necks) to the outside, to the right. To counteract this we'd kind of slouch and lean to the left, so our heads would be sticking out the side instead of looking out the front. I sit this way in my car too. It's terrible. Once I settle in for a long drive, I'm practically facing away from the passenger seat, slouched down so I can see maybe 3/4ths of what I could before, head flopped over to the left. Guests ask if I'm tired. I'm not tired. Tired position is when I'm leaning over the steering wheel. Relaxed, comfortable, in control position is racing position. It just transfers into my normal stance too.
My head makes me look confused, I think. Tilted to the left. I'm sure people just think it means I'm listening, but I feel like it's super awkward. I usually don't have a smile on my face, but lately I've found it difficult to keep from allowing at least a smirk to cross.
All this adds up to me preferring people be on my left. Which is fine because I find a lot of people prefer to have me on their right. But it just makes me wonder what you can tell about a person by the way they stand. I'm sure there are sites out there that say if someone stands with their shoulders even it means they are self-assured or if their hands are at their sides instead of crossed or in their pockets it means they are open, but I mean the real stance. The ice skating and racing influenced one. The ashamed of your height slouch. The shy and unsure shoulder hunch. The one that tells a story about you.
It starts with the feet. My right foot points forward, my left foot points to the left. It's the standard ice skating starting and ending position, called a T-stop because you form a T. I've had people ask if I'm a dancer based on that alone. It's habit. I can't stop it.
The way my feet are make it easy to stick the right hip out. My hand will often rest somewhere between my waist and the top of my hip on the right side. I look like a girl with attitude. I'm not trying to be. It's the way the feet are, I swear. Try standing up straight with the feet that way. Then stick the hip out. Much better, huh? That left leg gets some slack and even more attitude is added to the whole pose.
Then we get to the upper body. I lean to the left. I do. It's natural. In quarter midgets, the Gs would push us (in particular our necks) to the outside, to the right. To counteract this we'd kind of slouch and lean to the left, so our heads would be sticking out the side instead of looking out the front. I sit this way in my car too. It's terrible. Once I settle in for a long drive, I'm practically facing away from the passenger seat, slouched down so I can see maybe 3/4ths of what I could before, head flopped over to the left. Guests ask if I'm tired. I'm not tired. Tired position is when I'm leaning over the steering wheel. Relaxed, comfortable, in control position is racing position. It just transfers into my normal stance too.
My head makes me look confused, I think. Tilted to the left. I'm sure people just think it means I'm listening, but I feel like it's super awkward. I usually don't have a smile on my face, but lately I've found it difficult to keep from allowing at least a smirk to cross.
All this adds up to me preferring people be on my left. Which is fine because I find a lot of people prefer to have me on their right. But it just makes me wonder what you can tell about a person by the way they stand. I'm sure there are sites out there that say if someone stands with their shoulders even it means they are self-assured or if their hands are at their sides instead of crossed or in their pockets it means they are open, but I mean the real stance. The ice skating and racing influenced one. The ashamed of your height slouch. The shy and unsure shoulder hunch. The one that tells a story about you.
8.28.2010
New Music
I listen to the radio a lot when I travel from my home to college. I usually listen to hit or classic rock stations. But through Terre Haute there's this amazing college run station. And they have provided me with my new music for the month. I find a new band every month, basically. But I rarely add the band to my collection. This one I am. And I have to share them.
Reasons are two fold. First is they're legitimately good. They've been a band for a while and they're used to working together. They have a consistent sound and catchy lyrics. God are the lyrics catchy. If you don't start humming along after the second time you listen to a song, you have no taste in music. Second is they're Canadian. That's just the ultimate cherry on top for me, huh? XD It's actually a bit inconvenient b/c while they're doing shows all over B.C. and Ontario there is very little chance of them coming to the US. Though I still have hope, since their album is being released in the US in about a month.
So there you go. Marianas Trench. When I decide how to pronounce that I'll let you know. In the meantime enjoy the happy-emo-for-the-non-emos headbopping music. And if you liked that song, listen to Acadia and All to Myself next. And then just try and tell me you don't like them.
Reasons are two fold. First is they're legitimately good. They've been a band for a while and they're used to working together. They have a consistent sound and catchy lyrics. God are the lyrics catchy. If you don't start humming along after the second time you listen to a song, you have no taste in music. Second is they're Canadian. That's just the ultimate cherry on top for me, huh? XD It's actually a bit inconvenient b/c while they're doing shows all over B.C. and Ontario there is very little chance of them coming to the US. Though I still have hope, since their album is being released in the US in about a month.
So there you go. Marianas Trench. When I decide how to pronounce that I'll let you know. In the meantime enjoy the happy-emo-for-the-non-emos headbopping music. And if you liked that song, listen to Acadia and All to Myself next. And then just try and tell me you don't like them.
8.27.2010
Real Women
There's really not much I could ever think to add to this. It's absolutely beautiful. I want to be able to write like that. Especially that end. Wow, does that end rock, or what? There's a part of me that complains that I already can write like that, and I think I understand that, but I certainly don't most of the time. This entire blog being a testament to that statement.
My mom's best friend jokes that I can't call myself a woman until I go to a spa and get a mud bath and massage. While I am warming up to the idea of a professional massage, I still do not want to submerge myself in glorified exfoliant and let it settle in all kinds of places. No thank you. What happens at the beach is bad enough. But her comments did get me thinking...when do I consider myself a woman.
I don't know about your moms, but mine made a huge fit when I started wearing a bra. And then a few years later when I hit another "womanly milestone." And when I had my first kiss and so on and so forth. But, in my eyes, none of that made me any closer to being a woman. I always felt adulthood was more important, more tangible. Now that I'm legally an adult, I think adulthood hasn't come yet. Using that way of thinking, maybe I've been a woman since birth. Which, legally speaking is true. So then how do you feel it?
I'm sure guys go through the same thing here. How do they know when to call themselves a man? Is it when they start shaving? Is it once they lose their v-card? How do you know? It's a personal identity issue, of sorts, I think. I'm sure two generations ago, anyone past the age of 18 would say they were a wo/man. And maybe a few generations before that, even as young as 15. But that does not necessarily mean that this way of thinking works for this day and age. Is this man or woman status dependent on independence from our parents? Is it inherently tied to what we consider adulthood?
I'm genuine and I'm female. But there is more to being a real woman than those two things. I think a big part of it is confidence and self-awareness. There's also the whole "comfortable in your own skin" factor, which comes and goes for a lot of women and I think it's a requirement for a real woman. What are some of these factors to you?
My mom's best friend jokes that I can't call myself a woman until I go to a spa and get a mud bath and massage. While I am warming up to the idea of a professional massage, I still do not want to submerge myself in glorified exfoliant and let it settle in all kinds of places. No thank you. What happens at the beach is bad enough. But her comments did get me thinking...when do I consider myself a woman.
I don't know about your moms, but mine made a huge fit when I started wearing a bra. And then a few years later when I hit another "womanly milestone." And when I had my first kiss and so on and so forth. But, in my eyes, none of that made me any closer to being a woman. I always felt adulthood was more important, more tangible. Now that I'm legally an adult, I think adulthood hasn't come yet. Using that way of thinking, maybe I've been a woman since birth. Which, legally speaking is true. So then how do you feel it?
I'm sure guys go through the same thing here. How do they know when to call themselves a man? Is it when they start shaving? Is it once they lose their v-card? How do you know? It's a personal identity issue, of sorts, I think. I'm sure two generations ago, anyone past the age of 18 would say they were a wo/man. And maybe a few generations before that, even as young as 15. But that does not necessarily mean that this way of thinking works for this day and age. Is this man or woman status dependent on independence from our parents? Is it inherently tied to what we consider adulthood?
I'm genuine and I'm female. But there is more to being a real woman than those two things. I think a big part of it is confidence and self-awareness. There's also the whole "comfortable in your own skin" factor, which comes and goes for a lot of women and I think it's a requirement for a real woman. What are some of these factors to you?
8.25.2010
Tongue-Tied
I used to have decent enunciation. In debate you work hard on that. Making sure that at least the words are understood is kinda important when you're talking about foreign policy to a bunch of parents who mostly don't care. Sometimes they were foreign themselves which just added a layer of complexity you had to figure out. The threat of hegemony didn't mean a thing to them.
But recently I've found myself slipping terribly. I was talking to someone about my family's first gen 360 finally red ringing and I kept saying red wing. The Red Wings are an amazing hockey team. Or something far less G-rated. But it is rather ridiculous to keep saying "the red winged xbox." I just picture a black Xbox sprouting big red wings and flapping when you turn it on. No more happy start up sound, it's a screeching bird instead. I did it just the other night when I was bonding with my roommate. I could not say Credence Clearwater Revival to save my life. Cweedence Queerwater. Swear to god that's what I said. What am I, five? Did I just forget how to pronounce consonants in repetition?
I don't normally get tongue-tied. I mumble, sure, but that's how I talk, kinda softly but quickly. I feel like more and more often I'm having to really think about what I want to say before I say it. And it's really super annoying. I'm happy to share my thoughts and opinions, and I know I'm capable of being articulate, but if I can't do that efficiently I look like a fool. It's really annoying too because it seems to happen most often around people I feel the need to impress or make a favorable impression on. Also around guys I like, but I think a lot of people feel that way (C, I am totally looking at you).
But really, this stumbling issue is getting to the point that I think I need to do speaking exercises. Speech kiddos know anything I could do to help eliminate this?
But recently I've found myself slipping terribly. I was talking to someone about my family's first gen 360 finally red ringing and I kept saying red wing. The Red Wings are an amazing hockey team. Or something far less G-rated. But it is rather ridiculous to keep saying "the red winged xbox." I just picture a black Xbox sprouting big red wings and flapping when you turn it on. No more happy start up sound, it's a screeching bird instead. I did it just the other night when I was bonding with my roommate. I could not say Credence Clearwater Revival to save my life. Cweedence Queerwater. Swear to god that's what I said. What am I, five? Did I just forget how to pronounce consonants in repetition?
I don't normally get tongue-tied. I mumble, sure, but that's how I talk, kinda softly but quickly. I feel like more and more often I'm having to really think about what I want to say before I say it. And it's really super annoying. I'm happy to share my thoughts and opinions, and I know I'm capable of being articulate, but if I can't do that efficiently I look like a fool. It's really annoying too because it seems to happen most often around people I feel the need to impress or make a favorable impression on. Also around guys I like, but I think a lot of people feel that way (C, I am totally looking at you).
But really, this stumbling issue is getting to the point that I think I need to do speaking exercises. Speech kiddos know anything I could do to help eliminate this?
8.21.2010
These are the days
I woke up at 8:30am yesterday to go out to our last family meal before both kids are in college. I went to sleep today at 6:30am. My mom woke me up at 7:30am to say good-bye until I come back for a visit. My phone woke me up multiple times around 8am. My dad woke me up at 10:00am to tell me he was heading back to the shop. It is now 11am. I leave for college at noon.
These last few days of summer are the ones I live for. I feel fantastic. I'm probably going to stay up until 2am, hanging out with friends. I am bringing fireworks to shoot off as one last hurrah before school starts.
I suppose I should explain why I haven't slept much. My brother didn't have a good night of racing yesterday. Someone hit him going almost full speed when my brother was totally and completely stopped. Bent the frame, broke our fuel tank. You can't race with a bent frame. Or that broken fuel tank. No. Kinda need one of those. So that means you tear the broken car down and move all the parts to a new frame. It's like those Ford truck commercials where they start with the metal outline of the truck and then add all the parts and the bolts and body? Do all that for a sprint car. The last time it happened, they (being my dad and our crew chief) were out until 7am and went back at 9am. Oh bother.
This time I helped out. I mean, my brother races to keep his points lead today and tomorrow goes to move his stuff in at college and then starts college the day after that. I've been at this for a few years. I know the drill. These days where I don't get much sleep because I have better things to be doing? They're the days I live for. But my brother? He's going to have a lot coming at him in a short period of time. He needs to sleep because his better things are still to come this weekend.
I look at my dad and, even at our crew chief, and I realize I can't keep living like this forever. I see how it affects them. My dad is about ready to collapse. The crew chief, less than 10 years older than I, needs constant caffeine to continue working on the car. But me? Eh, I feel fine. I've saved up a stash of sleep over the summer, it's okay. I don't suffer the way they do.
Maybe that's why I feel obligated to do these sort of things. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to go on all these adventures. I'm in college! My last hurrah before the real world. J and I have a love for the song September by Earth, Wind & Fire. It asks if you remember the 21st night of September and basically explains why that night was so epic. So let's do it. 21st night of September. You have a month to prepare. Make it legendary.
These last few days of summer are the ones I live for. I feel fantastic. I'm probably going to stay up until 2am, hanging out with friends. I am bringing fireworks to shoot off as one last hurrah before school starts.
I suppose I should explain why I haven't slept much. My brother didn't have a good night of racing yesterday. Someone hit him going almost full speed when my brother was totally and completely stopped. Bent the frame, broke our fuel tank. You can't race with a bent frame. Or that broken fuel tank. No. Kinda need one of those. So that means you tear the broken car down and move all the parts to a new frame. It's like those Ford truck commercials where they start with the metal outline of the truck and then add all the parts and the bolts and body? Do all that for a sprint car. The last time it happened, they (being my dad and our crew chief) were out until 7am and went back at 9am. Oh bother.
This time I helped out. I mean, my brother races to keep his points lead today and tomorrow goes to move his stuff in at college and then starts college the day after that. I've been at this for a few years. I know the drill. These days where I don't get much sleep because I have better things to be doing? They're the days I live for. But my brother? He's going to have a lot coming at him in a short period of time. He needs to sleep because his better things are still to come this weekend.
I look at my dad and, even at our crew chief, and I realize I can't keep living like this forever. I see how it affects them. My dad is about ready to collapse. The crew chief, less than 10 years older than I, needs constant caffeine to continue working on the car. But me? Eh, I feel fine. I've saved up a stash of sleep over the summer, it's okay. I don't suffer the way they do.
Maybe that's why I feel obligated to do these sort of things. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to go on all these adventures. I'm in college! My last hurrah before the real world. J and I have a love for the song September by Earth, Wind & Fire. It asks if you remember the 21st night of September and basically explains why that night was so epic. So let's do it. 21st night of September. You have a month to prepare. Make it legendary.
8.20.2010
Humor Me
Boys are funny. I'm not sure girls really get it. Guys are so much funnier than we are. They make a lot more jokes, they say a lot more stupid things, they try a lot harder to make conversations lighter.
I like hanging out with guys because they make a lot of perverted jokes. I think when I hang out with mostly girls and someone makes a "that's what she said" comment, I'm far less likely to point it out than I would if I were in a group with mostly guys. I feel like typical guy humor fits my humor a lot better. I have so many immature comments that I hold back most of the time, but if I'm around guys I don't worry about it. And it usually gets even more laughs than if a guy had said it. I love it. Being one of the guys is awesome. I forgot how much I enjoyed it.
I don't worry so much about how I phrase things. If it comes out wrong, it's a joke and that's fine. If I trip over my words I just quote Adam Sandler ("t-t-t-t-todaaaay, junior!") and it's all good. No one's judging me. Just spit it out somehow, we'll figure it out.
The downfall of hanging out with guys is that they have a weird way of doing serious talk. It feels more like an interview than a conversation. It freaks me out. I want to make some comment to force them to crack a smile, to slip up, something! I think it's more in the body language. Girls tilt their heads and lean in and nod or frown and guys remain far more stoic.
I don't want to hang out with a group of guys all being serious. It's BORING. Girls being serious is dramatic and entertaining. Around guys it's all "meh, girls are crazy" "meh, what ya gonna do?" "yeah. meh." BLAAAAH. Tell me the stories. Tell me why these girls are crazy. Tell me what exactly you did about it b/c obviously you aren't putting up with the craziness anymore. Just...humor me a little bit. Indulge me.
I like hanging out with guys because they make a lot of perverted jokes. I think when I hang out with mostly girls and someone makes a "that's what she said" comment, I'm far less likely to point it out than I would if I were in a group with mostly guys. I feel like typical guy humor fits my humor a lot better. I have so many immature comments that I hold back most of the time, but if I'm around guys I don't worry about it. And it usually gets even more laughs than if a guy had said it. I love it. Being one of the guys is awesome. I forgot how much I enjoyed it.
I don't worry so much about how I phrase things. If it comes out wrong, it's a joke and that's fine. If I trip over my words I just quote Adam Sandler ("t-t-t-t-todaaaay, junior!") and it's all good. No one's judging me. Just spit it out somehow, we'll figure it out.
The downfall of hanging out with guys is that they have a weird way of doing serious talk. It feels more like an interview than a conversation. It freaks me out. I want to make some comment to force them to crack a smile, to slip up, something! I think it's more in the body language. Girls tilt their heads and lean in and nod or frown and guys remain far more stoic.
I don't want to hang out with a group of guys all being serious. It's BORING. Girls being serious is dramatic and entertaining. Around guys it's all "meh, girls are crazy" "meh, what ya gonna do?" "yeah. meh." BLAAAAH. Tell me the stories. Tell me why these girls are crazy. Tell me what exactly you did about it b/c obviously you aren't putting up with the craziness anymore. Just...humor me a little bit. Indulge me.
8.19.2010
Uncharted Waters
So I inadvertently discovered a guy likes me. I don't like him back. And I have no clue what to do.
Basically, when I was moving into my apartment I got a call from a guy, B. He and his younger brother were throwing a back-to-school BBQ in two days, wanted to know if I could come. I told him I would, if I were in the state. I wasn't certain of my plans, but would let him know when I found out. I was kinda surprised to be invited. I mean, I've known these guys since I was 10, so I'm comfortable around them, but they're closer to my brother. So I figured I was just invited out of courtesy. I decided I'd go if it was convenient.
It was, so I went. I mingled and broke out of my shell a little bit. I made some witty comments and some awkward blunders, but I did what I set out to accomplish. B stuck by my side for a lot of the party. At first I thought he was just looking out for me. I only knew my brother and the two hosting the party, so I brushed it off as him just being a good host. But slowly it turned into instead of talking in a group it would be just he and I talking. And he wasn't being the loud funny B I knew. He also threw some playful physical contact into the mix. Nothing boundary testing, but I felt singled out. I'm just the sister of his racing buddy and a family friend. I get treated like a sister by both him and his brother. Racing groups tend to be familial like that.
I picked up on clues all night and had nailed it down by about 11pm. He was flirting, without a doubt. There was something going on that I wasn't previously aware of. My brother and I stick around until we're one of the last ones to leave and drive the 40ish minutes home, singing to epic music including CCR, Ke$ha and Brand New. Envy us. We get home about 1:30. Before 1:40, there's a text from B, asking if we made it home all right. I reply of course, thanks for checking. I get a fairly long text in reply explaining he was glad I could go to the party and hopes I had a good time and to let him know if I'm ever in town and want to hang out or if I want to chat just call.
And that's when I went, "Oh shit." B's a nice dude. Super funny. I'm fairly sure I've mentioned him before on this blog. But he's stuck on the friend ladder. Did not at all think for a second that was even in the cards. Ever. And it really sucks b/c I feel like I just got to a point where I could really start getting to know him, but now I can't without feeling like I'm leading him on. Which I'm fairly certain I would be. So I'm thinking I have two options. Ignore it and hope he stops liking me, or tell him and risk losing a friend. I know telling him would be the right thing, but I don't want to make things awkward in a friendship that finally just got off the ground. But that awkwardness will just be temporary, so it'll be worth it in the end. What do you guys think?
Basically, when I was moving into my apartment I got a call from a guy, B. He and his younger brother were throwing a back-to-school BBQ in two days, wanted to know if I could come. I told him I would, if I were in the state. I wasn't certain of my plans, but would let him know when I found out. I was kinda surprised to be invited. I mean, I've known these guys since I was 10, so I'm comfortable around them, but they're closer to my brother. So I figured I was just invited out of courtesy. I decided I'd go if it was convenient.
It was, so I went. I mingled and broke out of my shell a little bit. I made some witty comments and some awkward blunders, but I did what I set out to accomplish. B stuck by my side for a lot of the party. At first I thought he was just looking out for me. I only knew my brother and the two hosting the party, so I brushed it off as him just being a good host. But slowly it turned into instead of talking in a group it would be just he and I talking. And he wasn't being the loud funny B I knew. He also threw some playful physical contact into the mix. Nothing boundary testing, but I felt singled out. I'm just the sister of his racing buddy and a family friend. I get treated like a sister by both him and his brother. Racing groups tend to be familial like that.
I picked up on clues all night and had nailed it down by about 11pm. He was flirting, without a doubt. There was something going on that I wasn't previously aware of. My brother and I stick around until we're one of the last ones to leave and drive the 40ish minutes home, singing to epic music including CCR, Ke$ha and Brand New. Envy us. We get home about 1:30. Before 1:40, there's a text from B, asking if we made it home all right. I reply of course, thanks for checking. I get a fairly long text in reply explaining he was glad I could go to the party and hopes I had a good time and to let him know if I'm ever in town and want to hang out or if I want to chat just call.
And that's when I went, "Oh shit." B's a nice dude. Super funny. I'm fairly sure I've mentioned him before on this blog. But he's stuck on the friend ladder. Did not at all think for a second that was even in the cards. Ever. And it really sucks b/c I feel like I just got to a point where I could really start getting to know him, but now I can't without feeling like I'm leading him on. Which I'm fairly certain I would be. So I'm thinking I have two options. Ignore it and hope he stops liking me, or tell him and risk losing a friend. I know telling him would be the right thing, but I don't want to make things awkward in a friendship that finally just got off the ground. But that awkwardness will just be temporary, so it'll be worth it in the end. What do you guys think?
8.17.2010
Back to School
Let's cut the philosophical crap for a second and allow me to give you a life update, huh?
I'm sitting in my 2-bedroom apartment listening to my somewhat shy roommate flirt with her friend. It's kinda funny. And cute. It also makes me realize that I'm actually fairly good at reading people through their tone of voice. But that's another post, huh? I'm all moved in except for clothes and some minor decorations for the room (read: I have absolutely nothing on the walls and it's creeping me out) and...my bunny! I spoke to my roommate right before her friend arrived and her eyes lit up when I asked if I could have a rabbit. So I'm pleased about that. Milo will actually get taken care of this year. He needs that.
I'm waiting for my TV to recognize all the channels we have here (They increased it from last year! But now I have to memorize new channels. Bother.) before going to buy books. Then I'm going to wander around a state park b/c all this "being responsible" and "getting ready for school" stuff is making me want summer back. Then I'm going to drive home. It'll be a decent day.
I'm ready to be back in this environment, but I'm not sure I'm ready for school to start. People keep asking me what courses I'm taking, and I honestly can't even remember. 3 journalism courses, 2 education and 1 Japanese. I think that's right. Sounds right. I guess I'll know when I go buy books, huh? XD
I'm excited for more people to move back to college. Right now it's just a few friends who are here and I kinda feel like I'm clinging to the ones who are. I need L to move back, stat. She visited me this summer, did I mention that? I showed her all around IN. Turns out, I'm actually a decent guide. And I can adjust the tour based on personal preferences. For only living in that state for a few years, I actually know a decent amount about it. Kinda proud.
Well, the TV is done so I should get going to the bookstore. [gasps] I just realized. I can get BOBA! I love this town. =D
I'm sitting in my 2-bedroom apartment listening to my somewhat shy roommate flirt with her friend. It's kinda funny. And cute. It also makes me realize that I'm actually fairly good at reading people through their tone of voice. But that's another post, huh? I'm all moved in except for clothes and some minor decorations for the room (read: I have absolutely nothing on the walls and it's creeping me out) and...my bunny! I spoke to my roommate right before her friend arrived and her eyes lit up when I asked if I could have a rabbit. So I'm pleased about that. Milo will actually get taken care of this year. He needs that.
I'm waiting for my TV to recognize all the channels we have here (They increased it from last year! But now I have to memorize new channels. Bother.) before going to buy books. Then I'm going to wander around a state park b/c all this "being responsible" and "getting ready for school" stuff is making me want summer back. Then I'm going to drive home. It'll be a decent day.
I'm ready to be back in this environment, but I'm not sure I'm ready for school to start. People keep asking me what courses I'm taking, and I honestly can't even remember. 3 journalism courses, 2 education and 1 Japanese. I think that's right. Sounds right. I guess I'll know when I go buy books, huh? XD
I'm excited for more people to move back to college. Right now it's just a few friends who are here and I kinda feel like I'm clinging to the ones who are. I need L to move back, stat. She visited me this summer, did I mention that? I showed her all around IN. Turns out, I'm actually a decent guide. And I can adjust the tour based on personal preferences. For only living in that state for a few years, I actually know a decent amount about it. Kinda proud.
Well, the TV is done so I should get going to the bookstore. [gasps] I just realized. I can get BOBA! I love this town. =D
8.16.2010
Roam Around the World
The B52s are not my type of music. You probably know them for Love Shack. My mom has their greatest hits collection and I laugh every time she plays Rock Lobster. The song makes absolutely no sense. I think the band was on drugs when they wrote most of their songs. But I really really love Roam.
It's my number one road trip song. Whenever I hear it, I think about all the places I want to go and who I want to go there with. It makes me nostalgic for the days I spent with my neighborhood friend, H, planning our trip to Disneyland for the weekend after our 16th birthdays (I was only 2 days older). It makes me excited to think about going on a trip with a certain group of friends. It makes me remember driving through an ice storm in Wyoming in the middle of the night. I turned off the radio (not that I would have been able to hear it anyway) and just softly sang this song over and over to keep myself calm.
If I actually went all the places I've made plans to go with people, I think my life would be a lot different. Possibly a lot fuller. I'd be able to remember Hawaii and the Grand Canyon. My love for Vancouver might be a bit more substantiated. I'd have been to Japan and Taiwan.
For the past two years, I have dreamed of taking a weekend ski trip to Colorado. Tell my professors that I'm sick and go skiing Friday, Saturday and a halfday on Sunday. It's so terribly convenient. Hop on 70 west until you see signs telling you to take a certain exit for a certain ski resort and, half an hour later, you're there. Done. I think the reason I haven't is the thought of a 14 hour drive by myself is a bit daunting. I'm going to really try and find someone to trick into coming along with me this year. XD Should be good fun.
I'm not sure why I'm so fixated on this weekend get-away. Has anyone ever done one? Was it successful?
It's my number one road trip song. Whenever I hear it, I think about all the places I want to go and who I want to go there with. It makes me nostalgic for the days I spent with my neighborhood friend, H, planning our trip to Disneyland for the weekend after our 16th birthdays (I was only 2 days older). It makes me excited to think about going on a trip with a certain group of friends. It makes me remember driving through an ice storm in Wyoming in the middle of the night. I turned off the radio (not that I would have been able to hear it anyway) and just softly sang this song over and over to keep myself calm.
If I actually went all the places I've made plans to go with people, I think my life would be a lot different. Possibly a lot fuller. I'd be able to remember Hawaii and the Grand Canyon. My love for Vancouver might be a bit more substantiated. I'd have been to Japan and Taiwan.
For the past two years, I have dreamed of taking a weekend ski trip to Colorado. Tell my professors that I'm sick and go skiing Friday, Saturday and a halfday on Sunday. It's so terribly convenient. Hop on 70 west until you see signs telling you to take a certain exit for a certain ski resort and, half an hour later, you're there. Done. I think the reason I haven't is the thought of a 14 hour drive by myself is a bit daunting. I'm going to really try and find someone to trick into coming along with me this year. XD Should be good fun.
I'm not sure why I'm so fixated on this weekend get-away. Has anyone ever done one? Was it successful?
8.14.2010
My Fashion Sense is a Little Whack
I have noticed that I have an ever growing collection of solid color V-neck T-shirts in my closet. The lengths vary, depending on when I bought it and the trends at that particular time (and sometimes place). But they are all solid. They are all V-neck. Or polos. But those are V-neck and T-shirts, so I was including them.
Like my jeans. I'm finally switching it up a bit, but I used to wear just straight leg blue jeans. I now own a pair of black jeans, a pair of grey corduroy's (no clue how to wear those, help please!), and [collective gasp] a pair of skinny jeans. But for each of those, I have two pairs of straight leg blue jeans. And then some.
Or my shoes. Skate shoes. Vans, DC, Etnies. All colors, but they're all skate shoes. When they stopped making decent girl skate shoes, I turned to the guy styles. I've branched out, actually. I own Pumas. I know. Go me, right? Hold your applause.
I'm in college but I dress like a 12-year-old tomboy. I'm not quite sure what I'm missing here. I read the college fashion blogs. No seriously, I do. Stop laughing. Up until just a few months ago I got Seventeen and Teen Vogue. Stop laughing! I did all throughout high school. I go to Modcloth almost every day and just stare at the adorable finds. I pay attention to the trends, but when I try them on...I just feel foolish. Just the other day, I was downtown with a friend and we tried on those multi-colored kinda bubbly skirts that have been popular this summer. The ones with the big elastic bands that you tuck shirts into? Could not, for the life of me, figure out where I was supposed to let the thing be on me. Up at my waist made the skirt seem too short and my whole body out of proportion. At my hips was a tad too long and the torso was all weird then. Throw a flowy vest thing on top of it all and you just had a mess.
I'm not saying (nor thinking) there's anything wrong with how I dress. I always look cute and as put together as I'd like to be. My appearance doesn't make anyone back away in horror. But I look at the other kiddos on campus and I can see how dressing a little more, how shall I say, adult would be beneficial. Or just simply accessorizing. Wearing earrings every once in a while. I mean, I got my ears pierced before I was 10. You'd think wearing earrings would come naturally to me. Or a scarf. Scarves! Apparently they can totally pull an outfit together. And they're so easy! You just wrap it around your neck! But I always put the thin ones too loose and the fluffy ones too tight and they always end up looking wrong. I alsothink know I look adorable in fedoras and newsboy caps. But I own none. Why? It just doesn't seem suitable. Doesn't seem economical. It's a hat. You only wear it outside and it doesn't serve any purpose.
So maybe my fashion sense is a little whack. But I have two more years of college to figure it out. And after that, it'll be all work clothes so anything I wear normally is out anyway.
Like my jeans. I'm finally switching it up a bit, but I used to wear just straight leg blue jeans. I now own a pair of black jeans, a pair of grey corduroy's (no clue how to wear those, help please!), and [collective gasp] a pair of skinny jeans. But for each of those, I have two pairs of straight leg blue jeans. And then some.
Or my shoes. Skate shoes. Vans, DC, Etnies. All colors, but they're all skate shoes. When they stopped making decent girl skate shoes, I turned to the guy styles. I've branched out, actually. I own Pumas. I know. Go me, right? Hold your applause.
I'm in college but I dress like a 12-year-old tomboy. I'm not quite sure what I'm missing here. I read the college fashion blogs. No seriously, I do. Stop laughing. Up until just a few months ago I got Seventeen and Teen Vogue. Stop laughing! I did all throughout high school. I go to Modcloth almost every day and just stare at the adorable finds. I pay attention to the trends, but when I try them on...I just feel foolish. Just the other day, I was downtown with a friend and we tried on those multi-colored kinda bubbly skirts that have been popular this summer. The ones with the big elastic bands that you tuck shirts into? Could not, for the life of me, figure out where I was supposed to let the thing be on me. Up at my waist made the skirt seem too short and my whole body out of proportion. At my hips was a tad too long and the torso was all weird then. Throw a flowy vest thing on top of it all and you just had a mess.
I'm not saying (nor thinking) there's anything wrong with how I dress. I always look cute and as put together as I'd like to be. My appearance doesn't make anyone back away in horror. But I look at the other kiddos on campus and I can see how dressing a little more, how shall I say, adult would be beneficial. Or just simply accessorizing. Wearing earrings every once in a while. I mean, I got my ears pierced before I was 10. You'd think wearing earrings would come naturally to me. Or a scarf. Scarves! Apparently they can totally pull an outfit together. And they're so easy! You just wrap it around your neck! But I always put the thin ones too loose and the fluffy ones too tight and they always end up looking wrong. I also
So maybe my fashion sense is a little whack. But I have two more years of college to figure it out. And after that, it'll be all work clothes so anything I wear normally is out anyway.
8.11.2010
Amen
My family attends races three times a week. Each race track has two invocations a day. One during the driver's meeting and one before the national anthem. I stand and bow my head, mutter "Amen" under my breath, and move on, never paying too much attention. I'm just being respectful.
But something irked me this weekend. At one of the tracks, the person leading the prayer asked that God please bless America, this good Christian nation. He placed emphasis on the last three words, saying them like each word made up a sentence. I heard it first during the driver's meeting. I wrote it off - oh, he's just being overzealous, he'll say something else, something more politically correct, when he's speaking to all in attendance.
Nope. Did it again. Same phrasing, same emphasis. It bothers me because this nation has no official religion. Legally. What if there were Jews at the race? Or Buddhists? Or Hindus? Or Muslims? Or, for that matter, a member of any established religion outside of Christianity? Do they feel excluded from the nation? I did. And I'm still figuring out what I believe. I'd be even more upset if I felt I belonged to a religion.
I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. This person doesn't usually offer the invocation, so he was probably nervous. It probably just slipped out, and he probably meant it with the best intentions. Blessings for the country aren't a bad thing and that's what it boils down to. It doesn't make what he said right, but I shouldn't be mad at him for saying it.
What would your reaction be if you heard someone saying that? I realize a lot of readers don't hear invocations that often, whereas in my life they're heard 2 times a day 3 days a week all summer, so the thought of an invocation is kind of strange itself. I'd like your opinion on that as well if you choose to offer it.
But something irked me this weekend. At one of the tracks, the person leading the prayer asked that God please bless America, this good Christian nation. He placed emphasis on the last three words, saying them like each word made up a sentence. I heard it first during the driver's meeting. I wrote it off - oh, he's just being overzealous, he'll say something else, something more politically correct, when he's speaking to all in attendance.
Nope. Did it again. Same phrasing, same emphasis. It bothers me because this nation has no official religion. Legally. What if there were Jews at the race? Or Buddhists? Or Hindus? Or Muslims? Or, for that matter, a member of any established religion outside of Christianity? Do they feel excluded from the nation? I did. And I'm still figuring out what I believe. I'd be even more upset if I felt I belonged to a religion.
I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. This person doesn't usually offer the invocation, so he was probably nervous. It probably just slipped out, and he probably meant it with the best intentions. Blessings for the country aren't a bad thing and that's what it boils down to. It doesn't make what he said right, but I shouldn't be mad at him for saying it.
What would your reaction be if you heard someone saying that? I realize a lot of readers don't hear invocations that often, whereas in my life they're heard 2 times a day 3 days a week all summer, so the thought of an invocation is kind of strange itself. I'd like your opinion on that as well if you choose to offer it.
8.07.2010
Race/Ethnicity/Something/Nothing
This all started with thinking about race. I decided there is no such thing as different races, but there are many ethnicities. Ethnicity is determined on a personal basis, often influenced most by culture. And yes, you can be many ethnicities or just one or you can even have none.
So that's the short version of my "thinking time" from earlier today. If you're interested in further explanation, feel free to ask. But I just had to push myself some more. See, I don't think I have an ethnicity. People look at me and think I'm your typical American high school student. Close, but I am in college, and...that's not my ethnicity. It's my citizenship. But is American an ethnicity? America was based on the coming together (and sometimes clash, even today) of cultures and ethnicities. So how does that create an ethnicity? I'm not sure it does.
I grew up in a reasonably ethnically diverse area (economically not at all). One of my college friends introduces me to others by saying, "This is her first group of all white friends. She hung out with Asian kids in high school." I did. And some Indian and some Caucasian and some mixed. I was able to sample many different cultures just by going to my friends' houses. It's how I became enamored with steamed dumplings (J, send my compliments to your mom again please). I had so many different ethnicities influencing me when I was young that I never stopped to consider what anyone was. People just existed. When I moved to a far less diverse area (though still amazingly diverse for this particular state), I became insanely aware of the differences in ethnicities. The influence certain cultures can have on people. Suddenly, I was noticing all these differences and how they divided people and it scared me. Was my ignorance bliss? Was this state and state of mind turning me racist? Trying to ignore unspoken boundaries certainly made it difficult to make friends.
When I tried to identify my own ethnicity, I began to wonder about the ethnicity of my friends. Do my Chinese-American friends consider themselves to be Chinese or American or both? But then I'm starting to sound like I'm talking about citizenship again. Maybe ethnicity is tied into citizenship. I can't imagine considering myself to be Canadian until I became a citizen, even though I already fit the stereotypical Canadian profile (if only I could nail the accent...). My friend, B, recently became a US citizen. She said she was American. I asked, "Yeah, but what does that mean?" She shrugged. It was just a convenience. She could vote now. It was far easier to manage her life.
I call myself an egg - white on the outside, yellow on the inside - and that's the best I define myself. So are my friends bananas? But that, or Twinkie, has always had a more negative connotation. And now I'm wondering why, if I can't even define myself, am I trying to define my friends. I certainly wouldn't be terribly pleased if I were in their shoes.
So then, what is ethnicity even? Is it just my way to sound, well, not racist? But if I don't care what race/ethnicity/culture people are, why am I trying to hard to define it? I feel like if I know what ethnicity I am, I'll have this huge epiphany and it'll be all, "Oh, that's why I am how I am." But I know why I am how I am. I just kind of told you guys - when I was younger I experienced a lot of different cultures. It was filtered, true, but I was still exposed and I took a lot from that. Maybe I am confusing culture for ethnicity. But still, for some reason I can't just accept that. I don't believe it. Culture seems like a way of doing things, a list of interests. Ethnicity includes culture and language and history. It is inherently more than just culture. So I'm a combination of cultures. Got it. So what's my ethnicity?
You know what I just thought of? I know my political science books had a lot to say about this. I'm really pissed I sold them now. That'd solve all my problems.
So that's the short version of my "thinking time" from earlier today. If you're interested in further explanation, feel free to ask. But I just had to push myself some more. See, I don't think I have an ethnicity. People look at me and think I'm your typical American high school student. Close, but I am in college, and...that's not my ethnicity. It's my citizenship. But is American an ethnicity? America was based on the coming together (and sometimes clash, even today) of cultures and ethnicities. So how does that create an ethnicity? I'm not sure it does.
I grew up in a reasonably ethnically diverse area (economically not at all). One of my college friends introduces me to others by saying, "This is her first group of all white friends. She hung out with Asian kids in high school." I did. And some Indian and some Caucasian and some mixed. I was able to sample many different cultures just by going to my friends' houses. It's how I became enamored with steamed dumplings (J, send my compliments to your mom again please). I had so many different ethnicities influencing me when I was young that I never stopped to consider what anyone was. People just existed. When I moved to a far less diverse area (though still amazingly diverse for this particular state), I became insanely aware of the differences in ethnicities. The influence certain cultures can have on people. Suddenly, I was noticing all these differences and how they divided people and it scared me. Was my ignorance bliss? Was this state and state of mind turning me racist? Trying to ignore unspoken boundaries certainly made it difficult to make friends.
When I tried to identify my own ethnicity, I began to wonder about the ethnicity of my friends. Do my Chinese-American friends consider themselves to be Chinese or American or both? But then I'm starting to sound like I'm talking about citizenship again. Maybe ethnicity is tied into citizenship. I can't imagine considering myself to be Canadian until I became a citizen, even though I already fit the stereotypical Canadian profile (if only I could nail the accent...). My friend, B, recently became a US citizen. She said she was American. I asked, "Yeah, but what does that mean?" She shrugged. It was just a convenience. She could vote now. It was far easier to manage her life.
I call myself an egg - white on the outside, yellow on the inside - and that's the best I define myself. So are my friends bananas? But that, or Twinkie, has always had a more negative connotation. And now I'm wondering why, if I can't even define myself, am I trying to define my friends. I certainly wouldn't be terribly pleased if I were in their shoes.
So then, what is ethnicity even? Is it just my way to sound, well, not racist? But if I don't care what race/ethnicity/culture people are, why am I trying to hard to define it? I feel like if I know what ethnicity I am, I'll have this huge epiphany and it'll be all, "Oh, that's why I am how I am." But I know why I am how I am. I just kind of told you guys - when I was younger I experienced a lot of different cultures. It was filtered, true, but I was still exposed and I took a lot from that. Maybe I am confusing culture for ethnicity. But still, for some reason I can't just accept that. I don't believe it. Culture seems like a way of doing things, a list of interests. Ethnicity includes culture and language and history. It is inherently more than just culture. So I'm a combination of cultures. Got it. So what's my ethnicity?
You know what I just thought of? I know my political science books had a lot to say about this. I'm really pissed I sold them now. That'd solve all my problems.
8.04.2010
Poor Poor Laptop
I think I'm killing my laptop.
It's an early 2008 MBP. Right before the unibody. It's a solid laptop. Only been two years since I got it, so it should be in it's prime, right?
No. I'm bad. I treat my laptops like people treat their PCs. Within a month of having it, the laptop was partitioned and I installed Steam and played my way through Portal and half of HL2. I later installed some software for my cell phone along with Spore. Beyond that, I left the Windows XP side alone. On the OSX portion, I have 4 different browsers, Steam, Sims 3, 3 different IM clients, Microsoft Office, roughly 10gb of music (I know, it's small, send me more music plz), and too many images and word files to count. For Christmas, I simply asked for a new battery because the old one wasn't holding a charge too well. I use my laptop a lot.
About every month I have to do a SMC reset and I'm sure that's not doing any good either. My guess is I'm generating too much heat by playing games. I'm thinking I need to do a fresh install of the operating system and delete the Windows partition (since Steam is on Mac now). But, you know, to do that I'd need to transfer my files to another computer for safe keeping. So I'm either going to have some fun with the unused computer in the basement or buy myself an external hard drive and go to town. The latter is the more sure method, but the former seems like a good challenge.
So, I dunno. This is kind of an uncharted area for me. I fix small things for my computer inept mother. Like plugging in wires that came loose or making sure whatever program is up to date. I sat and watched as my laptop was partitioned and data from my old laptop was transferred to this one. But I've done some research. I grasp the general concept. I think I can accomplish my goal by myself, but any advice from the more technically inclined would be appreciated. It's only a half step away from life support as it is.
It's an early 2008 MBP. Right before the unibody. It's a solid laptop. Only been two years since I got it, so it should be in it's prime, right?
No. I'm bad. I treat my laptops like people treat their PCs. Within a month of having it, the laptop was partitioned and I installed Steam and played my way through Portal and half of HL2. I later installed some software for my cell phone along with Spore. Beyond that, I left the Windows XP side alone. On the OSX portion, I have 4 different browsers, Steam, Sims 3, 3 different IM clients, Microsoft Office, roughly 10gb of music (I know, it's small, send me more music plz), and too many images and word files to count. For Christmas, I simply asked for a new battery because the old one wasn't holding a charge too well. I use my laptop a lot.
About every month I have to do a SMC reset and I'm sure that's not doing any good either. My guess is I'm generating too much heat by playing games. I'm thinking I need to do a fresh install of the operating system and delete the Windows partition (since Steam is on Mac now). But, you know, to do that I'd need to transfer my files to another computer for safe keeping. So I'm either going to have some fun with the unused computer in the basement or buy myself an external hard drive and go to town. The latter is the more sure method, but the former seems like a good challenge.
So, I dunno. This is kind of an uncharted area for me. I fix small things for my computer inept mother. Like plugging in wires that came loose or making sure whatever program is up to date. I sat and watched as my laptop was partitioned and data from my old laptop was transferred to this one. But I've done some research. I grasp the general concept. I think I can accomplish my goal by myself, but any advice from the more technically inclined would be appreciated. It's only a half step away from life support as it is.
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