Progression

Since I started kindergarten, I've been aware that there was something that set me apart from the rest of the students. Before now I've never been able to put a finger on it, but now I know what it is.

I have a very fast learning curve, but it plateaus a bit earlier than most. Which is odd, considering that my IQ is in the top 5% (assuming normal distribution). I've noticed it in everything that I do. The academic subjects - reading, writing, spelling, grammar, math, science. Vocabulary is the one exception to this rule, but the many hours spent with SAT flashcards explain that. Of course, I rarely use even 50% of my vocabulary in everyday conversation. I don't know the standard rate, but that seems generous enough. Non-academic subjects - sports, video games, cooking. I am able to keep my head far above water with regards to technology, but I attribute that to growing up in the capitol of Silicon Valley.

At any rate, I just noticed this today after a bit of consideration and just thought I'd share.

Is This College Life?

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But there are so many things that piss me off about my roommate that no one else seems to notice. Maybe it comes from living with the person. Maybe it comes from having a very different moral structure. Maybe it's just because I was raised to conduct myself properly.

Whatever the reason, I seriously hope that I do not live with her next semester. In fact, I hope I only have contact with a few people in the group I have found myself in and even that contact better be limited to the weekdays or the weekends they choose not to consume alcohol or mess with illegal substances. Which, in reality, will be never.

I really do not think that any of them have any idea how much I hate the way they act. How much they have driven me to hate my decision to come here. How much I want to just run away every weekend and never come back.

Sometimes I think about my life back in high school and wonder if the people I was friends with then will still be the same people now. Have they changed so much too? Do they drink every weekend with no regard for the law or their own morals? I hope not. I don't want to feel so alone in this world.

It has occurred to me that I could conduct a study here, for my own personal enjoyment, to discover the reason why these people partake in the activities they do, but for reasons not mentioned here that could get very personal very quickly. Perhaps that is not the best idea.

But I really do not understand it. And I want to. I have no desire to ever get drunk or ever get high, yet these people crave it. Is it the freedom? Liberation? Thrill of doing something illegal? Are they simply chasing their first high? What drove them to try in the first place? Peer pressure? Am I the only one strong enough to resist? So many questions running through my head that I want answered. But I can't ask them. It goes back to how I was raised. It is socially unacceptable to ask such personal questions without invitation.

Speaking of how I was raised, my roommate has introduced me to another aspect of college that I am glad to not be partaking in - the random hook up. To clarify, this does not mean simply making out or cuddling. This is the whole shebang, the phrase "hook up" being used to the fullest extent. The first week she did not stay in our room at least twice. She was never "official" with this hook up, and moved on to another fairly quickly. She was unofficially with this one for about a week before randomly returning home and randomly hooking up with someone there before returning to her second hook up. Though she is now pursuing an actual relationship with this one, she will move on if he does not make a move. I am counting the days until hook up number four.

I know a few people in relationships that both go to this college, but live in different dorms. They seem very happy and spend a lot of time together, but not much apart. As I am one of a few people I know in a long distance relationship, I envy this closeness distance wise, but feel that I would not want to spend so much time with my boyfriend. I want to sit them down and ask how it is and if they ever get annoyed by being around each other so often, but that just seems like I would be prying into their relationship too much. The girl across the hall is in a long distance relationship, about the same distance as mine. Her's is not as strong as mine, but they seem to make it work better. I have a different set of questions for her, but again, I do not want to pry.

Somewhere in all these musings, there is a question (and some follow ups, if applicable) I would like to pose to anyone who happens to stumble across this. What was/is/do you imagine will be your first year of college like on the social front? If this includes illegal use of...well, anything, why did you choose that? Had you tried it before? Was peer pressure ever involved? If this includes many "random hook ups," what caused them? Did any grow into anything more? If you were in a relationship, did your significant other attend the same college or did they attend another college? How did that work out? What did you do to try and make it work?

I have so many questions, but no possible way of getting any answers. There are no textbooks for things such as this.

LDR

Having never been in a relationship where the two people see each other every day, I just assumed that a long distance relationship would be very simple. I mean, when we first started dating, we were an hour away. What is five more? We don't see each other every day anyway, so why does distance matter?

Trust me, it does. Very much so.

It's been little more than 36 hours since I last hung out with my boyfriend. I feel like crying. I want to be with him. The breaks cannot come soon enough.

College Bound

It has come to my attention that during the summer between one's senior year of high school and first year of college, very thick, bold, "do not cross" lines are drawn between those staying in state and those going out of state.

I'm not exactly sure of the cause for this division, nor do I particularly enjoy it. It is just a fact I would like take some time and point out.

Maybe I dislike this juvenile behavior simply because I am in the minority of my close friends, being someone who is going out of state. Maybe it's just my friends being, well, stupid. Maybe it's something I'm doing subconsciously to act superior and thus, driving them away. Whatever's going on, it sucks.

I believe this conundrum extends beyond merely dividing the groups. For when an attempt to unite the two parties and attend some sort of event is made, the "In State" party wishes to stay close to home. The "Out of State" party wishes to travel. Neither party is wrong per say, it's just amusing.

As a member of the "Out of State" party seeking something similar to unity between the groups, I have often tried to find common ground with the "In State" party. From conversing over fears, such as roommates and heavy partying, to the simpler things in life, such as what to bring to the dorms, I have found that discussion is strained at best. I get the impression that the "In State" party members feel that simply because I am not attending a college a two hour radius - assuming one is traveling by car - from my current address, I must not or can not relate to their future college experience.

While attending summer orientation at the college of my choice - a prominent school for my major of choice located in the Midwest or South, depending on your map - I experienced this as well. The "In State" members stuck with other "In State" members, while the few "Out of State" members foundered, looking for another fish out of water to converse with. The lines were as clearly drawn as they had been in my home state.

I have spoken with students of a larger and more heavily populated state to see if they experienced a similar situation. I spoke to mainly "In State" members, a few "Out of State" members and even an "Out of Country" member. They did not experience what I can only refer to as "In State Elitism." The "In State" members has a wider range of "distances from current address" as these numbers ranged from one and a half hours to more than seven. "Out of State" members found themselves across the country, and the "Out of Country" member will be halfway around the world. Yet, all of these parties were able to come together near the end of their summer to attend an event more than two hours away. Some even got together for a second event a slight bit closer to home. As I observed them converse about college, there were no visible signs of stress or strain and not a single awkward pause.

So why is this elitism local to the Midwest?

My conclusion is that since a large group of the "In State" party will be attending the same college, or will be in a reasonable driving distance to meet up for a Saturday night party, they are eliminating those they will only see on breaks because the friendship would require too much work to keep up.



Get real people. I've kept in contact with friends across the country for two years. But this? This is beyond just me now. Can't you put some effort into keeping the friends you've had all your life?

Acting (im)Mature

I've always been told by adults that I act older than my age. I wonder if they were really watching me. I think I act younger.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know how to act older, I just choose not to most of the time. It's no fun. I always associate acting mature with unhappiness and problems and responsibilities that I, as someone who is not yet a "true" adult, has no business dealing with. However as someone who is technically an adult, perhaps I should start worrying about these things. But don't you just have those times where all you want is to swing as high as you possibly can at the park?

I don't know. I think society is messed up. Society seems to think I should be "having fun" with my friends at the mall or my boyfriend in the back of his car or at some party with a bunch of people I don't know. Not happily swinging in the park. Doing just this gets me many stares because I'm having fun at an age where I shouldn't be having fun that way. But society doesn't want me spending my parents money at the mall because that's a waste. Society doesn't want me making out with my boyfriend because that can lead to many other things of higher consequence. Society doesn't want me at some party because that could end up with me dead in the middle of the highway after causing some other poor kid's death.

I really do not understand society. Just because I fall into a particular age range, I am not subject to many stereotypes regarding all aspects of my life. I will not be hypocritical and shun them all, because I do believe that some of those assumptions hold true for most cases, but to look at someone and say, "I know exactly how you are," just because I was born in a certain year really bugs me. Maybe it's because of the whole tolerance thing I've got going on.

I guess this is how I'm supposed to try and convince you I can be mature. I don't think it's working.

So where does this all leave me? I'm still at the same place I started. Just another new adult wondering how to keep her childhood while at the same time growing up.

It's not exactly working for me.

Turning Point

So. It's been a while.

No really, it has been quite a long while. Let's sit down and talk. You free now?

Oh, I see. Well some other time maybe.

Maybe seems like all it will ever be. I feel like I've lost all my friends from back in sophomore year. From back at Leland. And the ones I have in Carmel just don't take the cake. Not like they did. I wonder whose fault that is really. I can't say it is her fault for not IMing me when she hasn't been online when I haven't made any efforts either. I can't say it is her fault we don't send letters back and forth like we swore we would when I haven't made any efforts to do just that. I can't say it is her fault when she is the one who is always there for me, who I always call, who I always turn to when I haven't made the same efforts for her. I can't say it is her fault that our friendship has changed in meaning when I haven't made efforts to preserve it.

So I turn to those out here. But she doesn't understand my past, she only understands the now. But she can't relate to my problems, she is so sheltered. But she won't see my side of the issue, she is on the other side. She can't be bothered by me anymore, she is too busy.

So who do I turn to when I am feeling down?

The ones who I can't see. I turn to Maryland. I turn to SoCal. I turn to Berkeley. I turn to Texas. I turn to Connecticut.

But none of those can take the place of the ones I had. So who do I have?

I've got me. And for now, that will have to do.

When an old friend from yearbook went to a private high school, those left behind were lost. Not all, and not all at the same time. Some slowly, some quickly. I finally understand this. I don't understand why, but I understand this as the process that all who move must go through eventually. I'll pick some to keep and some to leave, but the number will be smaller yet again. I worry that my decision will be the wrong one.

I wonder if there is a right way to go about doing this. How do you say to someone who has been there in some of your worst times, "Sorry, it's such a bother to keep in touch with you as much as I deem necessary for such a friend, so I'm cutting you"?

The answer comes back faster than an echo.

You can't so you don't.

Hey you. It's been a while. Want to go sit down and talk with me a while?