Husband Hunting part 2

After B and I broke up (one of the times, I can't remember which), I had a nice long talk with my roommate, L. She astutely pointed out that I really haven't been single since high school.

Huh.

Really? It'd been that long? I don't really think of it like that. I'm always "Oh, no, I had a relationship and that was almost 3 years and then I had another one and that was just under 2 years. And I dated some guy for like a month. And then tried it again with the 2 year guy for the holidays." But that doesn't really explain it. I was single for the summer after K and I broke up (having dated 2.5 years), before dating K again from the fall until the winter, at which point there was maybe a month before I dated B, but we broke up after a year and a half then it was probably a month before I dated-ish BMD, but things got serious too quickly so I went back to B for a few months and now it's been 9 or so months that we haven't been dating, but half the people I interact with accuse me of dating him anyway. The off periods total a little over a year. Maybe. If I'm being generous. Since high school, I have been single for roughly a year. And a majority of that has come only recently.

"You've changed since high school. What you want from a relationship is different," L said. But I know that. I have blog posts about it. "I've been single a lot so now that I'm with M, I actually know what I want." But I do know what I want, don't I? I keep saying I'm ready for a lifelong relationship, I don't want short term. I want someone to be my partner throughout life. I know that. But am I ready for it?

J bugged me about the same thing. I need to know how I operate. Love languages, she calls them. Take a quiz and it'll tell you your levels in each of 5 love languages. I got the max in "Quality Time", just above half in "Words of Affirmation", just below half in "Physical Touch" and "Acts of Service", and one point for "Gifts". The site I went to tells me that I "crave togetherness". So I want to be around my partner. Like bloody all the time. Yeah, already knew that I feel loved by spending time with my partner. I feel supported just by being around someone. I don't necessarily want to talk and I don't necessarily want to be in physical contact with the person, I just want to know they're around. Hell, I do this with my roommates; it's why I always leave my door open. I want to be in my space, but I want to know that people are around. So what was the point of taking this quiz?

Basically, I've got two people telling me that I don't know what I want, and me saying I do. So. Remember my old list? We're examining it, cleaning it up, and being transparent about the edits. I feel like I left a lot of things out about the life I want with my husband. And that's kind of important to talk about with future husband and make sure we've got overlap. That said, there is wiggle room. You can always negotiate. Brackets are to further explain my reasoning behind some additions/changes.

• Smart: Preferably Smarter than me. I like being challenged. I want to have meaningful conversations about what each of us is studying/teaching/doing along with discussing what is going on in our country and the world.
• Foodie: I don't care if he can cook, I don't care if he wants to have fast food 10 times a week. He should be able to cook without burning the house down. He should try and avoid fast food. [more falls under Health category] But He will enjoy spending hours at specialty food stores with me, even if we don't buy anything, and not just for the fact we are spending time together. He will not mind going out and spending $100+ on a dinner out. The frequency depends on his...
• JobCareer/Money: I don't much care what he does, but if he makes less than I make as an entry level teacher or journalist, he's out. I want a life where I don't have to work if I don't want to and not worry too much about the impact that will have on our lifestyle. I do not mind those who will think I wish to be a kept wife. I like how I was raised, but I watch my mom and I can tell something is missing for her. And I think that was having a career. I'm a little off topic; Adjusting for inflation a little, let's say I'd like my husband to make 60k+/year. (So with that we can go for that kind of dinner once every 3 months-ish? Maybe I should bump that salary up...) Doesn't feel the need to share bank accounts once married [so we can mostly live off his earnings, while putting most of mine into various savings accounts]. Uses a monthly budgeting tool [eg. Mint.com]. 
• Socially Liberal: I care about economic leanings a bit, but I can put those differences aside. It's super difficult for me to deal with people who aren't socially liberal. Even socially moderate it kinda bugs me. I like talking about politics and I can't stand it if my SO has opposing views. disagrees with me. Because I don't want to argue about that. So we better agree.
• Geeky: Ways can vary. But if it's not obvious after the first date, forget it. I'm geeky. If geekiness isn't invited, I'm outie. My partner should share that as well.
• World Traveller: If not yet, then aspires to. Has a list of places he wants to go and why. Must have passport within a year of us dating. Does not allow it to expire. Takes a vacation once a year, preferably at least a week long. Travels by car, plane and boat. And whatever future forms of travel become popular. Trains, if they make a comeback?
• Open Communication: Has a "take me as I am" attitude about who he is. Acknowledges his past, does not let it rule him. Already knows self and expects that I know myself as well. Doesn't try to change that, but constantly searches for compromises in areas where we disagree. Doesn't have secrets in the relationship. Discusses issues frankly and as soon as is reasonable. Trusts me with his secrets, as I trust him with mine. Understands how I get angry. Accepts it, but helps me be better about it. Isn't afraid to upset me because he knows I'll calm down with 30 minutes of alone time. Works with me to improve our communication (because there will be times it will suck). Doesn't give up. Will hold me accountable to the same standard.
• Dog Lover: Can like cats, but if it boils down to it will pick dogs over cats. Wants a dog to raise with family. Will love my dog, but accepts it is MY dog. Likely has own animal. If neither of us have a dog, will go to Humane Society with me to volunteer and/or go to dog parks to interact with dogs. (This can be just to spend time with me. Less important than foodie.)
• Follows a Sport: Doesn't have to be my sport/s. Just a sport. Different ones are actually ideal so we can learn about each other's teams. If he likes the Calgary Flames he is automatically disqualified. I. Don't. Care. Very serious about that.
• Reads: I don't care what. I don't care how. It can be history books from the library or the latest D&D rules he just downloaded dl/ed. Just read. There is always time to read. [so much information is consumed visually these days, but those who regularly consume the written word tend to be smarter]
• Kids: Does not want a biological child. Is open to adoption or fostering, but isn't set on it. Isn't set against it either. If it is decided down the road that we are both for, then only in very limited quantities, only after the child has a college savings account started and only after both parties are in agreement on staying in one location for the next 10-15 or so years. Also in agreement that we still travel like fools and teach the kid to be awesome in public.
• Location: No cities smaller than 50k. This applies to suburban cities around much larger metros. City will be a blend of ethnicities [I hate the term "diverse"]. City will have multiple cultures as well as it's own [relatively] unique culture. City will be liberal-leaning [though try finding one that meets the other criteria that isn't]. Country is negotiable.
• Health: Won't let me become diabetic. [This can mean and includes many things, from not getting a lot of fast food with me, to helping me find a way to grade papers and work out at the same time. I don't know exactly what yet. He just won't let it happen. And yeah, okay, we're tapping into one of my greatest fears here, but that's another post] Won't let himself become diabetic either.
• Time: Largely wants to function as a unit outside of work (ie, go do stuff together with either block's groups), but wants to plan the unit's time. Plans can be simple (Netflix and delivery) or elaborate (concert and new dining place), but if plans are made for that night those plans are not broken. If no plans are made, block can make non-unit plans without warning and other block cannot get upset. Thinks creating a Google Calendar for blocks' schedules is actually a good idea.
• Marriage: Wants to eventually. Mainly for tax purposes. Only after already living together. Not in a church.
• Religion: Either isn't religious, or doesn't try and convert me. Doesn't expect me to attend services, but always invites me. Doesn't expect me to strictly observe any religious holidays, but does expect me to be respectful and helpful for his. Isn't opposed to attending celebrations for other religion's holidays (ie, attending a Passover if the partner isn't Jewish).
• Bonus Points Given For Physical Appearance: Taller than 5'10", dirty blonde hair, exceptionally well groomed facial hair (if any, no full beards), no 6-pack or beer gut (firm to squishy, but no rock hard or jiggle, savvy?), does not wear obvious athletic shoes unless exercising. None of those are requirements. No one will be eliminated based on them. It's just an ideal that I want to make note of. Just like I hope some guy is making note that they want a curvy, small waisted, brown haired, blue eyed, 5'6" girl who hardly ever wears make-up. Or, you know, maybe just a few of those.

It is different than I wanted before, but I think the biggest changes were the additions. I more closely examined what I want out of a relationship. It isn't just a list of likes and dislikes; now it's a more comprehensive "let's compare outlooks on life and see if we're compatible." Which is as it should be. I know what I need to be happy in a relationship and this list includes that.

I'm actually really nervous about publishing this list, but I've had it sitting here largely unchanged for the past 6 months so I think that speaks to its accuracy. Plus I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately (I tend to do that around finals) so what the heck, perfect timing, right? Oof. Here goes.

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Diabetic

My mom is diabetic. She's struggled with it. A lot. The first Halloween after she found out was really difficult for her because basically her first doctor was like "No more sugar. Ever," so she saw all these treats tempting her but she couldn't have them. We used to have ice cream for dessert every night and suddenly that was gone from the house because Mom couldn't handle it. She was given an assortment of pills and when we moved to Indiana that assortment increased and kept increasing until she stopped taking them. What little weight she had lost came back on at least twofold. My dad staged an intervention and used me as a crying emotional weapon to scare her back into taking her meds.

It worked for about a month. Then she went right back to not caring. I think in many ways, my mom was depressed and didn't want to seek help. But more than that, I think she was fed up of letting a schedule of pills run her life. Eventually something snapped and she started making an effort to change.

She started running. She did a 5k, then a couple of 10ks, then decided she wanted to run a marathon in Disneyworld when she turned 50. So she worked her way up, ran a half marathon before that, and ran the full marathon. It's been two years and she mostly sticks to half marathons now, but through exercise and a little bit of dieting, she is now 10 pant-sizes smaller than what she was when she was diagnosed.

My mom doesn't take as many pills now and she doesn't test her blood as often. Both her parents are diabetic too. My grandma tests her blood everyday and eats only low-fat, sugar-free foods, regardless of the chemicals in them. She takes a concoction of pills and doesn't work out exactly, but she stays active. She's doing okay for a woman over 80, though she looks frail. My grandpa doesn't test his blood and doesn't workout and doesn't take pills and snacks worse than the grandkids. He's not doing okay. His eyesight is impaired to the point he couldn't get a driver's license. He has had heart surgery. Twice. He is very arthritic.

Statistics show that I will be diabetic too. It's genetic at this point and not really related to weight, but still this belly I've grown over the past year has me terrified. My mom's been trying for the past two years to get my blood tested. I don't want to know. I don't want to be a 20something who must adhere to a doctor's diet made for overweight housewives in their 40s with disposable incomes. I don't want to be ruled by pills. Just give me my 20 more years of freedom. Of blissful ignorance.

When the fear of becoming diabetic sets in, I go into a fervor. I'll try and control my weight by either diet or exercise. Never both at the same time. I've become vegetarian and counted calories and gone to the gym everyday to do the same workout over and over. Currently it's exercise in the form of pilates and yoga and zumba. Workout without realizing you're working out. Trick your mind into thinking you're having fun. Because that's the only thing that seems to stick with me.

I've never had an issue with how I look, which seems to be the most common reason for dieting and working out. I never look at myself and think, "Oh, this is unhealthy, I should lose weight." I always think, "You're going to become diabetic sooner with that belly." It's always belly. Never cottage cheese legs, never flabby arms. Always belly. And this word that haunts me. Diabetic. I'm going to be diabetic.

It means high blood sugar and high cholesterol and clogged arteries and arthritis and amputated fingers and feet. It means I either have to become a health nut, a pill junkie or a health risk. Death has always been my greatest fear, but lately diabetes has been threatening to take over that spot. I am scared of an incurable yet incredibly treatable disease. If someone walked up to me and told me I was diabetic, I'd be paralyzed. I'd freeze and become numb, not knowing how to react.

Now, logically, I'm sure I'd have the good sense to get myself to a doctor, get a testing kit and start monitoring my blood sugar and changing my diet and maintaining an exercise routine and hope and pray that I don't have to take too many pills, but I don't want that for myself. I don't want to do those things for a disease. I want to do them for me. Because it'll make me a better person. I'm just not seeing that yet. I'm sure you guys are saying, "But if you have proper diet and exercise now you'll stave off diabetes later and that makes you a better person." My brain doesn't make the connection that way. It's the same as telling an otherwise perfectly healthy person, "Hey, exercise now and live longer." We all know it, but it's just not motivating.

Fear is motivating, to a point. Fear motivates me until I forget what I was fearful of in the first place or become so overwhelmed by it that I give up. I either see/feel results and stop making that change, or I don't see results quick enough that I stop making that change. I want to break this cycle, I just don't know how.