Total

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, it is a transitive verb and there are three definitions of the word total. The first is "to add up" as in compute. The second is "to amount to" as in number (though I think sum works better with amount to). The third is what we are concerned with. "To make a total wreck of: demolish; specifically: to damage so badly that the cost of repairs exceeds the market value of the vehicle." Again, I would make a substitution of "total wreck" to "completely wreck" but I have this thing about using the word you're defining in its definition.

It is believed that I totaled my car Saturday night around 9pm local time 6 miles from the Illinois-Missouri border heading back to college. I was 100 miles or an hour and a half away from my destination, heading back from Indiana. I said bye to my mom and dogs 10 hours before. I dropped my best friend J off at the airport 7 hours before, after getting Ethiopian food and cupcakes (Here Comes the Bride survived the wreck intact, amazingly, but I left it in the car and it got rained on and then it got hot, sorry J). I visited my second mom and her family 5 hours before and faced the inquisition about the relationship between B and I. And now my car had hydroplaned and spun off the right side of the road and was sitting facing oncoming traffic, backed up the dirt that is built up to form an overpass.

Let's get the facts you're all concerned about out of the way. Yes, I am fine. I have whiplash and a scratch on my arm and a cut on my leg but beyond that I am FINE. No one else was in the car with me. No other cars were involved. No people were hurt. No rails, poles, lights, whatever else the government would love to charge me for had it been ruined was damaged. It is just my car.

As you might have guessed, the crash was rear impact, which is why my "injuries" were so minor. My back windshield shattered, the whole trunk crunched. The airbags did not deploy. The driver side window shattered, we're not sure if it just happened or if it was b/c of my head. Either way, my glasses flew off and out. So did my deodorant, but I picked that up later (and promptly dropped it when the police pulled up b/c who wants to be caught holding deodorant while the police give you the 5th degree?). I thought I lost toothpaste, but that was just in the bottom of the bag. And my cell phone and laptop chargers were on the floor in the back so I didn't lose them either. I HAD my H&M black jacket when I left the crash sight, but it either got left at the truck stop the police dropped me off at (friends were on their way) or in the back of the police car. I also lost a debit card, but I let the bank know and closed the account the next day. So all in all, not too bad.

I mean, considering. You know. =/

I don't know if it's the racer in me, but it was really really difficult to say bye to my car. I know I'm lucky and I know it could have been much worse, but all I can think of is that I should have been able to save it. I remember thinking as the accident happened, "I got this, I got this, oop, there it goes," and then it spun. And I didn't get emotional at the wreck site or riding back to A's when it was storming or when my mom flipped out when my parents picked me up the next day. But seeing my pretty little car next to mangled hunks of metal and thinking, "Oh, she's not too bad, I'll get her back," and then having the tow guy tell me the rear axle is broken and it's probably totaled? Yeah, I started crying. But it's stupid because I know a car is just a possession at the end of the day. It wasn't near as severe as losing a person or an animal, but on the other hand it's not as mild as donating your favorite stuffed animal or toy from your childhood. The only thing I can think of that's comparable is if you ever did something to break your laptop and it couldn't be fixed but even then, that's not quite the magnitude. I don't know, maybe it's just me because I have connections with cars since I'm weird like that.

It's ironic that I was talking to B the week before saying in my family we run our cars into the ground before getting rid of them. I was telling J just a day or two before that though I plan on keeping my Mazda 3 until after college, my next car would have to get at least 40mpg because gas prices are bound to go up, though I hope not too much before they can create a fuel efficient car that's about as zippy as mine. Let's see if they have.

A Miss on the Radar

 Question: does this scream lesbian to you?

Because apparently to the gal working the Steak n Shake drive-thru it does. And to a female couple walking around Walmart.

But what is it about the outfit? Fedoras were once considered kind of "lesbian fashion" but every female (and a bunch of hipster male) celeb and their mom has been seen out in a straw fedora in the past couple of years. Plaid shirts, those too are lesbian fashion? Whoops, someone forgot to tell American Eagle, Hollister, Macy's, Guess, etc for the past 3 years. And it's not just that popular stores are producing these fashions. It's the way they do it. Sure, my plaid shirt is felt and rather quiet tones, but it's super fitted and show-y which makes it more "straight girl fashion." And sure, "femme" is a type just like "butch" is a type but "femme" lends itself more to 50s and 60s and pin-up. Which I'm not doing. And wanna guess the lower half? Not baggy jeans and Converse - had I done that maybe these looks and flirts would be warranted. But skinny jeans and boots.  Super tight skinny jeans! Like I struggle to get them down when going to the bathroom tight! And my loverly grey boots with heels.

I don't have much of a radar. I mean, I dated someone who's more attracted to men than women and had no clue until the relationship was falling apart. I've been friends with people for months before they're like, "Oh hey, I'm (not hetero)" and I'm floored. But I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

On one hand, I think it's nice that I define people by their personality as opposed to their sexuality. And sexuality isn't something that concerns me too much. No, that's false. I'm interested in sex, and I'm very interested in how people come define themselves as sexual beings, but I'm not much concerned with knowing which team they bat for. So. It's good that I don't have a radar because it forces me to like people for other reasons? Something along those lines? (Can it really be that simple?)

But on the other, it's awkward to join a group of rugby girls and get hit on for a couple weeks and not realize it. Back when I started playing, I wondered about my coach for a few days when someone randomly mentioned her wife. And I was like, oh, that's simple, it really should have been obvious to me before. But then I started wondering about the other girls. And sometimes it became obvious because of their relationship history. So and so used to date her over there but she's bi now and they hate each other and those two right there have been dating for almost a year and the girl that's telling you all this, well she's the only other straight girl on the team (but hey guess what, she's bi now XD). I feel like life would be easier if I knew everyone's bunk buddy gender preference because then I could read their intentions a little better. Like are they being nice to me because I'm a new teammate, because they want to hook up with me or because they actually think I'm a cool person. (Probably a combination of the first two, most likely not the last one.)

And I'm completely ignoring transgender and those who have little interest in sex and a bunch of other categories and that's not necessarily cool either. But, and this might be a little rude, I feel like it's rather easy to identify a transgendered person. And someone who isn't interested, well can't a friendship develop just fine anyway?

I still feel like I should try and develop a gaydar. Not because it will be terribly important to have, but because I people watch enough that it would add to the accuracy of my statements. XD (Calm down, I'm mostly joking people!)