Anger

Rargh. I had a pissy post about why relationships, no matter what kind, suck and the various ways in which they suck but then I realized that I'm just grumpy because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Take that in whatever way you please. I'm not spilling all the beans here.

What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?

At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.

I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.

And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...

If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.

Skiing

I started skiing when I was 3 years old. That could be true. I'm not sure when I started skiing exactly. I just remember that Dad always said he pulled me out of the ski school at Squaw to teach me to ski because apparently they weren't doing it right.

So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.

I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.

I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.

So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.

My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.

I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.

Summer

Last summer was a total failure for me, and this summer is shaping up to be much the same. I don't think I'm going to Japan. It's mostly my fault, but I still hold that the professor did not let me know he was actually running the program this semester like I asked until less than a week before the application deadline. And that's really not long enough to get a letter of recommendation. Especially from a Japanese professor b/c you have to be all formal about it.

Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.

"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.

"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.

So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.

Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.

So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.

Creative Writing

I might have mentioned that I'm taking a creative writing class. If I haven't, I've surely meant to and I've certainly enjoyed it.

Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.

I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.

My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.

Uh. What?

Yay Democracy!

It's been a while since I had to hold my tongue in Comparative Politics. I usually don't mind speaking up, but right now I really really really am struggling to not jump out of my seat yelling about the failures of the US promoting democracy.

She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.

I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.

I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.

Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.

Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.

Failure

There are some days when you look at the people around you and you think you haven't done much with your life. I'm having one of those days.

It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.

I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?

I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.

JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.

Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.

It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.

Anyone else get like this sometimes?

Crush

I've been struggling with this post for a long time, but I'm just going to write it and get it out there and whoever reacts to it can react to it. For about the past year I've had a crush on someone, even though I'm in a relationship. I'm told this is natural, but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think telling K would make me feel any better, because I am sure he does not have a crush of his own. Maybe it's my certainty that he does not experience the same problem that makes me feel so guilty about it.

I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.

Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.

K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.

Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.

You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.

I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.

So what do I do about this crush?

"Come home. The house is on fire."

Those are the first lines of an article in Skiing Magazine about a skier's house catching on fire. The author (and the author's wife) had time to go in and get things because the firefighters brought the fire under control. She got her passport and grandmother's jewelry. He got his passport, hard drive and ski boots.

I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)

If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.

No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.

Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD

Just for Men!

Centrum commercials need to be banned from the airwaves. Their "Just for Men" campaign is driving me crazy. Duct tape is just for men. Razors are just for men. Wrenches are just for men. Recliners are just for men.

Totally.

I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!

Yeesh.

Sweatshirt

I have a lot of hoodies. And now, more recently, I've been acquiring a lot of jackets. But there is one sweatshirt that I will never part with, and I just realized why.

It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.

The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.

It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.

It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.

Those People...

We all have them. It's a new semester. You have new classes with new people. And in every class, there's that one person you don't know, but you're interested in them. Whether they have cool shoes or brightly colored hair, or act like they're from a certain part of the country, or remind you of someone you once knew, or just someone really nice. You want to get to know them. Sometimes they don't reveal themselves right away, and usually by the end of the semester you're just down to one. I think I already have my one.

Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.

I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.

Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.

I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?

Crowded Busses

I don't mind taking the bus to campus. It's convenient and usually fairly quick. It's cheaper than a parking pass too. And reliable.

But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.

Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.

I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.

I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.

The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.

I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.

Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.

Things to come...

I had a post here that bitched about my younger brother getting treated less strictly than I did at his age. I took it down. The topic is old and cliche and I could do a far better job of creatively talking about this subject when I have had a decent amount of sleep and am not writing immediately after an offense has occurred.

So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD

I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.

Ok, that's all! Night!

RAWRGH

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore and it's really annoying. I keep putting off applying for Ball State because I'm not sure I can get what I want from them in just 3 years. Stupid advisors are full of crap. Not able to tell me more information my butt. You got it, you just don't want to share it with someone who might not go there.

In fact, NO ONE, not even advisors at Mizzou, is giving me any decent information so I can't choose classes for next semester and it's really really really stressing me out. I have 12 credit hours just full of crap. I'm taking Japanese language and that's all that matters in my course load. The rest are all classes that would be good if I stayed at Mizzou, but I'm not. So why am I enrolled in those classes? I should just take a bunch of random classes that make me happy. Like a freaking photo class. But can't get into those until you take intro art classes. Like drawing. B/c I need to be good at that to take decent photos. Of course! That makes perfect sense!

I need to apply. Really. It's past their priority deadline according to the website but I know I read somewhere that for transfer students it wasn't until February if you wanted to transfer in the fall. Contradictions everywhere I tell you.

I'm just in a bad mood. It's the weather I tell you. Single digits just don't agree with me.

Christmas Services

Honestly, it bugs me that not all Christmas services have a shit ton of singing. For the second year in a row I've allowed myself to be dragged to the church that K's family attends. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind going to church. I just prefer song based services. In fact, I haven't been to a service outside of that church that isn't song based. And for someone who is rather openly agnostic, I've been to a good handful of churches. Almost 10.

But CHRISTMAS services? Those had damn well better be song based and you better be singing the songs the people who go once a year know otherwise you'll have a service where only the choir sings. And at K's small church where the choir is only 4 people...you don't want that. I understand there are some songs that only the choir sings, and that's cool and they're rather fun to listen to. But cater to the people who only go once a year otherwise they won't go anymore!

I think it's probably b/c K's church isn't Methodist or some other rather lax/chill church (as far as Christian churches go - like you'll really find a variety of religions out here. sects yes, religions no). Yeah, I should have gone with my Dad and brother to church. Or to just some really really big one.

Meh, just some late night ramblings when I really should be sleeping. Cheers.

Winter Update

I don't really know what else to call this besides winter update. I guess it really should be winter break update, but I'm too lazy to change it. I'm almost too lazy to go back and correct myself if I don't capitalize or miss an apostrophe or something right now. Or change the phrasing. That should have been "right now i'm almost too lazy to..."

And I just got too lazy. Expect this post to be error ridden. I'm too tired to care.

K's family met my family today. I had very very low expectations and they were exceeded so that was nice. K had higher expectations so he spent the rest of the night kind of upset. Almost forgot I don't use names here. Whoops. Had to go back and correct that. Darn it.

Spent the weekend bouncing back and forth between my family and K's extended family - party after party. I got presents though, which was really cool and unexpected. I probably haven't said this here, and probably shouldn't, but i love his extended family. Kinda don't care about his immediate family. That's really mean, but it;s true. It's ok though I think. I excuse it saying he doesn't care too much for his family too. I think he just hides it like I do. I don't give a crap about my family until someone starts "attacking" it. Then I get all P.O.'ed (*cough*Jknows*cough*). K gets that way too. If i say something that's kinda out of line, he gets all quiet with me and his replies are shorter. It;s weird.

I think all my errors are ; instead of ' and not capitalizing my i's. meh.

OH, I got a Canon point and shoot. Very happy with it so far. Powershot, some lengthy model number that I don't care about. It's black and slim and lightweight and performs better than the Sony Cybershot which was really the only other competitor b/c everything else was too thick. It's a point and shoot. I don't expect much. Oh, and its not a touchscreen back which makes me happy b/c I worry about messing up settings. Though they make them really idiot proof these days. Though there was a lady who got talked into buying a Canon with a huge zoom (and almost got talked into getting a DSLR) when all she really wanted was a Sony for the style. She had a Coach bag, some designer coat, and a very current Blackberry. Yeah. Damn Carmelite housewives. Making me wait almost 20 minutes so I could get my hands on the Cybershot to compare. Then the guy working cameras didn't even pay attention to me. Lucky for me, K used to work there (Best Buy) so got one of his sales friends to help me. Probably would have left if I didn't have so dang many gift cards to use there.

I'm rambling. Sorry. It's late and I don't really have any point to this post, I just feel guilty for not updating since before finals.

OH. I passed my Japanese class. And I still got above a 3.0. I can't explain how afraid I was of those two things not happening.

And K and I are taking a cruise + mini vacation. He goes to interview with Garmin the 29th in Kansas City (pretty cool, let's just be upfront about that) and then we drive to his aunt's in Georgia the 31st and then to Ft. Lauderdale the 2nd to leave that afternoon on a Caribbean cruise. Not looking forward to the sunburn, am looking forward to be somewhere warm and exploring new sights. Then back to Purdue the 10th so K can be at school the 11th. I'll probably hit up Ball State the following week to bother the advisors who aren't giving me the info I want. =) And my battery is almost dead and i don't feel like plugging in my computer so thats all for tonight. It's enough info to keep you all in the loop.

God my camera's sexy. It's black and has as many megapixels as my Nikon, did you know? Amazing little sucker. =3

Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Day

I couldn't have been more than 8 years old when I met my dad's good college friend's kids. Family was the same as ours, just a year later. Married a year later, had kids a year later, had kids in the same order. The young boy taught me that little chant that is today's title.

People expect me to be happy. Not L-standard happy (similar to Z-standard happy, if some of you can remember way back to those days), but to be reasonably happy no matter what. But that's not always how I feel. And I'm trying to wear my emotions on my sleeve these days. I used to hide them all the time, but that's really not too healthy. So I'm being more transparent. But it seems to be bothering a few people close to me. They aren't really used to me being down sometimes. They're used to me being the cheerleader, not the one needing the cheerleader. I used to bother other people for that.

Not every day in my life can be a happy joy day. But the people who are learning that are taking it rather well and I think they'll be there for me in the future. It's not a happy joy day today, but there will be some soon.

Make Me Happy!

Just really quickly, let me get this out.

If I say I want information about the program before I decide to transfer do NOT email me back saying to contact you after I have transferred. I want help making the decision, I want information about what I should do to prepare to transfer into your program and I want this before I'm there. There aren't any legal issues surrounding advising me and really, if there were, I'm someone who is interested. Very much so. There's a bit of gray area so you should be fine. Make me happy!

That's just one of three so hopefully the others will be...kinder. Not pleased right now.

(Ab)Normal Sports

I know I don't look or act like it, but I've been an athlete for the majority of my life. But most people don't consider the sports I participated in to be real or normal sports. Which is usually fine to me. Until tonight. But let me give you an overview first.

I started ice skating at 3 years old. By the time I was 9, I had worked my way through half of the Freestyle levels. Though I am in no way associated with this rink, their site gives a decent enough explanation of the levels: http://www.chaleticerinks.com/skilllevels.htm. I had completed Freestyle 4 and was working on 5. Dance step sequence is just footwork, so ignore that. I couldn't get the Lutz. I had mastered the Axel (I can still do it too, though I do the Flip more often) and was close to getting the Camel - I didn't have quite enough flexibility, but was working on that. At 9 years old. I was at the point where I would have to choose if I wanted to seriously pursue ice skating as a career or just be content where I was.

I chose racing instead. So began my trek through a completely male dominated, aggressive sport so unlike its feminine predecessor. I started out racing quarter midgets when I was 10 years old. When I was 13 I placed 2nd in my class, nationally. I was the only girl in the top 10. The guy I lost to now holds the record for most national championships in quarter midgets. I am not ashamed. Plus, the trophy is still taller than I am. Oh, and I beat my brother. Yeah. That rocked. The next year my brother and I moved into micros, called mini sprints in some parts of the country. Like Indiana where we moved when I was 16 so my brother could pursue racing. Micros race on dirt and are fun, but it's definitely a stepping stone level. Since I was 16 I could race a kind of car called a Kenyon midget. It's on asphalt. After racing on dirt for 3 years, I really liked it a lot more than racing on asphalt. I did about 10 races before deciding to leave that car in the shop for my brother to take over when he turned 16. I went back to racing micros until we sold my car summer after I turned 17. Next year would be my senior year of high school and I had decided to focus on newspaper and yearbook. Turned out pretty well...have a few awards b/c of it.

Anyway, that started my two year period of not having a sport. I wanted to join a skiing club at college, but after a bit of research I realized they really only planned one trip a year to Colorado during winter break and that's just boring. What would I do? Go to meetings with a copy of Skiing magazine and fangirl over the pictures? Oh, and I'll book ski trip on my own, thanks. That's what I did, actually, with my boyfriend. We took a trip to CA over winter break and spent half of it skiing. And almost went to CO on the way back to ski. Almost. I think we just should have stayed in Park City, Utah where we stopped for dinner, but hey, past is past.

This year some issues with the student run newspaper photo editor led me to search for an activity to get me out of the house. I saw a rugby booth. I'm now on the back line for the rugby team and I won't bore you with a recap of that b/c you all should have been reading my rugby updates.

As for the story, I went to a friend's study group tonight. She and I hadn't spent much time together this semester and I needed to get out of the apartment. She worked on math while I reviewed for my Journo final. A guy started talking about how he only likes normal sports like football and basketball and volleyball and soccer and baseball. He says ultimate frisbee is stupid. This makes my friend a bit mad as she played in HS and her first year of college. She asks about other sports, like rugby. I look up and raise my eyebrows. The guy says that rugby players are fatasses. I scoff and say, "Excuse me?" "Well all the rugby players at my high school were fat losers." "And all the women were lesbians." (This from a different girl.) I stand up and look down at my shirt. "Well, I don't think I'm a fatass, though I'm far from perfect shape. I'm also fairly certain I'm not lesbian since I've been in a committed long distance relationship for over two years with a man. And though not 'normal,' rugby players make football players look like pansies." "Don't compare rugby players to football players, just don't." That came from my friend. I about lost it there. "How would you know what rugby players are like? You didn't come to a single one of my games, though I invited you to each one." "Yeah, well I can't drive on account of being blind and all." "Chris said he'd drive you. So did my dad." "Well I was busy that time." I said nothing more and left less than 5 minutes later.

My sports might not be normal, but they deserve respect. Every sport deserves some sort of respect. Ice skating and gymnastics and cheerleading take grace and dedication and repetition. Racing and bowling and ping pong take arm strength and hand-eye coordination. Rugby and soccer and ultimate frisbee take overall strength and running ability and teamwork. Some are normal. Some aren't. But they're still sports. The players are still athletes.

OH! By the freaking way. Rugby is an Olympic sport again. Football fanatics can stick that in their respective pipes and smoke it.

Ghosts and Dreams

I am one of those people who doesn't normally have realistic dreams. I have these weird dreams about wars that start out as just some teens messing around with nerf guns and bows with fake arrows that turn into elaborate schemes to get me to stay in dreamworld. Or dreams where I'm a tomb raider who runs into a Pokemon smuggling ring with a Yoshi who helps me rescue them. Or a Men in Black training camp that gets invaded by a grandmotherly alien handing out Mickey Mouse lollipops. Sometimes I'll have dreams that start and end in the real world, but all the action takes place in a video game. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where I go over to a friend's house to play video games only to get sucked into that video game and spit out just before it's time for my mom to take me home.

Yeah, I know. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm crazy.

So a relatively normal dream is welcome every once in a while. Dreams about me going back to California and spending time with friends. Or graduating from college. Or going to a party. And nothing abnormal happens. No wars break out, no one tries to trick me into staying in the dreamworld, there are no Pokemon or video game characters. Now, I'm not saying that these dreams are realistic. People don't act quite like they should and every once in a while there will be someone from Indiana in a Missouri dream. Or this one, where I have three from Missouri and a ghost in a California dream.

I don't mean ghost in the typical sense, I mean a ghost from my past. This person is very much alive in the dream and in real life. But I don't talk to them anymore. They have no business being in my dream and they don't quite fit with the rest of the characters. Yet, the ghost was still in my dream.

I was going to tell the dream here but it's too difficult without giving away identities. Plus I can't tell dreams in one straight shot, I need people questioning me for details otherwise I leave stuff out. Just know this: I've got this ghost floating around in my head all because of this stupid dream and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know of a way please let me know.

Skeleton Keys

This is how my thought process works.

Boy: "So then they stick the skeleton key in..."
Girl: "Ew, stop, I don't like scary movies."

I think skeleton key. Oh, Mario Party item. Now what did it do? Oh yeah, reach a door and it unlocks it. But they were talking about sticking a key in someone. How's that for bad innuendo? Heh, I'll stick my skeleton key in you baby, unlock your...wait a minute. Stick a key in someone...unlock their death...CABOOSE! "Or...maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick it in someone...it unlocks their death!"

So now I'm thinking about Caboose and giggling my ass off, wanting so badly to play Halo.

Yeah. I think I might know what Caboose's world is like. I have fun here too. XD

I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking

That's one of the few lines I can understand in my new favorite song. Video can be found here for The Kooks' song Naive.

But I really did have more reason to pick that title. K is a good boyfriend in that he knows that I don't like asking. It doesn't matter what it is really. I don't like asking him to pay for me (we do this thing where generally I buy if he's at Mizzou, he buys if I'm at Purdue but sometimes I forget and I say I'll pay him back and I'm not really sure if I actually do...). I don't like asking for a hug unless I have a reason. But it applies in a broader sense too. I don't like asking for extra dressing to go with my order. In fact, I can barely order at restaurants because I dislike asking people to get food for me. And that's the waiter's job!

K surprised me by sending me my favorite chocolates. It's kinda ironic that he did now because I was going to bring some back for him when I go to CA for Thanksgiving...so that would be next week. Haha, talk about bad timing. It's ok, I'll just have to figure something else to get him. I'm really looking forward to going back actually. I get to spend time with my favorite cousins and the rest of the family. I'm not too sure who all is going to be there, but it's sounding like it'll be a big family reunion of sorts so that'll be fun.

Getting back on topic, I guess the asking thing depends on if I'm asking for something or just asking a general question. Because I can ask questions. I question nearly everything. I'm really good at that. Or am I? Recently I've had a few questions floating around in my head that I'd like answered, but I don't think I can ask them because of the possible consequences they might have. So what do I do? Do I keep waiting until I forget them? Or do I plunge right in and deal with the aftermath that I create?

"Just don't let me down." I wish it were simple. Yes is good, no is bad. The way these questions tend to be, either answer is at least partially bad, neither really stands out as the wrong answer, the answer that would let me down. Maybe I'll wait until each person I have a question for approaches me with one of their own. That seems safe. It also seems unlikely that I'll ever ask my questions.

The One

This has been something that has been in the back of my head since I started college and it's about damn time I got it out.

I don't have a best friend anymore.

I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?

I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.

I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.

I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.

Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.

In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.

I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.

Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...

Rugby 5

Our last game of the season was this Saturday against Truman State. It was a home game, so that was nice, we had a bit of an advantage, and a lot of people and friends came out to see us play. My brother and dad came down to watch as did two of my apartment-mates and some of their friends/family. Needless to say, I had a big crowd there to cheer me (and of course the team) on.

So you can imagine my disappointment when I don't go in the first half.

Or the second.

I look around and I'm one of two people who hasn't gone in. I pull the other girl off to the side and ask her when she thinks we'll go in - this is unusual, switches regarding the back line always happen at half (or if someone gets hurt). She shrugs and seems rather nonchalant about it. But I'm pissed. I have 6+ people here just to see me play. Yes, that sounds selfish, but half of those drove 6 hours and got a hotel room at an inflated rate (or got poor sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sorry K!) and dragged their butts out in semi-cold weather at 11am to see me. Let. Me. Play.

We scored a try not more than 5 minutes into a 30 minute half (rugby halves are usually 40 minutes long, I'm not sure why we only played 30) so I ran out onto the field to give people water. One of our captains sees me and asks if I've gone in. I shake my head no and continue handing out water. She notices the other girl who hasn't gone in yet and asks the same question. She must have received pretty much the same answer because that's when I hear a rather loud "That's bullshit!" I turn around, slightly concerned, going to tell her it's ok, I'm sure I'll play a bit later, but she's already almost face to face with our coaches.

I think I might have a new favorite person on the team. XD

I finish my water-girl duties (giving water to teammates on the field pretty much falls on the rookies who aren't playing that half) and the second I get off the pitch (field) the back line coach tells me to replace someone. She doesn't look happy about this. Come to think of it, she really hasn't spoken to me much the past two weeks which isn't a good sign (I have no clue what I did, I swear). But whatever, I go out on the field to replace one of the wings.

I get the ball three times. Though I don't assist any tries, each one is a solid carry before getting tackled (okay, more like thrown to the ground, my body is pretty sore still). That means I didn't pass the ball, I just got it and well...went forward with it. I didn't break through their defense, but I moved the ball forward and didn't make us lose control of the ball anytime. Well, ok, the ref called me for hands in the ruck, which means I put my hands on the ball again after I let go of it but I didn't think I had really let go of it yet sooo....whatever. One of the vets came over and said that was a bogus call so that made me feel better about what I already thought.

We won the game. I finally got the hang of what I was supposed to be doing. It was a really great way to end the season. I kinda wish we had one more game, or maybe another week of practice, because I think that we would be really productive coming off of a win like that, where everything just seemed to click. But oh well! Time to turn into a vegetable again! XD Not really. This has inspired me to be more active so I'm going to try and run more and stuffs like that. Which will help me stay in shape for rugby in the spring, yeah, but it does nothing to help my skills which is my issue (read: cannot tackle to save her life). Any volunteers to be my practice opponent? I promise it doesn't hurt too much after the 3rd or 4th time... =D

How do you like them apples?

So we finally started talking about illegal immigration today in Journalism. It's really easy to see who is from the border states, particularly Texas and California, compared to the inner states. I'm really tempted to just raise my hand and ask how many people like strawberries. Would they like to keep purchasing strawberries for reasonable prices? They're already kind of expensive. Imagine doubling that. At least. Now think about any other fruit you might obtain from any Southwestern or Western state.

Wanna get rid of those illegals now?

You're Leaving?

That's what everyone says to me when they hear. It doesn't matter if we're good friends or teammates or just a random bunch of people stuck together for a group project.

Then they say what I want to do is great. Which I appreciate. I can hear that they mean it. They respect my decision and don't think I'm someone who can't make up their mind, as I sometimes find myself thinking.

But the first thing they say. You're leaving? How could I leave Mizzou? One of the best journalism programs, probably the best public journalism program. An amazing Japanese program that I've learned to love with all my heart. How could I leave?

It's going to be so difficult. I love my classmates, especially in Japanese related courses. M and C crack me up every lit class. T is a lifesaver on quizzes. Another T keeps the mood light on rough days in language. M is always kind and able to give advice when it comes to journalism. D is a little firecracker. B and D (both Ds actually) are a bit odd, but always willing to fill me in if I miss a class. A and T provide eye candy on dull days and have such enjoyable and friendly personalities that you just want to always hang out with them.

I wonder what I am to them. This girl who isn't so great at the language, but understands the culture and literature fairly well. I'm shy in language, but I don't hesitate to speak up in any other class. I can crack jokes on the spot with C and A about the two people towards the front of the class in lit, but if you put a story in Japanese in front of me it'll take me twice as long as the rest of the class to read it. Despite all this, I feel like I fit in. I know I do. We created a family. I don't know how I'll leave.

And next year...there was so much to look forward to.

I would have many shared classes with B who would be returning from a year in Japan. We only met last semester, but I think we became decent friends. Next year we would both be in Japanese 4!
I would get into my sequence for photojournalism and finally start working for the Missourian!
I would actually matter and find my place on staff.
I would begin to make a name for myself as a sports photographer.
I would take writing and literature classes to start my English minor.
I would finally be getting what I want from college!

...how can I leave that?

I don't even know what I'll be walking into when I go to Ball State. What if they don't have a family? What if I lose mine? I'm not ready to do that.

But am I forgetting the whole reason I want to transfer? I want to teach. I want to be the English teacher I had in 10th grade. I want to challenge every other English teacher I had from 7th grade on. I want to make my Carmel Journalism and Japanese teachers proud I was their student. And if I stay at Mizzou I can't do that.

So...yeah. I guess I'm leaving.

Three's a Crowd

Warning: Long post ahead. It's a good one though. I think.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I want it to go after college. I'm not sure I really want to be a big time journalist. I really like the no-pressure environment of high school photography. I would be perfectly happy covering local news. I used to think that I couldn't be happy unless I was covering a big story. I don't think that matters anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd rather teach.

But I'm not giving up my Photojournalism degree to do so. Nor do I want to get rid of my Japanese degree. So the simple answer is to just add a teaching degree, right?

Wrong.

Education degrees are a pain in the ass. You have K-12 education degrees, elementary education degrees, secondary education degrees, special education degrees, counseling degrees. Not to mention subject specific degrees - English, History, Journalism, any foreign language you could imagine, any science, the list goes on.

So, as it is in my case, if you want to teach journalism or English or perhaps a foreign language you need a degree for Journalism Education and English/Language Arts Secondary Education and a Japanese Education degree. Oh, plus it would be a good idea to keep that Japanese major since you want to know about the culture too. Oh, and you might want to add an English major...the curriculum for the English Education degree gets you 80% there anyway. So that's already 5 majors. Do you really want to keep that journalism degree?

And that's where my dilemma starts. Well, no. Actually. Let me back up.

Mizzou only offers that English/Language Arts degree. It has nothing, not even recommendations, for what courses you should take if you want to teach Journalism or a foreign language. I don't think it's too much to ask that they provide something like that for students. Unless they just don't teach journalism or foreign languages at their high schools. When I spoke to an advisor in the Education department, she told me that I could receive accreditation for teaching those subjects after I graduated. At the very least I would have to take (and pass) a test. I imagine it would include taking a few more courses through some government teaching instruction center.

So that's the first part of the dilemma. I can't get what I want at Mizzou. Even if I just did three majors - Photojournalism, Japanese, English/Language Arts Secondary Education - I would be staying in college for 5 years, at least. And then it would take me a while to get accredited in what I want. And even more time to get approved for teaching in other states (the advisor claims this isn't as hard as it sounds, that I just tell the college to recommend me for teaching in whatever state and it happens, but I seriously doubt that).

So to solve this dilemma I look to transfer. Ball State University is one of those "up and coming" colleges. I strongly considered it before finally deciding to attend Mizzou. Actually, no, that downplays it. I initially wanted to go there more than Mizzou. I loved the campus and how things worked there. It has a strong Journalism school and a great Education program (at least in Indiana) and, as an added bonus, has a Japanese major. In fact, you can even major in Japanese Education! The opportunities for major combinations are astounding to me! I could get a Photojournalism degree, a Journalism Education degree, an English/Language Arts Education degree, a Japanese Education degree and a Japanese degree! And since a few of those are rather related...it's not unreasonable to think I could do that in 5 (total) years.

But then I have to consider all of this on a larger scale. Not just the next few years, or until I graduate college, but my life overall. Do I want to be a photojournalist or do I want to be a teacher? Well, both. I think I'd like to work for a local newspaper until I'm ready to have kids (marriage is assumed somewhere along the line before that). When the kids are, let's say, 5 to 7 I think being a teacher is a good idea. But wouldn't it be better to just drop the photojournalism aspect and just teach? A large part of your career is establishing yourself. If I apply for a teaching job more than 10 years after I've graduated, despite the fact that I have a teaching degree, people will look at me and wonder what on earth makes me think I'm a good candidate. I have no experience. After 10 years. No one is gunna want to hire me.

So I think, after talking at length with family, I've finally reached the decision that I should drop my photojournalism degree but take as many photojournalism electives as possible. I'll get majors in Japanese Education, Journalism Education, and Secondary English Education. Probably an English minor and a Japanese major will go along with that. I hope to accomplish this all in 5 years with one summer abroad in Japan (b/c I want to, damn it).

And I will get these from Ball State.

Rugby 4

We got our butts whooped over the weekend. 6 - 89. We never scored a try (touchdown for those non-rugby term inclined folks), only two kicks (field goals). But hey, they're like the only NCAA Division 1 women's rugby team in the Midwest (being used as a very general term, extending from Ohio to Oklahoma) and we're a club sport. We don't have a real coach. Or a dedicated pitch (field). Or freaking locker rooms where you can't wear spikes. I dunno. I overheard a vet telling another vet that we'd turned them down to play for the past 4 years. Now I know why.

One thing that bothered me a lot in game was that we stopped caring after a certain point. Girls stopped chasing people or trying to tackle them and didn't give 100%. One time I tried to chase a girl down and I left my spot to do so. I'm a wing so that means I'm the last person on one of the sides. I have to make sure no one gets by me on the outside b/c no one else will be there to stop her. I understand the importance of this and try my best to stay there. But when the person with the ball has broken through our defense and none of her back line is following her through us she isn't going to throw it back to them and get it out to the edges. At this point I think it's ok for me to run and try to tackle her, or at least get a hand under the ball to prevent her from scoring (to get a try in rugby you must touch the ball to the ground, not just get it in the scoring area like football does with touchdowns). As I was running (and catching her) a teammate yells at me to stop and get back to my spot. So I slow down and jog over to the rest of the team (we gather in the try zone while they attempt for a 2 point kick). I tell the girl that yelled at me that no one else was chasing the girl that scored so I had to do something. She says I never would have caught her. I say at least I tried. Our scrumhalf hears us at this point and yells at us to not talk to each other like that and apologize immediately. I do so and receive a less than sincere apology from the other girl. The whole situation makes me mad. The person who scored wasn't remarkably fast, she just broke through. She wasn't too close to me but I was sprinting towards her and probably would have caught her as she tried to score. I could have interfered, I could have stopped this girl from scoring. And I didn't because someone yelled at me to get back in my place.

It makes me mad and it's been about five days. Saw the girl who yelled at me at practice the other day. We had to work together to do a drill. I was less than pleased. It's really a shame too b/c at practices before this we got along well and were often put in lines together during games. Now I want very little to do with her.

Practice actually went really well yesterday. We did a lot of new drills and everyone who showed up was really into it and worked hard. I got nice and muddy and was thoroughly tired after just an hour of practice. It was just a really good practice overall. I had lost faith in the team after the way I was treated over the weekend but this practice really lifted my spirits.

Rugby 3

Since my last post I've been to a tournament and a game at home. We've won 3 of 4 games and are looking forward to playing Topeka this weekend...whom we've never played. It's unclear if this is because they didn't have a team before now or we just have never played them. Regardless, I'm glad it's at home instead of being there. That will give us a bit more confidence.

Ok, aside, the people sitting in front of me as I type this on the bus are really disgusting. It's a bus and they're all over each other. Cut. It. Out.

Anyway, back to rugby talk. The tournament was fun. I played two halves, just like all the other rookies. I was on wing, which I like...except for the whole trying to balance being on offense and defense. You see, as wing you have to be there for your teammates when they're bringing the ball up the field but you also have to be the last line of defense on the side when you're trying to defend your goal. So you end up running all over the place. Go up, shift right so you're closer to your teammates. Shift left since now everyone is over here. Run up with the ball, stay on the pitch, don't get knocked out of play. Go back, defend the goal, shift left, shift right, shift left FASTER. Then you're facing 3 girls any of whom could rush you at any time and the rest of your team is on the other side of the field. Your goal is to stop the ball, but they have a huge advantage just by sheer numbers.

The game was ok...we played down to their level so we were sloppy and terrible (hey, just like the people in front of me!). We still won though.

Practice has been tough. I messed up my ankle a while ago and I subconsciously changed the way I run to do so. This ended up hurting my upper leg...which takes longer to heal. So I have issues running. We did sprints and ran more than usual at practice yesterday and as a result I've been limping all week. At least we didn't run the mile like we were supposed to yesterday.

Well that's all the rugby news I've got. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm on cough meds and taking cough drops like candy. I can't think. You're really lucky you got that much out of me today.

Speaking Up

I am taking one journalism class this semester. It is titled Cross Cultural Journalism. So far we have focused mainly on race and how to avoid making assumptions when reporting. It's almost like sensitivity training, but for reporting on "hot topic" issues. Race, gender, class, etc. The professor encourages us to speak up and voice our opinions, but I've never found a reason to. Until today.

There was a story in what looked to be a more modern style college newspaper that he posted on the screen. The headline said something about immigrants struggling to go to college. The deck (or secondary headline or the other words before the story or whatever makes sense to you) was two parts The first: cost - some immigrants send money back to their families find it difficult to afford college. Then the other: financial aid - illegals are not eligible for scholarships.

Of course, none of this is verbatim, so please don't think that it was quite as un-PC as I was, but it was pretty darn close. Anyway, what really got the class talking was the large photo beneath both of those. A Mexican student (he identified himself as Mexican in the caption below the photo) taking notes in a Geometry class. That's it. That's all it was. But the class went on a field day.

Since the photo was so close to the two words immigrants and illegals, the assumption that will be made (worst case scenario, of course) is that this student is an illegal immigrant. The students started going off on how the photographer should have taken a photo of something else. Then I realized something.

Just change the layout. Move the two decks to below the photo and split them up so they hover over their own story. Put a small graphic in the middle (perhaps some statistics) so there is a solid division. It's very common in "180" reports or in sports stories where one simply reports on the most recent game and the other is some sort of interest story about the team.

That layout would work perfectly here. It would break up the word "immigration" and "illegals" perfectly. They would no longer be associated with each other. The intent of both articles would still be intact and everyone could shut up about it being the photographers fault. The photo is just a student taking notes. Holy crap, scandalous! But my classmates just went on and on about the quality of the caption and the intent of picture and despite my raised hand, I never got called on. I am very tempted to email the class and spam their inboxes being like, "Look. It's the stupid page editor's fault. The editor didn't see those two words as an issue. If she just did (insert what I said above) everything would be fine. Stop yelling at the photog. They usually aren't to blame. 'Go take a picture of this student.' The result? A decent photo of the student where you can see his eyes and most of his face and goes along with the story. It's not our fault there's a headline up there. 'Go to this rally.' The result? Shots of people worked up about something, most likely with signs. It's not our fault the signs aren't PC. It's a rally. You want drama, you want polarizing statements."

Rawr rawr rawr. I really just wanted to say that because I know a few photographers in the room were thinking it (god, our professor singled us out so much today). It just seems unfair. Photos are what grab people's attention. Why don't we get more respect?

Racing Worlds

On Mondays and Wednesdays my class ends at 3:15. If I am one of the last to leave class and walk slowly I make it to the bus stop at 3:20. The bus pulls up mere seconds before I arrive. I get on, find a seat and wait for ten minutes before it pulls away and takes me back to the apartment complex. During these ten minutes I watch people from behind my polarized sunglasses.

I am usually entertained by sorority girls outside the window. They gather by the bus in a group of five or more, talking animatedly. I don't know what they're saying so I usually make up stories in my head so long as they correspond with their hand gestures. Sometimes I'll see some odd sights. Like one time a girl tried to get on to the bus but the doors were closed. She was so embarrassed she waited for a later bus, I think. Or some guys tossing a football back and forth on their way to the field by our rec center. One didn't aim too well and someone not in their group caught it. And then started running. So the group ran after him. That was a bit strange.

Today my interest was piqued by someone who got on my bus. I didn't pay too much attention to him, simply shifted my bag so it wasn't in his way as he walked down the aisle. He had a faded light blue shirt on with an equally as faded decal on the left where a pocket would be. In yellow to large letters. GT. In black type. American. In italicized red cursive. Simply Fast! It was only a glimpse, so I wasn't too sure about the American and Simply Fast!, but I saw the GT and enough similar letters to have an inkling I was right. I turned around to see the back of his shirt. Had he been wearing his backpack like a normal person, I wouldn't have seen the confirmation I needed, but his backpack was slung from his right shoulder exposing the same, albeit larger, decal on the back.

The same chassis I used to race! In quarter midgets my family was very close to the then owners of GT American. I wondered how he came to have this shirt and what it meant to him. I wondered what his story was. How much we would have in common. Here's the thing though. I couldn't reach out to him.

Racing is touchy. For some people, once they leave the sport, they never look back. What if this kid didn't like racing anymore and was only wearing the shirt because he liked the color and it was laundry day? What if he was a different person now and didn't want to be reminded of when he raced? Sometimes kids only race because their parents want them to. Sometimes they are forced out of it because their parents want something else for them.

I know half of you are going, "What? You were just scared. Next time talk to him." But that's the thing. If he were still in racing, wouldn't he have worn other racing shirts? And since I take this same bus every Monday and Wednesday, wouldn't I have seen him wear a racing shirt before? I recognized his face, once I looked. Wouldn't I have caught a glimpse of him in a different racing shirt on one of the other buses I take? There's a reason we stop wearing racing shirts. Once you leave that world, it's really hard to go back. Especially when someone you don't know comes up to you and starts tearing into that world. You have your friends in school, your friends in your neighborhood, your friends in racing. When you try and mix them...it's like oil and water. And then imagine a stranger coming in and trying to find out about that world. It's not something you can just go up to someone and ask, especially if they seem like they're trying to hide it.

I usually only wear racing shirts at the race track or to sleep in, but come winter I pull out my Tulsa Shootout hoodie and wear it like a second skin. It makes me wonder what will happen the first chill. Since I'm displaying it a little louder, will he notice and approach me? Or will I have my sunglasses on, pretending to be in my own little world, pushing him away?

Relationships in College: Part 2

I don't understand the draw of the friends with benefits. Well, ok, I do, but I don't see why anyone would want that. To me it seems like it would just lead into a big bad mess and you lose someone who was a friend or someone you could have had an actual relationship with.

But it seems that being friends with benefits is the name of the game these days. A and J, who used to date claim they are just friends now, but they are always all snuggley and holding hands. (update on that situation: A and J had a fight apparently over the friends with benefits situation. They are no longer friends.) R found a nice boy named P and almost started dating him until she figured out all he wanted was sex. So they stopped seeing each other...for all of a week. He's over right now. They're locked in her room. K recently broke up with her boyfriend and has been going on a lot of dates, but seems to like this one boy that she knew before...

What is the appeal of that? Just having someone familiar? Why not just causally date then? It's not a bad thing to be boyfriend and girlfriend, especially if that's what you want (in R's case, and in K's case too). You don't have to get all formal and serious about a relationship. It'll last a month or so and you can move on to the next one. Just for propriety's sake...say you're in a relationship! It's not that bad I promise! Well...no, let's not go there, my relationship issues have nothing to do with turning a friends with benefits situation into a casual relationship.

I dunno...it just kind of bugs me, I guess. I can see these girls, even if they aren't my friends, getting hurt. They put themselves in these situations and I can see how it's wrong or it's not what they want, but they do it anyway. I want to help but I don't know how to. Any advice? Should I just butt out?

Apartment Advice

This year instead of living on campus I thought it would be a brilliant idea to live off campus to save money.

I started off working with E and her friend. We looked all over for 3 bedroom apartments that fit all the meticulous requirements E laid out for us. One week before we are supposed to go visit our short list of options, E says that she has talked it over with her parents and decided she shouldn't live off campus. That leaves me with her friend who I don't know and wasn't that into it to begin with...so we abandon that attempt.

I talk to my old roommate, A, to see what her plans are. She's been working with B. They didn't have a set plan yet, but figured they would get a house instead of an apartment. So I join the group, as do R and N. N later drops out because he has joined a frat. Since there are now 4 of us, we look at 4 bedroom apartments. Again they must meet a list of requirements. We find a good variety of apartments. However, due to A's inability to pay for anything more than 300/month, we end up at Campus View. We sign the leases without even taking a tour.

Summer starts. I try and get a hold of B to wish him happy birthday. I call back a few times over the next week, but he never answers. Finally, B calls me back. He has been kicked out of the university because his grades last semester were terrible (for various reasons: a death in the family, a two week illness and him slacking off after that). He can't live in the apartment anymore. We contact N who's been searching for a place to live. He agrees to take the place. This is where the trouble begins.

N parties and smokes. He also wanted to have a dog and a 5th person live with us. All these things violate the lease. After much drama (read: me putting my foot down) N decides to move out, along with R. Well, R doesn't move out...which causes the apartment to turn it into an all girls apartment.

Looking back, it didn't turn out that bad. R doesn't hate me anymore and K is really cool (the other girl they placed with us). A is actually the problem now since she has a cat and a lizard and two fish. Well R is a bit of a problem b/c she doesn't clean up after herself too much, but I cut her some slack b/c she works almost full time and is taking 15 credit hours.

I had a point with all this somewhere. Oh yeah. Don't try and find an apartment with people you don't know too much about. And even if you think you know them pretty well, they will mess something up. Guaranteed. I think if I live off campus next year that I will get a studio. I don't mind paying almost double the rent if it means I get to live the way I want. Tentatively I am hoping to live with L and K and a different E, but a lot of that is hinged on if K gets into law school at our university and if E is able to transfer. So we'll see. I'm keeping living alone off campus as my main choice.

Rugby 2

Here's how I'm going to be doing this. Obviously, rugby will be very important to me from now on since I've decided to join the team and all. If you want regular posts, I'll still do those, but rugby has the potential to be my main topic from now on. I'll keep the titles as Rugby followed by a number. If it's a game, I'll follow that by a dash and "Mizzou v ___" or "___ v. Mizzou" depending on who is home.

Summary of Saturday's clinic: We did drills for an hour and a half before finally taking a water break. I think about half the people there got dehydrated - I know I did. I also got a minor concussion and took a few balls to the stomach (some people have bad aim...or I ran faster than they were expecting) and have a few bruises on my right arm. Oh, and I'm still pretty red and my face is peeling and I look lovely. Especially right now since I haven't put lotion on in a few hours. Nice. I didn't scrimmage b/c I felt like crap. I got the concussion, sat out for a couple of minutes, got back up, got in the drill and took a ball to the stomach. Excellent. We do a few more drills then go to lunch. I decide I'm fine to keep playing, and a few other veterans are like "ehhh....ok...." (one's majoring in physical therapy...she said I was fine but recommended that I sit out). Not long after we get back we start these weird running drills where we're just constantly running. It's 1pm and it's hot. We do that for about 30 minutes, non-stop. We get water. We go back and we start doing one-on-one tackling drills. That's when the headache hit and I just backed off after that. Drank 2 liters of water, didn't pee (yeah, that's called dehydration). Still had a headache. Got up, walked around, tried a few drills, still had a headache. Then they decide it's time to scrimmage. I sit out. By now one of our coaches(/player? not too sure yet) has called it quits too so she and I walk up and down the sidelines, following the play and she explains anything I have questions on. A good day for rookies, a boring day for veterans.

Tuesday's practice was ok until we decided to do a skeleton scrimmage. A skeleton scrimmage is where the bare minimum of players is on the field. Usually about 15, which is really the size of only one team in an actual game. In practice (so far) we play two hand touch or if you hear a whistle, you have been tackled. So at first I was on defense. On defense you need to stay in a flat line so there are no gaps created so a runner can't get through. We couldn't do that. When we switched to offense, I was outside center. (Need a visual? Hit up wiki - just google "rugby positions") I was the third person to get the ball. The second person is the inside center and the first person is the flyhalf. The centers rotate around the flyhalf who directs the plays. There are two wings who stay on their sides. We ended up being to the left of the flyhalf most of the time. The flyhalf and the wing on the left side were veterans and but the rest of us were rookies. I was the only rookie who attended the clinic on the line so the others kind of had no idea what they were doing. This was very evident when the inside center decided to play more where the outside center should. When the wing would tell her to move, she would get so close and so flat that the flyhalf would complain and she would move back so she was almost next to me. I'm not sure what she thinks she was doing, but she made me so frustrated. We could not move the ball forward at all b/c she would be so close to the flyhalf that we would have a forward pass which is illegal or she would be so far away the flyhalf could barely get the ball to her (or she was terrible at catching). I ended up taking the ball at one point and the wing and I kept tossing the ball back and forth to help move it forward. Wings don't do that. They're supposed to be given the ball when the defense has been drawn away from them. Wings just get the ball and sprint up the field. That's it. They catch, they aren't supposed to throw. But we did and it was the most our team moved the ball. Grah, it was so frustrating, I can't explain. And if I tried to take her spot b/c she would be where I was supposed to be she would yell at me, "You're supposed to be on the other side of me." "You're supposed to more over here, get here and I'll move back there."

Ok, I'm done ranting. It was a crappy practice, but now I know who I can't work with. It's unfortunate b/c when she's not in "game," that girl is good at catching and throwing and working on a team and moving around, adjusting to the situation. She's just not good there. Tomorrow will be better. We're supposed to start actually tackling each other in game now.

Ed-jew-ma-cation

It really pisses me off when people pronounce education like that. I mean really pisses me off. It's not like anyone really says it that way. You aren't making fun of anyone by saying it that way, you just sound like a douche. Anyway, I just wanted to have a good title. Onto my real topic.

I decided to double major on a whim. I had my major and three minors, but wanted something that wouldn't make anyone who read my resume be like, "What was she thinking, taking three minors? They certainly don't make her look appealing for this job - she can't make up her mind! I bet she still has no clue what she wants and only picked this major because she thinks it's easy to take photographs. NEXT!" And yes, I have pictured people thinking that when I show up for an interview.

So I decided to turn Japanese into a major. I got that all organized. I met with my new adviser for International Studies. Then I decided I was going to graduate in 3.5 years, not 4. That was kind of insane. But even now, I still could do it. I could still make it work. It would be difficult and what not, but hey, it can be done!

But it won't. I'm going to double major in 4 years and maybe get a minor. Not sure. Or I could just stay a few more years, get a major in teaching. Pff, might as well go to Ball State for that. I'm diverting from where I thought this post would go, but that's ok. It makes for a better post anyway.

I'm finding that I'm not entirely certain in my major. Well, no. I love journalism. I want to take photos. We got that part down. My Japanese major is just convenient, but I have this lingering desire to teach at the high school level. Preferably 9th or 10th grade (honors) English or some sort of photography or journalism. But I need a totally different major for that. And I can't get a teaching major with my other majors b/c they don't allow that here. So I'm kind of considering transferring to Ball State in Indiana...? I considered going there my senior year. They have Japanese and are strong for journalism and have a really good teaching program as far as Indiana goes. And overall they're a cool school. More liberal artsy than Mizzou, still decent sports teams (where did they come from last year in football man? daaaang) and I absolutely love their campus. I'd be closer to home and closer to friends. I know some people from HiLite (younger than me) who decided to go there, and even one who is double majoring in journalism and Japanese. I could be happy and finally shut up this little voice in the back of my head. And I would be totally set for life job wise. Hey local newspaper, need a photographer? Sure! Hey local high school, need an English/Photography/Journalism teacher? Sure! Hey random business company, need a Japanese translator? Hell yes!

But then there's the flip side. I think I only want this because my mom's mom was a teacher and my mom was a teaching major but she only taught for a few years before realizing her mom forced her into that. I don't have the forcing into that, yet I still have the desire. But I'm a lot like my mom and I don't think I would have the patience for teaching. And what the hell would I do in college for 6 years? Yeah, I think that's what it would take to graduate with all that. Maybe 5.5. I don't know. And transferring universities? What if I regret it? What if I get there, start my teaching courses, and then figure out I hate teaching?

I probably won't change majors anymore. If I still have a strong desire to teach after I graduate, I'll figure out a way to make it happen. Let's work with what I have now though. Photojournalism, Japanese, English/Art minor. Sounds good. Seems fun, right? I think I might take an Art class next semester just to do ceramics. I've always thought that would be relaxing. We'll see. Too far off to really know.

Rugby

I am far too tired to think of a decent title or edit this before posting. So, without further ado, I bring you rugby. Women's rugby to be exact. Of the Mizzou variety.

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I have no clue.

It all started at the beginning of the school year. I work for the student newspaper and every year we have a new photo editor b/c they move on to other publications (aka, ones that the Journalism school forces you into by requiring you to take a certain class). For unknown reasons, the editor and I are not "chums" making it rather difficult to enjoy taking pictures of the few assignments I have received. So I started looking for other activities to fill my time. A few friends and I were going to take a hip hop class, but opted for Zumba instead. That was fun the first time. Then we never went back. Granted, school keeps me pretty busy, but I did want something to get me out of the apartment. Fallout 3 helps keep me entertained, but I come off as an anti-social just keeping myself in my room all the time.

So that led me to the student activities fair on Wednesday, two days ago. It's just a whole bunch of tables set up in one of our open areas (we call it Lowry Mall. A quick google search revales there is a building named Lowry Hall right next to Lowry Mall. Who'd've known?). All the clubs and non-live-in sororities/fraternities and other activities on campus have a table or booth. And a few food places give out free food if you wait in a line. They run out too quickly for it to be worth it though. Anyway, I was just passing through and I happened to see rugby. "Oh, Dad played rugby in college," I thought as I walked on by. Then I realized it said women's rugby. And the girls sitting behind the table weren't the "I'm going to kill you b/c I'm so tough" kind of rugby players. So I turned around. The girl sitting there was like, "Wait, you just walked by." "Yeah, and I turned around. How intense are you guys?" "Oh, not at all. Like, we're competitive, of course, but you don't have to know anything before you play." "Nothing at all?" "Nope, we'll teach you. It's easy once you kinda understand it." "Okay." So I put my name and email down, picked up a flyer for an ice-cream meeting that afternoon.

Trust me, I am just as surprised as you are.

I went to the meeting at 5pm. I left at 6pm. That left me a day to decide if I should go to their practice. I needed to go to Walmart. If I decided to go, I would pick up a mouth guard while I was there. I knew at practice they would be running a mile to start off. I didn't know anything beyond that. I didn't know what position to expect to be put on, if there were cuts, if I would get any time on the field even if there weren't cuts. Against my better judgment, I picked up a mouth guard.

Let me tell you one thing about mouth guards. Molding them is a pain in the ass. And don't believe the bullshit "it won't burn," because it does. You boil water, take it off the heat for 30 seconds, drop your guard in for 30 more seconds, take the guard out (with a spoon? I used a fork), shake excess water off (impossible w/o getting the guard stuck to other parts of it) and stick it in your mouth to mold it for a minute. About 25 seconds in you're in pain. Both times I took mine out at 30. Then you put the guard in cold running water. I dunno...it seemed to work. I wish the fit were a bit tighter, but I'm used to retainers and the like so I expected this to kind of be like putting your teeth in the gel the orthodontist uses to make molds and it would like shooooop to your teeth (that's my suction cup sound there guys, shooooop). You braces kiddos know what I mean. It's not like that. I can't describe how it is, it's just not that.

Practice is like 2 minutes away from my apartment. We started off by doing a few stretches and tossing the ball around, introducing ourselves. About a third of the people there were rookies which was pretty cool. I think everyone but me brought water. Oops. Actually, I was surprised that I even brought my running shoes to school. And a couple of workout t-shirts. I do need to go out and get a water bottle and a few sports bras though. By tomorrow. But I'll talk more about that later.

So we run the mile. I haven't run a mile since sophomore year. I didn't take any physical education junior or senior year. I went speed walking around the indoor track a few times and swimming once. I went to a Zumba class once this year. I sweat like a pig and was sore for 3 days. I ran the mile in 8:04. That's about as fast as I was 20 pounds ago (maybe more, but I don't think I've grown more than a few inches since then so I think this is about right). And like I said, I had no water and it was hot. I didn't push myself at the end b/c I simply couldn't but I am really really proud of myself. And it's not like we ran on a track, we were on gravel. Yeah go me. One of the fastest rookies and most of them were all, "Yeah, I played soccer/softball/basketball/cheerleading (wtf? now rugby? really, who am I to judge? ice skating to racing after all)/cross country/some combination of those." I kick ass. I am so proud of myself. I don't know how better to express it.

After that it was mainly passing drills until we divided into forward and backs. I just kind of sat there with a couple other rookies until one of the coaches sized us up and told us which ones to go for. Contrary to what you might think, the backs handle the ball the most. We move it up the field and pass it to each other and score. Yeah, we're cool. I expected to be a forward since I consider myself pretty tough and like, "rawr, I'm strong, I will intimidate you, rawr rawr," but I rather like being what most people would consider offense. We don't really have offensive and defensive teams like football...rugby is more like soccer in that aspect. Oh, and you can't throw the ball forward, you have to throw it backwards. You can kick forward though. Anyway, I'm getting off topic (it seems the sugar is finally kicking in). I'm a back. I want to be inside-center or outside-center. They don't call the plays but they move around the most and make sure the play is happening like it's supposed to.

I'm going to a rugby crash course clinic in Kansas City tomorrow to learn the basics of rugby. It's from 8am to 6pm. I'm looking forward to it, but I think I'm going to die about noon. We kind of scrimmaged toward the end of practice and once it got to be 7pm, my body shut off. I was playing wing so I wasn't really needed, but it was like I just forgot to be part of the team and just stood there, kind of following after the ball, but never moving closer to it. Ok, time for homework before going to sleep early. Maybe I'll play some Fallout 3 to wind down too. I'll also try to update this more, I know I've been really bad about that. I have 3 half written drafts that I should just finish and publish, but I'm so tired right now. Maybe Sunday...