It's been a while since I had to hold my tongue in Comparative Politics. I usually don't mind speaking up, but right now I really really really am struggling to not jump out of my seat yelling about the failures of the US promoting democracy.
She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.
I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.
I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.
Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.
Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.
2.25.2010
2.10.2010
Failure
There are some days when you look at the people around you and you think you haven't done much with your life. I'm having one of those days.
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
2.09.2010
Crush
I've been struggling with this post for a long time, but I'm just going to write it and get it out there and whoever reacts to it can react to it. For about the past year I've had a crush on someone, even though I'm in a relationship. I'm told this is natural, but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think telling K would make me feel any better, because I am sure he does not have a crush of his own. Maybe it's my certainty that he does not experience the same problem that makes me feel so guilty about it.
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
2.06.2010
"Come home. The house is on fire."
Those are the first lines of an article in Skiing Magazine about a skier's house catching on fire. The author (and the author's wife) had time to go in and get things because the firefighters brought the fire under control. She got her passport and grandmother's jewelry. He got his passport, hard drive and ski boots.
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
2.01.2010
Just for Men!
Centrum commercials need to be banned from the airwaves. Their "Just for Men" campaign is driving me crazy. Duct tape is just for men. Razors are just for men. Wrenches are just for men. Recliners are just for men.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Sweatshirt
I have a lot of hoodies. And now, more recently, I've been acquiring a lot of jackets. But there is one sweatshirt that I will never part with, and I just realized why.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
1.29.2010
Those People...
We all have them. It's a new semester. You have new classes with new people. And in every class, there's that one person you don't know, but you're interested in them. Whether they have cool shoes or brightly colored hair, or act like they're from a certain part of the country, or remind you of someone you once knew, or just someone really nice. You want to get to know them. Sometimes they don't reveal themselves right away, and usually by the end of the semester you're just down to one. I think I already have my one.
Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.
I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.
I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?
Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.
I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.
I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?
1.28.2010
Crowded Busses
I don't mind taking the bus to campus. It's convenient and usually fairly quick. It's cheaper than a parking pass too. And reliable.
But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.
Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.
I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.
I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.
The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.
I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.
Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.
But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.
Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.
I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.
I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.
The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.
I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.
Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.
1.16.2010
Things to come...
I had a post here that bitched about my younger brother getting treated less strictly than I did at his age. I took it down. The topic is old and cliche and I could do a far better job of creatively talking about this subject when I have had a decent amount of sleep and am not writing immediately after an offense has occurred.
So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD
I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.
Ok, that's all! Night!
So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD
I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.
Ok, that's all! Night!
1.11.2010
RAWRGH
I'm not sure what I want to do anymore and it's really annoying. I keep putting off applying for Ball State because I'm not sure I can get what I want from them in just 3 years. Stupid advisors are full of crap. Not able to tell me more information my butt. You got it, you just don't want to share it with someone who might not go there.
In fact, NO ONE, not even advisors at Mizzou, is giving me any decent information so I can't choose classes for next semester and it's really really really stressing me out. I have 12 credit hours just full of crap. I'm taking Japanese language and that's all that matters in my course load. The rest are all classes that would be good if I stayed at Mizzou, but I'm not. So why am I enrolled in those classes? I should just take a bunch of random classes that make me happy. Like a freaking photo class. But can't get into those until you take intro art classes. Like drawing. B/c I need to be good at that to take decent photos. Of course! That makes perfect sense!
I need to apply. Really. It's past their priority deadline according to the website but I know I read somewhere that for transfer students it wasn't until February if you wanted to transfer in the fall. Contradictions everywhere I tell you.
I'm just in a bad mood. It's the weather I tell you. Single digits just don't agree with me.
In fact, NO ONE, not even advisors at Mizzou, is giving me any decent information so I can't choose classes for next semester and it's really really really stressing me out. I have 12 credit hours just full of crap. I'm taking Japanese language and that's all that matters in my course load. The rest are all classes that would be good if I stayed at Mizzou, but I'm not. So why am I enrolled in those classes? I should just take a bunch of random classes that make me happy. Like a freaking photo class. But can't get into those until you take intro art classes. Like drawing. B/c I need to be good at that to take decent photos. Of course! That makes perfect sense!
I need to apply. Really. It's past their priority deadline according to the website but I know I read somewhere that for transfer students it wasn't until February if you wanted to transfer in the fall. Contradictions everywhere I tell you.
I'm just in a bad mood. It's the weather I tell you. Single digits just don't agree with me.
12.25.2009
Christmas Services
Honestly, it bugs me that not all Christmas services have a shit ton of singing. For the second year in a row I've allowed myself to be dragged to the church that K's family attends. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind going to church. I just prefer song based services. In fact, I haven't been to a service outside of that church that isn't song based. And for someone who is rather openly agnostic, I've been to a good handful of churches. Almost 10.
But CHRISTMAS services? Those had damn well better be song based and you better be singing the songs the people who go once a year know otherwise you'll have a service where only the choir sings. And at K's small church where the choir is only 4 people...you don't want that. I understand there are some songs that only the choir sings, and that's cool and they're rather fun to listen to. But cater to the people who only go once a year otherwise they won't go anymore!
I think it's probably b/c K's church isn't Methodist or some other rather lax/chill church (as far as Christian churches go - like you'll really find a variety of religions out here. sects yes, religions no). Yeah, I should have gone with my Dad and brother to church. Or to just some really really big one.
Meh, just some late night ramblings when I really should be sleeping. Cheers.
But CHRISTMAS services? Those had damn well better be song based and you better be singing the songs the people who go once a year know otherwise you'll have a service where only the choir sings. And at K's small church where the choir is only 4 people...you don't want that. I understand there are some songs that only the choir sings, and that's cool and they're rather fun to listen to. But cater to the people who only go once a year otherwise they won't go anymore!
I think it's probably b/c K's church isn't Methodist or some other rather lax/chill church (as far as Christian churches go - like you'll really find a variety of religions out here. sects yes, religions no). Yeah, I should have gone with my Dad and brother to church. Or to just some really really big one.
Meh, just some late night ramblings when I really should be sleeping. Cheers.
12.23.2009
Winter Update
I don't really know what else to call this besides winter update. I guess it really should be winter break update, but I'm too lazy to change it. I'm almost too lazy to go back and correct myself if I don't capitalize or miss an apostrophe or something right now. Or change the phrasing. That should have been "right now i'm almost too lazy to..."
And I just got too lazy. Expect this post to be error ridden. I'm too tired to care.
K's family met my family today. I had very very low expectations and they were exceeded so that was nice. K had higher expectations so he spent the rest of the night kind of upset. Almost forgot I don't use names here. Whoops. Had to go back and correct that. Darn it.
Spent the weekend bouncing back and forth between my family and K's extended family - party after party. I got presents though, which was really cool and unexpected. I probably haven't said this here, and probably shouldn't, but i love his extended family. Kinda don't care about his immediate family. That's really mean, but it;s true. It's ok though I think. I excuse it saying he doesn't care too much for his family too. I think he just hides it like I do. I don't give a crap about my family until someone starts "attacking" it. Then I get all P.O.'ed (*cough*Jknows*cough*). K gets that way too. If i say something that's kinda out of line, he gets all quiet with me and his replies are shorter. It;s weird.
I think all my errors are ; instead of ' and not capitalizing my i's. meh.
OH, I got a Canon point and shoot. Very happy with it so far. Powershot, some lengthy model number that I don't care about. It's black and slim and lightweight and performs better than the Sony Cybershot which was really the only other competitor b/c everything else was too thick. It's a point and shoot. I don't expect much. Oh, and its not a touchscreen back which makes me happy b/c I worry about messing up settings. Though they make them really idiot proof these days. Though there was a lady who got talked into buying a Canon with a huge zoom (and almost got talked into getting a DSLR) when all she really wanted was a Sony for the style. She had a Coach bag, some designer coat, and a very current Blackberry. Yeah. Damn Carmelite housewives. Making me wait almost 20 minutes so I could get my hands on the Cybershot to compare. Then the guy working cameras didn't even pay attention to me. Lucky for me, K used to work there (Best Buy) so got one of his sales friends to help me. Probably would have left if I didn't have so dang many gift cards to use there.
I'm rambling. Sorry. It's late and I don't really have any point to this post, I just feel guilty for not updating since before finals.
OH. I passed my Japanese class. And I still got above a 3.0. I can't explain how afraid I was of those two things not happening.
And K and I are taking a cruise + mini vacation. He goes to interview with Garmin the 29th in Kansas City (pretty cool, let's just be upfront about that) and then we drive to his aunt's in Georgia the 31st and then to Ft. Lauderdale the 2nd to leave that afternoon on a Caribbean cruise. Not looking forward to the sunburn, am looking forward to be somewhere warm and exploring new sights. Then back to Purdue the 10th so K can be at school the 11th. I'll probably hit up Ball State the following week to bother the advisors who aren't giving me the info I want. =) And my battery is almost dead and i don't feel like plugging in my computer so thats all for tonight. It's enough info to keep you all in the loop.
God my camera's sexy. It's black and has as many megapixels as my Nikon, did you know? Amazing little sucker. =3
And I just got too lazy. Expect this post to be error ridden. I'm too tired to care.
K's family met my family today. I had very very low expectations and they were exceeded so that was nice. K had higher expectations so he spent the rest of the night kind of upset. Almost forgot I don't use names here. Whoops. Had to go back and correct that. Darn it.
Spent the weekend bouncing back and forth between my family and K's extended family - party after party. I got presents though, which was really cool and unexpected. I probably haven't said this here, and probably shouldn't, but i love his extended family. Kinda don't care about his immediate family. That's really mean, but it;s true. It's ok though I think. I excuse it saying he doesn't care too much for his family too. I think he just hides it like I do. I don't give a crap about my family until someone starts "attacking" it. Then I get all P.O.'ed (*cough*Jknows*cough*). K gets that way too. If i say something that's kinda out of line, he gets all quiet with me and his replies are shorter. It;s weird.
I think all my errors are ; instead of ' and not capitalizing my i's. meh.
OH, I got a Canon point and shoot. Very happy with it so far. Powershot, some lengthy model number that I don't care about. It's black and slim and lightweight and performs better than the Sony Cybershot which was really the only other competitor b/c everything else was too thick. It's a point and shoot. I don't expect much. Oh, and its not a touchscreen back which makes me happy b/c I worry about messing up settings. Though they make them really idiot proof these days. Though there was a lady who got talked into buying a Canon with a huge zoom (and almost got talked into getting a DSLR) when all she really wanted was a Sony for the style. She had a Coach bag, some designer coat, and a very current Blackberry. Yeah. Damn Carmelite housewives. Making me wait almost 20 minutes so I could get my hands on the Cybershot to compare. Then the guy working cameras didn't even pay attention to me. Lucky for me, K used to work there (Best Buy) so got one of his sales friends to help me. Probably would have left if I didn't have so dang many gift cards to use there.
I'm rambling. Sorry. It's late and I don't really have any point to this post, I just feel guilty for not updating since before finals.
OH. I passed my Japanese class. And I still got above a 3.0. I can't explain how afraid I was of those two things not happening.
And K and I are taking a cruise + mini vacation. He goes to interview with Garmin the 29th in Kansas City (pretty cool, let's just be upfront about that) and then we drive to his aunt's in Georgia the 31st and then to Ft. Lauderdale the 2nd to leave that afternoon on a Caribbean cruise. Not looking forward to the sunburn, am looking forward to be somewhere warm and exploring new sights. Then back to Purdue the 10th so K can be at school the 11th. I'll probably hit up Ball State the following week to bother the advisors who aren't giving me the info I want. =) And my battery is almost dead and i don't feel like plugging in my computer so thats all for tonight. It's enough info to keep you all in the loop.
God my camera's sexy. It's black and has as many megapixels as my Nikon, did you know? Amazing little sucker. =3
12.12.2009
Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Day
I couldn't have been more than 8 years old when I met my dad's good college friend's kids. Family was the same as ours, just a year later. Married a year later, had kids a year later, had kids in the same order. The young boy taught me that little chant that is today's title.
People expect me to be happy. Not L-standard happy (similar to Z-standard happy, if some of you can remember way back to those days), but to be reasonably happy no matter what. But that's not always how I feel. And I'm trying to wear my emotions on my sleeve these days. I used to hide them all the time, but that's really not too healthy. So I'm being more transparent. But it seems to be bothering a few people close to me. They aren't really used to me being down sometimes. They're used to me being the cheerleader, not the one needing the cheerleader. I used to bother other people for that.
Not every day in my life can be a happy joy day. But the people who are learning that are taking it rather well and I think they'll be there for me in the future. It's not a happy joy day today, but there will be some soon.
People expect me to be happy. Not L-standard happy (similar to Z-standard happy, if some of you can remember way back to those days), but to be reasonably happy no matter what. But that's not always how I feel. And I'm trying to wear my emotions on my sleeve these days. I used to hide them all the time, but that's really not too healthy. So I'm being more transparent. But it seems to be bothering a few people close to me. They aren't really used to me being down sometimes. They're used to me being the cheerleader, not the one needing the cheerleader. I used to bother other people for that.
Not every day in my life can be a happy joy day. But the people who are learning that are taking it rather well and I think they'll be there for me in the future. It's not a happy joy day today, but there will be some soon.
12.09.2009
Make Me Happy!
Just really quickly, let me get this out.
If I say I want information about the program before I decide to transfer do NOT email me back saying to contact you after I have transferred. I want help making the decision, I want information about what I should do to prepare to transfer into your program and I want this before I'm there. There aren't any legal issues surrounding advising me and really, if there were, I'm someone who is interested. Very much so. There's a bit of gray area so you should be fine. Make me happy!
That's just one of three so hopefully the others will be...kinder. Not pleased right now.
If I say I want information about the program before I decide to transfer do NOT email me back saying to contact you after I have transferred. I want help making the decision, I want information about what I should do to prepare to transfer into your program and I want this before I'm there. There aren't any legal issues surrounding advising me and really, if there were, I'm someone who is interested. Very much so. There's a bit of gray area so you should be fine. Make me happy!
That's just one of three so hopefully the others will be...kinder. Not pleased right now.
12.07.2009
(Ab)Normal Sports
I know I don't look or act like it, but I've been an athlete for the majority of my life. But most people don't consider the sports I participated in to be real or normal sports. Which is usually fine to me. Until tonight. But let me give you an overview first.
I started ice skating at 3 years old. By the time I was 9, I had worked my way through half of the Freestyle levels. Though I am in no way associated with this rink, their site gives a decent enough explanation of the levels: http://www.chaleticerinks.com/skilllevels.htm. I had completed Freestyle 4 and was working on 5. Dance step sequence is just footwork, so ignore that. I couldn't get the Lutz. I had mastered the Axel (I can still do it too, though I do the Flip more often) and was close to getting the Camel - I didn't have quite enough flexibility, but was working on that. At 9 years old. I was at the point where I would have to choose if I wanted to seriously pursue ice skating as a career or just be content where I was.
I chose racing instead. So began my trek through a completely male dominated, aggressive sport so unlike its feminine predecessor. I started out racing quarter midgets when I was 10 years old. When I was 13 I placed 2nd in my class, nationally. I was the only girl in the top 10. The guy I lost to now holds the record for most national championships in quarter midgets. I am not ashamed. Plus, the trophy is still taller than I am. Oh, and I beat my brother. Yeah. That rocked. The next year my brother and I moved into micros, called mini sprints in some parts of the country. Like Indiana where we moved when I was 16 so my brother could pursue racing. Micros race on dirt and are fun, but it's definitely a stepping stone level. Since I was 16 I could race a kind of car called a Kenyon midget. It's on asphalt. After racing on dirt for 3 years, I really liked it a lot more than racing on asphalt. I did about 10 races before deciding to leave that car in the shop for my brother to take over when he turned 16. I went back to racing micros until we sold my car summer after I turned 17. Next year would be my senior year of high school and I had decided to focus on newspaper and yearbook. Turned out pretty well...have a few awards b/c of it.
Anyway, that started my two year period of not having a sport. I wanted to join a skiing club at college, but after a bit of research I realized they really only planned one trip a year to Colorado during winter break and that's just boring. What would I do? Go to meetings with a copy of Skiing magazine and fangirl over the pictures? Oh, and I'll book ski trip on my own, thanks. That's what I did, actually, with my boyfriend. We took a trip to CA over winter break and spent half of it skiing. And almost went to CO on the way back to ski. Almost. I think we just should have stayed in Park City, Utah where we stopped for dinner, but hey, past is past.
This year some issues with the student run newspaper photo editor led me to search for an activity to get me out of the house. I saw a rugby booth. I'm now on the back line for the rugby team and I won't bore you with a recap of that b/c you all should have been reading my rugby updates.
As for the story, I went to a friend's study group tonight. She and I hadn't spent much time together this semester and I needed to get out of the apartment. She worked on math while I reviewed for my Journo final. A guy started talking about how he only likes normal sports like football and basketball and volleyball and soccer and baseball. He says ultimate frisbee is stupid. This makes my friend a bit mad as she played in HS and her first year of college. She asks about other sports, like rugby. I look up and raise my eyebrows. The guy says that rugby players are fatasses. I scoff and say, "Excuse me?" "Well all the rugby players at my high school were fat losers." "And all the women were lesbians." (This from a different girl.) I stand up and look down at my shirt. "Well, I don't think I'm a fatass, though I'm far from perfect shape. I'm also fairly certain I'm not lesbian since I've been in a committed long distance relationship for over two years with a man. And though not 'normal,' rugby players make football players look like pansies." "Don't compare rugby players to football players, just don't." That came from my friend. I about lost it there. "How would you know what rugby players are like? You didn't come to a single one of my games, though I invited you to each one." "Yeah, well I can't drive on account of being blind and all." "Chris said he'd drive you. So did my dad." "Well I was busy that time." I said nothing more and left less than 5 minutes later.
My sports might not be normal, but they deserve respect. Every sport deserves some sort of respect. Ice skating and gymnastics and cheerleading take grace and dedication and repetition. Racing and bowling and ping pong take arm strength and hand-eye coordination. Rugby and soccer and ultimate frisbee take overall strength and running ability and teamwork. Some are normal. Some aren't. But they're still sports. The players are still athletes.
OH! By the freaking way. Rugby is an Olympic sport again. Football fanatics can stick that in their respective pipes and smoke it.
I started ice skating at 3 years old. By the time I was 9, I had worked my way through half of the Freestyle levels. Though I am in no way associated with this rink, their site gives a decent enough explanation of the levels: http://www.chaleticerinks.com/skilllevels.htm. I had completed Freestyle 4 and was working on 5. Dance step sequence is just footwork, so ignore that. I couldn't get the Lutz. I had mastered the Axel (I can still do it too, though I do the Flip more often) and was close to getting the Camel - I didn't have quite enough flexibility, but was working on that. At 9 years old. I was at the point where I would have to choose if I wanted to seriously pursue ice skating as a career or just be content where I was.
I chose racing instead. So began my trek through a completely male dominated, aggressive sport so unlike its feminine predecessor. I started out racing quarter midgets when I was 10 years old. When I was 13 I placed 2nd in my class, nationally. I was the only girl in the top 10. The guy I lost to now holds the record for most national championships in quarter midgets. I am not ashamed. Plus, the trophy is still taller than I am. Oh, and I beat my brother. Yeah. That rocked. The next year my brother and I moved into micros, called mini sprints in some parts of the country. Like Indiana where we moved when I was 16 so my brother could pursue racing. Micros race on dirt and are fun, but it's definitely a stepping stone level. Since I was 16 I could race a kind of car called a Kenyon midget. It's on asphalt. After racing on dirt for 3 years, I really liked it a lot more than racing on asphalt. I did about 10 races before deciding to leave that car in the shop for my brother to take over when he turned 16. I went back to racing micros until we sold my car summer after I turned 17. Next year would be my senior year of high school and I had decided to focus on newspaper and yearbook. Turned out pretty well...have a few awards b/c of it.
Anyway, that started my two year period of not having a sport. I wanted to join a skiing club at college, but after a bit of research I realized they really only planned one trip a year to Colorado during winter break and that's just boring. What would I do? Go to meetings with a copy of Skiing magazine and fangirl over the pictures? Oh, and I'll book ski trip on my own, thanks. That's what I did, actually, with my boyfriend. We took a trip to CA over winter break and spent half of it skiing. And almost went to CO on the way back to ski. Almost. I think we just should have stayed in Park City, Utah where we stopped for dinner, but hey, past is past.
This year some issues with the student run newspaper photo editor led me to search for an activity to get me out of the house. I saw a rugby booth. I'm now on the back line for the rugby team and I won't bore you with a recap of that b/c you all should have been reading my rugby updates.
As for the story, I went to a friend's study group tonight. She and I hadn't spent much time together this semester and I needed to get out of the apartment. She worked on math while I reviewed for my Journo final. A guy started talking about how he only likes normal sports like football and basketball and volleyball and soccer and baseball. He says ultimate frisbee is stupid. This makes my friend a bit mad as she played in HS and her first year of college. She asks about other sports, like rugby. I look up and raise my eyebrows. The guy says that rugby players are fatasses. I scoff and say, "Excuse me?" "Well all the rugby players at my high school were fat losers." "And all the women were lesbians." (This from a different girl.) I stand up and look down at my shirt. "Well, I don't think I'm a fatass, though I'm far from perfect shape. I'm also fairly certain I'm not lesbian since I've been in a committed long distance relationship for over two years with a man. And though not 'normal,' rugby players make football players look like pansies." "Don't compare rugby players to football players, just don't." That came from my friend. I about lost it there. "How would you know what rugby players are like? You didn't come to a single one of my games, though I invited you to each one." "Yeah, well I can't drive on account of being blind and all." "Chris said he'd drive you. So did my dad." "Well I was busy that time." I said nothing more and left less than 5 minutes later.
My sports might not be normal, but they deserve respect. Every sport deserves some sort of respect. Ice skating and gymnastics and cheerleading take grace and dedication and repetition. Racing and bowling and ping pong take arm strength and hand-eye coordination. Rugby and soccer and ultimate frisbee take overall strength and running ability and teamwork. Some are normal. Some aren't. But they're still sports. The players are still athletes.
OH! By the freaking way. Rugby is an Olympic sport again. Football fanatics can stick that in their respective pipes and smoke it.
11.21.2009
Ghosts and Dreams
I am one of those people who doesn't normally have realistic dreams. I have these weird dreams about wars that start out as just some teens messing around with nerf guns and bows with fake arrows that turn into elaborate schemes to get me to stay in dreamworld. Or dreams where I'm a tomb raider who runs into a Pokemon smuggling ring with a Yoshi who helps me rescue them. Or a Men in Black training camp that gets invaded by a grandmotherly alien handing out Mickey Mouse lollipops. Sometimes I'll have dreams that start and end in the real world, but all the action takes place in a video game. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where I go over to a friend's house to play video games only to get sucked into that video game and spit out just before it's time for my mom to take me home.
Yeah, I know. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm crazy.
So a relatively normal dream is welcome every once in a while. Dreams about me going back to California and spending time with friends. Or graduating from college. Or going to a party. And nothing abnormal happens. No wars break out, no one tries to trick me into staying in the dreamworld, there are no Pokemon or video game characters. Now, I'm not saying that these dreams are realistic. People don't act quite like they should and every once in a while there will be someone from Indiana in a Missouri dream. Or this one, where I have three from Missouri and a ghost in a California dream.
I don't mean ghost in the typical sense, I mean a ghost from my past. This person is very much alive in the dream and in real life. But I don't talk to them anymore. They have no business being in my dream and they don't quite fit with the rest of the characters. Yet, the ghost was still in my dream.
I was going to tell the dream here but it's too difficult without giving away identities. Plus I can't tell dreams in one straight shot, I need people questioning me for details otherwise I leave stuff out. Just know this: I've got this ghost floating around in my head all because of this stupid dream and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know of a way please let me know.
Yeah, I know. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm crazy.
So a relatively normal dream is welcome every once in a while. Dreams about me going back to California and spending time with friends. Or graduating from college. Or going to a party. And nothing abnormal happens. No wars break out, no one tries to trick me into staying in the dreamworld, there are no Pokemon or video game characters. Now, I'm not saying that these dreams are realistic. People don't act quite like they should and every once in a while there will be someone from Indiana in a Missouri dream. Or this one, where I have three from Missouri and a ghost in a California dream.
I don't mean ghost in the typical sense, I mean a ghost from my past. This person is very much alive in the dream and in real life. But I don't talk to them anymore. They have no business being in my dream and they don't quite fit with the rest of the characters. Yet, the ghost was still in my dream.
I was going to tell the dream here but it's too difficult without giving away identities. Plus I can't tell dreams in one straight shot, I need people questioning me for details otherwise I leave stuff out. Just know this: I've got this ghost floating around in my head all because of this stupid dream and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know of a way please let me know.
11.20.2009
Skeleton Keys
This is how my thought process works.
Boy: "So then they stick the skeleton key in..."
Girl: "Ew, stop, I don't like scary movies."
I think skeleton key. Oh, Mario Party item. Now what did it do? Oh yeah, reach a door and it unlocks it. But they were talking about sticking a key in someone. How's that for bad innuendo? Heh, I'll stick my skeleton key in you baby, unlock your...wait a minute. Stick a key in someone...unlock their death...CABOOSE! "Or...maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick it in someone...it unlocks their death!"
So now I'm thinking about Caboose and giggling my ass off, wanting so badly to play Halo.
Yeah. I think I might know what Caboose's world is like. I have fun here too. XD
Boy: "So then they stick the skeleton key in..."
Girl: "Ew, stop, I don't like scary movies."
I think skeleton key. Oh, Mario Party item. Now what did it do? Oh yeah, reach a door and it unlocks it. But they were talking about sticking a key in someone. How's that for bad innuendo? Heh, I'll stick my skeleton key in you baby, unlock your...wait a minute. Stick a key in someone...unlock their death...CABOOSE! "Or...maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick it in someone...it unlocks their death!"
So now I'm thinking about Caboose and giggling my ass off, wanting so badly to play Halo.
Yeah. I think I might know what Caboose's world is like. I have fun here too. XD
11.18.2009
I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking
That's one of the few lines I can understand in my new favorite song. Video can be found here for The Kooks' song Naive.
But I really did have more reason to pick that title. K is a good boyfriend in that he knows that I don't like asking. It doesn't matter what it is really. I don't like asking him to pay for me (we do this thing where generally I buy if he's at Mizzou, he buys if I'm at Purdue but sometimes I forget and I say I'll pay him back and I'm not really sure if I actually do...). I don't like asking for a hug unless I have a reason. But it applies in a broader sense too. I don't like asking for extra dressing to go with my order. In fact, I can barely order at restaurants because I dislike asking people to get food for me. And that's the waiter's job!
K surprised me by sending me my favorite chocolates. It's kinda ironic that he did now because I was going to bring some back for him when I go to CA for Thanksgiving...so that would be next week. Haha, talk about bad timing. It's ok, I'll just have to figure something else to get him. I'm really looking forward to going back actually. I get to spend time with my favorite cousins and the rest of the family. I'm not too sure who all is going to be there, but it's sounding like it'll be a big family reunion of sorts so that'll be fun.
Getting back on topic, I guess the asking thing depends on if I'm asking for something or just asking a general question. Because I can ask questions. I question nearly everything. I'm really good at that. Or am I? Recently I've had a few questions floating around in my head that I'd like answered, but I don't think I can ask them because of the possible consequences they might have. So what do I do? Do I keep waiting until I forget them? Or do I plunge right in and deal with the aftermath that I create?
"Just don't let me down." I wish it were simple. Yes is good, no is bad. The way these questions tend to be, either answer is at least partially bad, neither really stands out as the wrong answer, the answer that would let me down. Maybe I'll wait until each person I have a question for approaches me with one of their own. That seems safe. It also seems unlikely that I'll ever ask my questions.
But I really did have more reason to pick that title. K is a good boyfriend in that he knows that I don't like asking. It doesn't matter what it is really. I don't like asking him to pay for me (we do this thing where generally I buy if he's at Mizzou, he buys if I'm at Purdue but sometimes I forget and I say I'll pay him back and I'm not really sure if I actually do...). I don't like asking for a hug unless I have a reason. But it applies in a broader sense too. I don't like asking for extra dressing to go with my order. In fact, I can barely order at restaurants because I dislike asking people to get food for me. And that's the waiter's job!
K surprised me by sending me my favorite chocolates. It's kinda ironic that he did now because I was going to bring some back for him when I go to CA for Thanksgiving...so that would be next week. Haha, talk about bad timing. It's ok, I'll just have to figure something else to get him. I'm really looking forward to going back actually. I get to spend time with my favorite cousins and the rest of the family. I'm not too sure who all is going to be there, but it's sounding like it'll be a big family reunion of sorts so that'll be fun.
Getting back on topic, I guess the asking thing depends on if I'm asking for something or just asking a general question. Because I can ask questions. I question nearly everything. I'm really good at that. Or am I? Recently I've had a few questions floating around in my head that I'd like answered, but I don't think I can ask them because of the possible consequences they might have. So what do I do? Do I keep waiting until I forget them? Or do I plunge right in and deal with the aftermath that I create?
"Just don't let me down." I wish it were simple. Yes is good, no is bad. The way these questions tend to be, either answer is at least partially bad, neither really stands out as the wrong answer, the answer that would let me down. Maybe I'll wait until each person I have a question for approaches me with one of their own. That seems safe. It also seems unlikely that I'll ever ask my questions.
11.17.2009
The One
This has been something that has been in the back of my head since I started college and it's about damn time I got it out.
I don't have a best friend anymore.
I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?
I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.
I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.
I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.
Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.
In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.
I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.
Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...
I don't have a best friend anymore.
I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?
I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.
I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.
I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.
Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.
In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.
I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.
Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...
11.16.2009
Rugby 5
Our last game of the season was this Saturday against Truman State. It was a home game, so that was nice, we had a bit of an advantage, and a lot of people and friends came out to see us play. My brother and dad came down to watch as did two of my apartment-mates and some of their friends/family. Needless to say, I had a big crowd there to cheer me (and of course the team) on.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I don't go in the first half.
Or the second.
I look around and I'm one of two people who hasn't gone in. I pull the other girl off to the side and ask her when she thinks we'll go in - this is unusual, switches regarding the back line always happen at half (or if someone gets hurt). She shrugs and seems rather nonchalant about it. But I'm pissed. I have 6+ people here just to see me play. Yes, that sounds selfish, but half of those drove 6 hours and got a hotel room at an inflated rate (or got poor sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sorry K!) and dragged their butts out in semi-cold weather at 11am to see me. Let. Me. Play.
We scored a try not more than 5 minutes into a 30 minute half (rugby halves are usually 40 minutes long, I'm not sure why we only played 30) so I ran out onto the field to give people water. One of our captains sees me and asks if I've gone in. I shake my head no and continue handing out water. She notices the other girl who hasn't gone in yet and asks the same question. She must have received pretty much the same answer because that's when I hear a rather loud "That's bullshit!" I turn around, slightly concerned, going to tell her it's ok, I'm sure I'll play a bit later, but she's already almost face to face with our coaches.
I think I might have a new favorite person on the team. XD
I finish my water-girl duties (giving water to teammates on the field pretty much falls on the rookies who aren't playing that half) and the second I get off the pitch (field) the back line coach tells me to replace someone. She doesn't look happy about this. Come to think of it, she really hasn't spoken to me much the past two weeks which isn't a good sign (I have no clue what I did, I swear). But whatever, I go out on the field to replace one of the wings.
I get the ball three times. Though I don't assist any tries, each one is a solid carry before getting tackled (okay, more like thrown to the ground, my body is pretty sore still). That means I didn't pass the ball, I just got it and well...went forward with it. I didn't break through their defense, but I moved the ball forward and didn't make us lose control of the ball anytime. Well, ok, the ref called me for hands in the ruck, which means I put my hands on the ball again after I let go of it but I didn't think I had really let go of it yet sooo....whatever. One of the vets came over and said that was a bogus call so that made me feel better about what I already thought.
We won the game. I finally got the hang of what I was supposed to be doing. It was a really great way to end the season. I kinda wish we had one more game, or maybe another week of practice, because I think that we would be really productive coming off of a win like that, where everything just seemed to click. But oh well! Time to turn into a vegetable again! XD Not really. This has inspired me to be more active so I'm going to try and run more and stuffs like that. Which will help me stay in shape for rugby in the spring, yeah, but it does nothing to help my skills which is my issue (read: cannot tackle to save her life). Any volunteers to be my practice opponent? I promise it doesn't hurt too much after the 3rd or 4th time... =D
So you can imagine my disappointment when I don't go in the first half.
Or the second.
I look around and I'm one of two people who hasn't gone in. I pull the other girl off to the side and ask her when she thinks we'll go in - this is unusual, switches regarding the back line always happen at half (or if someone gets hurt). She shrugs and seems rather nonchalant about it. But I'm pissed. I have 6+ people here just to see me play. Yes, that sounds selfish, but half of those drove 6 hours and got a hotel room at an inflated rate (or got poor sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sorry K!) and dragged their butts out in semi-cold weather at 11am to see me. Let. Me. Play.
We scored a try not more than 5 minutes into a 30 minute half (rugby halves are usually 40 minutes long, I'm not sure why we only played 30) so I ran out onto the field to give people water. One of our captains sees me and asks if I've gone in. I shake my head no and continue handing out water. She notices the other girl who hasn't gone in yet and asks the same question. She must have received pretty much the same answer because that's when I hear a rather loud "That's bullshit!" I turn around, slightly concerned, going to tell her it's ok, I'm sure I'll play a bit later, but she's already almost face to face with our coaches.
I think I might have a new favorite person on the team. XD
I finish my water-girl duties (giving water to teammates on the field pretty much falls on the rookies who aren't playing that half) and the second I get off the pitch (field) the back line coach tells me to replace someone. She doesn't look happy about this. Come to think of it, she really hasn't spoken to me much the past two weeks which isn't a good sign (I have no clue what I did, I swear). But whatever, I go out on the field to replace one of the wings.
I get the ball three times. Though I don't assist any tries, each one is a solid carry before getting tackled (okay, more like thrown to the ground, my body is pretty sore still). That means I didn't pass the ball, I just got it and well...went forward with it. I didn't break through their defense, but I moved the ball forward and didn't make us lose control of the ball anytime. Well, ok, the ref called me for hands in the ruck, which means I put my hands on the ball again after I let go of it but I didn't think I had really let go of it yet sooo....whatever. One of the vets came over and said that was a bogus call so that made me feel better about what I already thought.
We won the game. I finally got the hang of what I was supposed to be doing. It was a really great way to end the season. I kinda wish we had one more game, or maybe another week of practice, because I think that we would be really productive coming off of a win like that, where everything just seemed to click. But oh well! Time to turn into a vegetable again! XD Not really. This has inspired me to be more active so I'm going to try and run more and stuffs like that. Which will help me stay in shape for rugby in the spring, yeah, but it does nothing to help my skills which is my issue (read: cannot tackle to save her life). Any volunteers to be my practice opponent? I promise it doesn't hurt too much after the 3rd or 4th time... =D
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