Total

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, it is a transitive verb and there are three definitions of the word total. The first is "to add up" as in compute. The second is "to amount to" as in number (though I think sum works better with amount to). The third is what we are concerned with. "To make a total wreck of: demolish; specifically: to damage so badly that the cost of repairs exceeds the market value of the vehicle." Again, I would make a substitution of "total wreck" to "completely wreck" but I have this thing about using the word you're defining in its definition.

It is believed that I totaled my car Saturday night around 9pm local time 6 miles from the Illinois-Missouri border heading back to college. I was 100 miles or an hour and a half away from my destination, heading back from Indiana. I said bye to my mom and dogs 10 hours before. I dropped my best friend J off at the airport 7 hours before, after getting Ethiopian food and cupcakes (Here Comes the Bride survived the wreck intact, amazingly, but I left it in the car and it got rained on and then it got hot, sorry J). I visited my second mom and her family 5 hours before and faced the inquisition about the relationship between B and I. And now my car had hydroplaned and spun off the right side of the road and was sitting facing oncoming traffic, backed up the dirt that is built up to form an overpass.

Let's get the facts you're all concerned about out of the way. Yes, I am fine. I have whiplash and a scratch on my arm and a cut on my leg but beyond that I am FINE. No one else was in the car with me. No other cars were involved. No people were hurt. No rails, poles, lights, whatever else the government would love to charge me for had it been ruined was damaged. It is just my car.

As you might have guessed, the crash was rear impact, which is why my "injuries" were so minor. My back windshield shattered, the whole trunk crunched. The airbags did not deploy. The driver side window shattered, we're not sure if it just happened or if it was b/c of my head. Either way, my glasses flew off and out. So did my deodorant, but I picked that up later (and promptly dropped it when the police pulled up b/c who wants to be caught holding deodorant while the police give you the 5th degree?). I thought I lost toothpaste, but that was just in the bottom of the bag. And my cell phone and laptop chargers were on the floor in the back so I didn't lose them either. I HAD my H&M black jacket when I left the crash sight, but it either got left at the truck stop the police dropped me off at (friends were on their way) or in the back of the police car. I also lost a debit card, but I let the bank know and closed the account the next day. So all in all, not too bad.

I mean, considering. You know. =/

I don't know if it's the racer in me, but it was really really difficult to say bye to my car. I know I'm lucky and I know it could have been much worse, but all I can think of is that I should have been able to save it. I remember thinking as the accident happened, "I got this, I got this, oop, there it goes," and then it spun. And I didn't get emotional at the wreck site or riding back to A's when it was storming or when my mom flipped out when my parents picked me up the next day. But seeing my pretty little car next to mangled hunks of metal and thinking, "Oh, she's not too bad, I'll get her back," and then having the tow guy tell me the rear axle is broken and it's probably totaled? Yeah, I started crying. But it's stupid because I know a car is just a possession at the end of the day. It wasn't near as severe as losing a person or an animal, but on the other hand it's not as mild as donating your favorite stuffed animal or toy from your childhood. The only thing I can think of that's comparable is if you ever did something to break your laptop and it couldn't be fixed but even then, that's not quite the magnitude. I don't know, maybe it's just me because I have connections with cars since I'm weird like that.

It's ironic that I was talking to B the week before saying in my family we run our cars into the ground before getting rid of them. I was telling J just a day or two before that though I plan on keeping my Mazda 3 until after college, my next car would have to get at least 40mpg because gas prices are bound to go up, though I hope not too much before they can create a fuel efficient car that's about as zippy as mine. Let's see if they have.