And Moving On... (part 2)

I had a very lengthy two part post explaining what went down over the weekend, and then I realized I didn't want to reveal that much. Well that, and everything I had to say can be summed up in slightly less than a decent paragraph.

K first told me that I should forget about him via text. I bothered him about it until he told me he didn't love me anymore. I dealt with that, but texted him the next day because I still felt something wasn't right about the break up. It then was revealed that K cheated on me, twice, with intentions to do it again. And I don't mean drunken make-outs. This boy knew what he was doing. Sunday night to almost 6am Monday morning we talked online. It was, and will be, our last conversation.

I am okay. I am hurt, but I know nothing that happened was my fault. I do not wish K ill overall, though I have moments where I come close to hatred. I've considered escaping, getting away. But there's nothing to face. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't have any guilt, I don't have any regrets.

Hey, I told you guys this year was going to shape me. I'm starting volunteering at the Humane Society soon. I've emailed the person in charge of the whitewater and backpacking trip to see if they have availability in July. I've basically decided on Ball State...I think I have to decide to attend before they'll let me know how delayed my graduation will be. If a ton of my credits don't transfer, I'll go back to Mizzou. That is what this hinges on. I am not spending more than 5 years in college, unless I get some sort of graduate degree. Which I am not planning on.

If you have messages regarding K, feel free to email or otherwise contact me, but don't leave it in the comments. Anything else you wanna comment on, feel free. But let's not get public with the inevitable hate-fest, yeah?

Facebook First Impressions

This is why I hate Facebook. I see all these pictures of people I don't know and I make assumptions.

Like a racing family friend's son's girlfriend. I don't know her. Never will. I see the son maybe a couple times a year when/if he comes out to race. But his mom posted pictures of the girlfriend's senior prom (the son is graduated) on Facebook and I looked through them and I formed opinions of her. Very negative opinions. I refrained from clicking on her page because I fear it will only make things worse. And it would. I'd have a whole new set of opinions on this girl I will never meet. I already view this girl as snobby, average intelligence, needing a nose job, probably slutty, and annoying. And here's the thing, I can prove most those wrong right now. She's not snobby or else the mom wouldn't rave about her to my mom. She doesn't need a nose job at all. She's not wearing anything to make me think she would be promiscuous and she has been dating this boy for over a year. She's probably not an airhead b/c the boy went through his phase of those (each one lasted about 2 weeks). I can't say anything to her intelligence, though if I went to her Facebook page I'm sure I could find her college (or lack thereof) and have new opinions of her! Even if the two get married and my family is invited (as I suspect will someday happen, the families are insanely close), I probably won't attend and will never meet this girl. So why is it that I can have opinions of her just from seeing the standard photos taken before prom?

It's why I like meeting people in person much better. My brother graduated yesterday and after graduation we had a barbecue at our house. Steak, not pork - for some reason people out here think pork when you say bbq. Out West we do things up all fancy like, I guess. I digress. It was small, family and racing based. My mom's best friend showed up. My aunt and uncle were visiting. Our crew chief brought his two year old son (his wife showed up after her nursing shift). Then there's B. B is loud, loves to eat and is always telling funny stories. He stayed at our house for 3 weeks back when I was in high school. He was in the middle of choosing a school out here, racing, and looking for a house. Our family became close. B brought his friend in the same program, G to the bbq. First impression wasn't good. But I let it be pushed aside when I realized how similar he and I were. He spent the first 20 minutes at my house outside talking on his phone. Major choices aside (he's motorsports and electrical engineering, plus CS minor), he reminded me of myself. At first he was shy, let B do all the talking, but slowly broke out of his shell as we hit on topics he could relate to. The EE comment came after my brother saying he was on the robotics team for the high school. His CS minor prompted a small discussion about Mac v. Windows which led to Steam/Valve which led to should I un-partition my laptop. When he heard my brother's text alert (Navi's "hey! listen!"), he played his FFVII battle ringtone. I played my Portal ringtone. He was able to hold his own about the Gulf Coast against my aunt, who is so opinionated she drives ME crazy.

But had I just been given G's Facebook page? I totally would have brushed him off. He's friends with B which makes me a little hesitant - B is so overwhelming, someone with my personality gets freaked out sometimes. And G's page makes him look like a douche (I'm not friends with him, stop looking right now people, I'm allowed to stalk him to prove this experiment) who is just going to college because his parents made him. He likes country music, an immediate dislike in my book, and does an incredible job of hiding his nerdiness which makes him come off as a frat boy/jock.

So what do you guys think? Do you friend people you don't really know? Maybe you met at a party and talked for just five minutes and friended them (or were friended) after. Or maybe they're your boyfriend's cousin's boyfriend (true story). Do you form new opinions of them after looking at their Facebook page that you just can't drop, even if you can reasonably justify the opinions as false?

Shooting Stars

I was listening to this song while writing this post. It kinda sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I haven't been blogging. I'm really sorry. I've been uber busy. I got back from school, had half a week and then I was off to Alaska for a bit over a week. I've been back for just over half a week but it's just been a blur of laundry and racing. And now we have relatives over because my younger brother is graduating tomorrow.

Yeah, take that in for a second, some of you all have sibs graduating this year. We're old. Crap.

At any rate, Alaska was amazing. I'm going to volunteer at the Humane Society this summer for sure. It'll be awesome. I get to train doggies to be good. XD Seriously though. I do. And I get to take them on walks. Since one of my dogs is epileptic and can't really handle long walks, this will be fun for me. I might also go do this in July. If you're not bogged down with college courses, let me know if you want to do this! You can get college credit and you don't need ANY experience. It's a great opportunity if you don't have anything serious going on this summer. 24 days, rafting and backpacking. In the YUKON. Or other places. Seriously, I'm open for anything in July. I'd do this on my own, but I really really think it would be amazing to go with someone.

On the college front, I haven't decided Ball State or Mizzou yet. It's complicated and involves not just me, but other people. It's a terrible mess that I shouldn't have let my heart get involved with it, but I have and now it's taking over. I need to let my head do the thinking, like it's supposed to.

Things have been polar for me lately. One day is awesome, one day is horrible. Sometimes it just swings based on who is texting me. My parents are beginning to suspect something is wrong. How can I tell them that there is something wrong, but I can't do anything about it right now?

Halfway Gone

This has been a really challenging semester and it is easy to get lost in all that I have lost this semester. A friend. A sport. A team. A career. I feel as though I have lost half of myself.

But that ignores all that I have gained. I am coming into my own. I am not afraid to articulate what I want anymore. I am able to show my grief, to be open about my experiences. I have been broken, but I'm getting back up better than ever.

This coming year won't be easy, but I hope you'll stick with me and continue to observe me grow into who I am. It's the nuances, the details, the quirks that make life interesting. 2010 is not yet halfway done, but it's already shaped me more than any other year. I can only expect great things from the second half.

What to do When...

Your boyfriend tells you he might be bi.

DO: support and encourage him to explore his sexuality.
DON'T: break up with him.

That's what he wants me to do. Too bad I did the last one to encourage the first. Oops? More to come when I don't feel so terribly betrayed.

(morning edit: I've talked to two friends about this, and they both had very different perspectives, but they both made me feel like this was something I could handle and not drown in. You both know who you are and I just want to say I really appreciate your concern, kindness and understanding.)

Trying

I try to keep it under wraps, but I actually have pretty low self-confidence. I'd like to point out (or make the distinction or whatever) that this does not mean I have low self-esteem or otherwise think my worth is in the low-ish range. I just don't have confidence in myself. I used to take my self confidence from racing. That's a pretty empowering sport to compete in, for anyone, not just a girl, though obviously that adds to its effects. When I stopped racing, I picked up photography and was the go-to-girl for the high school newspaper and yearbook. I had people relying on me. I took my confidence from that.

So the problem comes in college. In college, everyone is self-reliant. You don't depend on others to help you or to turn a decent project into something amazing. It's all on you. No one else needs you. The newspaper is cool, but they can get along without you. Someone else will take the photo. And you don't have your "I play [enter uber cool sport here]" to fall back on. It's just you. And, at least for me, I fell apart. I got lost. I didn't have anyone who needed me to do anything for them. I didn't get praise for my work. I didn't have a source of self-confidence. And I don't think I ever learned how to have self-confidence that just generates inside me. Before racing it was ice skating and before ice skating I was just 3 years old so I didn't have that sort of self-actualization need going on. I dabble in ways to find self-confidence. But there lies another problem.

I hop from thing to thing to get self-confidence. Oh, doing poorly in ice skating? Pick up racing. Not doing well in racing? Cut back so it's just a fun thing you do when you're not taking photos for school. Don't have high school anymore? No worries, we have the student newspaper and rugby. Oh, no more time for rugby? No worries, here's the English class you're doing well in. I didn't like journalism so I turned to Japanese. Japanese wasn't going well, so I turned to teaching English. I adjusted my whole plan of study because I didn't have enough self-confidence to pursue something difficult to me. So maybe that's extrapolating a little, but you see the issue here? That actually happened. I let that happen. And yes, there were other factors, but I can't order them. I can't tell you which is more important, which is closer to the truth.

I know this though - I stop trying. If something stops working, I stop trying. If something stops being easy, I don't want to put the effort in to try to make it easier. I don't try hard enough to get internships or summer jobs. I don't try hard enough to be on the front page of the newspaper. I don't try hard enough to be great at rugby. I used to not have to try to get good grades. Then I started getting decent grades and I didn't want to try in school anymore. I don't know how to try and get what I want from life. I'm used to it just kind of falling in my lap. Not being handed to me, exactly, just more me stumbling upon it. And I took self-confidence from those things. And right now, I seem to just be stumbling around, realizing that I can't keep hoping these things will keep falling from the sky. It's a good thing to realize, but a hard thing to try and accept.

Dear Biological Clock,

Please stop ticking frantically. You have plenty of time. Stop being influenced by silly TV shows about dress shopping. I mean it! STOP IT! You forced me to switch to Comedy Central and listen to fart jokes. Yeah, see the pain you're causing me?

Listen. You are not registering at some stupid wedding planning site because it gives you access to two other sites about freaking married life. You're less than a week from 20. JUST 20. You don't need to get married right now. I know all the middle class kids are doing it, but you're not them. You are upper middle class! You graduate college before getting married. No more planning!

So, I (being your rational side) am going to cater to your desires right now. But let's think about this rationally, yes? You're in a committed relationship and it's going pretty well. So, you've got three more years of college, yeah? Then you guys can live together, maybe even before (since he only has one more year)? So that's almost 6 years together overall. Before you even graduate college. And you'll only be newly 23 when you graduate. Give it a couple of years. Mom and Dad didn't get married until 28. And they're better off than a lot of their friends who married younger. You don't want to be in the half that divorces do you? NO! DUH!

Therefore, I politely request that you. Please. Freaking. CUT! IT! OUT!

Sincerely,
The Brain

Headache

I have a headache. It's been bothering me for almost 12 hours. I've stolen medicine for it from my roommates (thanks A and R, even though you'll never know and never read this!) but it hasn't gone away.

I'm pretty sure it's because of a dream I had last night.

You see, it started off I was part of an Indy race car team. Yeah, kinda cool. Except then we turned all spy and stuff. And one of my teammates wanted to kill me so I had to hide in a bathroom in a mall and dye my hair black so they wouldn't recognize me. Yes, it was super cool. I wish I could remember more, but I don't and trying makes my head hurt more.

Anyway, so the last scene before my alarm went off (I was kinda waking up anyway) was my spy friend getting shot in the head in the back of a car. We were in the getaway car, my male friend driving, my female friend telling me to duck. Good thing I ducked, yeah? Not so much. Not only did I see my friend die, but right after that male friend either turns on me or gets killed b/c someone hit me in the back of the head. Cue alarm clock.

So here's the thing. I don't have anything hard on my bed that could hurt me. And I didn't wake up with anything on my head, like a pillow or stuffed animal. I thought maybe I hit my head against the wall, but my pillow was there.

Yeah. The dream was really a lot better than that but you know....head hurts and all. Better post after I get over this headache. I swear I'm not dead guys. Just not totally thrilled right now.

And Moving On...

I feel like this blog could, for a while, turn into a "how I grieve" blog, and I don't want that, so think of this as a moving on post. That's not to say that I won't bring it up again, but it's going to be less obnoxious. Less about my grieving, and more about that of those around me. Mainly my roommates.

At any rate, I was thinking about how easily things can be misconstrued or misunderstood, especially with people you don't really know. Three things happened today and I feel like I just made everyone around me think I was a total...well, witch...just because they took something I said or did to mean something else.

One guy in my English class sent out an email, asking that we print his story instead of him printing them for us because his printing quota was out. A fair request, except my quota is running low as well and his story was 14 pages. Yeah, not going to happen bud. I told him so (the quota, not the other sentence) and gave him three options and asked which he preferred - I could print it out but squish everything together (possibly ruining the form it was in, so it's nice to ask), I could write my comments back to him just on the document and he could read them on his computer, or I could print out my comments on a separate sheet. He was griping in class that he only got two replies to the email he sent out. One suggested he go to the library and use the printing service there. The other was just rude and unhelpful and gave him a whole bunch of different options that he didn't want. The person was just trying to get out of printing the story. He didn't understand why the person even bothered to email him back. I sit two rows over from him and heard everything. It hurt. I was only trying to help, but had to do so under my constraints too.

The second thing happened on the bus. I was sitting sideways, taking up two seats on the earliest bus you can take. It's never crowded, and today wasn't any different. There were plenty of other empty two-seat benches for this person to use, but they must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed because I was glared at and called a seat hog. I only sat sideways because the bus was no where close to full and I needed to put my laptop on my lap and do some work. It's not like they didn't get a seat because of my hoggie-ness.

The third wasn't a comment. It was a look shared between two passing students then a laugh and a slight glare my direction. Maybe I had something on my face...but I hadn't eaten anything yet, so probably not. I don't have any holes in my jeans. Were they too tight, making me have a muffin top? I did a double check. No, they were fine. Is my shirt too low? Is my bra showing? Nope, nothing wrong. I didn't have any more popped zits than usual, and none popping up. What could they have gathered from the way I looked that deserved a glare? It had to be the low shirt. It's the only thing that could be construed as offensive.

I dunno, I'm probably just being overly sensitive (it's not that time though, damn it!). Do you guys have days like that though? Where it seems like communicating with people just isn't something you should do that day? I already experienced it the night before all this stuff happened, but that was none of my doing.

Fyi, next post will be that roommate post I mentioned earlier. I think I've observed enough to write about it objectively, not just...whiney. XD

Ooze

I was searching news about Sri Lanka's parliamentary elections this morning on Google News using Google Chrome on my laptop while checking my Gmail on my Android powered phone.

And I realized it. I don't know how. I don't know when (though I can pinpoint some dates, of course). But it's happened.

I am a Google whore. I have let Google ooze into every aspect of my technological life. I'm even blogging about it on a Google powered blogging site!

I used to pride myself that I was never an Apple whore or a Microsoft whore or a Sony whore, though I've come close at times to each. But now...it's official. Google is trying to take over my life. I believe I complained about how my economics teacher said Google was being a monopoly last semester, if not here then somewhere public online. I still stand by that statement, but would like to adjust my stance. Google doesn't want to dominate one market. It wants to control our lives.

RUN!!! Run away from the ooze! (J, it's not moving slowly, this is a very energetic ooze, it'll get you too if you don't watch out.)

Daze

I go through life in a daze. One day passes, another comes. I'm just going through the motions right now. There are moments, brief, when my brain is fully functioning and aware of what's going on, but right now it seems incomplete.

Is it because roommate-K's gone? I keep having to make the distinction because I know many K's. Another one is gone too, but it's not my concern - brother broke up with his girlfriend K this week.

I slept 10 hours, but it wasn't enough. I feel like I can't pay attention in class, I can't analyize anything...or spell, apparently. It's strange, given the circumstances of her death, that I feel the best when I am around my K. It's like most of the haze is lifted and I can think clearly, I can move on with life and process other things. You can probably tell my writing isn't the same. Were I writing this around K, it probably would be, but since I'm writing it around memories of roommate-K it's really difficult to form a coherent thought.

Teachers all ask what we did over spring break. I'm not sure I want to say. I could just say I went to Salt Lake City and skied with my dad, but then I leave out the "big news" and it seems like a lie. But I don't want to really say "oh, my roommate died, so I had to cancel all my plans and come back to Missouri and drive around a lot and it sucked" because that's just so damn whiney. But it's what I feel. So I just shut up and look sad and no one bothers me.

But I don't want to be sad. I can function in the apartment, that part's not hard. It's like she's still living here, just not here ever. I had to go into her room because A put my tupperware in there, thinking it was K's. So I took some time and made sure nothing else had been put in there that was mine. Was it an excuse to see K's things as she left them? I know you're thinking it, but I don't have an answer either way. I'd say no, because it's not like I went through her things like she stole something from me. I just looked at the stuff on her bed where A said my tupperware was and made sure that there weren't any more of my things. But that would be denying that I wanted to go in there and was relieved to have an excuse and ignoring that I stood in there for 5 minutes just looking at her room.

I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm writing this. It's not like I'm having issues coping. Haha, yes I am, that's the whole reason I'm writing this. That damn daze. But is it purely because of K? Maybe it's just coming back from break and I need to give it more than a day. Maybe I should try and think of boyfriend-K more, since it seems that helps? Why would it help?

edit: must have just been that class/the morning. got outside, got fresh air, took care of self, now am in political science class and am totally focused. besides this. but just thought i should let you all know. =)

Update

I'm in Utah, skiing with my dad. We flew out yesterday morning and skied the second half of the day at Park City, where the Olympics were held once upon a time. It felt good to get out on the snow again. But I'd been up since 2:30am Utah time. And now it was 7pm. Oh, did I mention I only got 2 hours of sleep the night before? Yeah, whoops. I was tired. I slept through two text messages and a phone call. Usually even the slightest noise from my cell phone wakes me up.

I woke up this morning after sleeping almost 12 hours to a phone call. It was R, calling to tell me our roommate, K, was dead. I'd heard about people's roommates committing suicide and the university letting them get an automatic pass for the semester. I wondered if they extended that to everyone, or if you had to live in the dorms to get that applied to you. The apartments where I live are half university, I just live in the non-university half. That was my first thought. The second was speculation about how she died, which was enforced as R went on, and confirmed later when I learned the exact details of her death.

So I've been in a bit of shock. I've cried a little bit. I don't think I ever hit the denial really. I wondered if it might have been R playing a cruel joke - that was one of those early thoughts - but she wouldn't do that. I've been angry at the circumstances surrounding the death. Mainly, I just wonder why. I can't bargain, but that's okay, the Kubler-Ross model says you only need to go through two. Of the five, that leaves depression and acceptance. I think I'll be depressed when I return to the apartment - we shared a side, after all, and it'll be weird not smelling her cooking all the time. Acceptance will come after that. But I think I'm pretty okay, considering, you know? My dad was out of the room when I got the call, doing business stuff, so I called him and asked him to come back to the room, which he did. We were a little late getting to the ski resort today, but not so much that we didn't have time to hit all the runs. Called my mom, who was at the airport on her way to her sorority sister's memorial (Dad's aunt died recently too, so there's the three, in case you follow that rule).

It's weird. So many thoughts kind of run through my head, like what are we going to do about her room at the apartment, but they just flow right out. When I mentioned earlier in the post that we shared a side I thought that I'd have to get a shower curtain since we one we have was her's. I don't want to deal with these thoughts right now, but they're thoughts that seem harmless to say, they have no bad consequence, and it's hard to keep them in. But I don't want to spoil this vacation for my dad - he hasn't been skiing for 3 years, and he loves skiing. He asked if I wanted to go home, or go to the nearest airport to where she lives. How could I do that to him? On one hand, I'd like to go be around friends who knew her and celebrate her life, but on the other, I think I would be an invader - I only met her at the beginning of the school year and we only developed a friendship this semester. I'll go to the funeral or memorial, certainly, once arrangements have been made. I have a couple of people keeping me in the loop.

Skiing's been great, actually. The place where we skied today doesn't allow snowboarders, which I didn't think I'd enjoy, but I did. Instead of all these people falling all over the place, it was mainly just little kids. And you can easily avoid them b/c they're small! (I've been making mad jokes all day, forgive me, I think it's a coping thing.) We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. Estimates range from 6 inches to a foot. The storm is just hovering over the city, the mountains are probably getting snow by now. You can see them from the window of the hotel. It's funny - we stayed at this hotel when we moved out to IN from CA. Dad just booked it and when we pulled off the highway and looked around it was like....wait a second...I remember that KFC.

True story - went to a Walmart with a parking garage. Check Facebook for pics later on in the week if you don't believe it. I'll have the typical pose at the top of the mountain and take a picture ones too.

Anger

Rargh. I had a pissy post about why relationships, no matter what kind, suck and the various ways in which they suck but then I realized that I'm just grumpy because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Take that in whatever way you please. I'm not spilling all the beans here.

What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?

At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.

I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.

And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...

If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.

Skiing

I started skiing when I was 3 years old. That could be true. I'm not sure when I started skiing exactly. I just remember that Dad always said he pulled me out of the ski school at Squaw to teach me to ski because apparently they weren't doing it right.

So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.

I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.

I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.

So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.

My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.

I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.

Summer

Last summer was a total failure for me, and this summer is shaping up to be much the same. I don't think I'm going to Japan. It's mostly my fault, but I still hold that the professor did not let me know he was actually running the program this semester like I asked until less than a week before the application deadline. And that's really not long enough to get a letter of recommendation. Especially from a Japanese professor b/c you have to be all formal about it.

Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.

"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.

"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.

So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.

Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.

So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.

Creative Writing

I might have mentioned that I'm taking a creative writing class. If I haven't, I've surely meant to and I've certainly enjoyed it.

Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.

I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.

My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.

Uh. What?

Yay Democracy!

It's been a while since I had to hold my tongue in Comparative Politics. I usually don't mind speaking up, but right now I really really really am struggling to not jump out of my seat yelling about the failures of the US promoting democracy.

She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.

I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.

I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.

Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.

Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.

Failure

There are some days when you look at the people around you and you think you haven't done much with your life. I'm having one of those days.

It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.

I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?

I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.

JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.

Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.

It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.

Anyone else get like this sometimes?

Crush

I've been struggling with this post for a long time, but I'm just going to write it and get it out there and whoever reacts to it can react to it. For about the past year I've had a crush on someone, even though I'm in a relationship. I'm told this is natural, but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think telling K would make me feel any better, because I am sure he does not have a crush of his own. Maybe it's my certainty that he does not experience the same problem that makes me feel so guilty about it.

I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.

Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.

K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.

Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.

You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.

I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.

So what do I do about this crush?

"Come home. The house is on fire."

Those are the first lines of an article in Skiing Magazine about a skier's house catching on fire. The author (and the author's wife) had time to go in and get things because the firefighters brought the fire under control. She got her passport and grandmother's jewelry. He got his passport, hard drive and ski boots.

I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)

If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.

No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.

Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD

Just for Men!

Centrum commercials need to be banned from the airwaves. Their "Just for Men" campaign is driving me crazy. Duct tape is just for men. Razors are just for men. Wrenches are just for men. Recliners are just for men.

Totally.

I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!

Yeesh.

Sweatshirt

I have a lot of hoodies. And now, more recently, I've been acquiring a lot of jackets. But there is one sweatshirt that I will never part with, and I just realized why.

It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.

The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.

It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.

It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.

Those People...

We all have them. It's a new semester. You have new classes with new people. And in every class, there's that one person you don't know, but you're interested in them. Whether they have cool shoes or brightly colored hair, or act like they're from a certain part of the country, or remind you of someone you once knew, or just someone really nice. You want to get to know them. Sometimes they don't reveal themselves right away, and usually by the end of the semester you're just down to one. I think I already have my one.

Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.

I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.

Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.

I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?

Crowded Busses

I don't mind taking the bus to campus. It's convenient and usually fairly quick. It's cheaper than a parking pass too. And reliable.

But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.

Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.

I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.

I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.

The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.

I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.

Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.

Things to come...

I had a post here that bitched about my younger brother getting treated less strictly than I did at his age. I took it down. The topic is old and cliche and I could do a far better job of creatively talking about this subject when I have had a decent amount of sleep and am not writing immediately after an offense has occurred.

So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD

I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.

Ok, that's all! Night!

RAWRGH

I'm not sure what I want to do anymore and it's really annoying. I keep putting off applying for Ball State because I'm not sure I can get what I want from them in just 3 years. Stupid advisors are full of crap. Not able to tell me more information my butt. You got it, you just don't want to share it with someone who might not go there.

In fact, NO ONE, not even advisors at Mizzou, is giving me any decent information so I can't choose classes for next semester and it's really really really stressing me out. I have 12 credit hours just full of crap. I'm taking Japanese language and that's all that matters in my course load. The rest are all classes that would be good if I stayed at Mizzou, but I'm not. So why am I enrolled in those classes? I should just take a bunch of random classes that make me happy. Like a freaking photo class. But can't get into those until you take intro art classes. Like drawing. B/c I need to be good at that to take decent photos. Of course! That makes perfect sense!

I need to apply. Really. It's past their priority deadline according to the website but I know I read somewhere that for transfer students it wasn't until February if you wanted to transfer in the fall. Contradictions everywhere I tell you.

I'm just in a bad mood. It's the weather I tell you. Single digits just don't agree with me.

Christmas Services

Honestly, it bugs me that not all Christmas services have a shit ton of singing. For the second year in a row I've allowed myself to be dragged to the church that K's family attends. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind going to church. I just prefer song based services. In fact, I haven't been to a service outside of that church that isn't song based. And for someone who is rather openly agnostic, I've been to a good handful of churches. Almost 10.

But CHRISTMAS services? Those had damn well better be song based and you better be singing the songs the people who go once a year know otherwise you'll have a service where only the choir sings. And at K's small church where the choir is only 4 people...you don't want that. I understand there are some songs that only the choir sings, and that's cool and they're rather fun to listen to. But cater to the people who only go once a year otherwise they won't go anymore!

I think it's probably b/c K's church isn't Methodist or some other rather lax/chill church (as far as Christian churches go - like you'll really find a variety of religions out here. sects yes, religions no). Yeah, I should have gone with my Dad and brother to church. Or to just some really really big one.

Meh, just some late night ramblings when I really should be sleeping. Cheers.

Winter Update

I don't really know what else to call this besides winter update. I guess it really should be winter break update, but I'm too lazy to change it. I'm almost too lazy to go back and correct myself if I don't capitalize or miss an apostrophe or something right now. Or change the phrasing. That should have been "right now i'm almost too lazy to..."

And I just got too lazy. Expect this post to be error ridden. I'm too tired to care.

K's family met my family today. I had very very low expectations and they were exceeded so that was nice. K had higher expectations so he spent the rest of the night kind of upset. Almost forgot I don't use names here. Whoops. Had to go back and correct that. Darn it.

Spent the weekend bouncing back and forth between my family and K's extended family - party after party. I got presents though, which was really cool and unexpected. I probably haven't said this here, and probably shouldn't, but i love his extended family. Kinda don't care about his immediate family. That's really mean, but it;s true. It's ok though I think. I excuse it saying he doesn't care too much for his family too. I think he just hides it like I do. I don't give a crap about my family until someone starts "attacking" it. Then I get all P.O.'ed (*cough*Jknows*cough*). K gets that way too. If i say something that's kinda out of line, he gets all quiet with me and his replies are shorter. It;s weird.

I think all my errors are ; instead of ' and not capitalizing my i's. meh.

OH, I got a Canon point and shoot. Very happy with it so far. Powershot, some lengthy model number that I don't care about. It's black and slim and lightweight and performs better than the Sony Cybershot which was really the only other competitor b/c everything else was too thick. It's a point and shoot. I don't expect much. Oh, and its not a touchscreen back which makes me happy b/c I worry about messing up settings. Though they make them really idiot proof these days. Though there was a lady who got talked into buying a Canon with a huge zoom (and almost got talked into getting a DSLR) when all she really wanted was a Sony for the style. She had a Coach bag, some designer coat, and a very current Blackberry. Yeah. Damn Carmelite housewives. Making me wait almost 20 minutes so I could get my hands on the Cybershot to compare. Then the guy working cameras didn't even pay attention to me. Lucky for me, K used to work there (Best Buy) so got one of his sales friends to help me. Probably would have left if I didn't have so dang many gift cards to use there.

I'm rambling. Sorry. It's late and I don't really have any point to this post, I just feel guilty for not updating since before finals.

OH. I passed my Japanese class. And I still got above a 3.0. I can't explain how afraid I was of those two things not happening.

And K and I are taking a cruise + mini vacation. He goes to interview with Garmin the 29th in Kansas City (pretty cool, let's just be upfront about that) and then we drive to his aunt's in Georgia the 31st and then to Ft. Lauderdale the 2nd to leave that afternoon on a Caribbean cruise. Not looking forward to the sunburn, am looking forward to be somewhere warm and exploring new sights. Then back to Purdue the 10th so K can be at school the 11th. I'll probably hit up Ball State the following week to bother the advisors who aren't giving me the info I want. =) And my battery is almost dead and i don't feel like plugging in my computer so thats all for tonight. It's enough info to keep you all in the loop.

God my camera's sexy. It's black and has as many megapixels as my Nikon, did you know? Amazing little sucker. =3

Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Day

I couldn't have been more than 8 years old when I met my dad's good college friend's kids. Family was the same as ours, just a year later. Married a year later, had kids a year later, had kids in the same order. The young boy taught me that little chant that is today's title.

People expect me to be happy. Not L-standard happy (similar to Z-standard happy, if some of you can remember way back to those days), but to be reasonably happy no matter what. But that's not always how I feel. And I'm trying to wear my emotions on my sleeve these days. I used to hide them all the time, but that's really not too healthy. So I'm being more transparent. But it seems to be bothering a few people close to me. They aren't really used to me being down sometimes. They're used to me being the cheerleader, not the one needing the cheerleader. I used to bother other people for that.

Not every day in my life can be a happy joy day. But the people who are learning that are taking it rather well and I think they'll be there for me in the future. It's not a happy joy day today, but there will be some soon.

Make Me Happy!

Just really quickly, let me get this out.

If I say I want information about the program before I decide to transfer do NOT email me back saying to contact you after I have transferred. I want help making the decision, I want information about what I should do to prepare to transfer into your program and I want this before I'm there. There aren't any legal issues surrounding advising me and really, if there were, I'm someone who is interested. Very much so. There's a bit of gray area so you should be fine. Make me happy!

That's just one of three so hopefully the others will be...kinder. Not pleased right now.

(Ab)Normal Sports

I know I don't look or act like it, but I've been an athlete for the majority of my life. But most people don't consider the sports I participated in to be real or normal sports. Which is usually fine to me. Until tonight. But let me give you an overview first.

I started ice skating at 3 years old. By the time I was 9, I had worked my way through half of the Freestyle levels. Though I am in no way associated with this rink, their site gives a decent enough explanation of the levels: http://www.chaleticerinks.com/skilllevels.htm. I had completed Freestyle 4 and was working on 5. Dance step sequence is just footwork, so ignore that. I couldn't get the Lutz. I had mastered the Axel (I can still do it too, though I do the Flip more often) and was close to getting the Camel - I didn't have quite enough flexibility, but was working on that. At 9 years old. I was at the point where I would have to choose if I wanted to seriously pursue ice skating as a career or just be content where I was.

I chose racing instead. So began my trek through a completely male dominated, aggressive sport so unlike its feminine predecessor. I started out racing quarter midgets when I was 10 years old. When I was 13 I placed 2nd in my class, nationally. I was the only girl in the top 10. The guy I lost to now holds the record for most national championships in quarter midgets. I am not ashamed. Plus, the trophy is still taller than I am. Oh, and I beat my brother. Yeah. That rocked. The next year my brother and I moved into micros, called mini sprints in some parts of the country. Like Indiana where we moved when I was 16 so my brother could pursue racing. Micros race on dirt and are fun, but it's definitely a stepping stone level. Since I was 16 I could race a kind of car called a Kenyon midget. It's on asphalt. After racing on dirt for 3 years, I really liked it a lot more than racing on asphalt. I did about 10 races before deciding to leave that car in the shop for my brother to take over when he turned 16. I went back to racing micros until we sold my car summer after I turned 17. Next year would be my senior year of high school and I had decided to focus on newspaper and yearbook. Turned out pretty well...have a few awards b/c of it.

Anyway, that started my two year period of not having a sport. I wanted to join a skiing club at college, but after a bit of research I realized they really only planned one trip a year to Colorado during winter break and that's just boring. What would I do? Go to meetings with a copy of Skiing magazine and fangirl over the pictures? Oh, and I'll book ski trip on my own, thanks. That's what I did, actually, with my boyfriend. We took a trip to CA over winter break and spent half of it skiing. And almost went to CO on the way back to ski. Almost. I think we just should have stayed in Park City, Utah where we stopped for dinner, but hey, past is past.

This year some issues with the student run newspaper photo editor led me to search for an activity to get me out of the house. I saw a rugby booth. I'm now on the back line for the rugby team and I won't bore you with a recap of that b/c you all should have been reading my rugby updates.

As for the story, I went to a friend's study group tonight. She and I hadn't spent much time together this semester and I needed to get out of the apartment. She worked on math while I reviewed for my Journo final. A guy started talking about how he only likes normal sports like football and basketball and volleyball and soccer and baseball. He says ultimate frisbee is stupid. This makes my friend a bit mad as she played in HS and her first year of college. She asks about other sports, like rugby. I look up and raise my eyebrows. The guy says that rugby players are fatasses. I scoff and say, "Excuse me?" "Well all the rugby players at my high school were fat losers." "And all the women were lesbians." (This from a different girl.) I stand up and look down at my shirt. "Well, I don't think I'm a fatass, though I'm far from perfect shape. I'm also fairly certain I'm not lesbian since I've been in a committed long distance relationship for over two years with a man. And though not 'normal,' rugby players make football players look like pansies." "Don't compare rugby players to football players, just don't." That came from my friend. I about lost it there. "How would you know what rugby players are like? You didn't come to a single one of my games, though I invited you to each one." "Yeah, well I can't drive on account of being blind and all." "Chris said he'd drive you. So did my dad." "Well I was busy that time." I said nothing more and left less than 5 minutes later.

My sports might not be normal, but they deserve respect. Every sport deserves some sort of respect. Ice skating and gymnastics and cheerleading take grace and dedication and repetition. Racing and bowling and ping pong take arm strength and hand-eye coordination. Rugby and soccer and ultimate frisbee take overall strength and running ability and teamwork. Some are normal. Some aren't. But they're still sports. The players are still athletes.

OH! By the freaking way. Rugby is an Olympic sport again. Football fanatics can stick that in their respective pipes and smoke it.

Ghosts and Dreams

I am one of those people who doesn't normally have realistic dreams. I have these weird dreams about wars that start out as just some teens messing around with nerf guns and bows with fake arrows that turn into elaborate schemes to get me to stay in dreamworld. Or dreams where I'm a tomb raider who runs into a Pokemon smuggling ring with a Yoshi who helps me rescue them. Or a Men in Black training camp that gets invaded by a grandmotherly alien handing out Mickey Mouse lollipops. Sometimes I'll have dreams that start and end in the real world, but all the action takes place in a video game. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where I go over to a friend's house to play video games only to get sucked into that video game and spit out just before it's time for my mom to take me home.

Yeah, I know. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm crazy.

So a relatively normal dream is welcome every once in a while. Dreams about me going back to California and spending time with friends. Or graduating from college. Or going to a party. And nothing abnormal happens. No wars break out, no one tries to trick me into staying in the dreamworld, there are no Pokemon or video game characters. Now, I'm not saying that these dreams are realistic. People don't act quite like they should and every once in a while there will be someone from Indiana in a Missouri dream. Or this one, where I have three from Missouri and a ghost in a California dream.

I don't mean ghost in the typical sense, I mean a ghost from my past. This person is very much alive in the dream and in real life. But I don't talk to them anymore. They have no business being in my dream and they don't quite fit with the rest of the characters. Yet, the ghost was still in my dream.

I was going to tell the dream here but it's too difficult without giving away identities. Plus I can't tell dreams in one straight shot, I need people questioning me for details otherwise I leave stuff out. Just know this: I've got this ghost floating around in my head all because of this stupid dream and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know of a way please let me know.

Skeleton Keys

This is how my thought process works.

Boy: "So then they stick the skeleton key in..."
Girl: "Ew, stop, I don't like scary movies."

I think skeleton key. Oh, Mario Party item. Now what did it do? Oh yeah, reach a door and it unlocks it. But they were talking about sticking a key in someone. How's that for bad innuendo? Heh, I'll stick my skeleton key in you baby, unlock your...wait a minute. Stick a key in someone...unlock their death...CABOOSE! "Or...maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick it in someone...it unlocks their death!"

So now I'm thinking about Caboose and giggling my ass off, wanting so badly to play Halo.

Yeah. I think I might know what Caboose's world is like. I have fun here too. XD

I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking

That's one of the few lines I can understand in my new favorite song. Video can be found here for The Kooks' song Naive.

But I really did have more reason to pick that title. K is a good boyfriend in that he knows that I don't like asking. It doesn't matter what it is really. I don't like asking him to pay for me (we do this thing where generally I buy if he's at Mizzou, he buys if I'm at Purdue but sometimes I forget and I say I'll pay him back and I'm not really sure if I actually do...). I don't like asking for a hug unless I have a reason. But it applies in a broader sense too. I don't like asking for extra dressing to go with my order. In fact, I can barely order at restaurants because I dislike asking people to get food for me. And that's the waiter's job!

K surprised me by sending me my favorite chocolates. It's kinda ironic that he did now because I was going to bring some back for him when I go to CA for Thanksgiving...so that would be next week. Haha, talk about bad timing. It's ok, I'll just have to figure something else to get him. I'm really looking forward to going back actually. I get to spend time with my favorite cousins and the rest of the family. I'm not too sure who all is going to be there, but it's sounding like it'll be a big family reunion of sorts so that'll be fun.

Getting back on topic, I guess the asking thing depends on if I'm asking for something or just asking a general question. Because I can ask questions. I question nearly everything. I'm really good at that. Or am I? Recently I've had a few questions floating around in my head that I'd like answered, but I don't think I can ask them because of the possible consequences they might have. So what do I do? Do I keep waiting until I forget them? Or do I plunge right in and deal with the aftermath that I create?

"Just don't let me down." I wish it were simple. Yes is good, no is bad. The way these questions tend to be, either answer is at least partially bad, neither really stands out as the wrong answer, the answer that would let me down. Maybe I'll wait until each person I have a question for approaches me with one of their own. That seems safe. It also seems unlikely that I'll ever ask my questions.

The One

This has been something that has been in the back of my head since I started college and it's about damn time I got it out.

I don't have a best friend anymore.

I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?

I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.

I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.

I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.

Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.

In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.

I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.

Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...

Rugby 5

Our last game of the season was this Saturday against Truman State. It was a home game, so that was nice, we had a bit of an advantage, and a lot of people and friends came out to see us play. My brother and dad came down to watch as did two of my apartment-mates and some of their friends/family. Needless to say, I had a big crowd there to cheer me (and of course the team) on.

So you can imagine my disappointment when I don't go in the first half.

Or the second.

I look around and I'm one of two people who hasn't gone in. I pull the other girl off to the side and ask her when she thinks we'll go in - this is unusual, switches regarding the back line always happen at half (or if someone gets hurt). She shrugs and seems rather nonchalant about it. But I'm pissed. I have 6+ people here just to see me play. Yes, that sounds selfish, but half of those drove 6 hours and got a hotel room at an inflated rate (or got poor sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sorry K!) and dragged their butts out in semi-cold weather at 11am to see me. Let. Me. Play.

We scored a try not more than 5 minutes into a 30 minute half (rugby halves are usually 40 minutes long, I'm not sure why we only played 30) so I ran out onto the field to give people water. One of our captains sees me and asks if I've gone in. I shake my head no and continue handing out water. She notices the other girl who hasn't gone in yet and asks the same question. She must have received pretty much the same answer because that's when I hear a rather loud "That's bullshit!" I turn around, slightly concerned, going to tell her it's ok, I'm sure I'll play a bit later, but she's already almost face to face with our coaches.

I think I might have a new favorite person on the team. XD

I finish my water-girl duties (giving water to teammates on the field pretty much falls on the rookies who aren't playing that half) and the second I get off the pitch (field) the back line coach tells me to replace someone. She doesn't look happy about this. Come to think of it, she really hasn't spoken to me much the past two weeks which isn't a good sign (I have no clue what I did, I swear). But whatever, I go out on the field to replace one of the wings.

I get the ball three times. Though I don't assist any tries, each one is a solid carry before getting tackled (okay, more like thrown to the ground, my body is pretty sore still). That means I didn't pass the ball, I just got it and well...went forward with it. I didn't break through their defense, but I moved the ball forward and didn't make us lose control of the ball anytime. Well, ok, the ref called me for hands in the ruck, which means I put my hands on the ball again after I let go of it but I didn't think I had really let go of it yet sooo....whatever. One of the vets came over and said that was a bogus call so that made me feel better about what I already thought.

We won the game. I finally got the hang of what I was supposed to be doing. It was a really great way to end the season. I kinda wish we had one more game, or maybe another week of practice, because I think that we would be really productive coming off of a win like that, where everything just seemed to click. But oh well! Time to turn into a vegetable again! XD Not really. This has inspired me to be more active so I'm going to try and run more and stuffs like that. Which will help me stay in shape for rugby in the spring, yeah, but it does nothing to help my skills which is my issue (read: cannot tackle to save her life). Any volunteers to be my practice opponent? I promise it doesn't hurt too much after the 3rd or 4th time... =D

How do you like them apples?

So we finally started talking about illegal immigration today in Journalism. It's really easy to see who is from the border states, particularly Texas and California, compared to the inner states. I'm really tempted to just raise my hand and ask how many people like strawberries. Would they like to keep purchasing strawberries for reasonable prices? They're already kind of expensive. Imagine doubling that. At least. Now think about any other fruit you might obtain from any Southwestern or Western state.

Wanna get rid of those illegals now?

You're Leaving?

That's what everyone says to me when they hear. It doesn't matter if we're good friends or teammates or just a random bunch of people stuck together for a group project.

Then they say what I want to do is great. Which I appreciate. I can hear that they mean it. They respect my decision and don't think I'm someone who can't make up their mind, as I sometimes find myself thinking.

But the first thing they say. You're leaving? How could I leave Mizzou? One of the best journalism programs, probably the best public journalism program. An amazing Japanese program that I've learned to love with all my heart. How could I leave?

It's going to be so difficult. I love my classmates, especially in Japanese related courses. M and C crack me up every lit class. T is a lifesaver on quizzes. Another T keeps the mood light on rough days in language. M is always kind and able to give advice when it comes to journalism. D is a little firecracker. B and D (both Ds actually) are a bit odd, but always willing to fill me in if I miss a class. A and T provide eye candy on dull days and have such enjoyable and friendly personalities that you just want to always hang out with them.

I wonder what I am to them. This girl who isn't so great at the language, but understands the culture and literature fairly well. I'm shy in language, but I don't hesitate to speak up in any other class. I can crack jokes on the spot with C and A about the two people towards the front of the class in lit, but if you put a story in Japanese in front of me it'll take me twice as long as the rest of the class to read it. Despite all this, I feel like I fit in. I know I do. We created a family. I don't know how I'll leave.

And next year...there was so much to look forward to.

I would have many shared classes with B who would be returning from a year in Japan. We only met last semester, but I think we became decent friends. Next year we would both be in Japanese 4!
I would get into my sequence for photojournalism and finally start working for the Missourian!
I would actually matter and find my place on staff.
I would begin to make a name for myself as a sports photographer.
I would take writing and literature classes to start my English minor.
I would finally be getting what I want from college!

...how can I leave that?

I don't even know what I'll be walking into when I go to Ball State. What if they don't have a family? What if I lose mine? I'm not ready to do that.

But am I forgetting the whole reason I want to transfer? I want to teach. I want to be the English teacher I had in 10th grade. I want to challenge every other English teacher I had from 7th grade on. I want to make my Carmel Journalism and Japanese teachers proud I was their student. And if I stay at Mizzou I can't do that.

So...yeah. I guess I'm leaving.

Three's a Crowd

Warning: Long post ahead. It's a good one though. I think.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I want it to go after college. I'm not sure I really want to be a big time journalist. I really like the no-pressure environment of high school photography. I would be perfectly happy covering local news. I used to think that I couldn't be happy unless I was covering a big story. I don't think that matters anymore.

Honestly, I think I'd rather teach.

But I'm not giving up my Photojournalism degree to do so. Nor do I want to get rid of my Japanese degree. So the simple answer is to just add a teaching degree, right?

Wrong.

Education degrees are a pain in the ass. You have K-12 education degrees, elementary education degrees, secondary education degrees, special education degrees, counseling degrees. Not to mention subject specific degrees - English, History, Journalism, any foreign language you could imagine, any science, the list goes on.

So, as it is in my case, if you want to teach journalism or English or perhaps a foreign language you need a degree for Journalism Education and English/Language Arts Secondary Education and a Japanese Education degree. Oh, plus it would be a good idea to keep that Japanese major since you want to know about the culture too. Oh, and you might want to add an English major...the curriculum for the English Education degree gets you 80% there anyway. So that's already 5 majors. Do you really want to keep that journalism degree?

And that's where my dilemma starts. Well, no. Actually. Let me back up.

Mizzou only offers that English/Language Arts degree. It has nothing, not even recommendations, for what courses you should take if you want to teach Journalism or a foreign language. I don't think it's too much to ask that they provide something like that for students. Unless they just don't teach journalism or foreign languages at their high schools. When I spoke to an advisor in the Education department, she told me that I could receive accreditation for teaching those subjects after I graduated. At the very least I would have to take (and pass) a test. I imagine it would include taking a few more courses through some government teaching instruction center.

So that's the first part of the dilemma. I can't get what I want at Mizzou. Even if I just did three majors - Photojournalism, Japanese, English/Language Arts Secondary Education - I would be staying in college for 5 years, at least. And then it would take me a while to get accredited in what I want. And even more time to get approved for teaching in other states (the advisor claims this isn't as hard as it sounds, that I just tell the college to recommend me for teaching in whatever state and it happens, but I seriously doubt that).

So to solve this dilemma I look to transfer. Ball State University is one of those "up and coming" colleges. I strongly considered it before finally deciding to attend Mizzou. Actually, no, that downplays it. I initially wanted to go there more than Mizzou. I loved the campus and how things worked there. It has a strong Journalism school and a great Education program (at least in Indiana) and, as an added bonus, has a Japanese major. In fact, you can even major in Japanese Education! The opportunities for major combinations are astounding to me! I could get a Photojournalism degree, a Journalism Education degree, an English/Language Arts Education degree, a Japanese Education degree and a Japanese degree! And since a few of those are rather related...it's not unreasonable to think I could do that in 5 (total) years.

But then I have to consider all of this on a larger scale. Not just the next few years, or until I graduate college, but my life overall. Do I want to be a photojournalist or do I want to be a teacher? Well, both. I think I'd like to work for a local newspaper until I'm ready to have kids (marriage is assumed somewhere along the line before that). When the kids are, let's say, 5 to 7 I think being a teacher is a good idea. But wouldn't it be better to just drop the photojournalism aspect and just teach? A large part of your career is establishing yourself. If I apply for a teaching job more than 10 years after I've graduated, despite the fact that I have a teaching degree, people will look at me and wonder what on earth makes me think I'm a good candidate. I have no experience. After 10 years. No one is gunna want to hire me.

So I think, after talking at length with family, I've finally reached the decision that I should drop my photojournalism degree but take as many photojournalism electives as possible. I'll get majors in Japanese Education, Journalism Education, and Secondary English Education. Probably an English minor and a Japanese major will go along with that. I hope to accomplish this all in 5 years with one summer abroad in Japan (b/c I want to, damn it).

And I will get these from Ball State.

Rugby 4

We got our butts whooped over the weekend. 6 - 89. We never scored a try (touchdown for those non-rugby term inclined folks), only two kicks (field goals). But hey, they're like the only NCAA Division 1 women's rugby team in the Midwest (being used as a very general term, extending from Ohio to Oklahoma) and we're a club sport. We don't have a real coach. Or a dedicated pitch (field). Or freaking locker rooms where you can't wear spikes. I dunno. I overheard a vet telling another vet that we'd turned them down to play for the past 4 years. Now I know why.

One thing that bothered me a lot in game was that we stopped caring after a certain point. Girls stopped chasing people or trying to tackle them and didn't give 100%. One time I tried to chase a girl down and I left my spot to do so. I'm a wing so that means I'm the last person on one of the sides. I have to make sure no one gets by me on the outside b/c no one else will be there to stop her. I understand the importance of this and try my best to stay there. But when the person with the ball has broken through our defense and none of her back line is following her through us she isn't going to throw it back to them and get it out to the edges. At this point I think it's ok for me to run and try to tackle her, or at least get a hand under the ball to prevent her from scoring (to get a try in rugby you must touch the ball to the ground, not just get it in the scoring area like football does with touchdowns). As I was running (and catching her) a teammate yells at me to stop and get back to my spot. So I slow down and jog over to the rest of the team (we gather in the try zone while they attempt for a 2 point kick). I tell the girl that yelled at me that no one else was chasing the girl that scored so I had to do something. She says I never would have caught her. I say at least I tried. Our scrumhalf hears us at this point and yells at us to not talk to each other like that and apologize immediately. I do so and receive a less than sincere apology from the other girl. The whole situation makes me mad. The person who scored wasn't remarkably fast, she just broke through. She wasn't too close to me but I was sprinting towards her and probably would have caught her as she tried to score. I could have interfered, I could have stopped this girl from scoring. And I didn't because someone yelled at me to get back in my place.

It makes me mad and it's been about five days. Saw the girl who yelled at me at practice the other day. We had to work together to do a drill. I was less than pleased. It's really a shame too b/c at practices before this we got along well and were often put in lines together during games. Now I want very little to do with her.

Practice actually went really well yesterday. We did a lot of new drills and everyone who showed up was really into it and worked hard. I got nice and muddy and was thoroughly tired after just an hour of practice. It was just a really good practice overall. I had lost faith in the team after the way I was treated over the weekend but this practice really lifted my spirits.

Rugby 3

Since my last post I've been to a tournament and a game at home. We've won 3 of 4 games and are looking forward to playing Topeka this weekend...whom we've never played. It's unclear if this is because they didn't have a team before now or we just have never played them. Regardless, I'm glad it's at home instead of being there. That will give us a bit more confidence.

Ok, aside, the people sitting in front of me as I type this on the bus are really disgusting. It's a bus and they're all over each other. Cut. It. Out.

Anyway, back to rugby talk. The tournament was fun. I played two halves, just like all the other rookies. I was on wing, which I like...except for the whole trying to balance being on offense and defense. You see, as wing you have to be there for your teammates when they're bringing the ball up the field but you also have to be the last line of defense on the side when you're trying to defend your goal. So you end up running all over the place. Go up, shift right so you're closer to your teammates. Shift left since now everyone is over here. Run up with the ball, stay on the pitch, don't get knocked out of play. Go back, defend the goal, shift left, shift right, shift left FASTER. Then you're facing 3 girls any of whom could rush you at any time and the rest of your team is on the other side of the field. Your goal is to stop the ball, but they have a huge advantage just by sheer numbers.

The game was ok...we played down to their level so we were sloppy and terrible (hey, just like the people in front of me!). We still won though.

Practice has been tough. I messed up my ankle a while ago and I subconsciously changed the way I run to do so. This ended up hurting my upper leg...which takes longer to heal. So I have issues running. We did sprints and ran more than usual at practice yesterday and as a result I've been limping all week. At least we didn't run the mile like we were supposed to yesterday.

Well that's all the rugby news I've got. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm on cough meds and taking cough drops like candy. I can't think. You're really lucky you got that much out of me today.