The One

This has been something that has been in the back of my head since I started college and it's about damn time I got it out.

I don't have a best friend anymore.

I really don't. I don't have that one person I can tell anything to and not worry about what they'll think about me anymore. And it's kinda sad. But I guess miles and years will do that to you, huh?

I mean, sure, I still have close friends and I still have good friends and I still have my we-haven't-been-friends-long-enough-to-call-each-other-good-friends who I can turn to, but I can't turn to one person for everything. I classify them. I'd give examples, but since most of the people in question read this, I'd rather not inform you of what exactly I don't talk to you about. I'm sure you understand, though you may not really like or appreciate my bluntness, but I expect the same from you.

I miss having a best friend. It gets kinda lonely not having a best friend. I love having someone I talk to online every single night for hours while we do our homework. Someone you can text just to say hi, I saw something that reminded me of you and I smiled. Someone you can call and know they will drop whatever they are doing and listen to you.

I thought last year I finally found the one. L was nothing like I expected I would want in a best friend, but at the same time she was everything I needed. But this year...she swipes me into the dining hall once a week so I can have lunch with her and at least 3 other people. I hardly see her outside of that. We never have any one-on-one time. I'm not even sure she knows I plan to transfer. Second semester last year surprised me with two new good friends, but they aren't at Mizzou this year. I stay in better touch with them than I do most of my CA friends though, surprisingly.

Most of you are thinking, "But you have K, can't you tell him everything?" And you're right, I do have K, but I can't tell him everything. He and I get pissed at each other often enough, we can't talk about religion and politics and sometimes there's just things I can't explain to him, usually relating to him. The whole time we've been together I haven't had anyone I can talk to about the relationship between K and I or any problems to work out with someone else. It's just been me for the most part. A few people have gotten snapshots of the relationship because the one I wanted to share it with didn't want to hear it. I don't want to tell everyone about the details of my relationship, they simply don't need to know, but I did want one person to know. I don't know who that is. I don't have that person.

In some ways I blame moving around so much and I'm planning on doing that again. And again after graduation. So why should I bother? On some level, I know it's pointless to try and find that one person to call my best friend again, at least not until I settle down in one place for a while, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Besides, I have so many wonderful prospects right now. That sounds weird, huh? I tried phrasing it a few ways and that's the best I came up with, so take it how you will, knowing the meaning isn't quite perfect.

I'm blessed to have so many good friends. I know that and I really appreciate everyone I have and I hope they all realize that. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe I should hold interviews or something. Now accepting applications for best friend. Looking to promote from within. Previous experience required.

Bah, useless. Actually, I planned on this blog post going in a completely different direction regarding music from other countries. The title is actually a reference to this song. Yeah, check that out. I was going to talk all about the different K-pop and J-rock bands I like but noooo, had to go off ranting at you guys about not having a best friend...