I go through life in a daze. One day passes, another comes. I'm just going through the motions right now. There are moments, brief, when my brain is fully functioning and aware of what's going on, but right now it seems incomplete.
Is it because roommate-K's gone? I keep having to make the distinction because I know many K's. Another one is gone too, but it's not my concern - brother broke up with his girlfriend K this week.
I slept 10 hours, but it wasn't enough. I feel like I can't pay attention in class, I can't analyize anything...or spell, apparently. It's strange, given the circumstances of her death, that I feel the best when I am around my K. It's like most of the haze is lifted and I can think clearly, I can move on with life and process other things. You can probably tell my writing isn't the same. Were I writing this around K, it probably would be, but since I'm writing it around memories of roommate-K it's really difficult to form a coherent thought.
Teachers all ask what we did over spring break. I'm not sure I want to say. I could just say I went to Salt Lake City and skied with my dad, but then I leave out the "big news" and it seems like a lie. But I don't want to really say "oh, my roommate died, so I had to cancel all my plans and come back to Missouri and drive around a lot and it sucked" because that's just so damn whiney. But it's what I feel. So I just shut up and look sad and no one bothers me.
But I don't want to be sad. I can function in the apartment, that part's not hard. It's like she's still living here, just not here ever. I had to go into her room because A put my tupperware in there, thinking it was K's. So I took some time and made sure nothing else had been put in there that was mine. Was it an excuse to see K's things as she left them? I know you're thinking it, but I don't have an answer either way. I'd say no, because it's not like I went through her things like she stole something from me. I just looked at the stuff on her bed where A said my tupperware was and made sure that there weren't any more of my things. But that would be denying that I wanted to go in there and was relieved to have an excuse and ignoring that I stood in there for 5 minutes just looking at her room.
I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm writing this. It's not like I'm having issues coping. Haha, yes I am, that's the whole reason I'm writing this. That damn daze. But is it purely because of K? Maybe it's just coming back from break and I need to give it more than a day. Maybe I should try and think of boyfriend-K more, since it seems that helps? Why would it help?
edit: must have just been that class/the morning. got outside, got fresh air, took care of self, now am in political science class and am totally focused. besides this. but just thought i should let you all know. =)
2 comments:
It must be so rough for you. I read your last post and wasn't quite sure what to say honestly. I mean, I could have said that I was sorry for you, but I don't think that'd cut it. So here I'm going to try to make up for that! I definitely noticed your writing was different but I'm gad to read the edit that you are doing better! Every once and a while I think we all have those days. And maybe it's our subconcious trying to give us a hint - just relax and go with the flow. And sometimes it backfires because I'll come out of a class and go, shoot, what did I just learn? Or maybe it's a way for our brain to go into recoup mode even when we're still functioning. Either way, it happens and it's a bit frustrating. So I understand in that sense. I truly hope things work out for you. I've never had a death in the family, or in a close friend, so I can't completely understand what you're going through - all I know is that it's a challenge and a learning experience at the same time. Take care and know that we're thinking of you over here in CA! Go outside and enjoy more of that fresh air. :3
I've never had a close friend die but I think I've experienced your haze before. For me it kind of comes and goes. There are days when I think I'm back to normal and days or weeks when I just can't seem to stay on top of things.
Hang in there. I'm here to talk if you need me and even if I'm not you're welcome to leave me a long voicemail. Talking it out without being afraid of how whiney or depressing you sound is helpful. In fact it might even be nice to just talk and then delete the message.
I love you.
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