Anger

Rargh. I had a pissy post about why relationships, no matter what kind, suck and the various ways in which they suck but then I realized that I'm just grumpy because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Take that in whatever way you please. I'm not spilling all the beans here.

What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?

At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.

I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.

And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...

If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.