I try to keep it under wraps, but I actually have pretty low self-confidence. I'd like to point out (or make the distinction or whatever) that this does not mean I have low self-esteem or otherwise think my worth is in the low-ish range. I just don't have confidence in myself. I used to take my self confidence from racing. That's a pretty empowering sport to compete in, for anyone, not just a girl, though obviously that adds to its effects. When I stopped racing, I picked up photography and was the go-to-girl for the high school newspaper and yearbook. I had people relying on me. I took my confidence from that.
So the problem comes in college. In college, everyone is self-reliant. You don't depend on others to help you or to turn a decent project into something amazing. It's all on you. No one else needs you. The newspaper is cool, but they can get along without you. Someone else will take the photo. And you don't have your "I play [enter uber cool sport here]" to fall back on. It's just you. And, at least for me, I fell apart. I got lost. I didn't have anyone who needed me to do anything for them. I didn't get praise for my work. I didn't have a source of self-confidence. And I don't think I ever learned how to have self-confidence that just generates inside me. Before racing it was ice skating and before ice skating I was just 3 years old so I didn't have that sort of self-actualization need going on. I dabble in ways to find self-confidence. But there lies another problem.
I hop from thing to thing to get self-confidence. Oh, doing poorly in ice skating? Pick up racing. Not doing well in racing? Cut back so it's just a fun thing you do when you're not taking photos for school. Don't have high school anymore? No worries, we have the student newspaper and rugby. Oh, no more time for rugby? No worries, here's the English class you're doing well in. I didn't like journalism so I turned to Japanese. Japanese wasn't going well, so I turned to teaching English. I adjusted my whole plan of study because I didn't have enough self-confidence to pursue something difficult to me. So maybe that's extrapolating a little, but you see the issue here? That actually happened. I let that happen. And yes, there were other factors, but I can't order them. I can't tell you which is more important, which is closer to the truth.
I know this though - I stop trying. If something stops working, I stop trying. If something stops being easy, I don't want to put the effort in to try to make it easier. I don't try hard enough to get internships or summer jobs. I don't try hard enough to be on the front page of the newspaper. I don't try hard enough to be great at rugby. I used to not have to try to get good grades. Then I started getting decent grades and I didn't want to try in school anymore. I don't know how to try and get what I want from life. I'm used to it just kind of falling in my lap. Not being handed to me, exactly, just more me stumbling upon it. And I took self-confidence from those things. And right now, I seem to just be stumbling around, realizing that I can't keep hoping these things will keep falling from the sky. It's a good thing to realize, but a hard thing to try and accept.
4.28.2010
4.27.2010
Dear Biological Clock,
Please stop ticking frantically. You have plenty of time. Stop being influenced by silly TV shows about dress shopping. I mean it! STOP IT! You forced me to switch to Comedy Central and listen to fart jokes. Yeah, see the pain you're causing me?
Listen. You are not registering at some stupid wedding planning site because it gives you access to two other sites about freaking married life. You're less than a week from 20. JUST 20. You don't need to get married right now. I know all the middle class kids are doing it, but you're not them. You are upper middle class! You graduate college before getting married. No more planning!
So, I (being your rational side) am going to cater to your desires right now. But let's think about this rationally, yes? You're in a committed relationship and it's going pretty well. So, you've got three more years of college, yeah? Then you guys can live together, maybe even before (since he only has one more year)? So that's almost 6 years together overall. Before you even graduate college. And you'll only be newly 23 when you graduate. Give it a couple of years. Mom and Dad didn't get married until 28. And they're better off than a lot of their friends who married younger. You don't want to be in the half that divorces do you? NO! DUH!
Therefore, I politely request that you. Please. Freaking. CUT! IT! OUT!
Sincerely,
The Brain
Listen. You are not registering at some stupid wedding planning site because it gives you access to two other sites about freaking married life. You're less than a week from 20. JUST 20. You don't need to get married right now. I know all the middle class kids are doing it, but you're not them. You are upper middle class! You graduate college before getting married. No more planning!
So, I (being your rational side) am going to cater to your desires right now. But let's think about this rationally, yes? You're in a committed relationship and it's going pretty well. So, you've got three more years of college, yeah? Then you guys can live together, maybe even before (since he only has one more year)? So that's almost 6 years together overall. Before you even graduate college. And you'll only be newly 23 when you graduate. Give it a couple of years. Mom and Dad didn't get married until 28. And they're better off than a lot of their friends who married younger. You don't want to be in the half that divorces do you? NO! DUH!
Therefore, I politely request that you. Please. Freaking. CUT! IT! OUT!
Sincerely,
The Brain
4.26.2010
Headache
I have a headache. It's been bothering me for almost 12 hours. I've stolen medicine for it from my roommates (thanks A and R, even though you'll never know and never read this!) but it hasn't gone away.
I'm pretty sure it's because of a dream I had last night.
You see, it started off I was part of an Indy race car team. Yeah, kinda cool. Except then we turned all spy and stuff. And one of my teammates wanted to kill me so I had to hide in a bathroom in a mall and dye my hair black so they wouldn't recognize me. Yes, it was super cool. I wish I could remember more, but I don't and trying makes my head hurt more.
Anyway, so the last scene before my alarm went off (I was kinda waking up anyway) was my spy friend getting shot in the head in the back of a car. We were in the getaway car, my male friend driving, my female friend telling me to duck. Good thing I ducked, yeah? Not so much. Not only did I see my friend die, but right after that male friend either turns on me or gets killed b/c someone hit me in the back of the head. Cue alarm clock.
So here's the thing. I don't have anything hard on my bed that could hurt me. And I didn't wake up with anything on my head, like a pillow or stuffed animal. I thought maybe I hit my head against the wall, but my pillow was there.
Yeah. The dream was really a lot better than that but you know....head hurts and all. Better post after I get over this headache. I swear I'm not dead guys. Just not totally thrilled right now.
I'm pretty sure it's because of a dream I had last night.
You see, it started off I was part of an Indy race car team. Yeah, kinda cool. Except then we turned all spy and stuff. And one of my teammates wanted to kill me so I had to hide in a bathroom in a mall and dye my hair black so they wouldn't recognize me. Yes, it was super cool. I wish I could remember more, but I don't and trying makes my head hurt more.
Anyway, so the last scene before my alarm went off (I was kinda waking up anyway) was my spy friend getting shot in the head in the back of a car. We were in the getaway car, my male friend driving, my female friend telling me to duck. Good thing I ducked, yeah? Not so much. Not only did I see my friend die, but right after that male friend either turns on me or gets killed b/c someone hit me in the back of the head. Cue alarm clock.
So here's the thing. I don't have anything hard on my bed that could hurt me. And I didn't wake up with anything on my head, like a pillow or stuffed animal. I thought maybe I hit my head against the wall, but my pillow was there.
Yeah. The dream was really a lot better than that but you know....head hurts and all. Better post after I get over this headache. I swear I'm not dead guys. Just not totally thrilled right now.
4.14.2010
And Moving On...
I feel like this blog could, for a while, turn into a "how I grieve" blog, and I don't want that, so think of this as a moving on post. That's not to say that I won't bring it up again, but it's going to be less obnoxious. Less about my grieving, and more about that of those around me. Mainly my roommates.
At any rate, I was thinking about how easily things can be misconstrued or misunderstood, especially with people you don't really know. Three things happened today and I feel like I just made everyone around me think I was a total...well, witch...just because they took something I said or did to mean something else.
One guy in my English class sent out an email, asking that we print his story instead of him printing them for us because his printing quota was out. A fair request, except my quota is running low as well and his story was 14 pages. Yeah, not going to happen bud. I told him so (the quota, not the other sentence) and gave him three options and asked which he preferred - I could print it out but squish everything together (possibly ruining the form it was in, so it's nice to ask), I could write my comments back to him just on the document and he could read them on his computer, or I could print out my comments on a separate sheet. He was griping in class that he only got two replies to the email he sent out. One suggested he go to the library and use the printing service there. The other was just rude and unhelpful and gave him a whole bunch of different options that he didn't want. The person was just trying to get out of printing the story. He didn't understand why the person even bothered to email him back. I sit two rows over from him and heard everything. It hurt. I was only trying to help, but had to do so under my constraints too.
The second thing happened on the bus. I was sitting sideways, taking up two seats on the earliest bus you can take. It's never crowded, and today wasn't any different. There were plenty of other empty two-seat benches for this person to use, but they must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed because I was glared at and called a seat hog. I only sat sideways because the bus was no where close to full and I needed to put my laptop on my lap and do some work. It's not like they didn't get a seat because of my hoggie-ness.
The third wasn't a comment. It was a look shared between two passing students then a laugh and a slight glare my direction. Maybe I had something on my face...but I hadn't eaten anything yet, so probably not. I don't have any holes in my jeans. Were they too tight, making me have a muffin top? I did a double check. No, they were fine. Is my shirt too low? Is my bra showing? Nope, nothing wrong. I didn't have any more popped zits than usual, and none popping up. What could they have gathered from the way I looked that deserved a glare? It had to be the low shirt. It's the only thing that could be construed as offensive.
I dunno, I'm probably just being overly sensitive (it's not that time though, damn it!). Do you guys have days like that though? Where it seems like communicating with people just isn't something you should do that day? I already experienced it the night before all this stuff happened, but that was none of my doing.
Fyi, next post will be that roommate post I mentioned earlier. I think I've observed enough to write about it objectively, not just...whiney. XD
At any rate, I was thinking about how easily things can be misconstrued or misunderstood, especially with people you don't really know. Three things happened today and I feel like I just made everyone around me think I was a total...well, witch...just because they took something I said or did to mean something else.
One guy in my English class sent out an email, asking that we print his story instead of him printing them for us because his printing quota was out. A fair request, except my quota is running low as well and his story was 14 pages. Yeah, not going to happen bud. I told him so (the quota, not the other sentence) and gave him three options and asked which he preferred - I could print it out but squish everything together (possibly ruining the form it was in, so it's nice to ask), I could write my comments back to him just on the document and he could read them on his computer, or I could print out my comments on a separate sheet. He was griping in class that he only got two replies to the email he sent out. One suggested he go to the library and use the printing service there. The other was just rude and unhelpful and gave him a whole bunch of different options that he didn't want. The person was just trying to get out of printing the story. He didn't understand why the person even bothered to email him back. I sit two rows over from him and heard everything. It hurt. I was only trying to help, but had to do so under my constraints too.
The second thing happened on the bus. I was sitting sideways, taking up two seats on the earliest bus you can take. It's never crowded, and today wasn't any different. There were plenty of other empty two-seat benches for this person to use, but they must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed because I was glared at and called a seat hog. I only sat sideways because the bus was no where close to full and I needed to put my laptop on my lap and do some work. It's not like they didn't get a seat because of my hoggie-ness.
The third wasn't a comment. It was a look shared between two passing students then a laugh and a slight glare my direction. Maybe I had something on my face...but I hadn't eaten anything yet, so probably not. I don't have any holes in my jeans. Were they too tight, making me have a muffin top? I did a double check. No, they were fine. Is my shirt too low? Is my bra showing? Nope, nothing wrong. I didn't have any more popped zits than usual, and none popping up. What could they have gathered from the way I looked that deserved a glare? It had to be the low shirt. It's the only thing that could be construed as offensive.
I dunno, I'm probably just being overly sensitive (it's not that time though, damn it!). Do you guys have days like that though? Where it seems like communicating with people just isn't something you should do that day? I already experienced it the night before all this stuff happened, but that was none of my doing.
Fyi, next post will be that roommate post I mentioned earlier. I think I've observed enough to write about it objectively, not just...whiney. XD
4.08.2010
Ooze
I was searching news about Sri Lanka's parliamentary elections this morning on Google News using Google Chrome on my laptop while checking my Gmail on my Android powered phone.
And I realized it. I don't know how. I don't know when (though I can pinpoint some dates, of course). But it's happened.
I am a Google whore. I have let Google ooze into every aspect of my technological life. I'm even blogging about it on a Google powered blogging site!
I used to pride myself that I was never an Apple whore or a Microsoft whore or a Sony whore, though I've come close at times to each. But now...it's official. Google is trying to take over my life. I believe I complained about how my economics teacher said Google was being a monopoly last semester, if not here then somewhere public online. I still stand by that statement, but would like to adjust my stance. Google doesn't want to dominate one market. It wants to control our lives.
RUN!!! Run away from the ooze! (J, it's not moving slowly, this is a very energetic ooze, it'll get you too if you don't watch out.)
And I realized it. I don't know how. I don't know when (though I can pinpoint some dates, of course). But it's happened.
I am a Google whore. I have let Google ooze into every aspect of my technological life. I'm even blogging about it on a Google powered blogging site!
I used to pride myself that I was never an Apple whore or a Microsoft whore or a Sony whore, though I've come close at times to each. But now...it's official. Google is trying to take over my life. I believe I complained about how my economics teacher said Google was being a monopoly last semester, if not here then somewhere public online. I still stand by that statement, but would like to adjust my stance. Google doesn't want to dominate one market. It wants to control our lives.
RUN!!! Run away from the ooze! (J, it's not moving slowly, this is a very energetic ooze, it'll get you too if you don't watch out.)
4.06.2010
Daze
I go through life in a daze. One day passes, another comes. I'm just going through the motions right now. There are moments, brief, when my brain is fully functioning and aware of what's going on, but right now it seems incomplete.
Is it because roommate-K's gone? I keep having to make the distinction because I know many K's. Another one is gone too, but it's not my concern - brother broke up with his girlfriend K this week.
I slept 10 hours, but it wasn't enough. I feel like I can't pay attention in class, I can't analyize anything...or spell, apparently. It's strange, given the circumstances of her death, that I feel the best when I am around my K. It's like most of the haze is lifted and I can think clearly, I can move on with life and process other things. You can probably tell my writing isn't the same. Were I writing this around K, it probably would be, but since I'm writing it around memories of roommate-K it's really difficult to form a coherent thought.
Teachers all ask what we did over spring break. I'm not sure I want to say. I could just say I went to Salt Lake City and skied with my dad, but then I leave out the "big news" and it seems like a lie. But I don't want to really say "oh, my roommate died, so I had to cancel all my plans and come back to Missouri and drive around a lot and it sucked" because that's just so damn whiney. But it's what I feel. So I just shut up and look sad and no one bothers me.
But I don't want to be sad. I can function in the apartment, that part's not hard. It's like she's still living here, just not here ever. I had to go into her room because A put my tupperware in there, thinking it was K's. So I took some time and made sure nothing else had been put in there that was mine. Was it an excuse to see K's things as she left them? I know you're thinking it, but I don't have an answer either way. I'd say no, because it's not like I went through her things like she stole something from me. I just looked at the stuff on her bed where A said my tupperware was and made sure that there weren't any more of my things. But that would be denying that I wanted to go in there and was relieved to have an excuse and ignoring that I stood in there for 5 minutes just looking at her room.
I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm writing this. It's not like I'm having issues coping. Haha, yes I am, that's the whole reason I'm writing this. That damn daze. But is it purely because of K? Maybe it's just coming back from break and I need to give it more than a day. Maybe I should try and think of boyfriend-K more, since it seems that helps? Why would it help?
edit: must have just been that class/the morning. got outside, got fresh air, took care of self, now am in political science class and am totally focused. besides this. but just thought i should let you all know. =)
Is it because roommate-K's gone? I keep having to make the distinction because I know many K's. Another one is gone too, but it's not my concern - brother broke up with his girlfriend K this week.
I slept 10 hours, but it wasn't enough. I feel like I can't pay attention in class, I can't analyize anything...or spell, apparently. It's strange, given the circumstances of her death, that I feel the best when I am around my K. It's like most of the haze is lifted and I can think clearly, I can move on with life and process other things. You can probably tell my writing isn't the same. Were I writing this around K, it probably would be, but since I'm writing it around memories of roommate-K it's really difficult to form a coherent thought.
Teachers all ask what we did over spring break. I'm not sure I want to say. I could just say I went to Salt Lake City and skied with my dad, but then I leave out the "big news" and it seems like a lie. But I don't want to really say "oh, my roommate died, so I had to cancel all my plans and come back to Missouri and drive around a lot and it sucked" because that's just so damn whiney. But it's what I feel. So I just shut up and look sad and no one bothers me.
But I don't want to be sad. I can function in the apartment, that part's not hard. It's like she's still living here, just not here ever. I had to go into her room because A put my tupperware in there, thinking it was K's. So I took some time and made sure nothing else had been put in there that was mine. Was it an excuse to see K's things as she left them? I know you're thinking it, but I don't have an answer either way. I'd say no, because it's not like I went through her things like she stole something from me. I just looked at the stuff on her bed where A said my tupperware was and made sure that there weren't any more of my things. But that would be denying that I wanted to go in there and was relieved to have an excuse and ignoring that I stood in there for 5 minutes just looking at her room.
I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm writing this. It's not like I'm having issues coping. Haha, yes I am, that's the whole reason I'm writing this. That damn daze. But is it purely because of K? Maybe it's just coming back from break and I need to give it more than a day. Maybe I should try and think of boyfriend-K more, since it seems that helps? Why would it help?
edit: must have just been that class/the morning. got outside, got fresh air, took care of self, now am in political science class and am totally focused. besides this. but just thought i should let you all know. =)
3.29.2010
Update
I'm in Utah, skiing with my dad. We flew out yesterday morning and skied the second half of the day at Park City, where the Olympics were held once upon a time. It felt good to get out on the snow again. But I'd been up since 2:30am Utah time. And now it was 7pm. Oh, did I mention I only got 2 hours of sleep the night before? Yeah, whoops. I was tired. I slept through two text messages and a phone call. Usually even the slightest noise from my cell phone wakes me up.
I woke up this morning after sleeping almost 12 hours to a phone call. It was R, calling to tell me our roommate, K, was dead. I'd heard about people's roommates committing suicide and the university letting them get an automatic pass for the semester. I wondered if they extended that to everyone, or if you had to live in the dorms to get that applied to you. The apartments where I live are half university, I just live in the non-university half. That was my first thought. The second was speculation about how she died, which was enforced as R went on, and confirmed later when I learned the exact details of her death.
So I've been in a bit of shock. I've cried a little bit. I don't think I ever hit the denial really. I wondered if it might have been R playing a cruel joke - that was one of those early thoughts - but she wouldn't do that. I've been angry at the circumstances surrounding the death. Mainly, I just wonder why. I can't bargain, but that's okay, the Kubler-Ross model says you only need to go through two. Of the five, that leaves depression and acceptance. I think I'll be depressed when I return to the apartment - we shared a side, after all, and it'll be weird not smelling her cooking all the time. Acceptance will come after that. But I think I'm pretty okay, considering, you know? My dad was out of the room when I got the call, doing business stuff, so I called him and asked him to come back to the room, which he did. We were a little late getting to the ski resort today, but not so much that we didn't have time to hit all the runs. Called my mom, who was at the airport on her way to her sorority sister's memorial (Dad's aunt died recently too, so there's the three, in case you follow that rule).
It's weird. So many thoughts kind of run through my head, like what are we going to do about her room at the apartment, but they just flow right out. When I mentioned earlier in the post that we shared a side I thought that I'd have to get a shower curtain since we one we have was her's. I don't want to deal with these thoughts right now, but they're thoughts that seem harmless to say, they have no bad consequence, and it's hard to keep them in. But I don't want to spoil this vacation for my dad - he hasn't been skiing for 3 years, and he loves skiing. He asked if I wanted to go home, or go to the nearest airport to where she lives. How could I do that to him? On one hand, I'd like to go be around friends who knew her and celebrate her life, but on the other, I think I would be an invader - I only met her at the beginning of the school year and we only developed a friendship this semester. I'll go to the funeral or memorial, certainly, once arrangements have been made. I have a couple of people keeping me in the loop.
Skiing's been great, actually. The place where we skied today doesn't allow snowboarders, which I didn't think I'd enjoy, but I did. Instead of all these people falling all over the place, it was mainly just little kids. And you can easily avoid them b/c they're small! (I've been making mad jokes all day, forgive me, I think it's a coping thing.) We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. Estimates range from 6 inches to a foot. The storm is just hovering over the city, the mountains are probably getting snow by now. You can see them from the window of the hotel. It's funny - we stayed at this hotel when we moved out to IN from CA. Dad just booked it and when we pulled off the highway and looked around it was like....wait a second...I remember that KFC.
True story - went to a Walmart with a parking garage. Check Facebook for pics later on in the week if you don't believe it. I'll have the typical pose at the top of the mountain and take a picture ones too.
I woke up this morning after sleeping almost 12 hours to a phone call. It was R, calling to tell me our roommate, K, was dead. I'd heard about people's roommates committing suicide and the university letting them get an automatic pass for the semester. I wondered if they extended that to everyone, or if you had to live in the dorms to get that applied to you. The apartments where I live are half university, I just live in the non-university half. That was my first thought. The second was speculation about how she died, which was enforced as R went on, and confirmed later when I learned the exact details of her death.
So I've been in a bit of shock. I've cried a little bit. I don't think I ever hit the denial really. I wondered if it might have been R playing a cruel joke - that was one of those early thoughts - but she wouldn't do that. I've been angry at the circumstances surrounding the death. Mainly, I just wonder why. I can't bargain, but that's okay, the Kubler-Ross model says you only need to go through two. Of the five, that leaves depression and acceptance. I think I'll be depressed when I return to the apartment - we shared a side, after all, and it'll be weird not smelling her cooking all the time. Acceptance will come after that. But I think I'm pretty okay, considering, you know? My dad was out of the room when I got the call, doing business stuff, so I called him and asked him to come back to the room, which he did. We were a little late getting to the ski resort today, but not so much that we didn't have time to hit all the runs. Called my mom, who was at the airport on her way to her sorority sister's memorial (Dad's aunt died recently too, so there's the three, in case you follow that rule).
It's weird. So many thoughts kind of run through my head, like what are we going to do about her room at the apartment, but they just flow right out. When I mentioned earlier in the post that we shared a side I thought that I'd have to get a shower curtain since we one we have was her's. I don't want to deal with these thoughts right now, but they're thoughts that seem harmless to say, they have no bad consequence, and it's hard to keep them in. But I don't want to spoil this vacation for my dad - he hasn't been skiing for 3 years, and he loves skiing. He asked if I wanted to go home, or go to the nearest airport to where she lives. How could I do that to him? On one hand, I'd like to go be around friends who knew her and celebrate her life, but on the other, I think I would be an invader - I only met her at the beginning of the school year and we only developed a friendship this semester. I'll go to the funeral or memorial, certainly, once arrangements have been made. I have a couple of people keeping me in the loop.
Skiing's been great, actually. The place where we skied today doesn't allow snowboarders, which I didn't think I'd enjoy, but I did. Instead of all these people falling all over the place, it was mainly just little kids. And you can easily avoid them b/c they're small! (I've been making mad jokes all day, forgive me, I think it's a coping thing.) We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. Estimates range from 6 inches to a foot. The storm is just hovering over the city, the mountains are probably getting snow by now. You can see them from the window of the hotel. It's funny - we stayed at this hotel when we moved out to IN from CA. Dad just booked it and when we pulled off the highway and looked around it was like....wait a second...I remember that KFC.
True story - went to a Walmart with a parking garage. Check Facebook for pics later on in the week if you don't believe it. I'll have the typical pose at the top of the mountain and take a picture ones too.
3.24.2010
Anger
Rargh. I had a pissy post about why relationships, no matter what kind, suck and the various ways in which they suck but then I realized that I'm just grumpy because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Take that in whatever way you please. I'm not spilling all the beans here.
What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?
At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.
I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.
And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...
If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.
What I will talk about here is how I think I spend most of my time being mad about something. K thinks I have anger management issues b/c I let things build and then take my anger out on whatever drop causes the bottle to overflow. Which is usually him. Which only makes me wonder why I always take my anger out on him. Which only makes me madder at myself and, in turn, the world. I just love how I work, don't you?
At any rate, I think my anger of late has been caused by my uncertainty and the fact everything around me keeps changing. Those plans I was making for KC? Shot to hell. Those grand ideas about Ball State? Uncertain, no thanks to anyone around me b/c I was certain at one point, I remember. There's so much going on in school and now, all of a sudden, I have all these people from all my schooling wanting to keep in contact with me and part of me just wants to tell them to eff off, I've moved on. But I honestly haven't moved on, I'd still love to be friends, they just picked a bad time to try and be friends again.
I like structure, I like knowing, I like plans. My room may be messy, but I know where everything is, and it won't take me but a second to find what I need. I like having plans for the future. I like those plans to be stable and unchanging once made. I like sticking to those plans. Is it really too much to ask? I'm more or less a piece of paper. Write down what you want. But once someone gets an eraser out I flip out. I'm not dynamic, I'm not flexible. I planned my college career because a friend was doing an assignment where she had to. I didn't have to, I saw it, thought it was a great idea, and did so. I plan trips that I'll never take. It's just what I do. It's so I know what to do if X-situation arises.
And now I have many X-situations but here's the catch - I don't have a plan for a single one of them! Plus I have all these additional stresses, like current school work and family issues...
If this were two weeks ago, or two weeks from now, I could perhaps understand my anger and frustration at the world, but there is no reason for me to be so upset about everything right now and yet, here I am.
3.04.2010
Skiing
I started skiing when I was 3 years old. That could be true. I'm not sure when I started skiing exactly. I just remember that Dad always said he pulled me out of the ski school at Squaw to teach me to ski because apparently they weren't doing it right.
So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.
I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.
I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.
So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.
My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.
I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.
So it began. My dad always loved skiing, my mom not so much. But she'd take us to Alpine Meadows or, later, Sugar Bowl, stick us in all day lessons and spend her day reading in the lodge. My dad would do the same thing except he would actually ski. Then he started to get old and I started to get good. Now we ski together. I say I'm not as good as he is and that might be true. But give us a day on the slopes and I'll still be ready to go at the end of the day, whereas he might quit around 2 or 3pm.
I think I was 10 or 11 when a Sugar Bowl instructor asked if I would like to be on their racing team. I was so excited, being on a ski team was so special, you couldn't just apply and be on it, you had to be selected. Too bad Dad decided it would be too difficult for me to spend just weekends in Tahoe. And how would I race, he argued. They tell me now that it was just that by the time we looked into it, all the spots were full, but I was old enough to remember the real details.
I haven't had a chance to ski much since moving, even though I live somewhere that gets snow. It's b/c my state is flat. Historically speaking, a glacier melted on it and flattened everything and made the soil great for growing corn. And soy now, apparently. Highest point is just above 1000 feet. Woo! It's not totally true that I haven't skied since we moved. I skied my first college winter break when K and I went to CA. I can't remember if we stayed 3 or 4 days. I think it was just 3. Sugar Bowl the first day, North Star the second, Squaw (after a failed Heavenly attempt) the third.
So I'm turning to CO for my skiing needs. Perfect, actually, because it's accessible for a weekend trip from my college. Seriously, I love that I-70 is freaking right there. I've thought about going a few times, but only when I get angry. It's what I do. I get angry and plan these crazy trips. I planned to move back to CA and live with my grandparents. I could have made it almost all the way there too without my parents finding out. That's how much detail I go into. So I've planned it all out, from where I'd stay depending on how much cash I have to where I'd ski depending on the conditions and time of year.
My dad and I are hopefully taking a trip during my spring break to ski. He's thinking Utah. I'm thinking that I might end up being the only one skiing because he might not make it more than two days in a row. It might be fun though. I'll find some locals and try to keep up with them. That's something I've always wanted to do actually, just follow some locals around for a few hours, seeing if I can keep up with the people that ski 100+ days a year.
I'm not sure if I can really express how much I love skiing. It's just always been this escape for me. The idea of just going somewhere and it's just you and the slopes and you can just forget about everything else always comforts me. Skiing is always different. You can hit the same run over and over and because people have gone while you were on the lift getting to the run again it's different. It never gets old.
3.02.2010
Summer
Last summer was a total failure for me, and this summer is shaping up to be much the same. I don't think I'm going to Japan. It's mostly my fault, but I still hold that the professor did not let me know he was actually running the program this semester like I asked until less than a week before the application deadline. And that's really not long enough to get a letter of recommendation. Especially from a Japanese professor b/c you have to be all formal about it.
Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.
"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.
"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.
So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.
Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.
So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.
Anyway, so that's dashed. Now I've been thinking of other ways to spend my time. I was talking about this with K and that's when he brought it up.
"Come stay in KC with me this summer." It was like 2am and we were laying in front of the TV in my family room, watching the Food Network. "Hm?" "I don't have to live in the dorms they assign me to. I could live in an apartment. They give me a 500 dollar a month stipend." "Oh." "So you could work in KC and live in an apartment with me." I consider this, and clearly still am otherwise this wouldn't be a post. It's not like the work would be any different in Indy or KC. I'd get a job at a retail store or maybe even a doggie hotel or something similar where I'm working with animals. I'd love to do something to do with teaching, but since I haven't had any classroom time or even taken a teaching course I doubt I'd be allowed to do much more than observe. And it certainly wouldn't be paid.
"We're too young to live together, even if it's just for a summer," I finally say. "Well, I'm not. And you're old for your age." I don't really know how to respond to this. It's true. He'd be 22 and I'd be 20. It's not like others my age don't spend the summers with their boyfriends. It's just not something I pictured in my life until now and I'm really struggling with it. It's a good option. I just can't get my mind to accept that as an option.
So there's that. It's an option. It'd be nice. It'd be cheaper to live at home and I could help out a couple of racing families and maybe even take photos at races and make some money from that on top of working at some job. I'd be around my family a lot, which I both like and dislike. It's more comfortable and safe.
Or I could just go somewhere else completely. I keep seeing the Disney internship fliers and even though I know you're basically Disney's bitch, being in Florida or Anaheim doesn't sound so bad. I could go to Africa and teach English or maybe just work, building infrastructure in rural areas. I'm also tempted to work for a cruise line, but from what I hear you have to devote 9 months to that and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. On top of all that, there's a 6 week program in Greece run by the English department. Kind of a bummer that the deadline has already passed, but I bet if I really expressed interest my teacher could get me in.
So I dunno. What do you guys think? Any other options just off the top of your head? It's March so most internship deadlines have passed, and I'm not looking for that anyway. But...it's plenty of time to plan for a job over the summer. And that's what I'm trying to do.
3.01.2010
Creative Writing
I might have mentioned that I'm taking a creative writing class. If I haven't, I've surely meant to and I've certainly enjoyed it.
Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.
I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.
My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.
Uh. What?
Anyway, I was supposed to bring copies of my story for people to read on Friday so we could workshop it on Monday (today). The professor canceled class on Wednesday so the people whose stories we had prepared for Wednesday got pushed back to Friday. I emailed the teacher asking if the schedule would be pushed back a class, meaning I would distribute on Monday for workshopping on Wednesday. She said yes. Then no one distributed their stories on Friday and she asked that I send my story out via email by midday Saturday.
I already made plans to come home over the weekend since I had a hellish week - 3 tests, a project, Japanese worksheets (very unusual to be assigned and very time consuming), and a few other small assignments in addition to the normal onslaught of reading. So when the teacher pushed back my due date, working on the short story was pushed back as well. Now I had to drive six hours home which blew my Friday night. Saturday was busy. I sat just outside of the family room where my brother, mom and boyfriend sat watching TV (yeah, he pretty much spent the weekend at my house). I was glued to my laptop, cranking out page after page. Got it done much later than I would have liked, but that's ok. The ending was terrible too. It was so abrupt but I really didn't want to go over 10 pages. I thought there were so many issues with it. Even now, I look at some passages and I hate that I wrote them.
My teacher didn't seem to mind though. She called it very impressive. Said it should be a longer story, something like 30-60 pages. Wants me to only work on this for the rest of the semester. Says I have the kernel of something really good. She'd like it if I had a complete story by the end of the semester to send out to literary journals.
Uh. What?
2.25.2010
Yay Democracy!
It's been a while since I had to hold my tongue in Comparative Politics. I usually don't mind speaking up, but right now I really really really am struggling to not jump out of my seat yelling about the failures of the US promoting democracy.
She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.
I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.
I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.
Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.
Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.
She's talking about terms like universalist and preconditionalist and organic vs. practice and I just keep having to show my feelings by emphatic head nods or shakes with my eyes wide. She keeps looking at me expectantly, but I won't indulge her. I can't. I don't feel like debating right now. There's a few people I'm sure did either LD or Parli just because of how they think. But I'm a Policy. This is my area of expertise.
I actually finally understand the arguments we were making freshman year about spreading democracy. It's quite fun to get the definitions of terms you've used in political arguments for 4 years. This class makes me want to get a political science minor. Almost. Maybe just comparative governments. Maybe just the different type of democracies. Or just a class about how the US influences other countries.
I digress. A few people in our class are universalists, who basically think that democracy is good for everyone and every state/nation/country is capable of democracy. They, generally, want to spread democracy to all countries, even if it takes force to do so. Perhaps you see where this is going. Yes, both Bush presidents were universalists. Latter even more so than the former. You can just imagine me squirming in my seat, dying to jump up and rant about the shortcomings and how these policies have ruined country after country and the US just needs to keep its big fat nose out of other country's governments.
Rawr. She's looking at me again. I think she wants me to say something. I can't! I can't think of a nice way to go about this. I will just shout at the universalists and become enraged and rant about how there have been no successful examples of the US instilling democracy in a country. The only areas that it's worked are the countries that want into the EU and here's the catcher! Those aren't democracies in the way we think of democracies! It's an autocracy with low civil liberties and low political rights! Meaning they don't vote much and/or their vote doesn't really make a difference and they don't have many social freedoms. And hey, guess what! Some areas just aren't suited for democracy because of their religious history (despite that the religion might not be as dominate now) or the way their culture is. Like a ton of countries in Africa where a bunch of tribes were just grouped together and told to play nice. Yeah. Democracy is just going to magically work there.
Is that what she wants me to say? She's said most of it, minus the US failure part, and she's said it politer than I. I just sit here wide-eyed, biting my lip because I can't politely talk during the most interesting lecture I've had this semester.
2.10.2010
Failure
There are some days when you look at the people around you and you think you haven't done much with your life. I'm having one of those days.
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
It's because of my journalism lab. We interviewed our partners as practice for the camera interview we'll be conducting. My partner didn't want to fill me in on anything so my little speech in front of the class wasn't so great. Her's was a hit, but only because I fed her the story I knew people would want to hear - racing.
I stood up there and the class asked me questions, turning me into a super star for a minute. But I couldn't help thinking how can I stand up here and allow them to think I'm so amazingly cool when BC and JL have accomplished so much more than me?
I live one town over from BC's family and they used to live in CA not too far from us. Our families are friends, not terribly close, but we'll say hi and stop and talk if we see each other. BC got a Nationwide ride back in '08, but the team got rid of that car so now he's just back in sprint cars and midgets. He's won a handful of national races and all this crazy stuff. He's completely independent and owns an apartment in North Carolina. He's only a year older than me.
JL lived on the East coast so we never raced against each other, but one time we went out to the Eastern Grands and he raced against my brother - before I was really into racing. He moved up through the ranks so quickly. Win one championship, move on to the next level of racing. He now races in Nascar. Had to wait to get into Nationwide because he wasn't 18 when he was signed to a team. Last year he took over the Home Depot sponsorship and the No. 20 car as well. He won a race too. He is my age, just a few weeks younger, literally.
Moving into another of my favorite sports, we have SC, captain of the Penguins at 20. He was in the Stanley Cup finals, leading his team through an extremely tough playoff season, at 20 years old. They lost that year, came back to win the next. He's 22 now and it just stuns me what he has accomplished at such a young age. He entered the NHL when he was 18! Just skipped the college playing part. Skipped being in the development teams. Oh, be the highest scorer on the team? Sure, no problem. Playoff season? Yeah, I can get you there. Oh, want a rematch against Detroit for the cup? Yeah, let's win it.
It just makes me look at my life and wonder where I could be. An Olympic ice skater, about to wrap up the end of her career? The classier version of DP? (Congrats on your 6th place Arca finish. Like that's anything to brag about, but it's all you hear about racing.) Even though I won awards for my photos in high school, I haven't done anything in college. I feel like I just should be more accomplished and I'm not. I feel like a failure. I feel like I didn't capitalize on the options that were out there for me. And now I'm just stuck in this ho-hum life, looking at what other have, wishing I had it too.
Anyone else get like this sometimes?
2.09.2010
Crush
I've been struggling with this post for a long time, but I'm just going to write it and get it out there and whoever reacts to it can react to it. For about the past year I've had a crush on someone, even though I'm in a relationship. I'm told this is natural, but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think telling K would make me feel any better, because I am sure he does not have a crush of his own. Maybe it's my certainty that he does not experience the same problem that makes me feel so guilty about it.
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
I had forgotten about my crush until A's party a couple of weekends ago. Well, I hadn't forgotten about the person, certainly, since we're pretty good friends, but I forgot about the crush aspect. Anyway, A and I were playing Twilight Princess the Friday before her party, just having a good time like we did last year when everyone would come over and play video games, when there's a knock at the door. A opens it and it's him. And it just wasn't something I was prepared for. We hung out before school started and a couple of times last semester, but...I don't know. Something brought first semester rushing back. Probably that I was already thinking about how it was back then.
Back then would refer to when we always hung out in our room and played video games together, I guess. He, L and I shared A's twin bed one night when seven people decided to sleep in our room. L ended up sleeping with her head around my stomach. Since I was on my side this created an awkward arm; I could place it behind my back, on L's face or on his chest. I asked permission, quietly explaining why. He said sure so I placed my arm in about the most neutral spot I could think of - dead middle of his torso. He moved it up to his shoulder. I took my arm back after 5 minutes and found that L had shifted so I could put my arm there without suffocating her.
K and I broke up for a short period of time second semester. It happened to be on a night when my crush came over to campus (he lived in an apartment). It was his first time meeting some of the guys on the floor. Two days later he came over again and teased me because I left him alone with people he hardly knew. I apologized and explained how the rest of my night went. He looked stunned and gave me a hug, something kind of out of character for him. A mentioned how I went up to her room (she lived 4 floors up) to watch a movie with her. He said I should have gone to him, since he was just down the hall on my floor, and we could have walked around campus.
Am I looking into this too much? I think my feelings are returned, but it could just be the situations. I really hope it's just the situations because I'm not sure I can deal with the implications.
You know what I did earlier the day of A's party? We went out to dinner b/c everyone else ditched and I didn't feel like cooking. We were in his car on the way to dinner. He was poking fun at me and I was countering. Then there was a silence and we were just listening to the music. That's when I told him I missed him. And he goes, really? He looks over at me and I look at him and I'm like, yeah, I really do. And just something in the way he looked at me made me sure he missed me too.
I'm so stupid! It's so stupid! I shouldn't like someone else when I'm in a relationship. But everyone I've talked to says it's okay. It's not okay! Just because I would never act upon my feelings for this person does not mean it is okay to have feelings for him in the first place! Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, so why do I feel so damn guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. It's just a crush. I'll get over it. But it's been a year, and I thought I had gotten over it. I mean, we hung out a couple of times last semester and once we spent half the day together during the summer and I was fine, we were fine, it was fine. These feelings all of a sudden just came rushing back. I wish there were a way to just make it go away, for me to just forget it. But I can't, can I? There's a reason I like this person. There's a reason why we get along so well, why I'm always happy around him.
So what do I do about this crush?
2.06.2010
"Come home. The house is on fire."
Those are the first lines of an article in Skiing Magazine about a skier's house catching on fire. The author (and the author's wife) had time to go in and get things because the firefighters brought the fire under control. She got her passport and grandmother's jewelry. He got his passport, hard drive and ski boots.
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
I had a very lengthy post here speculating about what I would save and what would happen if the fire was this way or that way or if it was at my parent's house or at my apartment, if I was there when it started, if I was out. It's all very interesting, but it's something interesting to have a conversation with someone about, not so much when you're just reading it. So if you have an hour to kill and like hypothetical situations, let's hash this out together. It'll be fun. =)
If not, it's fine, here's the condensed version. We'd all save similar things if we faced an ideal situation (meaning family/housemates and pets are safe). Computer (/laptop/other similar item), school related items (textbooks), important documents (SS card, passport, birth certificate, etc), major sentimental items (heirlooms), wallet/purse/car keys, change of clothes, hobby related items (like that guy's ski boots, or my camera, or J's/N's art supplies). Chances are, we won't have time to save all that. Probably not even half that. So get a fireproof safe and put your important documents that you don't use regularly and your heirlooms in there and maybe your extra set of car keys.
No seriously, I had a really really long post about all that. Even a paragraph about the fireproof safe.
Heads up, I have two posts in the works. One about A's b-day party. No, two about that. Another about skiing. Just b/c I love it so much. Was going to add the skiing to this one, but I'll save it for later. Or maybe just later today. XD
2.01.2010
Just for Men!
Centrum commercials need to be banned from the airwaves. Their "Just for Men" campaign is driving me crazy. Duct tape is just for men. Razors are just for men. Wrenches are just for men. Recliners are just for men.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Totally.
I swear, if they don't get enough backlash and go off television soon I am going to take action. There are so many other things they could use that are made just for men. Like jock straps!
Yeesh.
Sweatshirt
I have a lot of hoodies. And now, more recently, I've been acquiring a lot of jackets. But there is one sweatshirt that I will never part with, and I just realized why.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
It's been really cold lately so I've just been wearing long sleeves and my thick jacket to get me through the day. It keeps me warm as I rush from class to class and since I wear long sleeves, I'm fine in our 65 degree apartment. I haven't worn a sweatshirt since I was at home, and usually that's a zip up. Today I wore a t-shirt under my jacket. I got cold when I came home so I put on a sweatshirt. An actual sweatshirt. I didn't really care which one, I just wanted something to keep me warm.
The Tulsa Shootout one was the closest.
It's just a small grey, men's sweatshirt with the Tulsa Shootout logo across the chest and down the right arm in orange. Goes with anything so long as you're going casual. It fits me exactly how I would want a sweatshirt to fit me, perhaps from years of wear, pulling the sleeves this way, pushing the pocket that way. At any rate, it feels just amazing. And, despite it being a men's sweatshirt, I think I look wonderful in it. I feel like me.
It's strange to think that simply a piece of clothing can make me feel this good, but it really does. I guess I'm just curious to know if anyone else feels the same. Do you have one piece of clothing that just makes you feel amazing? I was surprised to find mine, but I'm really quite satisfied with it now that I know.
1.29.2010
Those People...
We all have them. It's a new semester. You have new classes with new people. And in every class, there's that one person you don't know, but you're interested in them. Whether they have cool shoes or brightly colored hair, or act like they're from a certain part of the country, or remind you of someone you once knew, or just someone really nice. You want to get to know them. Sometimes they don't reveal themselves right away, and usually by the end of the semester you're just down to one. I think I already have my one.
Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.
I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.
I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?
Some semesters you never get to know more than their name. You don't sit by them, you don't get to know them, you don't find out if they're who you imagine they are. And it kinda gets stalker-y, you know? As the semester goes on and you still don't know this person. You become slightly obsessed. Who is this person? What about them is so intriguing? Why can't I just walk up and say, "I find you fascinating. Tell me about yourself"? I'll tell you why you can't do that. It's not socially acceptable. It's considered being socially inept.
I wonder if these people know they are those people. If they know people want to know more about them, if they relish the thought of being admired. I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me better. I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, I've only ever really gotten to know one of my "people," but this semester I'm going to meet another one. Well, ok, here's the breakdown. First semester, failed. I don't even know her name anymore. Second semester, succeeded. I got to know the guy, and we're ok friends. Third semester, kind of succeeded. I know his name, I got to know what intrigued me in the first place, I'm satisfied. This semester I hope to succeed again. I already have picked out my person and she seems very eager to get to know me too. We've talked twice already. Once about her shoes (she had wonderful gray boots on, and we all know my fruitless search for gray boots), the next about our similar backpacks and her matching jacket. She's not overly friendly and speaks up in class when she has something good to say, but not enough to be obnoxious. She's nice and she also has other friends in the class, so the fact she talks to me is kind of interesting. She doesn't sit with the friends though.
I dunno, I only started doing this in college so maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just a creeper. But...I have a feeling I'm not the only one who does stuff like this. It's just my strange way of meeting people, I guess. Yeah. What do you think? Is this weird, or no weirder than usual?
1.28.2010
Crowded Busses
I don't mind taking the bus to campus. It's convenient and usually fairly quick. It's cheaper than a parking pass too. And reliable.
But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.
Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.
I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.
I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.
The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.
I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.
Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.
But there are those times when, for some strange reason, everyone and their mom decides it is time to take the bus. I don't know how it happens because the busses are never that crowded heading back to the apartments, and we have a direct bus so it's not like they all go elsewhere. It's never the same time either. Some days it's the 8:40am bus. Other's the 7:40am. Other times it's the 9:10am.
Today it was the 9:10am. It's strange because usually the 10 after busses aren't that full. The 10 after busses get to campus at 20 after, 10 minutes before the 30 after classes start, which there aren't that many of, especially at 9:30am. The busses can fit about 70 really tight. Usually the bus has about 50. Today we fit 78.
I'm always one of the last people to get on, leaving my apartment at 9:07 (it's less than a minute walk to the bus stop). Today when I arrived, the bus was already full. The driver had stopped letting people on. About 10 of us stood out there, waiting to hear that another bus was coming for us shortly. Then 5 more showed up. And that's when she told us to all climb on. I stepped back and let most people on before me. I ended up getting squished between a tall guy in a puffy black jacket who does not want to move budge and a girl in a black peacoat with a large rump who keeps shifting around.
I'm sure you can imagine, I got to know them both very well.
The middle of the aisle opened up so I moved myself out there as best I could. My right foot and arm remained where they were. My arm stayed there by choice. I liked my holding. The girl ahead of me didn't. Or she thought I was trying to be her boyfriend. I really felt like I was wrapping my arm around her. But that's nothing compared to my poor foot's situation. See I tried to move my foot out of there. But it was caught in the trap. Shift girl had shifted her foot right into mine and kept pushing it back until I hit no-budge guy and, obviously, he didn't budge. I turned my foot to take up less room and managed to be pinned at the narrowest part of the shoe. I was stuck.
I tried to rescue my foot. I couldn't. I tried nudging Shifty and No-Budge. No luck. I wiggled. A lot. And I just couldn't get my foot! Do you know how much that sucks? My foot was alllll the way over there and the rest of my body somewhere else. It was like being pulled by my arm and my leg. And it didn't end until we got off the bus.
Next time I'm forcing the lady to call the other bus. I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you.
1.16.2010
Things to come...
I had a post here that bitched about my younger brother getting treated less strictly than I did at his age. I took it down. The topic is old and cliche and I could do a far better job of creatively talking about this subject when I have had a decent amount of sleep and am not writing immediately after an offense has occurred.
So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD
I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.
Ok, that's all! Night!
So prepare for that. Know that I am mad and that I dread coming home/spending time with my family because I wonder what injustice (just wrote unjustice and seriously wondered why it was wrong, that's how tired I am) I will be faced with this time. My parents think they make up for it by giving me pretty much no restrictions anymore, but it just makes me feel like they don't care. [insert slightly sarcastic "T_T"] What a sad family life I lead now. XD
I would also like to ask what you guys would like to hear about. Since coming to the Chili Bowl (the biggest midget (race cars, people, gosh!) event of the winter, possibly the year) and seeing many old quarter midget friends I am tempted to reminisce so if there is anything you would like to know about my past, I would love diving into that. Really. Anything. It's not that I'm out of ideas - I have double the posts in my drafts than I have published - it's just that I don't know what people want to hear. So throw some ideas out, let me know you're still reading (even if only mildly interested XP). I can say that I think I'll make a post about my quarter midget days (but if you have an angle, let me know please). I'm going to finish up, polish and publish a post about why I don't drink and another post about...well....something. It'sreallyacoolpostbutI'mscaredtotalkaboutitbecauseofhowsomepeoplemightreact.
Ok, that's all! Night!
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