Acting (im)Mature

I've always been told by adults that I act older than my age. I wonder if they were really watching me. I think I act younger.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know how to act older, I just choose not to most of the time. It's no fun. I always associate acting mature with unhappiness and problems and responsibilities that I, as someone who is not yet a "true" adult, has no business dealing with. However as someone who is technically an adult, perhaps I should start worrying about these things. But don't you just have those times where all you want is to swing as high as you possibly can at the park?

I don't know. I think society is messed up. Society seems to think I should be "having fun" with my friends at the mall or my boyfriend in the back of his car or at some party with a bunch of people I don't know. Not happily swinging in the park. Doing just this gets me many stares because I'm having fun at an age where I shouldn't be having fun that way. But society doesn't want me spending my parents money at the mall because that's a waste. Society doesn't want me making out with my boyfriend because that can lead to many other things of higher consequence. Society doesn't want me at some party because that could end up with me dead in the middle of the highway after causing some other poor kid's death.

I really do not understand society. Just because I fall into a particular age range, I am not subject to many stereotypes regarding all aspects of my life. I will not be hypocritical and shun them all, because I do believe that some of those assumptions hold true for most cases, but to look at someone and say, "I know exactly how you are," just because I was born in a certain year really bugs me. Maybe it's because of the whole tolerance thing I've got going on.

I guess this is how I'm supposed to try and convince you I can be mature. I don't think it's working.

So where does this all leave me? I'm still at the same place I started. Just another new adult wondering how to keep her childhood while at the same time growing up.

It's not exactly working for me.

Turning Point

So. It's been a while.

No really, it has been quite a long while. Let's sit down and talk. You free now?

Oh, I see. Well some other time maybe.

Maybe seems like all it will ever be. I feel like I've lost all my friends from back in sophomore year. From back at Leland. And the ones I have in Carmel just don't take the cake. Not like they did. I wonder whose fault that is really. I can't say it is her fault for not IMing me when she hasn't been online when I haven't made any efforts either. I can't say it is her fault we don't send letters back and forth like we swore we would when I haven't made any efforts to do just that. I can't say it is her fault when she is the one who is always there for me, who I always call, who I always turn to when I haven't made the same efforts for her. I can't say it is her fault that our friendship has changed in meaning when I haven't made efforts to preserve it.

So I turn to those out here. But she doesn't understand my past, she only understands the now. But she can't relate to my problems, she is so sheltered. But she won't see my side of the issue, she is on the other side. She can't be bothered by me anymore, she is too busy.

So who do I turn to when I am feeling down?

The ones who I can't see. I turn to Maryland. I turn to SoCal. I turn to Berkeley. I turn to Texas. I turn to Connecticut.

But none of those can take the place of the ones I had. So who do I have?

I've got me. And for now, that will have to do.

When an old friend from yearbook went to a private high school, those left behind were lost. Not all, and not all at the same time. Some slowly, some quickly. I finally understand this. I don't understand why, but I understand this as the process that all who move must go through eventually. I'll pick some to keep and some to leave, but the number will be smaller yet again. I worry that my decision will be the wrong one.

I wonder if there is a right way to go about doing this. How do you say to someone who has been there in some of your worst times, "Sorry, it's such a bother to keep in touch with you as much as I deem necessary for such a friend, so I'm cutting you"?

The answer comes back faster than an echo.

You can't so you don't.

Hey you. It's been a while. Want to go sit down and talk with me a while?