Turning Point

So. It's been a while.

No really, it has been quite a long while. Let's sit down and talk. You free now?

Oh, I see. Well some other time maybe.

Maybe seems like all it will ever be. I feel like I've lost all my friends from back in sophomore year. From back at Leland. And the ones I have in Carmel just don't take the cake. Not like they did. I wonder whose fault that is really. I can't say it is her fault for not IMing me when she hasn't been online when I haven't made any efforts either. I can't say it is her fault we don't send letters back and forth like we swore we would when I haven't made any efforts to do just that. I can't say it is her fault when she is the one who is always there for me, who I always call, who I always turn to when I haven't made the same efforts for her. I can't say it is her fault that our friendship has changed in meaning when I haven't made efforts to preserve it.

So I turn to those out here. But she doesn't understand my past, she only understands the now. But she can't relate to my problems, she is so sheltered. But she won't see my side of the issue, she is on the other side. She can't be bothered by me anymore, she is too busy.

So who do I turn to when I am feeling down?

The ones who I can't see. I turn to Maryland. I turn to SoCal. I turn to Berkeley. I turn to Texas. I turn to Connecticut.

But none of those can take the place of the ones I had. So who do I have?

I've got me. And for now, that will have to do.

When an old friend from yearbook went to a private high school, those left behind were lost. Not all, and not all at the same time. Some slowly, some quickly. I finally understand this. I don't understand why, but I understand this as the process that all who move must go through eventually. I'll pick some to keep and some to leave, but the number will be smaller yet again. I worry that my decision will be the wrong one.

I wonder if there is a right way to go about doing this. How do you say to someone who has been there in some of your worst times, "Sorry, it's such a bother to keep in touch with you as much as I deem necessary for such a friend, so I'm cutting you"?

The answer comes back faster than an echo.

You can't so you don't.

Hey you. It's been a while. Want to go sit down and talk with me a while?