Trying

I try to keep it under wraps, but I actually have pretty low self-confidence. I'd like to point out (or make the distinction or whatever) that this does not mean I have low self-esteem or otherwise think my worth is in the low-ish range. I just don't have confidence in myself. I used to take my self confidence from racing. That's a pretty empowering sport to compete in, for anyone, not just a girl, though obviously that adds to its effects. When I stopped racing, I picked up photography and was the go-to-girl for the high school newspaper and yearbook. I had people relying on me. I took my confidence from that.

So the problem comes in college. In college, everyone is self-reliant. You don't depend on others to help you or to turn a decent project into something amazing. It's all on you. No one else needs you. The newspaper is cool, but they can get along without you. Someone else will take the photo. And you don't have your "I play [enter uber cool sport here]" to fall back on. It's just you. And, at least for me, I fell apart. I got lost. I didn't have anyone who needed me to do anything for them. I didn't get praise for my work. I didn't have a source of self-confidence. And I don't think I ever learned how to have self-confidence that just generates inside me. Before racing it was ice skating and before ice skating I was just 3 years old so I didn't have that sort of self-actualization need going on. I dabble in ways to find self-confidence. But there lies another problem.

I hop from thing to thing to get self-confidence. Oh, doing poorly in ice skating? Pick up racing. Not doing well in racing? Cut back so it's just a fun thing you do when you're not taking photos for school. Don't have high school anymore? No worries, we have the student newspaper and rugby. Oh, no more time for rugby? No worries, here's the English class you're doing well in. I didn't like journalism so I turned to Japanese. Japanese wasn't going well, so I turned to teaching English. I adjusted my whole plan of study because I didn't have enough self-confidence to pursue something difficult to me. So maybe that's extrapolating a little, but you see the issue here? That actually happened. I let that happen. And yes, there were other factors, but I can't order them. I can't tell you which is more important, which is closer to the truth.

I know this though - I stop trying. If something stops working, I stop trying. If something stops being easy, I don't want to put the effort in to try to make it easier. I don't try hard enough to get internships or summer jobs. I don't try hard enough to be on the front page of the newspaper. I don't try hard enough to be great at rugby. I used to not have to try to get good grades. Then I started getting decent grades and I didn't want to try in school anymore. I don't know how to try and get what I want from life. I'm used to it just kind of falling in my lap. Not being handed to me, exactly, just more me stumbling upon it. And I took self-confidence from those things. And right now, I seem to just be stumbling around, realizing that I can't keep hoping these things will keep falling from the sky. It's a good thing to realize, but a hard thing to try and accept.