I don't get this whole finding friends in college thing. I really don't. This is where you're supposed to make all the friends you'll invite to your wedding, right? I've made one friend I am certain I will invite to my wedding. Just one. After almost 3 full years. So where's the whole bridal party that I'm supposedly going to find in college? My mom's bridesmaids were her closest sorority sisters. And one high school friend. My high school friends talk about their group of college friends like they'll be lifelong friends and all be in each other's weddings and be important to each other forever. Bleh. I detest even thinking about being invited to a wedding of one of my peers, let alone the logistics of one I'm involved in. So let's be clear. I'm not saying I need to be all 27 Dresses about a bridal party, but I really feel like I'm missing out on a majorly important college experience with the lifelong friend thing here.
Straight up, I have 4 friends I would die for. I can't say that yet for anyone I've met in college. I can't point to my group of friends in college and say, "These are people I will stick with my whole life." All my other close friends, including those 4, have a group they can say that for. I can't figure out what it is that I'm missing. I've done all the right things. I've been friends with all my roommates. I've joined clubs and done sports, but no friends really came from that. I have groups of people I talk to in each of my majors/minors. I have groups I party with. I know people. But I'm not amazingly close to any of them.
Maybe I've just already made my lifelong friends. The people I know will stick by my side my whole life are people I met in (or prior to) high school. I'm not quite there yet with any of my college friends. I feel like I should be, especially with a few of them. Maybe the issue is that I have high standards for close friends. I'm easy to get to know, easy to call a friend, but it's a whole different story if I call you a close friend. Once you're a close friend, a lifelong friend, I have all these expectations that we'll stay in touch and that I can call you up when shit goes down and that there won't be limits to what we talk about.
I don't mind that my college friends aren't my lifelong friends, but I do want some of them to be. I guess it just takes a lot of time for me to get to that point with people. That's okay, I suppose, it just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm not there yet. I love my college friends, but I want to make sure I don't forget about them after graduation. There's not really a way to ensure that though is there?
3.31.2011
3.23.2011
Only in College...
Can you come to an English class, reeking of alcohol and still have more intelligent things to say than most of the class. Oh, don't worry, not me. I'm just making an observation. I adore these humanities classes, and hate them at the same time. Mostly b/c the smell is making me wish it were Spring Break already. I swear it's some sort of fruity rum this guy was tossing back.
Well, that and the fact that I'm driving myself insane. You can always tell that something is wrong if I start cleaning. And I not only cleaned Milo's cage tonight, but my entire room and started doing crazy laundry and reorganizing my closet and some of the kitchen. Multiple tests in one week stinks. It's more than that, but I really don't feel like getting into it when I should be studying.
But! After my test it's just planning for Colorado! Which means hair cut, car wash, oil change, brake system flush, alignment check (which will be "Oh hey this part on your front axel is messed up. Let's fix it for a grand even though it drives straight and nothing is bowed out." So long as nothing's changed from that, we're good) annnnd new windshield wipers. I think that's it. I'll vacuum and add wiper fluid too. I suppose my care shouldn't be all about my car. I'll pack too. Gotta get the Wii together. XD
Oh, and hey ladies, on most cars you should be able to do everything but the alignment check yourself (and even that you can do an unofficial test - does it drive straight when you put your wheel straight?). I can't b/c my car is stupid and requires a special $40 tool from the company to change the oil and won't let you flush the brakes unless it's in the air. Retarded car, not letting me show off. But! See, there's these things that cars have called manuals and they have instructions on how to do everything including: change a tire, change oil, flush the brakes. You can change your headlights too! Or see how long it takes your dad to do it, get frustrated when he doesn't listen to you, take the bulb from him and do it yourself in 30 seconds. So don't be a man and read the instructions! It'll make you sexier.
Well, that and the fact that I'm driving myself insane. You can always tell that something is wrong if I start cleaning. And I not only cleaned Milo's cage tonight, but my entire room and started doing crazy laundry and reorganizing my closet and some of the kitchen. Multiple tests in one week stinks. It's more than that, but I really don't feel like getting into it when I should be studying.
But! After my test it's just planning for Colorado! Which means hair cut, car wash, oil change, brake system flush, alignment check (which will be "Oh hey this part on your front axel is messed up. Let's fix it for a grand even though it drives straight and nothing is bowed out." So long as nothing's changed from that, we're good) annnnd new windshield wipers. I think that's it. I'll vacuum and add wiper fluid too. I suppose my care shouldn't be all about my car. I'll pack too. Gotta get the Wii together. XD
Oh, and hey ladies, on most cars you should be able to do everything but the alignment check yourself (and even that you can do an unofficial test - does it drive straight when you put your wheel straight?). I can't b/c my car is stupid and requires a special $40 tool from the company to change the oil and won't let you flush the brakes unless it's in the air. Retarded car, not letting me show off. But! See, there's these things that cars have called manuals and they have instructions on how to do everything including: change a tire, change oil, flush the brakes. You can change your headlights too! Or see how long it takes your dad to do it, get frustrated when he doesn't listen to you, take the bulb from him and do it yourself in 30 seconds. So don't be a man and read the instructions! It'll make you sexier.
3.22.2011
Question 4: Burnt Out
My mom and I took a cruise to Alaska over the summer. It was a more formal cruising style and for dinner we were assigned dining partners. Our first dining partner was a 65+ retired man who spent his time travelling around the western hemisphere with various companions. I kid you not. The one this year (well, the last 2 years) was a 40-something home economics teacher from Texas. They were a hoot.
But this lady, goodness…she should not be allowed back into the classroom. She called her former students “gnats.” She told me I should never go into teaching, especially not high school. That I’d never change or impact these kids lives. I had to stop myself from laughing. I wanted to tell her that if she really thought that she never made an impact, positive or negative, on her student’s lives then she was surely delusional. During dinner, this woman got up to use the bathroom. My mom leaned over and whispered (not that she would have needed to, the man already had 2 bottles of wine so he wasn’t much occupied with us) that she was clearly burnt out and needed to get out of the school. She probably was impacting her students negatively. I shouldn't let her get to me.
Last week in my education preparation class we started talking about teachers and stress. How new teacher stress is different from normal teacher stress. How 40% of education grads will get a job and won't hold it for 3 years before leaving the field permanently. It's over 60% for after 5. And maybe it's that they changed career paths, maybe it's that they are now married with kids, maybe they died of being over-stressed. Regardless. They're gone from being a formal educator for good.
I'm concerned about becoming one of those statistics. I helped out one hour last Monday and then on an all day field trip and I thought to myself that I simply couldn't stand it. On Wednesday I felt ill, so I told my teacher I wouldn't be coming in. I probably could have, but I was so relieved to just have an excuse to not go in, even just for that hour. I actually did get worse as the day went on, so I ended up not going to volunteering later, but I had been dreading that since waking up in the morning. If there were any doubt in my mind about being a high school educator, this would have knocked the questions out of me. I can't deal with people who are younger than 14 for days on end. I simply can't deal with it. I'm not certain I'll be able to deal with 14 year olds every day, but hopefully I'll serve my time and then get the Honors track kiddos, or higher power willing, the college bound AP students.
So I'm starting to focus on how I can prevent burn out. They say it's because of a lot of stress, so you have to know how to balance your work life and your home life. Try not to bring grading home with you, get it all done at school. Go in early and stay late and deal with all your students' problems (b/c you're their awesome teacher, you have to be there for them 24/7), but don't let that flow into your home. It seems contradictory to me, so I'm ignoring that. I'm going to find an outside place to relieve stress. I'm also hoping to incorporate exercise into this.
I've been researching yoga studios in the city and there's a few different options. Unfortunately, yoga isn't exactly an inexpensive thing to pick up, so I'm starting with a few community classes on the weekends after break. We'll see where things go from there. This is kinda my only idea for stress relief so far. I'm trying to think of what I do when I get angry or need to get away. I go driving on random roads, I eat a lot of ice cream, I roller blade, I spend time with dogs. This semester it's been mostly the ice cream. I'd do the roller blading more if the trails around here were paved and not gravel. I can volunteer at the local humane society, but I need to get my future job in order. I know most of the roads around the city by now and, as I said, cutting back on the ice cream. So! Yoga! What do you guys think? Will I completely fail at this or will it actually do some good?
But this lady, goodness…she should not be allowed back into the classroom. She called her former students “gnats.” She told me I should never go into teaching, especially not high school. That I’d never change or impact these kids lives. I had to stop myself from laughing. I wanted to tell her that if she really thought that she never made an impact, positive or negative, on her student’s lives then she was surely delusional. During dinner, this woman got up to use the bathroom. My mom leaned over and whispered (not that she would have needed to, the man already had 2 bottles of wine so he wasn’t much occupied with us) that she was clearly burnt out and needed to get out of the school. She probably was impacting her students negatively. I shouldn't let her get to me.
Last week in my education preparation class we started talking about teachers and stress. How new teacher stress is different from normal teacher stress. How 40% of education grads will get a job and won't hold it for 3 years before leaving the field permanently. It's over 60% for after 5. And maybe it's that they changed career paths, maybe it's that they are now married with kids, maybe they died of being over-stressed. Regardless. They're gone from being a formal educator for good.
I'm concerned about becoming one of those statistics. I helped out one hour last Monday and then on an all day field trip and I thought to myself that I simply couldn't stand it. On Wednesday I felt ill, so I told my teacher I wouldn't be coming in. I probably could have, but I was so relieved to just have an excuse to not go in, even just for that hour. I actually did get worse as the day went on, so I ended up not going to volunteering later, but I had been dreading that since waking up in the morning. If there were any doubt in my mind about being a high school educator, this would have knocked the questions out of me. I can't deal with people who are younger than 14 for days on end. I simply can't deal with it. I'm not certain I'll be able to deal with 14 year olds every day, but hopefully I'll serve my time and then get the Honors track kiddos, or higher power willing, the college bound AP students.
So I'm starting to focus on how I can prevent burn out. They say it's because of a lot of stress, so you have to know how to balance your work life and your home life. Try not to bring grading home with you, get it all done at school. Go in early and stay late and deal with all your students' problems (b/c you're their awesome teacher, you have to be there for them 24/7), but don't let that flow into your home. It seems contradictory to me, so I'm ignoring that. I'm going to find an outside place to relieve stress. I'm also hoping to incorporate exercise into this.
I've been researching yoga studios in the city and there's a few different options. Unfortunately, yoga isn't exactly an inexpensive thing to pick up, so I'm starting with a few community classes on the weekends after break. We'll see where things go from there. This is kinda my only idea for stress relief so far. I'm trying to think of what I do when I get angry or need to get away. I go driving on random roads, I eat a lot of ice cream, I roller blade, I spend time with dogs. This semester it's been mostly the ice cream. I'd do the roller blading more if the trails around here were paved and not gravel. I can volunteer at the local humane society, but I need to get my future job in order. I know most of the roads around the city by now and, as I said, cutting back on the ice cream. So! Yoga! What do you guys think? Will I completely fail at this or will it actually do some good?
3.16.2011
Kids of a certain age
B's comment was in passing, but it really struck me. I was talking about the field trip I helped out on earlier today and the behavior of the kids. He said he was so glad he'd never be that age again.
I agreed immediately, but after thinking about it I'm not so sure. So I started thinking about all the field trips I took in middle and early high school. All the notes I passed with J between classes. All the freaking epic 7th grade Core moments. All the crushes, some passing quicker than others, one lasting far far too long. Even though I am glad I'm not going to be that age again, there's certainly a nostalgia for it. And perhaps even a sense of missed experiences.
I feel like J and I should have documented our notes. I feel like I should have become closer to C sooner and started doing cartoon sketches with her. I feel like I should have gotten into DeviantArt more and explored photography and writing at the same time. I feel like I should have been bolder around guys at the race track. Good god, that would have caused mayhem. It's not that I regret not doing any of this, I just feel like that age is sort of incomplete. I wasn't the one to start a bus wide attempt to make truckers laugh. I wasn't the one to run around on a field trip with my friends, linking arms as we ran station to station.
It took a lot of control not to laugh when a kid made a joke with a swear word in it and instead shout out "Hey, language!" Maybe I'm not ready to be a teacher yet. I still relate to these kids too much, see too much of how I act when I'm around my closest friends in each of them. In one sense I hope two years changes that, but the general feeling is that I'm dreading that. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to leave "that age" behind. I never want to stop having fun with my friends without needing alcohol. I never want to forget what it's like to sit on cement and eat lunch outside. I never want to stop enjoying life the way I did when I was younger.
I agreed immediately, but after thinking about it I'm not so sure. So I started thinking about all the field trips I took in middle and early high school. All the notes I passed with J between classes. All the freaking epic 7th grade Core moments. All the crushes, some passing quicker than others, one lasting far far too long. Even though I am glad I'm not going to be that age again, there's certainly a nostalgia for it. And perhaps even a sense of missed experiences.
I feel like J and I should have documented our notes. I feel like I should have become closer to C sooner and started doing cartoon sketches with her. I feel like I should have gotten into DeviantArt more and explored photography and writing at the same time. I feel like I should have been bolder around guys at the race track. Good god, that would have caused mayhem. It's not that I regret not doing any of this, I just feel like that age is sort of incomplete. I wasn't the one to start a bus wide attempt to make truckers laugh. I wasn't the one to run around on a field trip with my friends, linking arms as we ran station to station.
It took a lot of control not to laugh when a kid made a joke with a swear word in it and instead shout out "Hey, language!" Maybe I'm not ready to be a teacher yet. I still relate to these kids too much, see too much of how I act when I'm around my closest friends in each of them. In one sense I hope two years changes that, but the general feeling is that I'm dreading that. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to leave "that age" behind. I never want to stop having fun with my friends without needing alcohol. I never want to forget what it's like to sit on cement and eat lunch outside. I never want to stop enjoying life the way I did when I was younger.
3.10.2011
'Spress Yo'self!
"We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents." - Emerson, Self-Reliance
I suspect most of you have stumbled across that line before in a high school literature course. It seems to really sink in with me finally. I've been thinking a lot lately about how to express myself and dealing with general negative emotions, specifically anger and sadness. And then J has this bloody brilliant post about flying off the handle on someone and how her anger scared her. So I'm going to take time to take these thoughts that have been swirling in my head for half a year and put them down.
There's different stages to my anger. The first is just scratching the surface, and it's usually resolved in 5 minutes b/c I'll have calmed down and forgotten why I was angry in the first place. The second is if you actually irritate me. And when most people turn away from confrontation, I seek it out. I want to argue until things are worked out. I hate walking away from someone when I'm angry. We both know we're upset so why hide it? It seems cowardly and like you don't respect me enough to think we'll still be friends after this is resolved. Isn't the whole point for this to be resolved? So let's get to it, and fast. About halfway through arguing, I forget what we started arguing about. And about the same time I calm down and rationally think about what was said and come to some conclusion where we're no longer mad at each other and everything is good. Just don't breech that topic again for a week-ish. I'm fine with how I handle this. It's not a perfect way of getting angry, but it works for me.
But when I get really angry, that's when it gets bad. My anger has never scared me. Ever. But I'm not ignorant enough to believe it has never scared anyone else. It's not that I enjoy getting angry, but there is a certain thrill to it. You hit that point when you get so angry that you start to shake and maybe even cry and you don't know how to evaluate these emotions, how to understand them, quantify them, express them. My "super anger" needs to be expressed in some more effective way. It's not that I shouldn't express myself (Emerson would be so disappointed if I suggested that) nor am I ashamed of how my anger currently manifests itself. I just know it's not good! See, when I get really angry, I get aggressive. I flirt with being verbally abusive. I spew random hurtful insults just because I can. I turn into this irrational being with these huuuuge blinders that block any counterpoint, any attempt to find some middle ground. That's not...anything positive. At all.
So how do I address that this needs to change without changing who I am? It seems to me that I wouldn't be fully expressing myself then. I would be shamed into silence. I would be limiting myself. And that is more or less precisely what I am trying to avoid. I feel like I just need to stop being as much of a bitch when I get angry. I should just stop being petty when arguing and then everything would be okay. I haven't been really super angry in a while and don't plan on getting that angry any time soon, but I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm quite the opposite with sadness. I hide that away under lock and key. No one is allowed to know I'm sad. Recently, my boyfriend and I were cuddling (I know, cue the ewwws) and he randomly asked if I was okay. I said yeah, but truth is I was hit with a wave of sadness about 30 minutes earlier while doing homework. There was absolutely no reason for me to be sad and I'd managed to hide it thus far so why ruin a perfectly good snuggle session by saying that I was mildly sad without any idea as to why? But just like I dislike when people turn away from anger, I bet he at least somewhat dislikes that I didn't let him know I felt sad. So that's making me feel guilty and a bit sad, but hell will freeze over before I let on to that in person.
I don't know why I feel so differently about sadness than anger. If anything, I should think that anger should never be expressed because it was so severely punished when shown as a kid...and my parents never ever argued in front of my brother or I. But sadness was okay. Being sad was fine. I just stopped showing it somewhere along the line. Maybe it was a sort of backfire or rebellion to how I was brought up. I don't know. I don't know! I want to express these emotions honestly and freely, but without making a freaking scene. I feel like I've never expressed negative emotions in a good way. Ever. And it's about damn time I learn how to do that. We all gotta grow up sometime, right?
I suspect most of you have stumbled across that line before in a high school literature course. It seems to really sink in with me finally. I've been thinking a lot lately about how to express myself and dealing with general negative emotions, specifically anger and sadness. And then J has this bloody brilliant post about flying off the handle on someone and how her anger scared her. So I'm going to take time to take these thoughts that have been swirling in my head for half a year and put them down.
There's different stages to my anger. The first is just scratching the surface, and it's usually resolved in 5 minutes b/c I'll have calmed down and forgotten why I was angry in the first place. The second is if you actually irritate me. And when most people turn away from confrontation, I seek it out. I want to argue until things are worked out. I hate walking away from someone when I'm angry. We both know we're upset so why hide it? It seems cowardly and like you don't respect me enough to think we'll still be friends after this is resolved. Isn't the whole point for this to be resolved? So let's get to it, and fast. About halfway through arguing, I forget what we started arguing about. And about the same time I calm down and rationally think about what was said and come to some conclusion where we're no longer mad at each other and everything is good. Just don't breech that topic again for a week-ish. I'm fine with how I handle this. It's not a perfect way of getting angry, but it works for me.
But when I get really angry, that's when it gets bad. My anger has never scared me. Ever. But I'm not ignorant enough to believe it has never scared anyone else. It's not that I enjoy getting angry, but there is a certain thrill to it. You hit that point when you get so angry that you start to shake and maybe even cry and you don't know how to evaluate these emotions, how to understand them, quantify them, express them. My "super anger" needs to be expressed in some more effective way. It's not that I shouldn't express myself (Emerson would be so disappointed if I suggested that) nor am I ashamed of how my anger currently manifests itself. I just know it's not good! See, when I get really angry, I get aggressive. I flirt with being verbally abusive. I spew random hurtful insults just because I can. I turn into this irrational being with these huuuuge blinders that block any counterpoint, any attempt to find some middle ground. That's not...anything positive. At all.
So how do I address that this needs to change without changing who I am? It seems to me that I wouldn't be fully expressing myself then. I would be shamed into silence. I would be limiting myself. And that is more or less precisely what I am trying to avoid. I feel like I just need to stop being as much of a bitch when I get angry. I should just stop being petty when arguing and then everything would be okay. I haven't been really super angry in a while and don't plan on getting that angry any time soon, but I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm quite the opposite with sadness. I hide that away under lock and key. No one is allowed to know I'm sad. Recently, my boyfriend and I were cuddling (I know, cue the ewwws) and he randomly asked if I was okay. I said yeah, but truth is I was hit with a wave of sadness about 30 minutes earlier while doing homework. There was absolutely no reason for me to be sad and I'd managed to hide it thus far so why ruin a perfectly good snuggle session by saying that I was mildly sad without any idea as to why? But just like I dislike when people turn away from anger, I bet he at least somewhat dislikes that I didn't let him know I felt sad. So that's making me feel guilty and a bit sad, but hell will freeze over before I let on to that in person.
I don't know why I feel so differently about sadness than anger. If anything, I should think that anger should never be expressed because it was so severely punished when shown as a kid...and my parents never ever argued in front of my brother or I. But sadness was okay. Being sad was fine. I just stopped showing it somewhere along the line. Maybe it was a sort of backfire or rebellion to how I was brought up. I don't know. I don't know! I want to express these emotions honestly and freely, but without making a freaking scene. I feel like I've never expressed negative emotions in a good way. Ever. And it's about damn time I learn how to do that. We all gotta grow up sometime, right?
3.07.2011
[insert Jaws theme here]
I grew up in a city that only had one national level sports team. I'm really not sure I would care had I not. But for as long as I can remember, I was taught to love hockey, love the Sharks, and hate the Ducks and the Flames. It's not like we were hurting for national level teams in the area. Two cities both about an hour north each had national baseball and football teams. The opposite sides of the bay were always in conflict with each other. But it seemed so far removed from the technology centered environment. How did the violent sport of hockey fit in any better then?
Somehow it worked. Even back in middle school drama class, when we were asked to portray a common occurrence without words, we sat down to watch a Sharks v. Kings game. And 90% of the class got it immediately. I can walk around campus during hockey season and I'll see someone with a shirt or keychain or hat of another team in our division and I'll high five them (or make some crack about they shouldn't bother trying to dethrone the team that's won the division so many years in a row, depending on the mood). It's like being a hockey fan is immediate membership to a secret club, and maybe that's what all the nerds loved about it. So hipster, liking something that's not cool. And it's considered foreign! Even better!
I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I have never bled the colors of any of my schools. It's always been teal and black. And now that it's getting to the last month of the season I am starting to hit my panic mode. It's not that the Sharks are doing poorly - they've actually quite turned it around since the mid-season slump. It's just what I do. This is when I start listening to every single game and start yelling at my computer and wearing my Sharks shirt on important game days. It doesn't quite fit with anything else I do, just like the Sharks themselves don't quite fit with anything else in their city. Yet a beloved part of the city they are, so yell I shall.
Somehow it worked. Even back in middle school drama class, when we were asked to portray a common occurrence without words, we sat down to watch a Sharks v. Kings game. And 90% of the class got it immediately. I can walk around campus during hockey season and I'll see someone with a shirt or keychain or hat of another team in our division and I'll high five them (or make some crack about they shouldn't bother trying to dethrone the team that's won the division so many years in a row, depending on the mood). It's like being a hockey fan is immediate membership to a secret club, and maybe that's what all the nerds loved about it. So hipster, liking something that's not cool. And it's considered foreign! Even better!
I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I have never bled the colors of any of my schools. It's always been teal and black. And now that it's getting to the last month of the season I am starting to hit my panic mode. It's not that the Sharks are doing poorly - they've actually quite turned it around since the mid-season slump. It's just what I do. This is when I start listening to every single game and start yelling at my computer and wearing my Sharks shirt on important game days. It doesn't quite fit with anything else I do, just like the Sharks themselves don't quite fit with anything else in their city. Yet a beloved part of the city they are, so yell I shall.
3.03.2011
Random Consmogglation
A few things fairly quickly here:
Remember last year at my service learning volunteer place I made dinner for 20 kiddos in about 20 minutes and it turned out pretty well? Well I made dinner again. And deboned two chickens. Guys, I don't even cook chicken breasts when they've been all nicely cut and cleaned and packaged. But there were chickens and they'd been boiled and now they needed to be deboned. And there I was. So...now I know how to debone chickens. It's really not as difficult as you might think.
This morning I was on the bus, listening to Rush rather loudly b/c I didn't sleep much the night before. I had Yyz (come on, it's on Guitar Hero guys, you've heard it) on and was rocking out and the guy next to me taps my shoulder. "Look, I love Rush, but I'm seeing buttons here. Can you change the song?" Annnnd that just made my morning.
This morning I also went to get Starbucks on campus. There was a line of at least 10 sorority girls ahead of me. B says they are notorious for ordering skinny vanilla lattes, so I text him making a joke that it's the invasion of the skinny vanilla lattes. 3 of the 5 girls ahead of me order skinny vanilla lattes. The other two order lite versions of various chilled drinks. Good god, I hate it when I'm right. Then I come along (having just started to play Rush b/c this place needed some nerding-up) and order a delicious fatty java chip thinger and get a few looks from the nike-sport short clad crowd. A: one. Latte invaders: zip.
And if you all could just do me a solid and skip to 8 minutes on this video and think of the most perfect spring day and I think you have a good sense of how I feel right now. J, new thing for us to do together. Just an idea. XP
Remember last year at my service learning volunteer place I made dinner for 20 kiddos in about 20 minutes and it turned out pretty well? Well I made dinner again. And deboned two chickens. Guys, I don't even cook chicken breasts when they've been all nicely cut and cleaned and packaged. But there were chickens and they'd been boiled and now they needed to be deboned. And there I was. So...now I know how to debone chickens. It's really not as difficult as you might think.
This morning I was on the bus, listening to Rush rather loudly b/c I didn't sleep much the night before. I had Yyz (come on, it's on Guitar Hero guys, you've heard it) on and was rocking out and the guy next to me taps my shoulder. "Look, I love Rush, but I'm seeing buttons here. Can you change the song?" Annnnd that just made my morning.
This morning I also went to get Starbucks on campus. There was a line of at least 10 sorority girls ahead of me. B says they are notorious for ordering skinny vanilla lattes, so I text him making a joke that it's the invasion of the skinny vanilla lattes. 3 of the 5 girls ahead of me order skinny vanilla lattes. The other two order lite versions of various chilled drinks. Good god, I hate it when I'm right. Then I come along (having just started to play Rush b/c this place needed some nerding-up) and order a delicious fatty java chip thinger and get a few looks from the nike-sport short clad crowd. A: one. Latte invaders: zip.
And if you all could just do me a solid and skip to 8 minutes on this video and think of the most perfect spring day and I think you have a good sense of how I feel right now. J, new thing for us to do together. Just an idea. XP
3.01.2011
Defriended
It's a strange thing for someone like me to deal with losing a friend. I mean, yeah, sometimes it happens. But it's not supposed to happen like this.
I know I wrote on here that I'd never speak to K again. But that was then. He and I became friends and over this winter break we were super close, but drifted a bit at the start of the school year. When I went home this weekend, I had dinner with him and his 3 roommates. And watched the two latest episodes of Chuck. And talked about my relationship. And when I left, I felt confident he and I were still awesome friends.
Then it's the next morning and I'm on Facebook and I don't see any posts from him, which is weird b/c he chronically posts. So I go check his page. And I can't see his wall. Oh, hey, I've been defriended. So I shoot him an email asking why. I know it's not a mistake that I've been defriended and it's okay, I'll put up with the minor insult, just tell me why. I get "Good bye" in return and when I send a "What? No! Why?" his way, I receive notification that I've been blocked and my emails will go straight to the trash. Oh. Do I dare even try the phone? I send the same message via text. No reply after 4 hours. I call him. One ring, then voicemail.
I honestly have no clue how to handle this. The logical part of my brain is winning and I haven't done anything, but the angry part is telling me to drive to his college and demand he explain himself. Or at least contact his military-to-be roommate and get him to kick K's butt. Another part thinks this will blow over in a week and it'll all be okay. But my fear is that it won't. Regardless of how the romantic relationship wound up, this kid was my closest friend in Indiana for four years and I'm not one to just give up on a friend, even if all signs are saying to. J can attest to this. You can tell me not to be friends with you and I just won't care. If I say we're friends then we're friends, damn it. I don't care if you like it or not.
But there is really so little I can do in this case. That's the part that's driving me the most insane. Not the not knowing why. Not the timing. Not the supposed reasoning. The fact that I am powerless to change this is what's upsetting me. I am powerless to help my friend.
I know I wrote on here that I'd never speak to K again. But that was then. He and I became friends and over this winter break we were super close, but drifted a bit at the start of the school year. When I went home this weekend, I had dinner with him and his 3 roommates. And watched the two latest episodes of Chuck. And talked about my relationship. And when I left, I felt confident he and I were still awesome friends.
Then it's the next morning and I'm on Facebook and I don't see any posts from him, which is weird b/c he chronically posts. So I go check his page. And I can't see his wall. Oh, hey, I've been defriended. So I shoot him an email asking why. I know it's not a mistake that I've been defriended and it's okay, I'll put up with the minor insult, just tell me why. I get "Good bye" in return and when I send a "What? No! Why?" his way, I receive notification that I've been blocked and my emails will go straight to the trash. Oh. Do I dare even try the phone? I send the same message via text. No reply after 4 hours. I call him. One ring, then voicemail.
I honestly have no clue how to handle this. The logical part of my brain is winning and I haven't done anything, but the angry part is telling me to drive to his college and demand he explain himself. Or at least contact his military-to-be roommate and get him to kick K's butt. Another part thinks this will blow over in a week and it'll all be okay. But my fear is that it won't. Regardless of how the romantic relationship wound up, this kid was my closest friend in Indiana for four years and I'm not one to just give up on a friend, even if all signs are saying to. J can attest to this. You can tell me not to be friends with you and I just won't care. If I say we're friends then we're friends, damn it. I don't care if you like it or not.
But there is really so little I can do in this case. That's the part that's driving me the most insane. Not the not knowing why. Not the timing. Not the supposed reasoning. The fact that I am powerless to change this is what's upsetting me. I am powerless to help my friend.
2.24.2011
Foodie
I'm going home this weekend for the first time this semester, and it's not seeing my family or my dogs that I'm the most excited about. Nope. It's not attending the baby shower for our crew chief's wife either. It's going to the grocery store and getting the foods I can't find here that I'm looking forward to the most.
Seriously. I miss so many foods. There's these peach candies that only one store around the city sells and they only have them every now and then and I've been craving them since the beginning of February. And there's this type of cheese that my mom gets sometimes that I can probably take half a block of. And there's this bread that I bought once at a bakery downtown and it's all herby and wonderful and it's the perfect size for sandwiches.
I don't mean to make you all hungry, though I certainly am while writing this. And I don't mean to neglect all the wonderful foods that can be found around campus either. But I'm a foodie. It's what I look forward to when going places - the different foods you can find. Like when I pass through STL, I try and have lunch with B. And we usually go to a sushi place near his house. When anyone comes to IN with me, I bring them to a famous local burger joint. When I visit Chicago, I always always stop for a Jamba Juice on the way. Going to California? Round Table is a must, if I can't make it all the way to Willow Street or that place up in Truckee. And when my brother and I visited Colorado, we just walked into different food places for dinner until we found a place we wanted to eat at.
But none of this seems very typical "foodie" to me. When I think of a foodie, I think of someone who eats organic 90% of the time and goes out for fancy lunches at local non-chain restaurants (still haven't broken my habit of spelling that in Japanese first) and upon seeing a menu in French, can order without much difficulty pronouncing anything. They cook dinner every night and there's always some new recipe that they're trying out...that's a foodie, right?
But I think there's this sub-section of foodies without means, and that's where I place myself. I don't quite have the time to be cooking fantastic meals every night, though with a little practice I have no doubt in my abilities to do so. I suppose I could start going to the farmer's market and buying fresh produce every week, but it just seems such a waste when I end up having frozen meat taking up space for months at a time.
It just seems sad to me that I satiate my desire for exceptional foods by snacking on pita chips and gouda and nice dinners out with my dad when he's around on business and perhaps spoiling myself every once in a while by going to my favorite local deli. This is a college town and they totally cater to our hipster appetites. I should be able to be a successful foodie here. Any ideas for me?
Seriously. I miss so many foods. There's these peach candies that only one store around the city sells and they only have them every now and then and I've been craving them since the beginning of February. And there's this type of cheese that my mom gets sometimes that I can probably take half a block of. And there's this bread that I bought once at a bakery downtown and it's all herby and wonderful and it's the perfect size for sandwiches.
I don't mean to make you all hungry, though I certainly am while writing this. And I don't mean to neglect all the wonderful foods that can be found around campus either. But I'm a foodie. It's what I look forward to when going places - the different foods you can find. Like when I pass through STL, I try and have lunch with B. And we usually go to a sushi place near his house. When anyone comes to IN with me, I bring them to a famous local burger joint. When I visit Chicago, I always always stop for a Jamba Juice on the way. Going to California? Round Table is a must, if I can't make it all the way to Willow Street or that place up in Truckee. And when my brother and I visited Colorado, we just walked into different food places for dinner until we found a place we wanted to eat at.
But none of this seems very typical "foodie" to me. When I think of a foodie, I think of someone who eats organic 90% of the time and goes out for fancy lunches at local non-chain restaurants (still haven't broken my habit of spelling that in Japanese first) and upon seeing a menu in French, can order without much difficulty pronouncing anything. They cook dinner every night and there's always some new recipe that they're trying out...that's a foodie, right?
But I think there's this sub-section of foodies without means, and that's where I place myself. I don't quite have the time to be cooking fantastic meals every night, though with a little practice I have no doubt in my abilities to do so. I suppose I could start going to the farmer's market and buying fresh produce every week, but it just seems such a waste when I end up having frozen meat taking up space for months at a time.
It just seems sad to me that I satiate my desire for exceptional foods by snacking on pita chips and gouda and nice dinners out with my dad when he's around on business and perhaps spoiling myself every once in a while by going to my favorite local deli. This is a college town and they totally cater to our hipster appetites. I should be able to be a successful foodie here. Any ideas for me?
2.21.2011
Note to self:
When you're sick, please don't drink. It only makes things worse. Now you can't go to the junior high tomorrow to help out. I mean, really? Not cool.
Should you be sick again and choose to drink, please don't decide to sing songs at the top of your lungs past 1am. Please don't sing songs you really can't sing, including (but in no way limited to) 1985, Free Falling and Santeria. Now what are you going to do if you get called on in class, huh? You sound like you're about to cry, if you can even make noise at all.
Should you choose to do these things anyway, please don't put off your two essays, reading analysis, 100 pages of reading and studying for your test on Tuesday until Sunday. Night. At 11. I mean...really!
Seriously self? The hell were you thinking this weekend?
...oh, but it was worth it. XD
Should you be sick again and choose to drink, please don't decide to sing songs at the top of your lungs past 1am. Please don't sing songs you really can't sing, including (but in no way limited to) 1985, Free Falling and Santeria. Now what are you going to do if you get called on in class, huh? You sound like you're about to cry, if you can even make noise at all.
Should you choose to do these things anyway, please don't put off your two essays, reading analysis, 100 pages of reading and studying for your test on Tuesday until Sunday. Night. At 11. I mean...really!
Seriously self? The hell were you thinking this weekend?
...oh, but it was worth it. XD
2.12.2011
V-day D-day
So I'm seeing someone. Yeah, it's going pretty awesomely. But here's the problem. It's almost that stupidly romantic commercial holiday that I've never really done anything for.
No, I take that back, I've done stuff for Valentine's Day. Just one. When I, a high school senior, went to my then boyfriend's college midweek with brownies and roses. That was fun. But the rules were a lot clearer then. We'd been dating for quite some time and had plans for a nice dinner the following weekend. That was also 3 Valentine's Days ago.
But this Valentine's Day? There's no guidelines. It's a reasonably new relationship and while we like each other a lot there's still a reasonable amount of distance between us. Sure, the guy would like brownies and roses, but driving 15 minutes is not the same as driving an hour. Even if it is a surprise. Besides, I've done that before. And I'm a bit less of a romantic than I was back in high school, so that sort of approach, even if done completely different, doesn't appeal to me anymore.
But it's Valentine's Day! I'm expected to do something! I feel like Valentine's Day is turning into my day or reckoning or something. I know I'm placing too much emphasis on this, it's not like it'll determine anything about the relationship or have any real effect but, damn it, it's the first holiday and it's the most stupidly romantic one and I'm allowed to stress a little, okay?
No, I take that back, I've done stuff for Valentine's Day. Just one. When I, a high school senior, went to my then boyfriend's college midweek with brownies and roses. That was fun. But the rules were a lot clearer then. We'd been dating for quite some time and had plans for a nice dinner the following weekend. That was also 3 Valentine's Days ago.
But this Valentine's Day? There's no guidelines. It's a reasonably new relationship and while we like each other a lot there's still a reasonable amount of distance between us. Sure, the guy would like brownies and roses, but driving 15 minutes is not the same as driving an hour. Even if it is a surprise. Besides, I've done that before. And I'm a bit less of a romantic than I was back in high school, so that sort of approach, even if done completely different, doesn't appeal to me anymore.
But it's Valentine's Day! I'm expected to do something! I feel like Valentine's Day is turning into my day or reckoning or something. I know I'm placing too much emphasis on this, it's not like it'll determine anything about the relationship or have any real effect but, damn it, it's the first holiday and it's the most stupidly romantic one and I'm allowed to stress a little, okay?
2.11.2011
Question 3: Energy Levels
It's been a long week. After having three snow days last week, it kind of felt like we were back on break. But now professors are getting back on track and there's projects and speeches and papers to be done, on top of the regular readings, and usually topped with a bit more because we fell behind so much.
And everyone is drained. Even the teachers lack the enthusiasm of the pervious weeks. In an 11am class on a Friday, the teacher stopped and just looked at us. Two people were asleep. More than usual had laptops out and were on other sites (myself included, as I opened this very page). Despite 13 people (little less than half the class) commenting on the discussion board before class, very few people were speaking up. The professor stopped, addressed the fact that we're acting kinda dead, and changed his approach a bit. Dropped his strict guidance through the discussion and let us have more control. Which got more people speaking. And suddenly 75% of the class was contributing and more hands were raised and responses were generated without prompting.
I'm stunned. As a future English teacher, I'm quite impressed. I thought he was going to just switch to full-on lecture mode and just let us be bored. Or maybe try too hard to get us to talk about what he wanted us to talk about. He seemed really focused on this one thing he wanted us to talk about. But he just dropped what his main concern was and let us talk about what we took from the text. He tied it in when he could, but for the most part we completely changed directions.
And this is what dictates what will be on the test. What we talk about, what we're interested in, will guide the entire class. It's a completely different approach than I'm used to. It requires a lot of faith in your students. I need to learn how to do that. I want to be able to sense the energy in the room and know how to let students guide the conversation without them getting out of control. I think if I tried this right now, we'd end up talking about pop culture, not about early American literature. Which is all good and fine for 5 minutes in a 3000 level college course on a Friday afternoon, but I'm not sure it'd quite be appropriate for a high school course. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's not.
So how do I find that happy balance between running a classroom and simply gently pushing them in the right direction? I need control but I need energy and excitement and those two seem to be conflicting points, at least in my head. I think this is one of my biggest concerns as a future educator. The general classroom management concept...it's something we haven't discussed much in my education classes and, even though I don't get into the classroom for a while, I really really need to learn it. Any preliminary suggestions for me?
And everyone is drained. Even the teachers lack the enthusiasm of the pervious weeks. In an 11am class on a Friday, the teacher stopped and just looked at us. Two people were asleep. More than usual had laptops out and were on other sites (myself included, as I opened this very page). Despite 13 people (little less than half the class) commenting on the discussion board before class, very few people were speaking up. The professor stopped, addressed the fact that we're acting kinda dead, and changed his approach a bit. Dropped his strict guidance through the discussion and let us have more control. Which got more people speaking. And suddenly 75% of the class was contributing and more hands were raised and responses were generated without prompting.
I'm stunned. As a future English teacher, I'm quite impressed. I thought he was going to just switch to full-on lecture mode and just let us be bored. Or maybe try too hard to get us to talk about what he wanted us to talk about. He seemed really focused on this one thing he wanted us to talk about. But he just dropped what his main concern was and let us talk about what we took from the text. He tied it in when he could, but for the most part we completely changed directions.
And this is what dictates what will be on the test. What we talk about, what we're interested in, will guide the entire class. It's a completely different approach than I'm used to. It requires a lot of faith in your students. I need to learn how to do that. I want to be able to sense the energy in the room and know how to let students guide the conversation without them getting out of control. I think if I tried this right now, we'd end up talking about pop culture, not about early American literature. Which is all good and fine for 5 minutes in a 3000 level college course on a Friday afternoon, but I'm not sure it'd quite be appropriate for a high school course. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's not.
So how do I find that happy balance between running a classroom and simply gently pushing them in the right direction? I need control but I need energy and excitement and those two seem to be conflicting points, at least in my head. I think this is one of my biggest concerns as a future educator. The general classroom management concept...it's something we haven't discussed much in my education classes and, even though I don't get into the classroom for a while, I really really need to learn it. Any preliminary suggestions for me?
1.27.2011
Question 2: The Right Path
With a new semester comes a new service learning project. Last semester I volunteered nearly 70 hours at an afterschool program for kids ages 4-17. I worked with them all on so many different subjects. I'd be tutoring a kid in physics one minute, get pulled away to color the next, then sent to the kitchen to chop potatoes the next and after dinner I'd pull kids around the big room on little scooter things. It was a learning experience and I loved it. So much that I'm going to volunteer at least one day a week this coming semester.
But I don't want to neglect my new service learning project either. I assist two teachers as they run an 8th and 9th grade study hall twice a week. It's the last period of the day so the kids are crazy. Two kids were filling out a favorites worksheet and asked me to come over and ask them more questions, as their teacher had done in class. Sure, why not. I notice one student's favorite time is 4:20 and the other's favorite movie is Pineapple Express. Yes, thanks for making that blatantly obvious. I ask them where their favorite place to hang out is and before they can answer I'm like, "Wait, I think I know...X Park?" This park is technically part of my campus and is well known among certain circles for certain activities. Who knows why the cops don't just chill there 24/7. Yeesh. But they laughed and said, yes, that is probably what they would have answered.
It's a different group than I expected. The kids at the afterschool program...that was all centered on getting them away from that stuff. And if they did anything, it was kept secret. For students to be this open, this candid, within 30 minutes of me meeting them? And for them to still show me respect when I (rather rudely) said, "You know, you could be doing other things with your time, then you wouldn't have to be bored here for an hour and you'd get to go home early," was quite unexpected.
During this whole time, the teacher in charge was off working with a specific student. His responses to some of the favorites disturbed her. Disturbed is too strong a word to describe my reaction. To me it just seemed like the student didn't want to be there and he certainly wasn't challenged by the work, so he just did whatever to finish the assignment. But she got all up in arms and spent half the period talking to just him. It seemed like she wanted to get him thinking about going down a different path in life. It's not that I disagree with her, this kid certainly needed some guidance. His outlook was quite dismal. But she was doing it all wrong! She went straight to "Oh no, this kid is terrible," instead of, "Oh no, what did I do wrong?" As a teacher, you have to look at yourself first. What can you change to get the kind of responses you want? How can you get the student interested? How can you motivate them? Singling them out for a one-on-one chat in a study hall generally isn't the best approach.
So the challenge then becomes, how do I know what each student needs? I know how to deal with kids like me, but I don't know how to deal with kids who aren't like me. The teacher I am serving under asked me all kinds of questions about why I chose to do my service learning at this school. I made up some bs answer because I didn't really know. I just walked up to the table without any labels and asked if they had a need for English and math tutors for 8th grade and up. Lucky me that's what they had. But now I do know. My service learning is to help me learn how to deal with kids who aren't like me. It's not to help me figure out what level I want to teach, or what subject I want to teach, or what kind of school I want to teach at. I know all that. None of that will change by going into that classroom. I won't be challenged by that. Service learning isn't to keep you safe. It's to get you out there and learning and changing so you become a better teacher. And what I need to change is how I deal with people. I need to get out there and expose myself to as many different kinds of students as possible so I know how to help all kinds of students grow. It won't be easy. I'm not exactly the most awesome and helpful person when I see someone messing up. But that's my goal through this service learning. And I think it's where I should be going.
But I don't want to neglect my new service learning project either. I assist two teachers as they run an 8th and 9th grade study hall twice a week. It's the last period of the day so the kids are crazy. Two kids were filling out a favorites worksheet and asked me to come over and ask them more questions, as their teacher had done in class. Sure, why not. I notice one student's favorite time is 4:20 and the other's favorite movie is Pineapple Express. Yes, thanks for making that blatantly obvious. I ask them where their favorite place to hang out is and before they can answer I'm like, "Wait, I think I know...X Park?" This park is technically part of my campus and is well known among certain circles for certain activities. Who knows why the cops don't just chill there 24/7. Yeesh. But they laughed and said, yes, that is probably what they would have answered.
It's a different group than I expected. The kids at the afterschool program...that was all centered on getting them away from that stuff. And if they did anything, it was kept secret. For students to be this open, this candid, within 30 minutes of me meeting them? And for them to still show me respect when I (rather rudely) said, "You know, you could be doing other things with your time, then you wouldn't have to be bored here for an hour and you'd get to go home early," was quite unexpected.
During this whole time, the teacher in charge was off working with a specific student. His responses to some of the favorites disturbed her. Disturbed is too strong a word to describe my reaction. To me it just seemed like the student didn't want to be there and he certainly wasn't challenged by the work, so he just did whatever to finish the assignment. But she got all up in arms and spent half the period talking to just him. It seemed like she wanted to get him thinking about going down a different path in life. It's not that I disagree with her, this kid certainly needed some guidance. His outlook was quite dismal. But she was doing it all wrong! She went straight to "Oh no, this kid is terrible," instead of, "Oh no, what did I do wrong?" As a teacher, you have to look at yourself first. What can you change to get the kind of responses you want? How can you get the student interested? How can you motivate them? Singling them out for a one-on-one chat in a study hall generally isn't the best approach.
So the challenge then becomes, how do I know what each student needs? I know how to deal with kids like me, but I don't know how to deal with kids who aren't like me. The teacher I am serving under asked me all kinds of questions about why I chose to do my service learning at this school. I made up some bs answer because I didn't really know. I just walked up to the table without any labels and asked if they had a need for English and math tutors for 8th grade and up. Lucky me that's what they had. But now I do know. My service learning is to help me learn how to deal with kids who aren't like me. It's not to help me figure out what level I want to teach, or what subject I want to teach, or what kind of school I want to teach at. I know all that. None of that will change by going into that classroom. I won't be challenged by that. Service learning isn't to keep you safe. It's to get you out there and learning and changing so you become a better teacher. And what I need to change is how I deal with people. I need to get out there and expose myself to as many different kinds of students as possible so I know how to help all kinds of students grow. It won't be easy. I'm not exactly the most awesome and helpful person when I see someone messing up. But that's my goal through this service learning. And I think it's where I should be going.
1.17.2011
Oh Hi
It's 3:40. I just got back from a friend's house. And I realized I did something totally stupid. The person who dropped me off said something to the effect of, "It was nice hanging out with you tonight," and I didn't say anything in response. Now, granted, I'm very sleepy. Less than 20 minutes prior, I had been falling asleep in this person's lap, so I mean, it's understandable. But I really hate it when I do that. I don't think it's too often.
This has been a pretty interesting break, and I still have one day left. I also have one goal left. I think I can figure it out. I can't really update anything online until events pan out in real life which is bugging me so much, but you guys, it's really for the best.
This has been a pretty interesting break, and I still have one day left. I also have one goal left. I think I can figure it out. I can't really update anything online until events pan out in real life which is bugging me so much, but you guys, it's really for the best.
12.16.2010
Body Image
Hello people! Hopefully by now you've all finished your finals and are happily relaxing and taking in the season's candies. Oh? What's that? No candy canes? Here, have some of mine. I always keep a stash around in December. And then buy a few boxes after when they're 50% off. But that's kind of what I wanted to talk about.
So you went home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago and ate a ton. Then you came back to school and had all these last minute tests and projects and then you had finals and now you're home and everyone has been feeding you and your eating schedule got all sorts of messed up and you were eating fast food every night for dinner, if at all...yeah, I get it. I've been there. Now you're 5 pounds heavier than you were before break and you're looking at all the events planned - family stuff, dinners out with friends, a few parties here and there and, damn it, those candy canes are still calling your name. And you just know 5 more pounds are lurking around the next corner.
One of my good friends was talking about how she hit the gym this morning, even though they're getting 6 inches of snow at her house today. And that's totally awesome! Good for her! But me? Yeah...I'll pass on that. For those of us who don't exactly exercise and rely mostly on eating halfway decently to stay reasonably fit, this is the bad season for our body image. It's not just women; my brother flips out around this time too. After Thanksgiving he complained that he had put on 3 pounds. I scoffed. Because really, what does it matter?
I'm going to make a bit of a fool of myself here, but hopefully it makes a good point. Because this is how I determine if I have good body image. I realized a few years back that I look damn sexy in jeans and a bra. Yep. I do. Doesn't matter what jeans - skinny, boot cut, boyfriend cut, or hey, even my boyfriend's jeans - just like it doesn't matter the bra (even sports bras that squish the boobs!). I think I look fabulous in jeans and a bra. But that exposes my stomach, the one area of my body that I don't totally love. I love my freakishly strong legs and sneakily toned arms and my curvy hips and bouncy butt and even my weirdly shaped toes from ice skating. But my stomach has always been soft and squishy and I dislike it. But even on days when I'm feeling fat or have just eaten a pint of ice cream b/c of some drama or have a busy weird horrible eating week, I can come back, look at myself and be like, "Yep, ya still got it."
So my general holiday hope for you all is that you can find an aspect of yourself that you absolutely love and can always come back home after a bad body image day and check that out and think you're just darn sexy. And feel free to steal my idea b/c I have a feeling it's a fairly universal good look for ladies. If you want to share your idea with me, just let me know! Have a good start to your break!
So you went home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago and ate a ton. Then you came back to school and had all these last minute tests and projects and then you had finals and now you're home and everyone has been feeding you and your eating schedule got all sorts of messed up and you were eating fast food every night for dinner, if at all...yeah, I get it. I've been there. Now you're 5 pounds heavier than you were before break and you're looking at all the events planned - family stuff, dinners out with friends, a few parties here and there and, damn it, those candy canes are still calling your name. And you just know 5 more pounds are lurking around the next corner.
One of my good friends was talking about how she hit the gym this morning, even though they're getting 6 inches of snow at her house today. And that's totally awesome! Good for her! But me? Yeah...I'll pass on that. For those of us who don't exactly exercise and rely mostly on eating halfway decently to stay reasonably fit, this is the bad season for our body image. It's not just women; my brother flips out around this time too. After Thanksgiving he complained that he had put on 3 pounds. I scoffed. Because really, what does it matter?
I'm going to make a bit of a fool of myself here, but hopefully it makes a good point. Because this is how I determine if I have good body image. I realized a few years back that I look damn sexy in jeans and a bra. Yep. I do. Doesn't matter what jeans - skinny, boot cut, boyfriend cut, or hey, even my boyfriend's jeans - just like it doesn't matter the bra (even sports bras that squish the boobs!). I think I look fabulous in jeans and a bra. But that exposes my stomach, the one area of my body that I don't totally love. I love my freakishly strong legs and sneakily toned arms and my curvy hips and bouncy butt and even my weirdly shaped toes from ice skating. But my stomach has always been soft and squishy and I dislike it. But even on days when I'm feeling fat or have just eaten a pint of ice cream b/c of some drama or have a busy weird horrible eating week, I can come back, look at myself and be like, "Yep, ya still got it."
So my general holiday hope for you all is that you can find an aspect of yourself that you absolutely love and can always come back home after a bad body image day and check that out and think you're just darn sexy. And feel free to steal my idea b/c I have a feeling it's a fairly universal good look for ladies. If you want to share your idea with me, just let me know! Have a good start to your break!
11.16.2010
Resume Building
Now that I'm taking 5 years in college, I can put off worrying about my resume for a little bit longer. It's a bit of a relief knowing I'm going into a field where summer internships aren't expected, if not demanded. That's not to say that you shouldn't do something with your summers though.
So I'm looking at my options. Summer study abroad programs are still available and I'm considering a couple of them. Or I could stay in Columbia and take summer courses and possibly work and help out with a couple of programs I know of. Or I could go back to Indiana and work at a tutoring place or volunteer with the high school while taking online summer courses. Or I can do what I was going to do last summer and do the Wilderness Leadership stuff. I have a couple of summers left, so I'm not terribly worried about how exactly I'll build my resume with those. I think any of those options offer solid resume building.
Next semester, I think I will be working at the place I currently volunteer at. A couple of the staff members have singled me out and told me that they want me to work there. I am constantly told how much my time is appreciated. The head of the organization knows my name and none of the names of other volunteers. I'm thinking it's a great opportunity to make a little money and a great place to get references.
I'm also getting a Service Learning certificate and possibly a Multicultural Certificate and a Japanese minor and a Journalism minor and an English minor. Sometimes I worry that all this will seem like I'm unfocused, but they all work so well together, especially with what I hope to do with my life. So that builds up the resume too. The GPA is decent, it's improving as we go on, especially now that I'm not taking Japanese language classes, and I think I have a good chance to make myself competitive in that manner.
So why, when I do all this, have all this planned, do people still tell me I need to build up my resume? It's solid. I'm good. I don't want a crap ton of fluff. I like what I have. I don't want to join your honors society and take 2 credit hour seminars on things that will be of no use to me just so I can say I was specially selected. I don't want to join your pre-teachers union just so I can act like I understand how they interact with school systems before I see it for myself. I'll tell you right now that 90% of kids who put that on their resume didn't do squat while they were in the society.
I just feel like I'm back in high school and everyone is worried about taking that prep course so they get above a 2100 on the SAT or joining this club and being an officer so they can get into a good college. Just stop it! Do what you want for a change. I can hear the protests - but I need to do this so I can do what I want later. No, you don't. You'll get there if you want it enough. Stop it. I know my audience well enough to know that we've been afforded plenty of opportunities to get there and no matter how much we mess it up, getting where we want is still within our reach. Even if I don't work with the school district in advance, I'll find a job. And I'll get where I want eventually. It'll happen. You'll get there. So just enjoy your life for a change. Stop worrying about your resume and do something that you might not even put on your resume. You'll thank me later.
So I'm looking at my options. Summer study abroad programs are still available and I'm considering a couple of them. Or I could stay in Columbia and take summer courses and possibly work and help out with a couple of programs I know of. Or I could go back to Indiana and work at a tutoring place or volunteer with the high school while taking online summer courses. Or I can do what I was going to do last summer and do the Wilderness Leadership stuff. I have a couple of summers left, so I'm not terribly worried about how exactly I'll build my resume with those. I think any of those options offer solid resume building.
Next semester, I think I will be working at the place I currently volunteer at. A couple of the staff members have singled me out and told me that they want me to work there. I am constantly told how much my time is appreciated. The head of the organization knows my name and none of the names of other volunteers. I'm thinking it's a great opportunity to make a little money and a great place to get references.
I'm also getting a Service Learning certificate and possibly a Multicultural Certificate and a Japanese minor and a Journalism minor and an English minor. Sometimes I worry that all this will seem like I'm unfocused, but they all work so well together, especially with what I hope to do with my life. So that builds up the resume too. The GPA is decent, it's improving as we go on, especially now that I'm not taking Japanese language classes, and I think I have a good chance to make myself competitive in that manner.
So why, when I do all this, have all this planned, do people still tell me I need to build up my resume? It's solid. I'm good. I don't want a crap ton of fluff. I like what I have. I don't want to join your honors society and take 2 credit hour seminars on things that will be of no use to me just so I can say I was specially selected. I don't want to join your pre-teachers union just so I can act like I understand how they interact with school systems before I see it for myself. I'll tell you right now that 90% of kids who put that on their resume didn't do squat while they were in the society.
I just feel like I'm back in high school and everyone is worried about taking that prep course so they get above a 2100 on the SAT or joining this club and being an officer so they can get into a good college. Just stop it! Do what you want for a change. I can hear the protests - but I need to do this so I can do what I want later. No, you don't. You'll get there if you want it enough. Stop it. I know my audience well enough to know that we've been afforded plenty of opportunities to get there and no matter how much we mess it up, getting where we want is still within our reach. Even if I don't work with the school district in advance, I'll find a job. And I'll get where I want eventually. It'll happen. You'll get there. So just enjoy your life for a change. Stop worrying about your resume and do something that you might not even put on your resume. You'll thank me later.
11.11.2010
Don't Be Afraid
When I was a photojournalism major, I was afraid of what the future held. I didn't like the thought of competing to take photos of what I wanted. I just wanted to be able to take photos of sports. I didn't want to fight against 10 others to have my photos published. I didn't want to be another name that no one knows, publishing photo after photo for 20 bucks a pop. I feared the competition. I feared that I would not have a job. I feared I would be stuck in a dead-end position until I got married and became a housewife. I feared I would then take up a position at a local housewifey magazine produced by a kept wife in the gated community in whatever suburb my husband and I chose to live. I was afraid.
I am not afraid to teach. I am not afraid of the stiff competition it will take to get into the district I want, into the exact position I want. I am not afraid because I know I have the tools and the drive and the talent and that cannot be taken away from me like my will to be a photographer. They've already tried. My professors have told horror stories about having staplers thrown at their heads and students simply walking out of class and I have seen teachers blow up at their students and lose their cool and lost their jobs and I am not afraid of that happening to me. Because I am above all that. I have the drive and the passion to work with my students and to catch that stapler and set it quietly on my desk and continue with my lesson. I have begun to experience this and I have worked through it and found other means to cope and express my point. I have become frustrated and students have seen that and taken advantage of it, but I regained control. I have the power and the ability to do what I want and I am not afraid to do it. I am not afraid of failing. I know my first year won't be great. But the next year I will be better. And I'll fall into a grove that works, making adjustments for each student, each class, each year.
Students in my classroom will be the students in that video. Students will want to express themselves and I can help them accomplish that. When I watched that video, the first time I listened to their voices. I listened to what they said and I sympathized because I could see myself in their shoes. Then I watched it again. And I saw their teachers and their support system that encouraged them to get to that point. And I saw myself influencing my students to do the same. I saw myself teaching student rhythm and flow and how poetry is just like lyrics.
And if just once every ten years I can have a student with the drive this group of students has, I will be happy. And because there are those students out there, waiting for me to reach out to them, I am not afraid of what my future as an educator holds.
[Published unedited, written in 8 minutes. If you want more from Brave New Voices, just Google it and be amazed.]
11.09.2010
Upular
This made me lol in my roflcopter. And grin so so so much. So if you like the movie Up! in the slightest, I suggest watching this.
Yes, that's my way of saying I'm too lazy and/or busy to think of a real post. Enjoy! XD
Yes, that's my way of saying I'm too lazy and/or busy to think of a real post. Enjoy! XD
11.07.2010
Woof!
I'm singing this song and my rabbit is staring at me all wide eyed, ears tuned in all weird. Despite me singing almost everyday, he still sometimes gets all freaked out by it. He's much happier overall though, now that he lives away from dogs who aren't trying to eat him anytime they enter the room.
Which will be a problem when I get a dog. For my 21st birthday. Yeah, I've got this planned. Since it's towards the end of the year, I can get a puppy and keep him (or her) in the apartment for about a week. Then it's summer and I'll be at home and I can be with the pup and by the time we get back to school, s/he'll be fairly decently trained and on his/her way to being an awesome dog.
So basically, no alcohol for my b-day gift please. Dog toys would be a much better option. Or you know, both. Whatevs. That's totally responsible. XD
But really, what dog should I get? I go for larger dogs, but if I had to get a small dog I'd get a Pomeranian or a Havanese. Medium would ideally be a Border Collie, but I don't have the energy or time to train one of those just yet. And they get grumpy and destructive if not entertained enough. Which s/he wouldn't be while I'm in college. So I'm thinking maybe an Aussie Shep instead. But they don't have tails which I think is very very strange. Actually, I'm not too sure about getting a medium sized dog. I'd much rather have a large or giant dog. Like a Berner or a Great Dane. And, of course, there are the typicals such as a lab or a retriever or German Shepherd, so count them in too.
Or I could get a mutt from the Humane Society. I have a few favorites and I'm not sure if they're still there, but if they are I have a retriever mix and a rott/lab that love me almost as much as I love them. And, for some reason, the place seems to get a different St. Bernard monthly, so I'd certainly pick up one of those if possible.
So out of that long list, which do you think I should get? I figure I need to start researching this now so if I decide to go purebred (which is a whole other issue I can't fathom yet, along with if I should get an adult or a puppy), I can start researching breeders with litters due in March so the pup is old enough come May. Savvy? Good! Now get to deciding!
Which will be a problem when I get a dog. For my 21st birthday. Yeah, I've got this planned. Since it's towards the end of the year, I can get a puppy and keep him (or her) in the apartment for about a week. Then it's summer and I'll be at home and I can be with the pup and by the time we get back to school, s/he'll be fairly decently trained and on his/her way to being an awesome dog.
So basically, no alcohol for my b-day gift please. Dog toys would be a much better option. Or you know, both. Whatevs. That's totally responsible. XD
But really, what dog should I get? I go for larger dogs, but if I had to get a small dog I'd get a Pomeranian or a Havanese. Medium would ideally be a Border Collie, but I don't have the energy or time to train one of those just yet. And they get grumpy and destructive if not entertained enough. Which s/he wouldn't be while I'm in college. So I'm thinking maybe an Aussie Shep instead. But they don't have tails which I think is very very strange. Actually, I'm not too sure about getting a medium sized dog. I'd much rather have a large or giant dog. Like a Berner or a Great Dane. And, of course, there are the typicals such as a lab or a retriever or German Shepherd, so count them in too.
Or I could get a mutt from the Humane Society. I have a few favorites and I'm not sure if they're still there, but if they are I have a retriever mix and a rott/lab that love me almost as much as I love them. And, for some reason, the place seems to get a different St. Bernard monthly, so I'd certainly pick up one of those if possible.
So out of that long list, which do you think I should get? I figure I need to start researching this now so if I decide to go purebred (which is a whole other issue I can't fathom yet, along with if I should get an adult or a puppy), I can start researching breeders with litters due in March so the pup is old enough come May. Savvy? Good! Now get to deciding!
10.29.2010
Time is Money
I feel like I might have mentioned this before, but let me make this perfectly clear. I hate it when professors go overtime. Absolutely hate it. I don't like it when they let us out earlier either and it bugs me when people start packing up 3 minutes before class ends. I will give the professor a 30 second grace period, like they did in interp events, ya know? But beyond that, you're wasting my time.
It's incredibly rude! You have my attention and time from the second that clock hits the hour, or half hour depending on the start of class, to the very end of the 50 or 75 minutes. After that, we're done. I have other classes to go to, a bus to catch, a meeting to attend. I am not responsible for making sure that you transfer all your information to us in the time allotted. That is your problem.
My photojournalism professor is notorious for this, especially when we are critiquing photos. He'll go 5 minutes overtime without a thought. It's only when we're pushing 8 minutes overtime and the class after us is pushing through the door that he's like, "Oh, I suppose we should vacate the premises." He says that too! Gosh, it irks me so much. Now, for the 5th time in a row, instead of being able to go home and shower before my next class, I am sitting in one of our unions, passing the hour. I suppose he thinks it is acceptable because he cancels class often and on days that we don't critique, he lets us out sometimes 15 minutes early. It's nice of him. I do appreciate the time off. But I feel like instead of canceling class that often, he could take two class periods to critique and we wouldn't be rushed and there would be no need to go overtime.
But on the flip side of this, as I mentioned, is when people start packing up and putting away their notebooks or laptops 3-5 minutes before the end of class. I feel when people do this, they are telling the professor that they don't respect them. And when professors go overtime, they're telling us that they don't respect us! It's a terrible conundrum that I'm not sure how to fix. What do you guys think?
It's incredibly rude! You have my attention and time from the second that clock hits the hour, or half hour depending on the start of class, to the very end of the 50 or 75 minutes. After that, we're done. I have other classes to go to, a bus to catch, a meeting to attend. I am not responsible for making sure that you transfer all your information to us in the time allotted. That is your problem.
My photojournalism professor is notorious for this, especially when we are critiquing photos. He'll go 5 minutes overtime without a thought. It's only when we're pushing 8 minutes overtime and the class after us is pushing through the door that he's like, "Oh, I suppose we should vacate the premises." He says that too! Gosh, it irks me so much. Now, for the 5th time in a row, instead of being able to go home and shower before my next class, I am sitting in one of our unions, passing the hour. I suppose he thinks it is acceptable because he cancels class often and on days that we don't critique, he lets us out sometimes 15 minutes early. It's nice of him. I do appreciate the time off. But I feel like instead of canceling class that often, he could take two class periods to critique and we wouldn't be rushed and there would be no need to go overtime.
But on the flip side of this, as I mentioned, is when people start packing up and putting away their notebooks or laptops 3-5 minutes before the end of class. I feel when people do this, they are telling the professor that they don't respect them. And when professors go overtime, they're telling us that they don't respect us! It's a terrible conundrum that I'm not sure how to fix. What do you guys think?
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