My darling friend, J, has been putting up brief snippets of her diary recently. I decided I'd do something in the same vein. I've really been meaning to tell this story, if for no other reason than to get it out there, but that rather ignores all the true reasons I'm telling this story. It's not a happy story, or a funny story, and it's not necessarily a sad story either. But it's the truth. As unbiased as it can get when recounting the end of one relationship and the start of another.
The true end. You all already know the false end, when K and I broke up over the summer. Perhaps I shouldn't say false, as that tends to imply that I intended to deceive. Maybe the first end is better.
Either way, come K's fall break he wanted to come visit me. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. The two guys I was crushing on at the time either weren't available or not interested, and by the end of that weekend, K and I were basically back together. I say basically because, well, we never said we were just dating each other. Only people at my university knew, and even then, I didn't go around telling anyone; they usually found out by accident. Whether it was seeing him visit me or asking where I was on a particular weekend, people started to find out. Most were surprisingly supportive - they felt K deserved a second chance, something I flipped back and forth on while deciding if I should get back with him in the first place. My parents eventually began to suspect something around Thanksgiving, when I said I was going out to watch a movie with K and some other friends. They didn't approve of my hanging out with him. I pretty much told them to shove it.
I can't say that things were the same, because they weren't. Things weren't better, or worse, but they weren't the same. It was just nice being with someone familiar, even if neither of us would consider it a real relationship. That became just another one of our issues. I didn't trust him to be loyal to just me. He didn't trust me not to hurt him. So neither would let our eyes wander and neither would let the other close enough to hurt or be hurt. Neither of us were terribly happy in the relationship, but that didn't stop us from trying to make adjustments for each other. I'd visit more, he'd compliment me more, things like that. There was always a solution, there was always something we could do to make it better, maybe not immediately, but that would eventually happen and we'd be happy. And we'd hold onto that like none other.
Until there were no solutions anymore.
Throughout that semester, K had been interviewing for various programming positions. He ended up with a few offers around the country. The one he was most interested in was in Phoenix. The one from a company he had previously worked for was in KC. I felt many of our issues could be resolved if he were to take the job offer in KC. He liked the company, already knew all the people he'd be working with and he'd be close to me. Once I graduated, he could move on to where ever he pleased and I'd follow. The week he was doing final interviews with the company in Phoenix, we got into a huge argument about him not really preparing for the interviews. He had settled on an Indy based company (KC company hadn't gotten back to him yet, I was still holding out) and he didn't really care anymore. I was upset because I felt this was foolish and immature. During his Phoenix visit, he wouldn't talk to me. Until one night.
It was Sunday, right before finals week. B had been flirting with me all week and weekend and we'd hung out...5 nights of 6? Something like that. That night, I was over at his friend's house with him and two other couples, one male member being his closest cousin. They got drunk. We played Presidents and Assholes and it just so happened that I would be the one who could tell B what to do. This mostly was just "take a drink" but the hostess decided to get creative about it. She had been drinking a lot when she leaned across the table and asked, "So is this the girl you're trying to hook up with?" I cracked up while B remained silent (I swear he shrunk in his seat a little). Then, "I don't have to answer that if she says it, right?" "No, but you do if I tell you to. So answer the question." A pause. "Can I just drink?" "Sure, take a drink, but answer the question." "I don't hook up." If it hadn't been apparent where we were headed by then, it certainly was clear now. It wasn't just flirting, there were intentions behind it. On both ends, so don't think I'm trying to shirk my role in all this. Not half an hour later though, K texted me after almost a week of no communication. He wanted to talk to me. He missed me. I waited until I could leave without arousing suspicion, then booked it back to my apartment.
It should have been really simple. It should have been I come clean about flirting b/c I was feeling ignored , K gets understandably upset, we promise to work on it. Instead it ended up with K telling me to pursue a relationship with B and him logging off on me. Two hours later K starts texting me, saying he was wrong. I tell him I knew he was and it's okay. I tell him after finals, I'll see him in Indiana. Not three days later he's telling me I shouldn't make plans to see him over break and I'm trying to see B before I leave and it never happens and I return home frustrated, thinking this will just be a repeat of last semester.
The first few days suck. I spend my time texting L who is home in STL and avoiding my family. I spoil the dogs with attention and walks. I keep to myself. Until K texts and asks me out for coffee with another high school friend, H. I say yes. I don't know if they planned it, but H spends the whole time telling us how good it is that we've worked things out and we immediately fall into the role of the happy couple around the holidays. But, at least for me, that's all it was. An act. That blanket you throw on even though it's worn too thin to keep you warm. I knew that when Christmas came we wouldn't have gifts for each other and we wouldn't see each other's families and come New Year's I would be going to the annual party alone. I did go alone, but I ducked out early and headed over to my second mom's party, M, where the rest of my family was. At midnight both K and B text me. I don't remember what I said, only that I made a conscious decision to string both of them on and see which worked out. I'm not proud of that, don't mistake me. I'll tell you why I did it though: I didn't trust K to have his mind made up one way or another, and I couldn't trust B to actually be into me since he'd basically led me on at least once before.
The next day my brother and I headed out for a ski trip to Colorado. We stopped over at my university to save on hotel money. I decided we should go directly to B's house as he had invited me over to watch movies. We ended up cuddling on the couch until around 4am. My brother later tells me he felt like he was cockblocking just by being there. For the rest of the drive to Colorado, B and I start this game to keep me awake. We ask each other questions back and forth. I don't think of K until the fourth day of the trip when he texts me to see how it's going. We briefly update each other, but the sheer number of texts B has amounted against him speaks volumes. I brush it aside, knowing that K and I work better in person, still not wanting to fully believe that B liked me.
When I get back to IN, my parents are on vacation so I spend a few days at K's college before heading to mine. It's there we have a conversation about where he'll be working. He chose Phoenix, sent in his acceptance in the first few days of the year. I swallow my concerns, knowing stating them again would be viewed as not having faith in the relationship. Besides, it makes no difference now. Instead, I choose my words carefully and explain that I'm worried about doing the long distance thing again. I don't know that I can. I make it about me, a "me issue" instead of an "us issue." K holds me and tells me we'll make it work. But I don't believe him. When I leave I tell him that I don't think the relationship will work out in the long run and it would probably be best if we backed off. I thought this was us breaking up. He thought this was me continuing to voice my concerns.
When I get back to my university, it isn't long before B asks me out on a date. I accept. K and I have hardly been in contact, but there's enough doubt in my mind that I need to clarify he and I are over. It's the first day of class. I figure I should call him. I say I can't do this anymore and he just says okay. There's a silence for a bit, then he says he'll be right back and I think he's either gone to yell about me to his roommates or to get tissues. He comes back shortly. I say I'm sorry and he says I know and we hang up without another word. Later that week I go on the date with B. After the extremely...eventful date where he locks his keys in his car, I get a rose, we get stuck in snow trying to get out of my apartment complex, and fall asleep watching movies at his house, he asks me to be his girlfriend. Again, I accept.
Simply put, that's where the story ends. But it's never that simple with me, is it? The first few months of dating was a huge adjustment to me. I'd find myself saying phrases I used to say all the time with K just out of habit (example: like 2 or 3 weeks into it, I was being a playful-annoyance and to make sure B knew I was just joking around I flipping said, "Love me?" like I flipping always did with K. I about had a heart attack and thank god B pretended not to hear me b/c I was mortified the rest of the night) and I fell into the routine I had with K. I don't know if he realizes, but B broke me of my old habits. I stopped being so controlling in the relationship, I started voicing my complaints instead of letting them fester or internalizing them. Being in a relationship was so much easier and happier and more fun than I had remembered. B's fantastic communication skills started rubbing off on me and have helped our relationship so much, I'm not sure we'd have made it this far without them.
But then there is still K. First, he defriended and blocked me in every way possible, and I understood because he was upset with me. Then he unblocked me started texting me all the time and wanted to visit before he moved to Phoenix. Then he stopped talking to me because he didn't want to hear about my relationship (even though he wanted to tell me about his). Then he wanted to be friends with me, but I was going through a really rough time and couldn't put any decent effort in. Now he's in a "doesn't want to be friends" phase, only this time it's because he doesn't like me. But you know what? I'm okay with it. Sure, it hurts that someone I had a relationship with doesn't think I'm a person worth being friends with, but if he can't see that I'm a good person, that's not my fault. I still hope that K and I can be friends again someday, but I think it's very unlikely to happen.
So if you didn't make it through all that, basically about a year ago I cheated (definitely emotionally, not physically (at least in my book)) on two guys to get into a relationship that is going amazingly well that I might have just jeopardized by posting the story on the blog. Yeah, I think that about covers it.
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